


Kissing 101

by ikonisch (discordinparadise)



Series: we live our own galaxies [1]
Category: iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: Casual Relationship, Double B, First Kiss, Kissing Lessons, Lots of kissing, M/M, Self-Hatred, Unrequited Love, aight that's enough from me, binhwan/bobhwan best friends, hanbin's a sweetheart who's just dumb, hanbin's in love with jinhwan, hanbin's never been in a relationship before, jinhwan doesn't know, jiwon used to be a player, jiwon's a sweetheart who deserves happiness, junbob are the cutest, junbob best friends, junhoe will keep on surprising you, junhwan are a hate/love duo, lots of fluff, psychology plays a factor a bit, sometimes, with soft angst, yunchan are barely mentioned but so cute
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-15
Updated: 2018-12-22
Packaged: 2019-06-24 01:08:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 23
Words: 84,481
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15619089
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/discordinparadise/pseuds/ikonisch
Summary: "Why'd you want me to teach you how to kiss?" Jiwon asked in a light tone, tilting Hanbin's head up slightly and the younger couldn't help but look at him, yet no matter how attacked he felt, Hanbin wasn't the type of guy to be weak. So he leant forward further, pressing Jiwon even more up against the wall and letting a smirk settle on his face that could match Jiwon's any day."I gotta learn somehow, and you seem like a great way to start."





	1. race

**Author's Note:**

> wooo, finally, it's time for double b! I hope you guys like this weird wild story, it's a charm yet difficult at the same time to write 
> 
> enjoy!

Hanbin's life had always been like a race.

Time was always, _always_ ticking. When he was brushing his teeth, time was messing with his head. When he was bolting to get to school, an invisible clock was going crazy somewhere. And whenever he was simply relaxing, a time-bomb was raging as if he had so many things that he should be doing instead.

He was always running against something too, he knew he was, but he wasn't quite sure _what_ that something was. Was it really as simple as a race against time? Maybe it was against consequences, against growing up, against all the things that he didn't want but he knew one thing for sure - he would probably never stop being in this race that was endless and to top it all off, he was barely winning.

Just barely.

"Hanbin!" a voice that Hanbin loved far too much yelled, making him turn around as he saw Jinhwan run towards him. "Hey, hyung-"

"Now, did you, _did_ you know that I'm a genius?" Jinhwan said happily, taking a seat on the couch right next to Hanbin who grinned, laying his arm right on the backrest behind Jinhwan's head. "That test I thought I completely flunked, well, that big fat A on it said different-"

"We're all proud of our smart Jinani," Hanbin said, a soft smile on his face as he looked at Jinhwan who was already launching into another conversation that Hanbin was barely going to listen to because he was too busy staring.

Just like everything else, it was even a race when it came to Jinhwan and it was the first and only one that Hanbin was outrageously losing. Jinhwan was the award that he'd never be able to get because no matter what, Hanbin just couldn't say those three simple words that would confess his undying love instantly.

Jinhwan didn't like him that way anyway.

He was too beautiful and perfect for Hanbin and he always would be, even at his lowest moments that Hanbin was always there for...but the elder would never notice it. He'd never see the love in Hanbin's eyes or the utter adoration because they were just supposed to be best friends.

_Best friends._

That was all it was.

"What would be the thing that would just sweep you off your feet when it comes to all your romance stuff?" Hanbin asked randomly on another cold day, a mug of hot chocolate nestled between his hands as he sipped from it. He almost choked when Jinhwan gave him the most weirded out look ever but he quickly swallowed to clear his throat. "I'm just curious! No need to stare like you want me six feet under..."

"I mean, it's a weird question."

"I'm a weird person, hyung," Hanbin shrugged and Jinhwan nodded in thoughtful agreement. 

"True...well, there is _one_ thing."

Hanbin straightened up instantly before trying to hide behind his mug. "What- what is it?"

"A kiss that'll blow my mind," Jinhwan said nonchalantly, smiling down at the hot chocolate he was stirring. And then Hanbin's heart dropped straight to the ground because right then at that moment, a million shards of the glass that was his emotions seemed to shatter.

He didn't know how to flirt or woo or seduce or kiss or _anything_. It wasn't even that Jinhwan had said anything that bad but it had triggered a whole wave of self-deprecation and anger because Hanbin was an idiot who fell in love with the one guy who would never love him back.

Hanbin needed to just give up.

But 'giving up' was stupidly not in his vocabulary.

~~~

It was late in the afternoon as Hanbin walked down the university's corridors, noise coming from various classrooms that still had classes going on. He trudged on, pretending to be fearlessly trekking up a precocious mountain that he could fall off at any moment. "Come on, Hanbin, you're not a quitter, you can _do_ this-"

"Do what?"

Hanbin halted instantly, confused about where on earth that voice had come from before he caught sight of a guy sitting on the floor, his legs stretched out and crossed over casually at the end, and he was clad in a massive hoodie that he seemed to be comfortably drowning in. And Hanbin felt a little dazed when he was met with a sweet, toothy smile and the words, "Hey, doll."

"Hey..."

It was him.

Kim Jiwon, aka Bobby, the ex-player of the school who had decided to change his ways for the better once he reached junior year. No-one knew what the cause of that was but rumour had it that someone had broken his heart over the holidays and he had come to the realisation that he had to stop what he was doing and just be a good guy, like the one he truly was inside.

Hanbin had never really minded him. Jiwon never broke hearts _intentionally_ , he just played around a little and besides, he was one of Jinhwan's best friends so who was Hanbin to defy that?

Hanbin instantly snapped out of his mini memory rewind when he heard a small yap come from beside Jiwon and he leant to the side, trying to get a better look...and sure enough, there was a small terrier lying on his stomach right next to Jiwon who was stroking him gently. The latter blinked in alarm once he realised that Hanbin had noticed it. "U-Uh, please don't tell any teachers, I'm just looking after him for-"

"They're adorable," Hanbin said quietly, his bag instantly dropping to the floor as he rushed over and crouched down next to Jiwon to hold out his hand towards the puppy. They sniffed him for a moment, their gaze contemplating before they pushed their head into his hand and Hanbin grinned happily, letting the dog try and fail sweetly in attacking him. Jiwon watched on with a soft smile, arms crossed as he murmured with slight mock-offence, "She likes you so much more than me, _ugh_."

"Reasonable," Hanbin answered simply, laughing a little when the puppy tried to lick his face but couldn't reach. She...she reminded him a little of a certain someone.

"Hey, you're Jinhwan-hyung's friend, right?"

"Yeah," Hanbin said distractedly before whipping his head to face Jiwon, eyes wide. "Why? Does he talk about me? What does he say?"

"He...ah, he doesn't say much," Jiwon said apologetically, looking down and Hanbin would've been sad if it didn't look like Jiwon really felt so remorseful, like he had done something terrible. "I'm sorry."

"No, don't be! It doesn't matter," Hanbin said quickly before holding the puppy in front of his face, saying in a high-pitched, chirpy voice behind it, "Bobby's a great two-legged mister who shouldn't be sorry for anything!"

It was a nice thing to hear Jiwon's vibrant laugh echo off the walls, more contagious than any plague yet Hanbin only smiled, hugging the puppy close to him. Jiwon looked happy once again, the carefree smile back on his face and Hanbin was glad that his mission was accomplished. He knew he was usually a cold person but...the puppy and Jiwon's smile was making him feel a little softer than usual.

Though he was starting to miss Jinhwan.

"Remember to feed her a lot, don't let her get out of your sight and if she's still for more than a minute then something's wrong," Hanbin mumbled, reluctantly handing the puppy over to Jiwon who leaned forward to take her. There was a small moment when they exchanged that Jiwon bit his lip and Hanbin blinked, his breathing stuttering a little because he was suddenly aware that he was near an _incredibly_ hot human, not just a cute guy with a cute smile and a cute dog. And...

Jiwon's lips could probably kiss like nobody's business.

And that suddenly made an idea spring to Hanbin's mind, but it definitely wasn't one he desired all that much.

Hanbin straightened up then, about to walk off with an incessant thinking process and his hands in his pockets, but then he heard Jiwon chirp, "Thanks, hyung."

Hanbin swallowed, halting for a moment to turn his head slightly and say, "No problem...but you're older than me."

And then he was off, music in his head as he tried to get Jiwon out of his mind while that boy in question was still sitting on the floor, staring after Hanbin while feeling completely and utterly stunned.


	2. smarties

"Smarties or crisps?" Hanbin frowned, looking between the two like he was watching some kind of tennis match. "Ugh, I don't know..."

In the end, Hanbin started off just choosing the smarties but by the time Jinhwan came home, the kid was eating a crisps sandwich with no shame, an empty Smarties pack by him. "Mmf—hyung!"

"Woah woah, are you sad?" Jinhwan asked in worry, setting his bag down slowly. "You're not binge-eating to fill a hole in your heart, right?"

Hanbin snorted, taking another bite out of his sandwich. "You've read too many fanfics, Jinhwan-hyung."

"Yeah, maybe...hey, are those smarties?"

"Finished."

"Honestly and seriously damn you."

"Love ya too."

Hanbin watched the elder as he kicked off his shoes and walked over to the sofa wearily. His hair fell perfectly over his face and a light sheen of sweat was on him, making the sunlight streaming through the windows illuminate him even more. He was like a tired angel walking the earth and Hanbin was absolutely awed before the elder groaned loudly and flopped onto the sofa like a dying fish. "Agh, _why_ do sports exist?"

"To keep you in shape, to let you have fun?" Hanbin answered with a raised eyebrow, walking over and leaning against the back of the sofa to peer down at Jinhwan in amusement. The elder looked up at him with a glare, crossing his arms. 

"You're the guy who wants to climb Mount Everest, there's no point talking to you."

"Oh, trust me, you're going with me," Hanbin said firmly before he reached down and slipped his arms under Jinhwan who yelled and scrabbled to hold onto Hanbin when he was lifted up.

"Dude, what the _hell-_ "

"You really gotta take a shower, but first..." Hanbin used his foot to push open the bedroom door before slowly placing Jinhwan down on his bed. "Rest, idiot."

"I could've come here myself," Jinhwan grumbled even though he was nestling into the duvet and Hanbin smiled, taking a seat on the floor. 

"Sure thing. Um...I talked to...Bobby today? For the first time ever."

" _WHAT?"_ Jinhwan screeched, scrambling up before instantly trying to compose himself, resting his head on his hand coolly. "I mean, how intriguing."

"He's really...smiley," was all that Hanbin could think of and Jinhwan nodded.

"Yeah, he even smiles when he's angry."

"It's funny, I always see him in all sorts of places but he's always seemed so untouchable—and yo, he called me _hyung_ and what the heck even—ugh, this is messing with my head," Hanbin sighed exasperatedly, leaning his head against the set of drawers behind him with a pout. Jinhwan grinned, flipping over to lie on his stomach before placing his face in his hands exactly like the flower petal pose. It was too adorable and Hanbin had to force his eyes to look away. "I think I like him."

"He probably likes you too even though you can be the most intimidating pebble," Jinhwan said, reaching out to ruffle Hanbin's hair but the latter batted his hand away.

"Why a pebble?!"

"Not denying it, I see."

"I'm not a...you know what, never mind. I'm tired, you're tired, let's die together."

"Morbid but sweet," Jinhwan snorted before laying out like a starfish on his bed, closing his eyes with a small sigh. "Ah, this is the _life._ "

"Yeah," Hanbin said, his voice quiet and low as he accidentally looked at Jinhwan's lips for a moment and quickly looked away, licking his own in guilt. "Love you, hyung."

Jinhwan blinked, perking up a little. "Hm? I mean, I love you too and all but that was a bit-"

"Don't, I'll...I'm just gonna go eat something," Hanbin mumbled, getting up and walking out without another word. It was odd sometimes, realising just how much it hurt to not be able to hold or love Jinhwan like he wanted to, but Hanbin had to suck it up. It was his own cowardice and inexperience that was keeping him from making a move so he shouldn't be allowed to think this was unfair.

But...he couldn't help it.

He just wanted Jinhwan to be his.

~~~

Calculus had barely started, with the teacher getting her things ready while the students' whispers and chats joined to make a mammoth of noise. Hanbin sat there in bored silence, tapping his pen against the table to the tune of a song that didn't exist. He was actually really starting to get into it when a familiar guy sprinted into the classroom like a bolt, looking around the room frantically for a moment before zeroing in on Hanbin who felt very distressed.

_Why is he looking at me like that?!_

And then Jiwon was a decapitated blur again as he rushed over to...the seat next to Hanbin, sitting down and sighing in relief. Hanbin straightened up a little, turning his head to look at the guy who seemed to have run a marathon. "Hey?"

"Ahh, it's the cutest bin in the world!" Jiwon cheered once he realised who Hanbin was and the younger almost choked on his saliva, having to try incredibly hard to compose himself to be able to say, "Wow, you're quite out of it, aren't you?"

"Maybe but only 'cause I'm running on like, half an hour of sleep," Jiwon muttered, leaning back with a thump and Hanbin frowned.

"Dude, that's not-"

"Don't lecture me, I get enough from my ma and the others," Jiwon sighed. Hanbin honestly felt bad for him then, taking a quick look at the teacher to see if he was noticing before he focused all his attention on Jiwon, laying the side of his head in his palm. The guy looked so relaxed now, his eyes closed slightly and Hanbin honestly couldn't deny that he looked close to beautiful with the calm look and the bandana tied up in his dark hair—Hanbin wondered if _he_ could pull that off but it'd probably get stuck and he'd have to shave his head— _okay, let's not think about this, shall we?_

"I know I'm gorgeous but stop staring," Jiwon murmured jokingly with a small smirk, his eyes still closed which made Hanbin a little confused and defensive.

"I wasn't being creepy! Just want to make sure you're okay..."

"I'm okay."

"Liar."

"Very true."

Neither of them knew what to say after that, so they just didn't. All the noise in the room was simply the buzz of whispers of students and the drone of the teacher's voice now, and Hanbin just absentmindedly stared at Jiwon who really looked like he was asleep, his chest rising and falling steadily, and Hanbin couldn't help but want to tuck him up into a blanket. That's what he did when his other friends fell asleep...

But Jiwon wasn't his friend, was he?

 _Wow, I don't know why that hit so hard,_ Hanbin thought, blinking one time too many. _The truth really can hurt when you least expect it as if it comes out of nowhere to strike like—okay, shut up Hanbin, it's not inner monologue time._

At one point, Jiwon cracked one eye open to stare back at Hanbin who wasn't fazed in the slightest, and soon it turned into some sort of unofficial staring contest. It started getting pretty intense but Hanbin soon couldn't help but blink, making Jiwon beam in tired triumph. "Yay."

Hanbin narrowed his eyes, trying to telepathically communicate 'best two out of three' but his phone suddenly buzzed and he looked at it, Jiwon trying to get a look out of curiosity too.

**jinanfairy**   
_yo, have a nice day bin!_

A smile instantly appeared on Hanbin's face that he couldn't control and he was in a mini-trance for a moment before Jiwon popped his bubble. "Who was that?"

"Ah, Jinhwan-hyung."

"Ohhhh, right."

Once again, the strange thought that Hanbin had from the last time he had seen Jiwon resurfaced and all sounds reaching his ears turned to white noise all of a sudden. God, Hanbin didn't know if this was going to work out well but even when his ideas were terrible, he always went through with them, _always._

_Not sure if that's a good thing..._

"Hey," Jiwon whispered, sitting upright to be able to speak to Hanbin without being heard, but it just made them extremely close to each other and Hanbin didn't know how to feel. "What are you thinking?"

Hanbin turned his head around to look at Jiwon, their noses almost touching and it was far too long of a moment that they stared at each other, Jiwon's expression questioning...so Hanbin must have, he _must_ have made up that Jiwon's eyes flicked to his lips for a moment.

And then Hanbin's voice was drying up.

And he gave up.

"Nothing," Hanbin muttered, sounding much harsher than he intended as he leant back and looked away, focusing on the teacher and leaving Jiwon perplexed and wondering if he had done something wrong.

 _I probably have,_ Jiwon thought to himself with a sad frown, slowly leaning back. _I'm just an idiot who always scares off everyone I happen to like, even a little bit._

 


	3. anchovies

Hanbin was back at school, walking the corridors like a veteran even though he was simply a sophomore. He didn't even know how cool he looked, not noticing the girls cooing at him every now and then.

That was probably one of the reasons why he had never had a girlfriend. Other than the fact that he was pretty gay.

In a very, _very_ low-key way, Hanbin was actually looking for Jiwon. He was just walking around the school a little and hoping that the guy would just show up somewhere since he didn't want to seem too desperate by flat-out searching for him...even if Hanbin would rather do that.

 _You could ask Jinhwan-hyung?_ Hanbin fleetingly thought before instantly shooting it down, scrunching up his face in disagreement. _That would just be weird and besides, it wasn't like he'd definitely know—_

"Eomma, I love you lots and lots and lots but I wanna hang up right now," a familiar voice sounded from down the corridor and Hanbin froze, wondering just how lucky he could _get_. "I don't have a girlfriend! No, shhh- are you trying to say I'm committing bestiality?!"

Hanbin frantically looked around, trying to see if there was a room or something where he could be discreet but for some reason, the place that he chose to go into was...a damn broom cupboard.

_Wow._

"Alright, love you, 'ma," Jiwon chirped, a smile playing on his lips as the call ended and he put his phone into his pocket. He only had a few seconds to enjoy just leisurely walking before he was suddenly pulled into a place that he knew a little too well from the past. "What the-"

"I'm not trying to kidnap you, I swear!" was the first thing that the person who had taken him said and Jiwon frowned, about to bite back with something contradicting him but once he had cleared his frayed vision...he properly realised who it was. It was the guy with a million names.

 _Hanbin, Guy I Sat Next To Yesterday, Terrible-At-Calculus-Guy, Guy With the Cute Hardcore Rap, Jinhwan's Cute Friend, Guy Who's Good With Dogs, Guy Who Spilt Lucozade On Me That One Time, Dongsaeng That I Called Hyung, Guy Who Probably Hates Me, Pretty Eyes—_ honestly, Jiwon could go on forever. But he didn't, because Hanbin was a pretty-much stranger and he probably had to treat him like one and not weird him out like in Calculus.

Though it was kinda hard when the two were in such a confined space together and Hanbin was all Jiwon could see.

"Dude, I've been trying to put my cred up this _entire_ year, why are you ruining that?" Jiwon grumbled, crossing his arms. "I don't do that _making out with just anyone_ stuff anymore."

Hanbin turned a little red then which surprised Jiwon a bit, making his irritation falter at the sight of seeing such a cool guy getting flustered. Was Hanbin cool? Well, he _seemed_ it but Jiwon couldn't help but wonder if he might have judged too quickly.

"N-No, that's not what I...well, that's not _exactly_ what I-"

"Just say it," Jiwon murmured, taking a tiny step forward but Hanbin instantly held a hand forward to halt him, yelping, "No, no no no no no don't come forward, don't make this harder!"

"Make what harder?"

"Me...uh...saying stuff-"

"Saying what?"

"Ugh, I give up," Hanbin sighed before frowning. "Wait, no, I don't. I'm not a _quitter_."

"Please don't start smoking then," Jiwon said pretty genuinely but it got a small smile out of Hanbin which pretty much made Jiwon's day. He didn't generally talk to people much anymore so making someone smile like that (especially with Hanbin's smile) made his heart soar just the tiniest bit. _Ugh, I'm pathetic, aren't I?_

"There's just...something that I need to ask you. And it might seem pretty weird?" Hanbin asked, his voice riddled with uncertainty and nerves and Jiwon picked up on it. He opened his mouth to say 'that's cool' or something but instead, he remembered another thing that he hoped might help a little.

"Hey, I think that Jinhwan-hyung's mentioned that you like skinship? And it can calm you down and stuff?"

Hanbin blinked at the sudden notion, suddenly a bit embarrassed that _that_ was the kind of thing Jinhwan had been spreading about him. "I mean, yeah."

"Then give me your hands."

Hanbin furrowed his eyebrows but stuck his hands out anyway like a little kid asking to be picked up. He had no idea what he had been expecting but it was _definitely_ not for Jiwon to press his hands against his and link their fingers together, beaming as he stared at Hanbin for his reaction but the younger didn't feel scared or flustered or whatnot.

What did he feel, then?

Relaxed. Soft. Maybe a little worried that this could be the start of a kidnapping but then he remembered that _he_ was the one who first stole Jiwon away.

That was apparently the perfect time to remind him of just how small this goddamn cupboard was.

"Is this better?" Jiwon asked, rocking back and forth on his heels while taking Hanbin along with him each time which made the latter smile a little. "I know I'm not good at skinship stuff but...is it okay?"

"It's fine, stop self-deprecating," Hanbin snorted and Jiwon's grin turned a tad more sheepish. "But...do _you_ like skinship?"

Jiwon shrugged, stopping his rocking as he ran a thumb over the back of Hanbin's left hand like it was the most interesting thing in the world. "I don't know...I used to think it was pretty gay but then _I_ turned out to be pretty gay too so, win-win."

"I respect that."

"Thank you."

Hanbin honestly couldn't tell if this encounter was awkward or not. He was teetering on thinking 'not' because of Jiwon's sweet smile or the way he was acting like Hanbin was an old friend, but then he could also feel Jiwon's palms sweating a little and he noticed how the other couldn't look him in the eye for more than a few moments.

So that somehow meant it was time.

Time to say it all.

"I have a major crush on Jinhwan-hyung," Hanbin blurted out before freezing and clamping his mouth shut. Jiwon's, however, fell open as his soft swaying came to an abrupt stop. They both stared at each other for a small while, eyes wide and a million words from all sorts of thoughts floating between them silently but Jiwon was the first one to actually speak.

"I don't blame you."

"I know, I know it's weird and _strange_ but like...wait, you what?"

"He's such an amazing guy and super pretty too so yeah, I don't blame you," Jiwon said, the smile on his face now reassuring and so was his touch. "So what's stopping you from making a move?"

"Agh, that's the thing," Hanbin sighed, hanging his head as he felt slightly odd for what he was going to say next. But he had to do it now before he chickened out and would _never_ be able to do anything about the thing that plagued him every day. "I have absolutely zero experience. No girlfriends, boyfriends, no kisses, no relationships."

"Nada?"

"Nada. I'm like that one lame dude in shows that always ends up wallowing in sadness and ice-cream while yelling, 'I DON'T NEED NO WOMAN, THEY'RE ALL ANCHOVIES ANYWAY,' you get me?"

Jiwon was laughing again, unabashedly just like from the time with the cute dog and Hanbin was dazed by it for a millisecond because that boy _really_ knew how to laugh in the way that'll steal your heart and have you roaring with him at the same time.

Hanbin felt a little weak.

"W-Why anchovies?"

"Who knows, I sure don't."

"Wait wait, so what does any of this have to do with _me_? Or did you kidnap me for a different reason and we're just making small talk now—woah, this could totally turn into Stockholm syndrome-"

"You're not gonna fall in love with me, shut up!" Hanbin yelped, but Jiwon was still looking at him with a cheeky grin and it took him a whole five seconds to realise why. "AND I _DIDN'T_ KIDNAP YOU-"

"Hold your horses, kid, damn!" Jiwon snickered, pulling his arms back which made Hanbin stumble forwards a little. "Jinhwan-hyung's said you're good at getting angry, pfft."

"Oh, you liar, so he _has_ been talking about me," Hanbin revelated and Jiwon shrugged, looking coy as he said, "Maybe so, maybe not."

Jiwon looked down then and noticed how close they were, because of his little pull earlier, and Hanbin bit his lip as he hoped that Jiwon wouldn't push him away into the stack of brooms behind them—but nope, the guy only wiggled his eyebrows with a grin and Hanbin rolled his eyes. "Damn you."

"Aw, doll, don't be like tha—okay, seriously just ask me what you want to now or we'll never get there."

Hanbin let out a deep sigh, slumping a little. "It's stupid. _I'm_ stupid."

"Hey, no you're not-"

"Can you...can you teach me how to kiss?"

 


	4. doll

"Could you repeat that?" Jiwon had asked after a moment of awkward silence right after Hanbin had popped the question, one of his hands leaving Hanbin's but the younger held on tight to the other one. "You...wait, so you want me to-"

"Yes," Hanbin cut in quickly with a wince, not really wanting to repeat what he said at _all_. He watched Jiwon's expression carefully, worried and wary of what on Earth was running through the elder's mind...but it seemed to be something good since Jiwon cracked his signature smile then.

"Gosh, you're _desperate._ "

"No shame in that," Hanbin huffed, holding his head up mock-haughtily and Jiwon giggled, sounding both manly and very not, before composing himself a little and Hanbin couldn't help but blurt out, "So yes or no?"

"You won't even let me think about it?"

"Not really, I'm pretty impatient."

"Why me, hm?" Jiwon asked, taking a slow step backward so he was up against the wall and made Hanbin follow, guiding the younger carefully towards him who didn't really know what was going on. "You think I can kiss that well?"

"Well, um..."

Hanbin froze when Jiwon laid his free hand on his chin, his thumb stroking along Hanbin's jaw and the younger could feel his mind turning to absolute putty. "A-Ah, wait-"

"Wait for _what?"_ Jiwon whispered coyly, unlinking their other hands to wrap an arm around Hanbin's waist, pulling him even closer so their chests were lightly pressed against each other's. Hanbin swallowed and looked down, not wanting to look at Jiwon's face which was far too hot right at that moment—not to mention that Jiwon's hand was still on his jaw, gentle but leaving sparks of fire in its wake.

"I'm not sure..."

This was the first time Hanbin was experiencing something like this and you could really tell since he was inwardly _dying_.

"Why'd you want me to teach you how to kiss?" Jiwon asked in a light tone, tilting Hanbin's head up slightly and the younger couldn't help but look at him, yet no matter how attacked he felt, Hanbin wasn't the type of guy to be weak. So he leant forward further, pressing Jiwon even more up against the wall and letting a smirk settle on his face that could match Jiwon's any day.

"I gotta learn somehow, and you seem like a great way to start."

"Agh, you're both warming my heart and intimidating me at the same time," Jiwon murmured, looking both softened and a bit flustered and Hanbin frowned.

"Is that a good thing or-"

"Here," Jiwon interrupted, laying a hand on Hanbin's chest and pushing him back slightly. "Wait a jiff..."

"Jiff?"

Only Jiwon's hand on Hanbin's waist was left as the elder reached into his back pocket and took out a pen, pulling the lid off with his teeth before taking Hanbin's hand and pointing towards it. "Can I?"

"Be my guest," Hanbin shrugged even if he was confused, but he understood once Jiwon had finished writing the last digit. _Oh riiiiight, it's a phone number...I knew that._

Jiwon tried saying something with the lid in his mouth and Hanbin raised an eyebrow, taking it out for the guy which made him smile. "Thanks. So when you want to set our first lesson, just call me and I'll be at your service, my liege."

Hanbin's eyes widened massively after a moment of processing, his voice even higher than usual as he confirmed, " _WAIT_ , you mean-"

"Guess so," Jiwon said with a bright grin, letting go of Hanbin which finally let the younger breathe. But then he saw Jiwon's hand on the doorknob of the cupboard and he panicked, yelping, "Wait!"

Jiwon furrowed his eyebrows but didn't move. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing, just..." Hanbin narrowed his eyes in thought before pulling Jiwon forward by his arms and sorting out his collar and crumpled shirt, muttering, "You look far too messy for a simple _talk_ so there's no way I'm letting you go out like that-"

Jiwon just watched on with a small smile as Hanbin pushed his tie up and tried patting down Jiwon's hair, making sure he looked as presentable as he could possibly be. "Woah, woah, don't make me look like some goody-two-shoes."

Hanbin hummed in thought, leaning back for a moment before tousling Jiwon's hair, making the elder snort a little bit. "Wow. I've bagged myself a free stylist."

"And you look great so shut up and accept it," Hanbin mumbled, still concentrating as he stared for a moment, thoughtful before he unbuttoned Jiwon's first shirt button which even surprised the latter. "Aight, perfect."

"Thanks, doll," Jiwon said with amusement clouding his voice, sending a big smile that seemed to reach his eyes in that metaphorical way people talked about, before he was smoothly walking out of the cupboard as if he had had a lot of experience doing that before.

And Hanbin knew that was true.

The instant Jiwon was out of clear sight, Hanbin slumped against the brooms and ran a hand through his hair, his brain feeling a little fried as he mumbled to himself, "What the heck just happened..."

His entire body was still tingling a little, his nose red because of Jiwon's touch on his face and he felt so much _colder_ than before. Hanbin felt more dazzled and taken than he ever had before and he couldn't help but think that this was the greatly-spoken-of charm of Kim Jiwon, the guy who had been the talk of the school ever since he was a freshman.

Hanbin was just another person falling under the spell that Jiwon was barely casting.

"God, I've got _way_ too in over my head," Hanbin muttered as he stared at the scrawl of numbers on his hand that seemed to be jumping out at him. "Please don't tell me this is a mistake..."

It was only then that he realised that Jiwon's pen lid was still in his other hand.

Fun.

~~~

Jiwon was grinning as he walked into a dorm that wasn't his, making Junhoe look up in surprise and do a weird mix of a salute and wave since he changed his mind on what to do inbetween. "Ah, hey, hyung."

"Junhoe," Jiwon acknowledged chirpily, grabbing a packet of crisps that he had seen in the corner of his eye and Junhoe widened his eyes in worry.

"Wait, that's not mine-"

"Today's been a great day," Jiwon said firmly, leaning against the kitchen counter and not noticing Junhoe's stress about the crisps. "I mean, if you don't count the failed test and the falling into the teacher incident and the almost getting run over thing then this day's been downright delightful!"

"That's the spiriiiiiiit," Junhoe cheered pretty flatly and Jiwon frowned at him, opening the crisps packet aggressively.

"Why do you hate me so much?"

"Wha—I don't _hate_ you, gosh-"

"Yeah, sure," Jiwon huffed, stuffing a crisp in his mouth before going over to Junhoe. "Now, I'm going to angrily offer you a chip and you're gonna take one or _so_ help me-"

"Alright, alright, geez," Junhoe grumbled, taking one since Jiwon's arm was so elegantly outstretched like a ballerina's for the cause. Junhoe frowned at the crisp. "I don't even like this flavour..."

"Well, you gonna eat it 'cause you love me."

Junhoe didn't answer, only looking mildly uncomfortable and Jiwon gave up on him with a deep sigh. One day he'd get Junhoe to act normal around him, one day, and then they would prove everyone wrong and take over the world because they were awesome.

_Totally not an exaggeration at all, don't even._

"So why're you so happy, hyung?" Junhoe asked, looking up from his phone and Jiwon felt pleasantly surprised by the question—but instead of ruining the moment by questioning it, he simply sat next to Junhoe and sighed dreamily, "I'm lovesick."

"Wait, legit?"

"Okay, no, but boys are very cute these days."

"I don't know if you sound like a grandma or a noona," Junhoe snorted and Jiwon grinned at him, offering him another crisp.

"I'd ace as a girl."

" _Ewww-_ "

"I would, though I'd probably be the ugliest thing you could lay eyes on."

"True."

"HEY-"

"So why d'you think that boys are cute 'these days'?" Junhoe asked curiously, putting his phone down completely and Jiwon thought for a moment, formulating a deep answer that he threw out the window the instant he started speaking.

"Well, I mean, you're cute, Jinhwan-hyung's cute, a lot of people I see are cute, _I'm_ cute-"

"Dude, you were just saying you're ugly."

Jiwon looked at him flatly and Junhoe backed up into the sofa, zipping up his mouth and saying almost incoherently, "I'm silent."

"I was kidding with that one, you egg. And it's also so much nicer to appreciate these people when you're not trying to ravish them, you get me?"

Junhoe broke his mouthzip instantly, wincing. "Ugh, you as a playboy was _gross_ , like who uses those kinds of words and _doesn't_ want to throw themselves out of a window?"

"You'd like that, wouldn't you?" Jiwon asked sadly, his entire body the embodiment of a pout and Junhoe frowned, feeling stressed out.

"Hyung, _stop_ it, I don't hate you that much, I just-"

"I gotta go write out some lesson plans, so I don't have time for your meaningless apologies," Jiwon sniffed, getting up and walking dramatically towards the door while Junhoe stared after him, weirded out. "Since freaking when are you a teacher-"

"Well, you'll know once you don't detest me-"

"I'm actually so done with you-"

"Oi, that is not _allowed_ -"

Jiwon paused when his phone buzzed, swooping to take it out of his pocket and the instant he saw what was on the screen, a smile graced his face. Junhoe furrowed his eyebrows, wanting to question it but honestly, everyone was happy when Jiwon smiled so he just let it be.

**unknown number**   
_tomorrow evening._

**unknown number**   
_if that's okay i mean if you're not free or anything then just tellme_

**unknown number**   
_but like_

**unknown number**   
_tomorrow evening would be yay_

**unknown number**   
_ah! it's hanbin!_

**unknown number**   
_by the way_

**you**   
_HANBINNNN_

**unknown number**   
_ah haii!_

**you**   
_THE BEST BIN EVER_

**unknown number**   
_):_

**you**   
_oh noh don't be sad I'm sorry_

**you**   
_so tomorrow evening huh? sounds great_

**unknown number**   
_ah really? thank gosh_

**you**   
_I'll text you details, but for now, just remember to come at...eight!_

**unknown number**   
_ooh eight_

**unknown number**   
_eighty eight eighteth_

**unknown number**   
_I mean_   
_eight_   
_a nice number_

**you**   
_shut up you're too cute_

**you**   
_anyway, I gotta leave you be but be prepared for tomorrow! remember to wear something cool! I'll be the best tutor in the world, just wait ;)_

**unknown number**   
_I gotta be the judge of that hyung_

**you**   
_hm, true but i don't see ya disagreeing with me anytime soooooon_

**unknown number**   
_pffft aight then, mr arrogant_

**you**   
_:D_

**unknown number**   
_have a nice day hyung_

Jiwon grinned absentmindedly then, all sorts of plans running through his head for the next evening as he left the dorm with a hyped goodbye to Junhoe, feeling oddly rejuvenated even though he hadn't felt that bad at all before.

**you**   
_you too, doll_

 


	5. confidence

**Lesson One:** _**Confidence**_  
 **— objective:** _make Hanbin feel confident enough in himself to feel like he can do anything—e.g. kiss someone. Namely Jinhwan but in this lesson, me._

_— Bobby_

—

It was almost exactly eight pm when Hanbin stood in front of the address he had been sent via text, looking back and forth between the text on his phone and the apartment. The latter was pretty normal, a small place with a ton of similar-looking others milling around and through the neighbourhood which was actually one that Hanbin was completely unfamiliar with. The streets were so quiet with only a few distant yells or clanks and the whistling of the wind filling the air—the soft atmosphere put Hanbin at ease and even though he was _so_ nervous that it was getting impossibly hard to hide, he managed to close his eyes and take a breath.

_If he tries to do anything bad, go-to-plan's to knock him out against a wall and bolt out screeching a war cry, right?_

He still wasn't sure what Jiwon had meant by 'wear something cool'. Why? Were they actually going to go somewhere—wait, was Jiwon mean enough to make the first lesson public?!

 _God, shut up, you moron,_ Hanbin thought exasperatedly, looking down at his clothes and pulling at his cuffs. He was honestly debating on wearing his mouse sweater he had just bought but he settled for jeans and a viridian, patterned button-up t-shirt instead, half of it tucked in while the cuffs were open and went past his hands a little. He thought he looked pretty...'cool'? And he was also feeling quite triumphant since Jinhwan had walked into a wall because he had been staring at Hanbin for too long.

Hanbin shook himself then, envisioning himself as jelly to loosen up a little before he took a few steps forward and knocked once, twice on the door. The few moments in wait after were pretty torturous but that started melting away once a certain someone opened the door, his face changing from wondering to bright in moments. "Hey!"

"Hi, hyung," Hanbin replied, not really able to resist mirroring Jiwon's grin but then the elder was pulling Hanbin in by the arm, chattering away as Hanbin tried his best not to stumble not-so-charmingly over his feet.

"Ah, don't mind my humble abode, I thought that maybe I should clean up but then I kind of didn't want to but I _did_ try my best so it's cleaner than it is usually! That deserves kudos, right? I'll give myself kudos, unless you don't want me to have kudos then I'm sorry."

Jiwon shut up pretty abruptly after that and Hanbin opened his mouth to say something before realising that he had absolutely no idea what to say...so after a few moments, Hanbin asked almost raspily, "Where are you taking me?"

Jiwon instantly froze, blinking in confusion before he turned around to face Hanbin. "Not quite sure, actually, but...hey, you look great, doll."

Hanbin let out a sheepish snort, crossing his arms. "Yeah, sure."

"You do."

"Liar."

"But no, really!"

"Still lying, hyung, how dare you."

Jiwon opened his mouth to retort sharply before he blinked and his gaze softened a little. "Well, that kinda neatly brings me to today's topic."

Hanbin couldn't help but straighten up, suddenly feeling how the atmosphere had set heavier and it only got worse when Jiwon asked, "Would you, at this moment in time, be able to go up to Jinhwan-hyung and kiss him even though you have no idea how to do it?"

Hanbin's eyes widened as he stared at Jiwon like he was absolutely out of his mind but the elder only raised his eyebrows. "Still waiting for an answer."

"Uh, hell no?"

"Hell no?"

" _Hell_ no."

"Alright." Then Jiwon all of a sudden surged forward and took hold of Hanbin's chin, his quick fingers dancing down and along his neck as his lips slowly, _agonisingly_ ghosted up Hanbin's jaw before they hovered just above the latter's ear, letting Jiwon whisper, "Then how about me?"

Hanbin had to swallow back an embarrassing squeak as his heart raced a mile a minute, leaving him so breathless with Jiwon making goosebumps erupt all over his skin that he had to push the elder away, gentle but anxious as his hand lay on Jiwon's chest to do so. "I-I...no. No, I can't."

"Ah, that's okay," Jiwon said with a comforting smile, his seductive aura completely gone all of a sudden which made Hanbin feel a little dizzy. "So now our first lesson commences— _confidence._ "

Jiwon grabbed Hanbin's hand then, messily intertwining their fingers as he dragged the boy towards the door without a word of explanation, almost making Hanbin faceplant which he really wasn't a fan of doing. "Wait, kidnapping wasn't in the contract, don't-"

"Oh hush, you'll love it," Jiwon chirped and he sounded so damn sure of himself that Hanbin simply let him pull him out of the apartment and down the road, only the streetlights illuminating the dark streets and Hanbin had no idea whether to feel scared for his life or _excited._

Maybe 'both' was a better option.

~~~

They had probably done about five minutes of walking at this point and they had both considerably calmed down, Jiwon somehow looking cool while swinging their joined hands and Hanbin looking around at the unfamiliar surroundings. This was one of the areas that really became enhanced by the lights of the night, the moon casting silvery overcoats and long shadows that they both walked through without another thought.

"I've seen you rap before," Jiwon suddenly said and Hanbin furrowed his eyebrows.

"Wait, how?"

"I've stolen Jinhwan-hyung's phone tons of times before, ya know?"

Hanbin was a pretty slow person and Jiwon watched him the whole time he was processing, a grin slowly growing on his face just as Hanbin's eyes did in realisation. "Wait, that has all my videos- OH MY _GOD_ , YOU'VE WATCHED MY-"

"Shhh, people are sleeping!"

"Who cares, I'm in absolute _trauma_ here, I-"

"You're incredible," was the only thing Jiwon had to say to successfully get Hanbin to shut up. A soft gust of breeze racing past was the only thing that made Jiwon hesitate for a moment before continuing, "You're a high-pitched rapper which is so rare and sweet and you've got a flow to die for, and I guess...I think I've thought before that if we ever became friends then I _have_ to take you here. But it's all part of the lesson too, and you'll see exactly why if I don't forget."

Hanbin wanted to throw a billion questions at Jiwon, an involuntary blush on his cheeks because of the compliment, but all he could say was, "What has any of that have to do with kissing?"

"Uh...I think I'll answer that soon," Jiwon replied, looking a little sheepish as he scratched the back of his head but then he was halting and whirling on Hanbin, his eyes curious as he asked, "Why do you rap?"

"Well, isn't _that_ a story," Hanbin snorted, trying to make Jiwon start walking again but the elder stood his ground.

"It's a story I want to hear, though."

"Is it?"

"Don't underestimate what'll be your bestselling biography one day, doll."

Hanbin scrunched up his face in disagreement and Jiwon laughed lightly, the sound airy as he tried not to make a lot of noise. But a moment after he quietened down, Hanbin muttered, "It all started with me writing songs. I've always loved writing anything from stories to poems to _all_ sorts, I think mostly because I love watching dramas and reading stories...and in a way, I've always felt a little fake because all my inspiration's not from what I experience because...well, I pretty much haven't experienced a thing. I'm a closed-off idiot with like three friends or something and I've been holing up in my room for years with tv and music to keep me company."

"When did you decide to actually write songs?" Jiwon asked, his voice a husky, harmless almost-whisper and Hanbin shrugged.

"I'd always been aware of sounds. When I was young, my mum told me that sound and noise was in absolutely everything and it was added to enjoyment, anger, sorrow, every emotion imaginable. I didn't really get her then but the next day, I decided to listen, _really_ listen...and it was honestly amazing."

"What was?"

"Hearing everything without a filter, without being focused on one thing. I could hear the racing of cars, gossiping school kids, fighting adults from down the road, birdsong, the rustle of leaves and it just kind of all meshed into some kind of weird, terrible but wonderful song. And it was then, right then that I started to understand that sound was in every single emotion possible and complimented and finished whatever feeling you wanted to portray, and then I was yelled at to go to school just when I was having an epiphany."

"School sucks."

"Sure does. But we had to write a poem in Korean class and guess what _this_ guy did?" Hanbin pointed to himself and grinned out of nostalgia. "I tapped a beat to it with a worn-out pencil on a desk, and I was absolutely certain that I was a legend."

"And you _were,_ " Jiwon cheered positively but Hanbin instantly shot him down.

"Oh hell no, all the kids laughed at me."

"Well, dang..."

"But I've been honing my non-existent skills ever since then, and then I think...I turned more to rap because like every teenager, I got a little depressed and dejected every now and then. Or maybe _more_ than a little. There were so many things I wanted to yell and scream about and when I sat down and wrote about them, the words would all come flowing out but they were too rough and raw to be for vocals...I was kind of a troubled kid who kept too much bottled up, and rapping got me lost in a world where I felt _less_ lost. I loved it, still do."

Jiwon didn't know how to react to everything that Hanbin was saying because he himself related so much to almost all of it. But saying something like 'I know how you feel' would be lame so Jiwon just opted to not open his mouth, turning a sharp right into an alleyway that was cleaner than most ones. But then he heard a small sniff and he frowned, turning back only to see Hanbin looking down but not crying, only seeming a little bit down. "Hey, what's wrong?"

"Rapping and writing music and all that—it's literally become my life, you know?" Hanbin murmured and Jiwon nodded, getting every word.

"I know."

"And even if the future may seem bright, I can't help thinking...even though I want to become a rapper more than anything I can think of, it's not going to happen, is it?"

Jiwon let out a deep sigh and turned around for good, pushing Hanbin against the alley's wall and pressing his hands to either side of his face. "Look at me, you _are_ talented. And if you want to make it then you're going to for _sure_ make it because you're Kim Hanbin, the kid who calls girls anchovies and has mastered everything to do with music because you've got the raw talent to do that and _dominate_. You can do it, I know you can."

Hanbin brought his eyes up to look into Jiwon's, star-speckled and thoughtful for a moment before he laid his hands on Jiwon's arm and pushed them apart, making the latter's hands leave his face. "That was sweet and everything but you should probably say that stuff _after_ we've known each other more than a few days."

"But I like you," Jiwon said matter-of-factly as if that explained everything before pressing a feather-light kiss to Hanbin's cheek that lasted so quick that it was like it almost didn't happen, and then Jiwon was dragging Hanbin away again without a single shred of remorse.

And Hanbin just felt like his heart was going to burst out of his chest.

 


	6. mic check

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you guys are liking the story so far! just a heads up, the song in this chapter doesn't exist, it's just something I made up so it's quite bad (I tried to put as minimal lines as I could). that's all i gotta say 
> 
> enjoy!

"This, my friend, is where it all starts," Jiwon said with a small smirk, completely cryptic as they stood in front of what seemed like a pretty normal building until you were slapped in the face by the overwhelming amount of muffled music and cheers coming from inside of it. The windows were tinted so you could barely see anything, but you could already tell there was a ton of movement going on and Hanbin subconsciously gulped. 

"You...you brought me to a club, didn't you?"

"Oh, not just _any_ club," Jiwon replied, sounding incredibly proud of himself. "An underground hip-hop one."

Hanbin whipped his head around to stare at Jiwon, suddenly bubbling with excitement that he tried his best to keep at bay. "Oh my God, tell me you're kidding, _no-_ "

"Didn't I say I wanted to take you somewhere special? Hope you've got a rap in your head, doll."

And then Jiwon was almost throwing the door open, revealing an explosion of culture and cultivated music that made Hanbin's heart soar to the nines. People were almost everywhere, milling about or yelling along to the amazing guy tearing it up on the stage, his flow more stable and fluent than Hanbin's Korean.

"Holy sweet baby carrots-"

"ID," a bouncer said gruffly, coming out of nowhere and Hanbin blinked, confused before Jiwon just smiled charmingly and said, "It's okay, he's with me."

The bouncer peered down at Jiwon, eyes narrowed before he muttered, "I have no idea who the heck you are."

Jiwon's face instantly fell. "Oh..."

"It's alright," Hanbin said with a smile he couldn't hold back, reaching into his pocket and taking out his wallet and Jiwon stared at it like it was his mortal enemy.

"Why do you have... _that?"_

Hanbin blinked, looking at his wallet then back at Jiwon who looked very distressed. "Uh...you mean my wallet? I don't know, in case you wanted to go eat or something-"

"AND WHY WOULD YOU BE PAYING-"

"AND WHY ARE YOU YELLING?"

"Because this is a very concerning matter and being civil is for dweebs," Jiwon huffed, crossing his arms and Hanbin just raised an eyebrow as he showed the bouncer his driver's license and the latter nodded towards the club.

"Go ahead, and take your overgrown man-baby with you."

Jiwon's mouth dropped open and Hanbin grinned, wrapping an arm around Jiwon's one and pulling him forwards. "Thanks."

"THE NAME'S _BOBBY_ , INTIMIDATING SIR, REMEMBER IT!" Jiwon yelled behind his back as he was being dragged, shaking his fist at the bouncer who just plain ignored him. Jiwon frowned, slumping a little but he started forgetting about it when Hanbin's arm circled his waist almost absent-mindedly to prop him up a bit. "Hey, what-"

"Look!" Hanbin whisper-yelled which Jiwon only heard because he was staring at the younger, but he followed where he was pointing which was at the stage, already heating up from the few acts that had joined the other guy who were running around with ice-cold fire rap leaving their mouths like some kind of hail sent from the sun. Jiwon grinned instantly, looking to the side at Hanbin whose lips were pulled into the biggest smile possible and his already amazing eyes slight with delight and adrenaline. Jiwon felt so _accomplished_ , something he didn't feel a lot, and Hanbin looked so pretty and happy that he almost couldn't handle it.

"It's pretty great, huh?"

"Hell yeah."

"I've actually only come here twice, so it's not particularly my scene," Jiwon admitted a little bashfully but Hanbin didn't seem to mind. "But I think, every rapper has to experience this at least once in their lives. It's just really thrilling, performing in a place like this, and...it makes you feel like you can do anything in the world."

"I don't doubt it," Hanbin muttered, still rather taken by everything going on but then Jiwon put his hands on the younger's shoulders and made him face him, making sure they had strong eye-contact before saying lowly, "So the first task I'm ever getting you to do is this—you're going to perform."

Hanbin's eyes widened, his smile starting to slip but Jiwon quickly put a hand over Hanbin's mouth before he could start objecting. "You'll be a _legend_ up there, don't worry, but I'm not done."

"Therf maw?" Hanbin asked with much difficulty and Jiwon couldn't keep his grin down.

"Just- just one small, _tiny_ little thing."

"Mmf..."

"Once you're done, you gotta kiss me."

"MMF?!" Hanbin exclaimed before ripping Jiwon's hand off of him and screeching, "You WHAT-"

"I knew you'd be on board! Now you're gonna give your phone which I really hope has some sort of instrumental on it to the guy who organises the speakers and you're gonna prepare and then perform and AHHHH goes the crowd and everyone's happy!"

Hanbin almost wanted to punch Jiwon in the face when the guy patted him on the back like he _wasn't_ about to do something scarier than hiking up Mount Everest. Pfft, Hanbin would rather do that in a _heartbeat._

Or maybe not.

He couldn't ignore how excited he actually was too.

"Will all lessons be like this?" Hanbin asked a little uneasily and Jiwon burst into laughter for some reason, shaking his head. "Oh hell no, this is a one-off. It's to kick this whole thing off 'cause..."

"I'm guessing you don't get asked to do stuff a lot?" Hanbin asked, trying his best to sound less mean than he knew he intended to be but Jiwon still sent him a pout, about to cross his arms before realising that he didn't want to look too much like a child. Even if he honestly was one.

"I do! I'm very trustworthy! I just...shut up."

Hanbin only smiled sweetly to infuriate the guy further as Jiwon dragged him to some other place in the club that he had no idea about.

~~~

It was the most overwhelming thing to be standing on that raised platform, what seemed like hundreds of eyes staring at you and _you_ alone. Hanbin knew that he looked cold and hard on the outside because he had been perfecting that kind of shell for years without realising, but inside, his nerves were jumping about recklessly and he was finding it a little hard to breathe. He wet his lips, shakily bringing the microphone to his lips—

And all it took was a side-look to the jumping, hollering support stool that was Jiwon for Hanbin to bite back a smile and holler, "HE _LLO_ , PEOPLE!"

The cheers were like a ripple through the crowd then, gradual but eventually so grand that Hanbin had never felt more amazed in his life. His eyes swept over it all as he called out, "Mic check one _two_...everyone, my name is B.I."

The crowd flared up again and Hanbin couldn't help but look back at Jiwon with an elated grin; the elder gave him a thumbs up and put a hand on his heart because that was probably the darn cutest thing he had ever seen, but then Hanbin's eyes were set fierce again and he was completely composed in seconds.

God, Jiwon was terrified and amazed _and_ attracted all at the same time.

Everything seemed completely silent as the music started up and the familiarity of it honestly made Hanbin feel a little more comfortable, his bones loosening up as he closed his eyes and slowly brought the mic to his lips, intentionally letting out a soft breath before starting calmly, _"Writing about love to me is hypocrisy, I'm tired of all the lies that I'm setting free; I've never done it, never felt it, never even thought about the way that I can do it 'cause I'm a liar. Just a kid wrapped up in fairytales, preaching like a choir."_

The crowd seemed silently awed, as if they weren't sure what to make of it, and Jiwon's eyes were, oddly enough, sparkling as he watched Hanbin on stage. His fluid movements, his sharp gaze that pierced through your soul, the way he manipulated his words like a pro and he seemed like he had everything down to perfection...Jiwon didn't want to blink as he looked at him on stage, only fleetingly thinking, _eomma, I've found my soulmate._

That was a joke.

Obviously.

 _"Love, it pains you more than anything you can think of, the sun'll shine where broken hearts lie, that's what they all say, 'it gets better'!"_ Hanbin almost roared the last word and the crowd cheered louder than anything he had ever heard. Adrenaline, fire, passion, it was all coursing through him and he couldn't help but feel slightly drunk at the feeling. _"But it's all in our heads, just take it back again, it's all in vain, it's hurts no matter what we say."_

"This song is rather deep," Jiwon muttered before getting the shock in his life when someone yelped, "Right?!" from behind him.

_"We tear apart, we fix ourselves, we come back for more even though we know, it breaks us but it shapes us and it'll all be in the past. Even though it's a mess, in distress, we'll never be the greatest, it's chaos, but we're trying our best-"_

Hanbin was raging at this point, the whole crowd wrapped around his finger as he spun rhymes like sickly sweet darts, punching them all in the face with his words and Jiwon wished Hanbin would punch him too....with his mouth...preferably.

 _"I know what you're thinking, when's this moron gonna finish? His rhymes are sloppy, it's like he's a little kid talking about a lost teddy?"_ Hanbin laughed, a winning smile on his face as he winked at the crowd and Jiwon was caught between his own very serious trauma because of that and the lady's near him who was screaming far too hard. "Uh, ma'am-"

_"But remember, love's a mess and if you're already at the end of your wits, try to ignore the sign pierced to your heart that says 'I can't do this'. You're not worthless, if it hurts then let it hurt, if it dies then let it die, if the love can't be saved then so what, just make sure you survive."_

Hanbin slowly lowered the microphone, looking around at everyone who seemed to be holding their breath. It was then that Jiwon couldn't help but let out a low wolf-whistle and yells instantly followed, cheers and even some sparse calls for encores filling the room. B.I instantly fell apart at the sound of that to become Hanbin, a smile growing on his lips that shined so captivatingly, like a ray of sunshine had been painted on his face. The world seemed like a better place for a moment.

"WoooOOO, THAT'S MA BOI!" Jiwon hollered, moving further behind the stage and jumping up like crazy so he could get Hanbin's attention. "WELL, HE'S NOT REALLY MY BOI BUT WE KNOW EACH OTHER SO HELL _YEAH_ , SUCKERS-"

"Oh my God, that felt _amazing,_ " Hanbin hissed brightly, instantly scurrying over to the part of the stage Jiwon was at despite a bouncer waving the other way. "I feel like I just raised mountains and-and held up the _sky_ , and—can I jump off?"

"Oh, sure?" Jiwon replied in surprise, holding his arms out uncertainly but he managed to catch Hanbin in time as he jumped off the stage, definitely not a far drop but the two were all over each other, Jiwon's arms wrapping around Hanbin's waist firmly while the younger's went around Jiwon's shoulders. "Dude, you were _so-_ "

"Tell me in a minute," Hanbin breathed out before, with no warning whatsoever, he crashed his lips into Jiwon's. The elder almost yelped, his eyes widening but they slowly drooped as the kiss got slower, his grip on Hanbin weakening as he slowly brought the boy down back onto his feet.

The kiss was the messiest thing in the world, full of inexperience on Hanbin's part hinted by clashing teeth and their noses brushing too much and it was hard for _Jiwon_ to even save it—but he found it endearing and so cute that he stuck with it until Hanbin decided to break it, and then they were both staring at each other, a gaze full of sparkling eyes, haze, euphoria, shock, and simple excitement that was wearing into disbelief. Most of that was Hanbin, since Jiwon just kind of felt dizzy and proud as heck.

"I just did that," Hanbin gulped, looking very confused at life and Jiwon had to bite his lip to hold back from kissing the guy again.

"That you did, babe."

He grinned cheekily, expecting to get hit because of the nickname but the only thing he was hit by was a wide-eyed, dazed look from Hanbin. "I'm...ah. Wow. Help. No. I'm fine. I'm great. Yay."

Jiwon had already noticed the stares they were getting but they were too far gone to stop now, so Jiwon pulled Hanbin forward until their foreheads met and the latter's cheeks flushed a little pink. "So."

"So..."

"How'd you find your first kiss, doll?"

Hanbin had to rack his brains a little to find an answer to that. To be honest, he could barely remember the kiss, which was ironic, but he remembered the before and after; dominating the stage and feeling like a legend, and then seeing Jiwon's awed, surprised face after he broke the kiss. It was...it was honestly the best feeling ever.

"It could've been worse," was what Hanbin ended up saying instead and Jiwon beamed, his eyes crinkling and his nose scrunching up and all those little things that people talked about but you didn't really tend to notice when you saw it.

But Hanbin noticed.

Jiwon was kind of beautiful in a way.

And he found it odd later on that not once during that whole time had he thought about Jinhwan, until he did when Jiwon's lips later neared his for the second time that night.

But that was another story.

Kim Hanbin had just had his first kiss, everyone, and he felt like the strongest guy alive.

 


	7. tainting

It was odd really that Hanbin didn't see Jiwon around school at all after the underground hip-hop night until he realised that he never _used_ to, so why would he now?

Well, when you get to know someone, you start to look forward to seeing them more.

Was that the case here?

Hanbin and Jinhwan were just talking against the wall at the edge of the hall, the place that was basically turned into a hang-out out of class hours for the people who lived there in the dorms. They went there a lot for just random reasons and sometimes Donghyuk or Yunhyeong, maybe both, would join them; or _very_ rarely, a certain Junhoe would make an appearance. Hanbin was fine with him but Jinhwan barely knew the guy, so he'd always stay two minutes at the most.

It always started off and ended up with Hanbin and Jinhwan.

"He said I had potential, and while I call absolute _bullshit_ , it was kinda nice to hear?" Jinhwan said uncertainly, pointing his flapjack at Hanbin for his input and the younger only shrugged, saying, "Everyone likes compliments, you're no exception."

"No but dude, I _suck_ at volleyball."

"So what, you suck at everything-"

Hanbin snickered when Jinhwan punched his arm, scowling as he took an aggressive bite of his flapjack and it was one of the cutest sights ever. To be honest, Hanbin was multitasking between listening to Jinhwan and admiring him like the creep he was. He couldn't help it, not when Jinhwan was looking so ethereal in light pink and his hair that he was growing out. He was absolutely glowing today, like some kind of pearl.

God, Hanbin _really_ wished Jinhwan knew how pretty he was. He was stealing his heart every day because of it, but it wasn't like he minded.

"Yo, can you imagine me as some kind of legendary volleyball star?"

"Pfft, so you'd be basically Hinata from Haikyuu who may I remind you is sho-"

"I'm not short, stop!" Jinhwan grumbled, glaring daggers while Hanbin raised his hands in surrender.

"Well, excuse you 'cause I was actually gonna say _shockingly_ good at jumping."

Jinhwan rolled his eyes. "Yeah, sure you were-"

They were both cut off when someone suddenly took hold of Hanbin's shoulders and spun the guy around, making him open his mouth to question it before he was met with a very curious-seeming Kim Jiwon. "Oh-"

"Can you dance?" Jiwon straight-up asked and Hanbin blinked, muttering in confusion, "Well, hello to you too..."

"I was just wondering 'cause...on stage, it really looked like you had some moves. Or that you were _capable_ of it." Jiwon smirked as his hands went a little lower, his fingertips dancing against Hanbin's sides and the latter froze. "Kind of wonder what you'd be like in bed..."

"What do you mean?"

"Oh, u-um-"

"Can you stop tainting this bean, thank you very much?" Jinhwan asked with a raised eyebrow, pulling Hanbin away from Jiwon whose eyes lit up when he caught sight of the former.

"JINHWAN-HYUNG!"

"That's me, yes, yay, but since when do you two ever interact?"

"Since we fell deliriously and undyingly in love with each other, duh," Jiwon said matter-of-factly, pulling Hanbin towards him again but Jinhwan only tugged him back.

"Oh, that would never happen in a million years-"

"Excuse you but I'll have you know that Hanbin likes me a _whole_ lot-"

"Pfft, even _I_ don't like you all that much-"

"HEY, CAN YOU NOT ATTACK ME-"

Hanbin felt both ignored and too centred, which was...strange, so he ripped his arms out of both of their holds and was just about to walk off to avoid imminent danger but Jinhwan held him back. "Hey, where're you going?"

"You guys seem to be heating up a bit so..."

"Pfft, that was all a joke, we love each other really!" Jiwon cheered, tackling Jinhwan into a back-hug that made the elder groan as he tried and failed to push the guy off. And Hanbin grinned, shaking his head as he finally walked off and he actually got pretty far before he heard racing footsteps behind him and Jinhwan's voice yelling, "OI STOP, BOB, YOU'LL BREAK HIM-"

Hanbin blinked, bracing himself a little but then there was a strange turn of events; Jiwon just ran straight past him. "...wha-"

"DUDE, WE'RE LATE TO CALCULUS!" Jiwon screeched, flapping his hand behind him frantically to gesture for Hanbin to follow him. "WE GONNA GET SKEWERED-"

"Hyung, Calculus isn't for another hour-"

"Just let him go," Jinhwan said solemnly once he reached Hanbin, patting the younger's back. "He brought this upon himself."

"I'm so confused."

 


	8. foreplay

**Lesson Two:** _Foreplay_  
**— notes:** _if the kid truly wants to learn to kiss, he's gotta know how to lead up to it in the right way. And as a master, I'll teach him!—wouldn't hurt to get him a little hot and bothered too if he's okay with it, but we'll worry about that next cha—uh, later ^^_

_— Bobby_

—

Hanbin thought that if he ever kissed someone, that would be all he'd think about for _weeks_. Months, maybe. And that one kiss with Jiwon had been so quick like a single strike of lightning and he couldn't help but...wish for another one. Just to kickstart his memory about what it was like.

And besides, he had no idea how this lesson thing was supposed to work. Jiwon had made it pretty clear that Hanbin was the one to decide when they had classes but Hanbin was dumb and didn't know whether to just ask for one every week or every few days but if he _did_ decide on every few days then how many days meant a 'few'—three, four?

Five?!

Hanbin frowned, scratching his head lightly with his pen as he tried to think that through at the same time as doing his maths homework. Multitasking like that was...kind of difficult...but he was somehow doing it?

He was so engrossed in it all that he didn't really have enough attention left to give to the guy who decided to sink down next to him, laying a hoodie-clad arm tentatively on Hanbin's shoulders as if that might cross some sort of universal personal space boundary. Funny, this guy didn't usually seem to care about boundaries when it came to Hanbin. "Doing homework on such a nice day?"

Hanbin grunted in reply, not really listening and Jiwon sighed before deciding to go above and beyond—his arm slipped down to Hanbin's waist and he was about to pull the guy towards him before Hanbin raised his head to give him a piercing glare. "Don't even think about it."

"Think about what?" Jiwon asked innocently, batting his eyelashes which made Hanbin scrunch up his nose. 

"You have _super_ long eyelashes."

"Does that make me...pretty?" Jiwon asked in a sickly sweet voice, laying his head on Hanbin's shoulder while looking up at him with a smile that would make _anyone's_ heart do somersaults, let alone Hanbin's.

"...no."

"Aw, you suck-"

"You'd look prettier without this." Hanbin plucked Jiwon's snapback off his head and grinned instantly, mussing up Jiwon's hair. "There, perfect. You actually look like the kid you are now."

"Shut up, you call girls anchovies-"

"Dude, stop bringing that _up-_ "

"It's all I have against you, okay, you're some kind of piece of perfection."

 _Well dang, you're in for a shock,_ Hanbin instantly thought as all of the stupid things he had ever done started racing through his head like some kind of painful movie and there were so many more memories than he wished there were. _I swear to God, I can be dumber than uncooked pasta. But at least that's useful, the most helpful thing that I've probably ever done is save Junhoe from that car accident which was great but then I broke my leg which was ow and then I fell down the stairs the instant I got discharged from hospital and I swear Jiwon was there too and laughed at me for a second before he realised that I was actually hurt, wonder if he remembers—_

"You okay?" Jiwon asked in concern, knocking on the side of Hanbin's head lightly and the younger jolted a little, trying to look cool but he ended up just smiling in embarrassment. He did that quite a bit these days which was annoying, to himself at least.

"Sorry."

"Oh, it's fine, I just-"

"If...um...today. Tonight. Would that be okay?" Hanbin asked out of nowhere, no context whatsoever, and Jiwon stared at him a bit terrifiedly.

"Uh, to d-do what?"

"Why do you look so scared?" Hanbin wondered in confusion before his eyes instantly widened and he leant in closer to Jiwon, whispering, "Can you see ghosts?"

 _He's really not the type of guy to want to sleep with you or kill you so calm down, dude,_ Jiwon thought to himself as he shook his head. "Nah, no way, I just...what are we gonna do tonight?"

"Oh!" Hanbin realised, straightening up a little bit. "You remember, the lesson thingamajig? With the kissing 'cause I suck and I wanna learn so I can stick it to...well, _me_ for doubting myself, I guess, which sounds dumb but that always happens-"

"Remember when you told me to 'stop self-deprecating' that one time?" Jiwon asked with a raised eyebrow. "Well, stop being a hypocrite, kid. And today's perfect, I wouldn't mind at all."

"Same time as last?"

"Sure thing."

Neither of them knew what to say after that, silence filling the air as Hanbin fiddled with his hands and Jiwon's fingertips lightly tapped on Hanbin's hip. The younger was wondering when he would let go of his waist but it didn't seem like it would be anytime soon—not like Hanbin minded all that much.

Even if it was still strange.

Were boundaries supposed to exist here or no?

"When people kiss, how do their noses not get in the way?" Hanbin suddenly asked in confusion. "Does it have to retract into their face a little bit or are there some crazy angles involved that just ignore them or what? And is biting involved?! 'Cause that sounds rather...ouch."

Jiwon stared at Hanbin in amazement, speechless for a moment before he shook his head. "God, you're too cute, I hate it. Why do _I_ have to be the one to ruin your innocence?"

"I'm not... _that_ innocent..."

"Keep telling yourself that. But anyway, I need to go so-" Jiwon leant in to press a kiss to Hanbin's cheek and the latter smiled sheepishly, shying away when it was over and Jiwon felt the urge to coo.

Seriously, boundaries just didn't exist to him.

"I'll see you tonight, and mentally preparing yourself will probably be a good idea!"

"Do I need to follow a 'dress code' again?"

"Nah, just...ah, don't worry, you'll look cute whatever you wear-"

Jiwon's words regressed into laughter when Hanbin punched him hard in the arm, his other hand covering his face that Jiwon wished he could see. But he settled with giving the boy a small squeeze and a bright 'see ya!' before leaving to a place that he had kind of supposed to be ten minutes ago.

'Cute boys are more important' was one of Jiwon's mottos, though.

~~~

_Here we are again. Back at Jiwon-hyung's place that I'm still wondering how he can afford._

Hanbin had only narrowly slipped out of Jinhwan's clutches this time—last lesson, Jinhwan had gone to sleep early after some more 'harrowing' sport (if he really sucked as bad as he said he did then why did he do it so much?), but this time, Hanbin had to deal with the elder wailing pitifully about his sister having a boyfriend and he did _not_ approve whereas Hanbin couldn't care less.

"She's still a baby, Bin, a _baby-_ "

"Dude, she's so much older than you."

"Age doesn't maTTER IN THIS CIRCUMSTANCE, GOD, HANBIN, GET WITH THE PROGRAMME-"

So after a while of comforting Jinhwan, convincing him that it was all okay, and making sure his emotions were back intact, he could finally escape. He didn't realise just how much he never left his dorm until then because it was kind of strange to go on a bus and see unfamiliar civilisation and feel things like _wind._ The horror.

Hanbin knocked on the door, annoyed at the fact that he felt just as nervous as last time. But why was he? He knew how surprisingly sweet Jiwon was now so— _holy sugar, I've already knocked._

Not much time passed before a lock clicked and the door was thrown open, revealing a grinning Jiwon and it really gave Hanbin a sense of deja vu. Gosh, this was really odd. "Hanbinnie!"

Hanbin shrunk back a little at the nickname. "Uh-"

"Hey, come in, I just need to finish up a phone call."

"Oh, sure."

Then Jiwon was swaggering off, bringing his phone that Hanbin hadn't even noticed to his ear while muttering a soft, "It's odd that you're calling me, anything wrong?"

Hanbin decided to stop himself from eavesdropping, walking into the apartment and closing the door quietly behind him. He had no idea where to go or stay so he took steps at the speed of a snail, trying to not get too far but still be moving and he probably looked ultimately ridiculous, but that wasn't out of the ordinary.

 _Nice kitchen,_ Hanbin thought fleetingly as he looked to the right. It was small and a little bit messy but it seemed pretty embellished. But he didn't have much more time to think about it when he was suddenly spun around and trapped between the kitchen counter and a smirking, too close Jiwon. "Hey."

Hanbin gulped, his mind screaming, _Boundaries, boundaries, Hanbin, maKE SOME BOUNDARIES RIGHT NOW, DUDE—_ "Hi, hyung..."

_For God's sake, you didn't even try._

"How's your day been?"

"Good, I think," Hanbin answered as curtly as he could, feeling shaky. "You?"

"If I was being straightforward, it was meh. But if I wanted to be cliché and all sappy-" Jiwon finally released Hanbin from the trap and tapped the underside of the latter's chin. "-it's better now."

Hanbin looked so utterly horrified by those words that Jiwon almost threw himself onto the ground in laughter until he noticed the bag hanging off Hanbin's shoulder. "What...is that?"

"Oh God no, it's another wallet situation-"

"No, no! I'm just confused."

"Well, this is a lesson, right?" Hanbin shrugged his bag off of his shoulder and zipped it open to show...exercise books and a pencil case. Just like what you'd take to school. "I need to take notes, don't I?"

Jiwon actually seemed at a loss for words, blinking for quite a while as Hanbin just stared back at him in confusion as to why Jiwon seemed confused and there was a whole lot of confusion going on until Jiwon finally said, "Wha—doll, these lessons are gonna be pretty active, I don't really think you'll get a... _chance_ to make any notes."

Hanbin furrowed his eyebrows, feeling even more lost but Jiwon's mind seemed to actually be working for once as he yelped, "Wait! When the lesson's done, I'll...order takeout for us to eat and, and, then while we're waiting for it, you can write notes and I'll help if you can't remember stuff even though I probably won't remember much though I'll try and _wow_ we should really start that lesson, huh?!"

Hanbin crossed his arms and leant back against the counter, looking at Jiwon like he was somewhat inspecting him. The latter swallowed and hung his head, taking hold of Hanbin's arm to take him to his bedroom while muttering, "Sorry."

"Shut up, it's cute," Hanbin murmured almost inaudibly and Jiwon felt his heart skip a beat—and it was a strange feeling. He wasn't sure if he liked it.

But he tried his best to forget about it.

 


	9. goosebumps

 

Hanbin was sat cross-legged on Jiwon's bed, yelling at Junhoe on the group chat to calm down because that amount of caps locks was just _despicable_ , but then Jinhwan for some reason joined the younger and they were all yelling, it was a mess, and Hanbin gave up.

Jiwon had only slipped out for a moment to get something and Hanbin straightened up the instant the elder walked in, typing something on his phone and Hanbin was about to say something before his own phone buzzed.

**stupidkimbab**   
_guys shut up no-one likes you_

**bringingthesexy**   
_exCUSE YOU YOUNG MISTER_

**bringingthesexy**   
_WHO ASKED YOU EXACTLY??_

**stupidkimbab**   
_this a group chat and I can say whatever the hell I want_

**ipollutethyear**   
_wait who added you?_

**stupidkimbab**   
_I don't actually k_

**binforthewin**   
_mE and I'm so happy the caps have stopped_

**ipollutethyear**   
_oHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH REALLY NOW_

**bringingthesexy**   
_yeS KOOJUNHOE YOU DA BEST_

**ipollutethyear**   
_aw thanksh_

**binforthewin**   
_oh god, I'm so glad you guys don't really know each other in real life_

**binforthewin**   
_you two together...*shivers*_

**bringingthesexy**   
_is that...a cHaLlEnGe?_

**stupidkimbab**   
_bin let's leave this it's dumb_

**ipollutethyear**   
_yoU'RE DUMB_

**ipollutethyear**   
_I'm sorry_

**ipollutethyear**   
_I didn't mean that_

**ipollutethyear**   
_you're cool and stuff_

**stupidkimbab**   
_aw love you too boo_

**binforthewin**   
_this is such a mess I'm gone_

"So, let's forget about all of that," Jiwon suggested as he threw his phone somewhere probably not preferable and sat on his bed next to Hanbin who suppressed a snort. "Sure."

"Don't take this question oddly, but would you rather start off learning about the _actual_ kissing or the foreplay? Or, I-I mean the foreplay to kissing."

"Oh God, we're getting straight into it just like that?" Hanbin asked a little frantically, eyes wide and Jiwon blinked, suddenly questioning everything.

"Wait, but how else am I supposed to do it-"

"I don't know, maybe an introduction or a contents list-"

"How much do you want from me?!" Jiwon asked in disbelief and Hanbin made some sort of confused shrug, saying just as worriedly, "I don't know what I was expecting but now it just seems too _real-_ "

"Alright, you want an introduction?" Jiwon asked with narrowed eyes, getting up and Hanbin tried his best to stop him, saying, "Wait, no, don't you _dare_ take that as a challenge-"

"Then I'll _give_ you an introduction."

"I really need to start watching my mouth..."

Jiwon held his arms out and spun around, ending up with messy hair and a toothy grin which made Hanbin have to cover his mouth which had smiled too easily, before saying in a typical show host's voice, "Kim Hanbin, I welcome you to the prestigious Kissing 101 and I, Sir Kim Jiwon, will be your teacher for the rest of the semester or however the fuck long we pursue-"

"Teachers don't swear, hyung," Hanbin whisper-called but Jiwon only waved his hand, continuing with his oh-so-fabulous intro by pointing a finger sharply at Hanbin.

"With me as your mentor, you will be able to unveil a whole new world when you can make art with your lips and seduce anyone with a breath!"

"Agh, it's getting weird..."

Jiwon suddenly pulled Hanbin to his feet, spinning the younger around and pointing at the window. "Do you see that sunset over there?"

Hanbin blinked, slightly mesmerised for the time being. "Woah...yeah, it's-"

"Well, this exclusive, once-in-a-lifetime experience will be even more beautiful than that could ever be!" Jiwon announced (Hanbin thought that he sounded a little bit like a foghorn right then), waving his hands wildly for a moment before he spun Hanbin back around and the latter felt a little dizzy. 

"Wooo, sun be...pretty-"

"Soon you'll have the confidence of a tiger," Jiwon continued, pulling Hanbin into him at the last word and smirking at his flustered reaction.

"And you'll be as smooth as a snake." Jiwon took the opportunity to casually take Hanbin's hand, his movements like flowing water as he laid a soft kiss on it and oh lord, Hanbin had never signed up for this. What if he honestly died from a heart attack, what would Jiwon do then?!

"And you'll be able to take anyone's breath away," was what Jiwon finished on, his voice taking a soft tone as his hand followed Hanbin's jawline for a moment and while the latter was barely keeping his eyes open since he was too scared and excited and conflicted about what would come next—Jiwon simply took a step back, letting go of Hanbin before sweeping into a low bow. "I hope you enjoy my class, young one."

Hanbin, even though he felt very lost and his heart was beating at a million miles per hour, couldn't think of anything else to do but clap and the instant he did, Jiwon's cool demeanour shattered and he was beaming like the happiest bunny. "Thank you, thank you, it's deeply appreciated."

"I...am..." Hanbin found it kind of hard to find a suitable word since he was still a little bit shaken. "...flabbergasted."

Jiwon sent Hanbin a wink, leaning against the wall behind him like he _knew_ he had done something iconic. "Thought you would be. Kim Jiwon never disappoints."

~~~

"So, kissing or foreplay? I mean, foreplay to the _kissing_ , God, I really need to keep remembering to say that."

"What would foreplay be?" Hanbin asked in confusion. "What actually comes before kissing and all that?"

Jiwon's eyes lit up after he heard that even though he tried to keep himself at bay. "Wow, foreplay it is, then. It's just pretty much the art of seducing where you can prepare the other person a little bit and tease them and basically make them less likely to slap you when you kiss them." Jiwon winced. "That kind of thing really hurts..."

Hanbin looked taken enough by it, eyes wide as he thought over everything Jiwon had said. "Seducing..."

"So no actual kissing just yet."

"Ooh."

"It's always nice to try and mesmerise them..." Jiwon murmured as he ran his fingertips up Hanbin's neck, brushing over his Adam's apple before reaching his jaw and Hanbin subconsciously moved his head up, not quite sure what was taking over him. And then Jiwon's entire hand clasped Hanbin's chin as he said, "Stand up."

"Why?" Hanbin asked weakly even though he stood up immediately, letting Jiwon guide him before he was suddenly pinned to the wall and all the breath in him seemed to get knocked out. "What the-"

"First, it's good to have a surface—walls are your best bet. Trees can work too sometimes, it just all builds you up to seem more...dominant. More sure of what you're doing."

"Right," Hanbin muttered, his mind mentally recording that and Jiwon grinned. 

"Time for point two."

In no time, Jiwon was so near that their foreheads touched and before Hanbin could back the truck up and run away, Jiwon had hooked two fingers through Hanbin's belt loops on his jeans and pulled back so the younger collided gently into his chest which made him let out a small, surprised 'oof'. A smile painted Jiwon's lips as he didn't need to crane his neck very far to say in Hanbin's ear, "Try and get as close as you can. Make them see you, feel you, _want_ you."

"So you think this is making me want you?" Hanbin snorted with a raised eyebrow but he couldn't quite meet Jiwon's eyes, still trying to deal with everything going on. Jiwon simply smirked as he pulled back a bit which basically forced Hanbin to look at him and _oh gosh, why is the guy so hot, this isn't fair at **all** —_

"Don't think I could answer that question."

"Oh, you could, trust me," Hanbin muttered under his breath as he flattened himself against the wall and looked up at Jiwon, melting under the heat between them as he muttered, "Is there anything else?"

"Oh, we're just getting started," Jiwon said like it was a common fact and Hanbin almost choked.

"But I can't—I mean...agh, who cares, just keep going."

Jiwon offered Hanbin a reassuring smile and the whole scene turned somewhat soft and sweet for a single moment, like the kind of thing you'd catch in sappy movies where the two mains stare at each other and rose petals swirl around and the most lovey-dovey music comes on. But it all died in a split-second as Jiwon cleared his throat and hummed, "Point three?"

"Point three."

"To really sell it, a nice touch is to _do something with your voice,_ " Jiwon murmured and Hanbin felt shivers race through him as the former's voice turned hushed and even more husky than usual, so sensual and seductive that anyone who was _anyone_ would fall under this sort of spell that Jiwon was casting.

Was he just born with these skills or...?

"Lower it, make it quieter in the way that more breath is coming out than sound." And damn straight because Hanbin could feel Jiwon's breath disperse to his neck which was no doubt burning red. "Make it husky, raspy but with a soft touch, and pairing that voice with dirty talk is a killer."

"You're talking like you're about to eat me," Hanbin gulped, keeping his head down but Jiwon was right near his ear again which was a place he loved to be, whispering saccharine-sweetly, "Oh, you don't know how much I'd love to do that..."

"A-Ah, is that what dirty talk is?"

"I guess so. You want to use words that'll rile them up and tease them so that they turn into putty in your hands—if you want that to happen."

"Oh my God, there's so much _stuff._ "

"Mhm. Ah, also!" Jiwon tapped Hanbin's lips lightly with one finger and the younger almost punched him on reflex. "Use your lips as much as possible, but without really kissing the person."

Hanbin scrunched up his nose just as his hand curled into Jiwon's shirt to keep himself a little more grounded. "How's that supposed to work? What, should I bite or something?"

"Ooh, I really can't wait to teach you all about lovebites," Jiwon smirked as he dragged a thumb up and down the side of Hanbin's neck, a glint of mischief in his eyes. "I'll try my best not to make you faint, but no promises."

Hanbin had never been more scared of a person than right then.

"What I was talking about before was...this..." Jiwon said the last word with his lips hovering right over Hanbin's exposed neck, ghosting upwards and it was honestly putting both of them through so much torture (what with fire roaring and goosebumps littering on what seemed like every inch of Hanbin's body, and how Jiwon was trying so hard to restrain himself from going further), until finally Jiwon reached Hanbin's ear and kissed it lightly before whispering lowly, "How'd you like that, doll?"

Hanbin whimpered in reply before he instantly slapped a hand over his mouth, wondering what the _heck_ had just come out of him. It made the lust clouding Jiwon's eyes mist into fondness as he pulled Hanbin's hand away and asked softly, in a less sensual voice than before, "Can I?"

Hanbin wasn't sure how, but he knew what Jiwon was talking about before he had properly even realised. "Sure."

Then Jiwon kissed him, a gentle peck that lasted a second and Hanbin couldn't help but screw his eyes shut which let Jiwon pull back and _really_ look at the boy trapped in between him and the wall and dear lord, he was beautiful. A slight sheen of sweat was making him glow, seeming almost ethereal, and his lips were parted and slightly red and wet from the peck. Agh, it would have been _so_ easy for Jiwon to kiss him again because honestly, Hanbin already looked delectably fucked out and it was the hottest thing alive.

Wow. _Jiwon_ had done that, by barely even doing anything. This was really doing something good for Jiwon's ego.

"Well, class dismissed, time to get some p-p-p-p-pizza!" Jiwon cheered as he bounded off, out of the room in no time. He hoped that Hanbin was okay and not too traumatised—when in all reality, the Hanbin in particular had just thrown himself onto the bed.

"That was so weird," Hanbin whined quietly, his face smushed against the duvet. "And nice. Kinda. Oh, did I like it, you ask? Well...yeah but so what, now I'm all sweaty because that was fricking nerVE-wrecking and my body's all tingly so _hey_ , maybe I'm dying from something! Won't that be just super..."

"Who the heck is he talking to?" Hanbin heard Jiwon say distantly from some part of the house and he instantly fell quiet. But it was okay.

He could always talk to thin air about his hot-boy-who-knows-it induced traumas another time.

———————

**\- one step closer to making jinhwan hyung mine! I also gotta make my heart stop fluttering around jiwon hyung but I'll work on that later—he's oddly incredible and I really hope he knows that just as much as he knows he's sexy (which is a lOT) — Hanbin**

**\- fuck everything, I've gone almost half a year without kissing anyone and then an adorable prince has gotta come along. freaking hell...don't tell him I said this but jinhwan doesn't know what he's missing out on. hopefully my doll will make him realise soon — Jiwon**

 


	10. witchcraft

It was a nice, calm atmosphere when it came to Hanbin writing his notes, sitting at the kitchen counter while Jiwon leant against his stove as they waited for the pizza. Though Jiwon's panicking mind suddenly broke the nice aura, but you couldn't blame the guy.

"Wait, did you even want pizza?"

Hanbin raised his head for the first time in a while and simply shrugged. "I don't mind, hyung."

Jiwon's eyes widened. "Wait, does that actually mean no but disguised because you can't _do_ this to me, Hanbin, I _stress-_ "

"Hey, I really like pizza, okay?"

Jiwon scrutinised Hanbin for a little while longer, furrowing his eyebrows in thought before nodding, somewhat satisfied. "I'll believe you now but it aaaaall comes down to when it gets here."

"I'm starting to think that _you_ don't like pizza and you suddenly realised so you're making excuses."

Jiwon's eyes widened, spluttering out nonsense objections for a moment before he sighed and took a seat next to Hanbin, their shoulders brushing. "That is _such_ a lie, pizza is my life."

"Alright."

Hanbin yelped when Jiwon punched his shoulder. "Ow, why would you-"

"Stop sounding so condescending! It may not seem like it but I'm a very insecure human-"

"Don't care," Hanbin cut in as he went back to writing his notes with a small smile and Jiwon stared at him with an open mouth, so completely offended that he was speechless. But it was soon clear that Hanbin was far more focused on what he was writing so Jiwon gave up, simply leaning to the side to catch a look and he blinked. "God _damn_ , you're actually kind of a good drawer. Is that me?"

"Yep," Hanbin replied with a grin, reaching for his rubber. "It's kind of easy since...um...I've got a good memory and you _were_ super close to me for quite a while."

And they both realised that that was the case once again since Jiwon had dropped his chin onto Hanbin's shoulder to see the book. They both froze, having no idea what to do before Hanbin suddenly said, "I need to go to the toilet."

"Right, me too! I mean, no, not me too but...agh, it's just on the right."

"Thanks," Hanbin replied with the brightest smile he could muster, hopping up from his seat before looking around a few times too many in confusion. "Um...on the right where?"

"Just go straight then turn."

"Which way's straight?" Hanbin asked with furrowed eyebrows, slowly turning in a circle and Jiwon was about to fruitlessly answer before he let out a sigh, realising that it would probably be hopeless.

"I'll show you, don't worry..."

"No wait, I can figure it out-"

"Look, you'll wet yourself by the time you do that, just come," Jiwon snorted as he went and tugged on Hanbin's arm, half dragging the boy who frowned, feeling rather offended as he muttered, "I have pretty good bladder control..."

~~~

"Yo, pizza's here!" Jiwon yelled just as he slammed the door shut after retrieving the food, having muttered a smiley thank you to the delivery guy while giving him too much money but the door was closed before the guy could object. "It's been like six minutes, you haven't run away, have you? That'll take a knock to my ego..."

"Nope, I just take a lot of pride in my handcare ritual," Hanbin said mock-haughtily as he walked back into the room swiping his hands against each other. Jiwon snorted, smiling before he wondered how he had got so fond of someone so quickly. "You judging me?"

"Always."

"HeY-"

"So I got two pizzas which may have been too much now that I'm looking at it but I hope you like the flavours which I can't remember I ordered," Jiwon said solely to change the subject, setting the pizza boxes on the counter before taking a seat, sighing in maybe-but-not-really-exaggerated, blissful anticipation. He hadn't had pizza in like...two days.

That was _ages._

But before he could even open a box, two arms wrapped around him from behind and pulled him back into a hard chest and Jiwon had no idea how to react, the complete human equivalent of buffering internet. And then a lithe hand reached out towards Jiwon's jaw and tilted the guy's head back so Hanbin could easily whisper in Jiwon's ear, "If there was no food, I know what I could eat."

"O-Oh," Jiwon gulped, feeling so flustered and squirmish as Hanbin's mouth stayed near Jiwon's ear and his hand tapped lightly on the elder's torso, making Jiwon's hairs stand on their ends a little. "That's...oh."

"I'm sure you'd be delicious," Hanbin whispered, his voice growing breathy and Jiwon had to clench his fists to not make an embarrassing moan slip out in any way, shape or form. But then Hanbin pressed a soft kiss to Jiwon's neck and it got too much.

"Stop being so hot before I kiss you senseless," Jiwon murmured in a raspy voice, spinning around in his chair and Hanbin's hand didn't move, only trailing lightly along Jiwon's abs underneath his shirt which made the elder's breath hitch. The younger smirked, raising an eyebrow as he asked, "Is that what you call a punishment?"

Jiwon growled lowly before pulling Hanbin by the collar into a crashing wave of a kiss. Hanbin made a surprised noise at the suddenness and curled his hands into Jiwon's shirt, and Jiwon could've taken the opportunity to take the kiss to the next level with tongue but he decided not to, only biting Hanbin's lower lip slowly which drew a shaky moan out of the younger.

"You really suck at kissing but you're so gorgeous that I don't care," Jiwon laughed breathily once the kiss was broken, brushing Hanbin's hair out of his face as he regarded the kid's flushed, lost face. "...sorry. That I did that."

"Oh, don't be, just goes to show that I did well," Hanbin replied, sending Jiwon a beam and Jiwon smiled even bigger, settling an arm around Hanbin's waist.

"Hell yeah you did. You learn fast, doll."

"Just thought that some practice might fare well," Hanbin said with a turned up nose, his mock-haughty aura back as he sank gracefully into the other seat and Jiwon laughed, leaning against Hanbin's side.

He suddenly wasn't all that hungry anymore.

Witchcraft.

 


	11. frosting

The next morning wasn't really anything out of the ordinary, and Hanbin could have almost forgotten that he had got the hottest experience of his _life_ the night before.

Almost.

"Is today tomorrow?" Jinhwan muttered in weak confusion, standing right in the middle of the apartment with messy hair, dishevelled clothes, a mug in his hand, and he didn't look like he was moving anytime soon. "Because Dad told me that tomorrow actually doesn't exist when you think about it...totally killed Annie for me."

"I don't know who you're talking to but let me fill the slot," Hanbin said as he walked out of the bathroom, wisps of steam still rolling out of it as he slung an arm around the elder's shoulders. Jinhwan smiled at him sleepily before looking down at his mug and furrowing his eyebrows.

"I don't think I ever filled this up with anything..."

"Ah, explains why you don't look like your normal caffeinated self then," Hanbin snorted, gently pulling the cup out of Jinhwan's hands and ruffling the guy's hair before taking his leave. Jinhwan frowned before taking a swipe at Hanbin a full five seconds after the latter had walked off.

"I am _not_ a dog..."

"How can I tell? You're as cute as one," Hanbin muttered as he focused on turning on the coffee machine, easily dodging the pen that Jinhwan had thrown at him. See, _this_ was why they were always running out of pens and had to race to the uni's library through the rain to become civilised again. "Milk, right?"

"Why are you asking when you already know?"

"Right, right...I'll take that as a yes."

Jinhwan nodded in satisfaction before running a hand through his hair, shuffling to the kitchen in his worn-out slippers that he wouldn't dare throw out. They had bears on them, just like Jinhwan's pyjamas that he barely even wore but when he did, Hanbin would always pretend to be one and 'attack' the elder from behind when it was just a really huge back hug. But it would get a giggle out of Jinhwan which always left a warm, fuzzy feeling in Hanbin.

Something even fuzzier than bears.

And Hanbin really needed to start getting this whipped culture out of his system.

"Here ya go, hyung," Hanbin said, sending a fond grin Jinhwan's way as the elder made grabby hands for the cup.

" _Gimmeee-_ "

"I mean, I'm _trying_ but-"

Jinhwan snatched the mug and brought it to his nose to inhale it, sighing in relief. "I feel myself getting rejuvenated already..."

"I still haven't gotten in on this coffee hype. The drink just plain sucks," Hanbin said very stupidly, wishing he hadn't once Jinhwan sent him a piercing death glare over the rim of his mug. "I-I mean, what about hot chocolate or tea? Those are the two golden things to choose from that actually taste _good._ "

"Wow. Those were the most uncivilised words I've ever heard come out of someone's mouth, and I've talked to Koo Junhoe before," Jinhwan said with a wrinkled nose, throwing Hanbin a look as he chugged his coffee down in one go out of spite. The younger was grossed out for a second (even though he wholly agreed with the Junhoe being uncivilised thing) before he saw Jinhwan resurface looking like he had made the worst decision of his entire life. "O-Okay, maybe that... _wasn't_ such a good idea..."

Jinhwan covered his mouth and instantly ran to the bathroom, making Hanbin burst into laughter as he followed the elder nonchalantly, singing, " _Told ya coffee suuuucks-_ "

Jinhwan made some whiny noises as he slammed the door shut and Hanbin snickered, waiting outside as he took a sip of his own cup of tea and grinned, feeling triumphant that he wasn't the stupid one this time around.

But he'd always be stupid for Jinhwan, so his thoughts were invalid either way.

~~~

When Hanbin saw Jiwon sitting under a tree, legs stretched out with headphones and books scattered around him, he knew exactly what he had to do without even thinking. In a mere few moments, he was sweeping into the spot next to Jiwon with a flower that he had picked from the nearest bush and a stupid grin on his face. "Hey, hyung."

"Jesus freaking _Christ_ —dude!" Jiwon yelped, scrambling back a little before getting confused over the fact that the first thing he saw was a flower that was far too close to him. "You _cheesy_ thing."

"Eh, I tried," Hanbin shrugged, throwing the flower away before leaning right into Jiwon's space to get a look at what he was writing. Jiwon frowned, wondering if the guy was usually like this as he pushed Hanbin away by his chest.

"What are you doing?"

"Being nosy, what 'bout you?"

"That's not going to work."

"Still tried. See, nothing ever works out for me when I try and I'm starting to question why I do."

Jiwon couldn't help but smile at that but he brought his hoodie up to hide it a little. He wasn't really in the mood to be his usual self, because even _he_ couldn't be happy one hundred percent of the time. Maybe ninety at the most, but the other ten had to be filled with something else or he wouldn't even be human anymore, and being a homo sapien was something he very much prided himself on. Or he would, if he ever actually thought about it in particular.

"So why have you ambushed me?"

"Well, if you didn't want me to then you probably shouldn't have looked so lonely," Hanbin replied defensively and Jiwon sighed, shaking his head as he muttered, "Don't take it like that, I've got nothing against you...and I'm _not_ lonely."

Jiwon picked up his maths textbook and hugged it close to his chest, gesturing wildly to his other books. "This is the best company ever, stop dissing my friends."

"What was that, Algebra?" Hanbin gasped, bringing an algebra book up to his ear. "Are you telling me that you've actually never liked Jiwon? And he eats like a pig? And he...wow, hyung, Algebra _really_ has some pent-up feelings about you-"

Jiwon narrowed his eyes, snatching the book from Hanbin. "I don't appreciate this, stop making my best friends turn on me."

"You're just sounding depressing at this point."

"I know..."

Hanbin grinned, patting Jiwon's thigh reassuringly as he tried to lean back just like Jiwon was but he underestimated just how thick the tree was and in seconds, he was groaning in pain as his back hit the ground and the sun pierced his eyes in the meanest way possible. "Ow...why does this always happen...even though this has never happened to me before..."

But soon something was thankfully blocking the sun, and Hanbin looked up only to see Jiwon staring down at him with a toothy grin. "You look cute when you're all squinty."

"Oh, you'd be a _terrible_ boyfriend," Hanbin grumbled, trying to kick Jiwon and the elder burst into laughter as he moved out of the way and Hanbin panicked, flailing his arms about. "Wait, come back, you were my only protection from the sun being a bully!"

"You could always actually _get up_ , you know?" Jiwon said with a raised eyebrow but he moved his head back, seeming much closer than before. His hair flew in the wind and Hanbin wanted to reach out and touch it, suddenly feeling the urge to ask him when he decided to grow it out and then engage in conversation for hours on end because he wanted to do that. He wanted to know what Jiwon's favourite colour was, and why his pronunciation was off sometimes, and why he had the cutest smile that hurt Hanbin's heart everytime he saw it.

Maybe the last one was too much.

"But that's too much...effort," Hanbin murmured, a little distracted and Jiwon tilted his head, feeling worried that Hanbin might have hurt himself more than he thought.

"You alright there, doll?"

"Just peachy."

"Are you sure? If you want I can help you up, I wouldn't want a gem like you hurting-"

" _Hyung-_ "

"Though gems aren't supposed to hurt, but I guess this is an exception 'cause I'm doing that personification thing where a thing is like—no wait, was what I did a metaphor? Or _both?!_ Oh my God, where's a Junhoe when you need one, he'd know. I'm too dumb for this but you get me, right? Please answer unless you're too in pain to which is _terrifying-_ "

Hanbin reached out for Jiwon's collar and yanked it down, making Jiwon yelp as he fell onto Hanbin but before he could question anything, the rest of his words vanished as his lips were taken. And he needed those to speak so why- _w-wow, he tastes like chocolate..._

And then Jiwon was lost in less than a second, lost in the soft, tentative lips against his that were far too addicting and other small things, like how their chests were pressed together and how Hanbin's hand had crept up his neck to tangle itself up in Jiwon's hair. It just made him want more as he pressed deeper, gentle with intensity barely breaking through as Jiwon tried his best to hold back, already feeling dazed by the sole fact that Hanbin was kissing him back and they were so close to each other. _So_ close.

And maybe this was affecting him so much because he had barely got any action for a _long_ while before Hanbin, but Jiwon liked to think of it more like the boy underneath him was just dizzyingly adorable.

But then the 'dizzyingly adorable' boy threw him fiercely to the side and Jiwon was left questioning his thoughts.

"Hey, nothing to see hereeee," Hanbin muttered under his breath as he propped himself up on one elbow and waved to a passing group of people, scared since they looked shocked but that was only because _Kim Hanbin_ was waving to them. "Yep, that's right, you better leave...keep leaving...please leave faster, that'd be nice...oh my God, move those legs-"

"Why'd you have to do that?" Jiwon whined childishly, sounding more sad than in pain as he rolled over to face Hanbin with a frown. Though, he almost lost it right then and there when he saw just how red Hanbin's lips looked. "I get that you wanted to shut me up but you shouldn't have kissed me in the first place if you'd just throw me away like _trash._ "

"There were people! I was trying to save you and your reformation thing!"

"I don't care, I wanted to-" _Keep kissing you forever-_ "Never mind..."

"I'm sorry, hyung," Hanbin sighed, feeling a bit ashamed of himself for beginning the kiss in the first place. He was just too charmed by Jiwon's rambling and not to mention his _face_. God, the guy was a beaut and Hanbin was weak for it. For all of Jiwon, really. He still wanted to find out his favourite colour.

Jiwon just shrugged as a reply in the end before rolling a bit closer until he had to stop, because him and Hanbin's noses were almost touching. And barely a second passed before Hanbin blurted out, "Can we have another lesson tonight?! Um...if you want to, I don't know..."

"Wow, I thought you'd never ask," Jiwon replied with a grin and Hanbin mirrored it which went straight to Jiwon's heart. He couldn't help but curse Jinhwan for being so lucky and blind for not seeing but _still_ getting this jewel that Jiwon wished he could have all to himself.

_I...what?_

That was probably the most selfish thing Jiwon had ever thought. Jinhwan was one of his best friends and Jiwon should kick himself a billion times for thinking that about Hanbin.

Him and Jinhwan would be perfect together...like...the two puppies that they were, two puppies that deserved each other.

"I think I've got to get going, it's frosting day and Junhoe bought red. That's my favourite colour," Jiwon said, smiling at the thought and not noticing Hanbin's look of happy realisation about the colour and also confusion about what on Earth 'frosting day' was.

"Wait, wait, you and Junhoe are _close?_ People always tell me the opposite?"

It was difficult for Jiwon to answer that for a multitude of reasons. It made him think about things that he didn't want to when people questioned him and Junhoe, so he usually kept their friendship on a down-low. "Um...yeah, his apartment is kind of like my second home...uh, he-"

"It's fine, I was just wondering since your eyes lit up when you were talking about him."

"I like him a lot but he's _difficult_ , I bet he won't even admit we're friends," Jiwon grumbled, getting onto his feet and kicking the ground. "But—enough about him. Even though I need to go, _to_ him, but whatever."

Hanbin frowned in thought, cocking his head to the side. "Is something going on between you two?"

"Other than awkwardness and confusion? Don't think so."

"Jinhwan-hyung's mentioned that once or twice. He talks a lot about Junhoe these days..."

"Well, don't let Junhoe steal his heart like he does to everyone else without even trying," Jiwon said cryptically before walking off without another word, not even a goodbye. And all of a sudden, Hanbin felt scared and he didn't like it one bit.

~~~

**you**   
_junhoe are you interested in hyung?_

**ipollutethyear**   
_um, I have a lot of hyungs, hyung. you gotta be more specific_

**you**   
_jinhwan_

**ipollutethyear**   
_uhhhhhhhh where did this come from?_

**you**   
_just answer me_

**ipollutethyear**   
_okay sorry i'm sorry_

 **ipollutethyear**   
_do you mean romantically? cause i don't really think so, i just wanna get more on being his friend cause he seems cool_

**you**   
_alright...i guess i believe you_

**ipollutethyear**   
_is this an overprotective best friend thing? don't worry hyung i'm not gonna ruin your 'little baby'_

**you**   
_shUT UP he's not my little baby_

**ipollutethyear**   
_lies but oh bobby-hyung's asking about you, idk why he'd do that but what should i say_

**you**   
_oh my god you little brat_

**ipollutethyear**   
_you're right i should just give him my phone_

**you**   
_wait what_

**ipollutethyear**   
_HANBINNNNNNNNNNN MA BOI_

**you**   
_oh lord the drastic change_

**you**   
_wait WAIT DONT'T SAY IT_

**ipollutethyear**   
_THE BEST BIN_

**you**   
_i said dO NOT_

**ipollutethyear**   
_IN THE WORLD_

**you**   
_you suck_

**ipollutethyear**   
_I'm also high on frosting_

 **ipollutethyear**   
_and Junhoe's trying to get the tub away from me_

 **ipollutethyear**   
_but I say nO sir nO_

**you**   
_i think you should stop hyung_

**ipollutethyear**   
_): okay_

 **ipollutethyear**   
_we still on for tonight? if you want to cancel then that's fine too_

**you**   
_if i wanted to cancel then i'd text you instead of junhoe??? and of course we're still on, i really can't wait_

**ipollutethyear**   
_aww babydoll me neither_

 **ipollutethyear**   
_lmao Junhoe just retched from where he's reading over my shoulder_

**you**   
_he'd retch if he knew what we were doing tonight_

**you**   
_waIT gosh is he still reading, help_

**ipollutethyear**   
_nope I sent him off but wOWie now it sounds like we're gonna have a one-night stand_

 **ipollutethyear**   
_I should probably shut up now, he's gonna read this isn't he_

**you**   
_fscsfehgl hyung_

**you**   
_see you tonight_

**ipollutethyear**   
_see ya, babe_

 


	12. clockwork

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just wanted to say a quick thank you for all of the comments. I'm really busy throughout the day, I only really use my free time to write so I'm sorry I don't reply but it makes me really happy to see you guys liking this story <3

**Lesson Three:** _Entry Kisses_  
**— notes:** _the kisses that start the whole thing off are always the hardest to get a hold of, I should know. A number of girls have gone off all irritated 'cause I got the entry kiss wrong, though it always went so much better for me with guys._

_Does that say something about me or nah...?_

_Nah. Maybe. I'm rather gay, that's pretty established, but I have no idea how much at this point. Is there even any straight left in me after crushing on a hot dude for an entire summer? Okay I really need to shut up, I thought I was **over** that already—_

_So I'll teach him how to begin it with style because his adorable kisses sadly need work. But of course, the baby cub always does end up a ruthless tiger, after all._

_Unless the tiger's friendly!_

_But grrRrr..._

_— Bobby_

—

Gay panic mode.

Gay panic mode was a terrifying thing.

Panic mode in itself was already scary enough. Panicking wasn't something a human was supposed to enjoy, since it was borne because of things that definitely _weren't_ enjoyable. Try nerve-wracking, stressful, shocking, confusing—all the bad emotions, never nice ones or sometimes, it was bad emotions that _stemmed_ from nice ones. Those were the most difficult to deal with.

Gay panic mode was something else.

It terrified Jiwon because it was something he related to more, and he thought it was his charm to be calm about his endeavours regarding his sexuality (even if he didn't really know what his own quite was) and (past) hook-ups. There were so many types of gay panic, like stuff that happened when you were still in the closet, and things to remind you that it was still hella difficult even if you had got _out_ of it.

Jiwon hated panicking.

"Bobby-hyung!"

All Jiwon could do when he opened the door was greet Hanbin with a dazed grin that was mostly real since gosh, Hanbin always made it a point to look delectable during their lessons (even when it was freezing cold outside, winter was really here already), but he could also use it for teasing purposes as he fanned himself and gasped, "Oh wow, a hottie on my doorstep?! What on earth did I do right in the..." He trailed off as Hanbin took a few bold step forwards and trailed a finger across Jiwon's jawline, agonisingly slow before he patted Jiwon's cheek.

"You seem in a better mood than earlier, if you're chucking a lame pick-up line at me," Hanbin said and Jiwon blinked, a little intimidated until the former gave him a shy smile and ducked under his arm to get inside the apartment. And Jiwon stayed where he was for a moment because he couldn't have helped but immediately assume that since Hanbin clearly hadn't done anything with anyone before him, he'd be innocent as hell.

But that was...slowly... _not_ seeming the case?

But pfft, what did Jiwon know? He'd never properly dated, never actually _focused_ on the person he was kissing before. And even if he had changed his ways now, that didn't make him more fit to judge what was out of his hands.

"I still can't help but wonder, how do you pay for this apartment? How'd you come across it in the first place, I mean, it's pretty out of the way from where my friends who don't live in the dorms are," Hanbin questioned, eyes sharp as they flitted around the place. He had been curious about it ever since the start which only grew when he settled his eyes on Jiwon whose face had lit up like a Christmas tree.

It was too cute. And Hanbin was a certified sucker when it came to 'cute'.

"Oh, oh, there's a whole story about it! It's so so cool and I-" Then Jiwon paused, raising a hand before lowering it, shaking his head as if he was trying to get his thoughts out of it. "Never mind, that's—that's not what we're here for."

"We've got hours, it's not like anyone would miss me."

"Isn't Jinhwan-hyung your roommate?"

"Yep."

"Poor you...why the heck did you fall for him again?"

Jiwon snickered at Hanbin's death glare, moving in close to rest his arms on the younger's sides, finally able to appreciate the view but that wasn't even all he was thinking about right then. He was enamoured by the red tint in Hanbin's cheeks and the tip of his nose from the cold, the baby blue scarf he had wound around his neck, the pink mittens on his hands that he was so desperately trying to hide in his coat pockets, and Jiwon suddenly felt an urge to be _domestic._

He wanted to kiss Hanbin on his red nose. He wanted to hold his hand. He wanted to wrap him up in a hug to warm him from the cold. So many things were running through Jiwon's mind and he knew exactly what was happening—he was _panicking._ His lonely, bachelor self was being invaded by thoughts that he had heard so much about from other cute couples or pining singles and all it had taken was a cute boy for him to spiral into gay panic but this time, _relationship_ mode. What was happening?

Jiwon didn't like this.

So yes, it was still better morals-wise than being a player.

But he didn't like this at all. And he could only hope that it was a one-off.

"Come on, let's go to my bedroom," Jiwon said quickly, holding out his arm like a weird reference for Hanbin as he walked off (he didn't know why he was doing that, it wasn't like Hanbin was a _dog_ ) but he really should have thought that through. Instead of thinking whatever the fuck Jiwon was thinking, Hanbin's eyes brightened as he took it as a chance to link arms with Jiwon and steal himself some body heat.

"Thanks, hyung."

Jiwon tensed a little, so off guard by the closeness and he was all too worried that the gay panic could make a comeback at any moment—and _wow_ , that sounded weird even as mere thoughts. But Hanbin would understand, wouldn't he?

This happened to every guy (the prefix for the panic mode could be changed according to sexualities, Jiwon felt the need to accept everything and everyone even though he couldn't breathe very well at that moment in time), right?

When people are given a sliver of opportunity, it's not like it's difficult for imagination to run wild...

"I'm actually quite excited," Hanbin said, grinning at Jiwon and it was like clockwork for Jiwon to smile back, noticing Hanbin's dimples for the first time and he was in awe. "I don't know why, but it's always something I'm not expecting...well of course it is, since I don't know how this stuff works."

"Well, we haven't got all the time in the world, cutie pie, so let's go," Jiwon said as he pulled Hanbin fast into the bedroom which made the younger yelp a little in surprise even though he was caught in no time. And it was these kinds of adorable things that brought gay panic around, and Jiwon knew that all too well.

But this time, he didn't let himself panic. He kissed Hanbin's forehead and just watched as the younger flushed a little red, not sure how to react and Jiwon almost laughed. This was enough, this was what he wanted.

Even if it wouldn't last.

~~~

"So, are we actually kissing today?" Hanbin asked straight out, because he wasn't sure how much of a filter he should have when he was attending _kissing classes._ But he felt relieved when Jiwon sent him a pleased grin, as if he approved of him being so outright.

"Afraid so," Jiwon replied as he looked over the note he had written before the lesson, like he did for each of them, and snorted. He didn't mean to go off on a tangent or even _think_ about his summer-romance-that-didn't-happen. No-one else knew about any of that (except for one person) so he should probably burn this book when the lessons were over.

"I have to ask, is that a problem?" Jiwon asked with a gleam in his eyes and Hanbin frowned, saying, "I mean, of course not, that's kind of what I'm here fo- oh, _oh_ , okay, you're just pulling my leg..."

Jiwon cackled in reply which made Hanbin feel the tiniest bit insecure because of his own stupidness, but he realised it wasn't that deep. And he was _definitely_ starting to forget about it when Jiwon sat on his bed and patted his thighs. "Come sit on my lap, anchovy boy."

"Please just let me forget about that already, oh my _God_ —and uh um, what did you—wha, hmm?" Hanbin hummed frantically while slowly backing up against the wall, throwing his arms out against it like he was about to be eaten alive. "Um...don't know about you but I think I'm good here, don't you? The blue hue of the wall really compliments my...shirt."

"Your shirt?"

"My shirt. And me. Me and my shirt. We're a package deal, you see."

"Oh _stop_ , I'll compliment you better than a stupid wall will, get over here," Jiwon grinned with no intention of backing down, making grabby hands at Hanbin and acting silly to try and ease the guy's nerves a little. Hanbin swallowed, slowly bringing his arms down before walking forward, pulling at his scarf so it came loose and into his hands. He fiddled with it the entire time he made his way to keep him distracted but Jiwon caught one of the ends at the last moment, pulling hard so Hanbin fell onto him (but Jiwon caught him as gently as he could so he wasn't a complete jerk). "There! You did it, I'm so so proud!"

"I _will_ choke you with this scarf if you ever do that again," Hanbin growled, sitting up and feeling the urge to hit Jiwon's smug face. He laid the scarf to the side and figured that he should go long if he was going to do this—in moments, he was wrapping his legs around Jiwon's waist and sliding his arms around his neck while ignoring the rapid drumming his heart was doing against his ribcage. But it was so worth it to see Jiwon lose his cool for a moment. "This good?"

"P-Perfect," Jiwon muttered distractedly, a little dazed before he quickly snapped out of it and rested his hands on Hanbin's hips. God, Hanbin might just have the best body proportions he'd ever seen..."Alright, doll, look at me?"

"I'm looking."

"What are you going to be thinking the first time you try and kiss someone?"

"I kissed you earlier."

"Yes you did, my baby student actually did something for himself," Jiwon mock-sobbed, feeling heartfelt and Hanbin grinned proudly, nodding in pleased confirmation. "But anyway, so, how did you feel when you did that?"

"I wasn't thinking much about anything. You just looked so pretty," Hanbin answered as honestly as he could, noticing Jiwon's expression both softening and turning shy at the same time. "And you were already so close, and I just felt like it was _right_ even though I couldn't and still can't kiss for the life of me. I hope it wasn't out of place, hyung, I just really-"

"It's cool," Jiwon interrupted since he wasn't sure if he could take much more—he was already floored when Hanbin called him, him as in _Kim Jiwon_ , pretty. Impossible. "I think I'll just give up on this question. But yeah, the topic today is the entry kiss. The kiss that kicks it off and will arguably be the scariest thing ever in your case."

"Oh, try me," Hanbin snorted, eyebrows raised as if he was daring Jiwon to doubt him again, and curse him if Jiwon tried to deny how hot that was.

"At first, a good thing to do is to be so close to them. So close to them that they can't see anything else so all of their focus is on _you,_ " Jiwon murmured, forgetting about everything else when he pulled Hanbin closer against him. The younger didn't protest except his hands around Jiwon's neck tensed and the latter smirked at that. "It's to put you in a good light, and make what you're about to do more real."

"Okay."

"Remember the last lesson? This is a good place to work some of that in. But while we're at this point..." Jiwon placed a hand lightly on Hanbin's cheek and pulled the boy's face closer, taken the instant he saw Hanbin lick his lips. He probably just did that out of nervousness! He didn't _mean_ to look sexy as hell, Jiwon knew that... "Let me give you some pointers."

"That sounds like a good idea," Hanbin whispered and Jiwon smiled a little. He found it sweet how driven Hanbin seemed to learn and it just soothed his heart, making him feel that much more affectionate as his other arm lightly squeezed Hanbin's waist.

"Tip One—it's a good idea to keep your hands doing something, maybe playing with their hair, caressing their face, running up their back, their sides?" Hanbin scrunched up his nose when Jiwon did all of those things to him as he spoke, pushing down his smile as far as he could but it just felt too _nice_ , to be treated like this.

"Two—take it slow so you don't give the wrong impression, but make sure that you don't look like you're hesitating. That's a huge no-no. Be gentle, but remember how much you want it."

Jiwon's hand left Hanbin's cheek then but he was surprised when one of Hanbin's hands from his neck trailed around and up until it rested just underneath Jiwon's jaw, his hold soft but firm. His thumb ran over Jiwon's jawline back and forth and the elder could barely make out Hanbin's bright grin. "This good?"

"You get cocky so quickly, I swear to God," Jiwon muttered while rolling his eyes but his voice had come out more breathy than either of them expected. "But yeah, it's good."

"I think I've got everything else on lock for now...what about the kiss?" Hanbin asked, not sounding impatient as much as plain anxious. His body was already heating up more than he was used to and Jiwon's hands liked to play around with him which _wasn't_ the most helpful thing for concentration.

"My first and foremost piece of advice—relax. That's the best thing to do to eliminate awkwardness, at the least." The look in Jiwon's eyes was what prepared Hanbin just a tiny bit when he leant forward and pressed his forehead against Hanbin's, his fierce act of keeping eye contact almost seeming like a challenge, and Hanbin was a _sucker_ for those. "Don't break eye contact, seem as confident as you can. And when your lips finally do meet...there's a chance that you'll know what to do. Just feel the other out, make sure your lips are a little parted and don't pull away too quickly. Maybe you'll want to move your lips against theirs or you can always save that for if you kiss again."

"It never seems that easy when we kiss," Hanbin pointed out with a frown and Jiwon snorted, amused that he'd mentioned that.

"I think that's because I always take lead and try to do more than I should. You'll be the one kissing me and I'll let you take control. You're the boss, beautiful."

"I like the sound of that," Hanbin murmured, pushing himself upwards while using Jiwon for leverage who looked up at him, just waiting patiently. He was more than ready for it when Hanbin leant down a little and pressed his lips against Jiwon's, soft as a feather. Jiwon sighed gently into Hanbin's mouth as he gripped onto the younger hard to stop himself from moving his lips, slipping his eyes shut.

There was nothing running through Hanbin's mind then, nothing like am _I doing this right?_ or _is this enough?_ He just focused, calmed by Jiwon's hand running up and down his back, and he pressed deeper as he grew dizzy for more. He didn't even break the kiss once when he pushed Jiwon back onto the bed, straddling him and smiling at the astounded noise that almost got stuck in Jiwon's throat.

"Woah, woah, _woah,_ " Jiwon yelped when they finally broke apart, both of them panting for breath but Hanbin was a little bit more intact as he smirked down at Jiwon.

"What's wrong, hyung?"

"Don't act all innocent with me, mister-" But Jiwon's word's melted into strangled nothings when Hanbin kissed him again, delicate, slow but every time it happened, it was just getting better and better. Jiwon groaned softly when Hanbin's hand curled into his shirt to pull them closer, so they could only get more tangled up in each other.

Hanbin felt giddy, stupidly so. A rush of helplessness had crashed into him without his consent, and he was just driven further when Jiwon's lips slowly parted his, swiping his tongue so gently across Hanbin's bottom lip before he pulled away, his head falling back against the bed as he drew a long, low sigh. Just seeing him like that, all laid-out, spent, _beautiful_ , it made Hanbin suddenly get the urge to kiss Jiwon all over, on his jaw, his neck, his arms, his cheeks—

"I hate you so much," Jiwon grumbled as he pulled Hanbin down to lie next to him, caging the boy in his arms but then Hanbin just _had_ to make it less threatening by cuddling into the elder's chest.

Jiwon was done. Just plain done.

"No, you don't," Hanbin chirped as he hid his burning face, squeezing Jiwon playfully. He still felt a little high, though he was sure Jiwon wasn't feeling the same way. But either way, that had been so amazing and he just didn't want the feeling to ever leave his mind. "You think I'm _dastardly_ adorable."

"Don't put words into my mouth 'cause I wouldn't call how you acted right then 'adorable'."

"Something just came over me, I'm sorry! I didn't _think_ it would happen..."

"Aw, no, c'mere," Jiwon cooed even though Hanbin was probably as close as he could be. He cupped Hanbin's face to make the boy look up at him and he looked so fucking _cute_ like that that Jiwon wanted to start all over and kiss him to the nines. "I need to tell you something."

"What?"

"Don't ever feel bad if the kiss doesn't turn out how you want to, okay? You don't need to be perfect, since you're already amazing, and if Jinhwan-hyung has the audacity to throw you away after one kiss then I'm gonna be having some words with him. And sandwiches."

Hanbin blinked, so immensely touched but confused. "Sandwiches?"

Jiwon narrowed his eyes, looking off into the distance. " _Knuckle_ sandwiches."

Hanbin grinned at him in reply and Jiwon noticed them again. Those darn dimples. Jiwon had never realised how much he loved those until he saw them on the gorgeous boy next to him, and they were just a tad bit enchanting.

Just a tad.

"You wanna order food and write your notes, doll?" Jiwon asked, hugging Hanbin to him tightly and he wasn't quite sure why. Neither of them knew, but Hanbin was loving it—being intimate was his comfort zone, something a lot of people didn't understand and he was okay with that. But _this_ , this was nice.

"I'm not that hungry," Hanbin mumbled, slowly closing his eyes but they immediately shot wide when he felt Jiwon nosing his neck, his hot breath fanning his skin. "B-But those notes won't write themselves! Gotta get them down while it's all still...fresh!"

"Okay, let's go then," Jiwon hummed, feeling very serene as he sat up and tugged on Hanbin to do the same. "Hanbin? Hanbin-ah? Bin? My favourite bin in the whole wide world?"

"Oh shush, I'm coming," Hanbin groaned, sending Jiwon a quick glare which only got a smug grin in response. But they met in the middle, with Jiwon's arm looping around Hanbin's waist, Hanbin's arm wrapping around Jiwon's shoulders, and they were off to the kitchen. Just like clockwork.

 _Jinhwan-hyung's a really... **really** lucky guy,_ Jiwon thought through slightly gritted teeth.

———————

**\- I was wondering why my feelings of getting all embarrassed and flustered weren't coming—they're only hitting me _now_. like gosh, what was I thinking, it's like I just pseudo-dominated the sex god of the school? at his apartment?! it's like everything goes out of my mind when it comes to jiwon-hyung sometimes—but I don't know. everything is so confusing, I just wanna go home so jinhwan-hyung can hug me — Hanbin**

**\- I haven't got much to say right now. all I've got is one question, one question that I wish someone could answer.**

**would I consider dating hanbin if he wasn't in love with jinhwan? - Jiwon**

 


	13. no filter

It's always hard to talk about something that you've tried to suppress for so long, something you've tried to hide from everyone. It's no question of whether you hid it well or not, it'll still be hard to finally speak about it when you've got so used to...not.

Jiwon had a lot of bottled up feelings. His fears about his future, how much he missed his family, the mess that came with Kim Hanbin, the shipwreck from his summer crush, and so much more because who could he tell? Sure, he regarded Donghyuk and Jinhwan, even Yunhyeong (even though he had been getting more distant lately) as best friends but none of them could ever know about his romance problems; and the other stuff, well...who wanted to hear that anyway?

He could always call up his ex-roommate, they used to vaguely talk about deep stuff since he was the only one who knew about the summer crush, but he was probably off on a cruise somewhere. _He's lucky that he's paying the rent or I'd curse that rich mothertrucker every—_ okay, this is a _very_ different story.

The truth of the matter was just that Jiwon was insensitive and closed-off. But he was so sick of being like this and getting nowhere.

Jiwon was in Junhoe's dorm on Saturday morning, using the younger's laptop since he didn't have one of his own. It was such a common occurrence now that Junhoe barely got freaked out if he saw Jiwon just nonchalantly sitting on the couch or anywhere.

"How...to...not get attached...in a casual relationship," Jiwon dictated quietly out loud as he typed it into the browser. Sure, what he and Hanbin had was a little bit more complicated than just a 'casual relationship' but still, it was close.

The more Jiwon read what the internet was telling him, the more he regretted doing this. They were telling him such _mean_ things, like 'make sure you both know that you're each other's last priority' and 'don't keep contact out of your arrangement.' In the end, Jiwon just closed the laptop out of frustration because he really didn't want to end up pulling his hair out over this.

Then he heard a cough, and Jiwon couldn't help but instantly grin.

"Junhoe, how long have you been there?" Jiwon asked without even turning around, waiting for Junhoe's reply and he wasn't disappointed.

"I am a tree. Junhoe is not of existence here. Do not look at me. I am a tree. A Junhoe-sounding tree. Trees can talk too."

Jiwon couldn't do anything but burst into cackles then, turning around and throwing a cushion at Junhoe's face which the younger fumbled to try and catch before he ended up punching it away and yelling, "Trees can also fight!"

Jiwon cheered loudly just to play along with Junhoe's morning absurdness (had the guy just woken up? it was almost noon...) and Junhoe nodded in approval as he jumped onto the sofa to sit next to Jiwon. "So..."

"Do you need the laptop or something? Is that why you're here?" Jiwon asked with narrowed eyes, suspicion in his tone but Junhoe quickly shook his head.

"No! Why are you accusing me, I'm trying to make small talk!"

"Why?"

Junhoe didn't answer for a while and Jiwon thought he had forgotten about the question before he said, "I think I should just go."

Jiwon instantly dissolved into laughter, punching Junhoe in the forearm who looked slightly confused but proud of himself. Jiwon always prided himself on being cool and chic in the face of the public so he really hated that Junhoe could make him laugh so easily; the guy was just hilarious in a very strange way. It was annoying, and Junhoe's pretty face wasn't enough compensation. Or at least Jiwon thought that.

"Okay, look at me, I need to ask you a question," Jiwon said and Junhoe perked up, turning alert even though his bed hair didn't.

"Really? Me?"

"Yes, you, who else is here?"

"But I'm only a Junhoe-sounding tr—okay, _okay_ , just ask me!" Junhoe whined, cowering back as Jiwon pummelled him with another cushion mercilessly. " _Stop_ it, I thought you were a justice for trees advocate-"

"Okay, I'm gonna go ahead now, you can keep being a weirdo. I just wanted to ask if you've had a crush on someone recently."

"I thought I did," Junhoe said bluntly which made Jiwon's eyes widen. "It only seemed logical, because every time I was around them, I clammed up a little. I still do sometimes. But they didn't seem like they'd ever be interested so I just told myself to _not_ have a crush on them. It kinda worked? I don't know, I haven't really thought about it since."

"Who in their right mind wouldn't be interested in you?" Jiwon asked, but he felt a little shaken after hearing all of that. It sounded just like what his own situation had been, where he had never asked his ex-crush out but he just _knew_ they wouldn't go for him even though he hadn't tried. But it took him much more than 'telling himself not to have a crush' to get over them.

It still hadn't completely gone, if he was being one hundred percent honest with himself. It seemed like there was just a small something that was stopping it.

"Well, ain't that a funny question...but it's probably for the best. When I try to think about what could've been, it's actually really hard to picture it," Junhoe shrugged before he smiled at Jiwon and Jiwon smiled back, hoping that Junhoe was actually feeling as cool about this topic as he was outwardly projecting. He felt oddly protective now, wanting to fight everything that came in the way of Junhoe getting his happy ending.

"Hey, I'm sorry for bringing this up."

"It's fine, you probably did it for a reason."

"I did."

"That's great."

They both sat in silence, not sure where to go next or if they even _should_ go anywhere and Junhoe was just about to leave before Jiwon piped up, "So, do you want to maybe... _know_ the reason?"

"That'd be great too!" Junhoe agreed quickly and Jiwon grinned at the enthusiastic reply—Junhoe could be sweet, sometimes. Or maybe sometimes was still a stretch.

"Okay, okay, so...I had a crush recently too. It was over the summer, so not too long ago at all, and I fell quite hard? So hard actually that I hated it, I wanted to tear my hair out every day and it was actually the main thing that made me stop my stupid playboy-ing. I started worrying, you know, because even though I _specifically_ made it very clear that I wasn't trying to get anyone to fall for me 'cause I'd just break their heart in the end, what if people _did_ fall for me as hard as I did for this one person? And then I just threw them to the curb, but not really 'cause I wasn't that mean..."

"You _were_ pretty bad, but people should have known your intentions. You weren't as bad as some, and now you're great."

Jiwon grinned happily, feeling lighter. "Thanks, Junhoe-yah. But this crush, it was doomed from the start and I knew it but it just started blooming anyway."

"You wanna tell me who it was, hyung? It's okay if you don't," Junhoe asked softly, sounding a little concerned and Jiwon froze, his lungs constricting a little so all he could do was frantically shake his head. Junhoe snorted, placing a hand on Jiwon's head to stop him. "Alright, okay, I get it. Keep going, then."

"Well, it started to leave eventually as I worked on it. I distanced myself from them even though I didn't really hang out with them in the first place but then I realised that was only making it _worse_ so then I started hanging out with them a lot more, because I hadn't been that close with them before. And then I started to see things that I hadn't seen before, like imperfections, all the things that made them _them._ "

"So you started seeing them more as a real person than just a crush that you had put on a pedestal," Junhoe evaluated and Jiwon's mouth dropped open when he heard it set out so comprehensibly.

"That's _exactly_ it—when the heck did you become such an intellectual?"

"Literature majors usually are, hyung, we're good at putting stuff into words. Besides, this kind of thing happened with my crush too so I've had a lot of time to think about it."

"We were both pining losers, weren't we?" Jiwon sighed and Junhoe smiled a little sadly, looking at Jiwon the entire time to try and gauge his thoughts, and other reasons.

"Hell yeah we were. But-"

"I think I might have a rebound crush on Hanbin," Jiwon blurted out before pulling the cushion away from Junhoe and stuffing it in his own face. Junhoe just let him with no fight, too shocked to even move for a second before he whisper-yelled, "Shut _up._ "

"I know!" Jiwon yelled back, more than a little muffled as he suffocated himself more. It only got worse when he heard how heated up Junhoe was getting over all of it - if there were no level-headed people here than how the hell was this supposed to work so they didn't both explode?!

"Hanbin? As in, Kim Hanbin? As in _my_ Hanbin? The one I know? The one I've been friends with since I was eleven? As in _KIM FLIPPING HANBIN-_ "

"Shut your mouth, don't make this harder!" Jiwon growled (but it came out way more whiny than he wanted) as he surged forwards and clamped a hand over Junhoe's mouth. The two stared at each other for a moment, Jiwon's look daring Junhoe to say another word while the younger only blinked a whole lot before he came to the conclusion of, "Your hand smells like lavender."

"What?"

"Lavender!"

"...calamari?"

Junhoe was about to try again before he shoved Jiwon's hand off and collapsed completely against the sofa. "I need some time to take this in...what do you mean by _rebound_ crush?"

"Just, I actually think I really like him but what if it's just me leeching off of someone after the summer crush? Not to mention the fact that nothing can _ever_ happen between us, so why am I like this?"

"What, why not?" Junhoe asked confusedly, raising his head. There was a shimmer of sadness in his eyes that Jiwon wasn't emotionally advanced enough to catch. "I mean okay, this is still hella weird to me and I can _not_ approve of it just yet but—it's not like there's something life-threatening keeping you guys apart. This isn't Romeo and Juliet...I hope?"

"No, it's just..." Jiwon let out a dramatic sigh before draping himself over Junhoe like he was a rich, dying bachelor and continuing, " _complicated._ "

Junhoe rolled his eyes. "Of course it is. Then just uncomplicate things!"

"And how do you suggest I do that?! It's really, really difficult to erase feelings when they're already there, I should know...but what if there _are_ no feelings? What if I just think he's cute?"

"Then you gotta find that out, hyung, gosh. And if he has a crush on someone _else_ and that's why you're so sure of rejection..." Junhoe grinned when Jiwon's eyes widened, showing that he was right on the money, "then you have three options. Back off and respect that he's psychologically taken, keep secretly pursuing him like a lovesick puppy, or show him why your stupid ass is better than some other guy's stupider ass!" Junhoe then coughed and bowed his head. "I'm sorry for calling you stupid, I'm just very heated right now and I hope you understand my trauma."

"What if...I'm still not over the other guy?" Jiwon asked hesitantly, leaning back and not meeting Junhoe's eyes. "What if he's still inhabiting my heart and he keeps paying rent so I can't kick him out? I'm just not sure anymore, and I don't like not being sure. It's scary."

Junhoe frowned, and even though it was a confusing sight to see his hyung so torn down and uncertain about something, he knew he had to help somehow. He was a sucky helper, and _such_ a sucky friend to Jiwon who probably thought that of him too, but he could try. "Give it time. That's all I can say. Love is hard, hyung, so don't try and complicate it more with all the useless 'if's and 'but's. If you think it's right to let go then, you know...allow your mind to let it go too."

"You, my friend, are actually kind of incredible," Jiwon concluded as his brain was finally able to make sense of things. He grinned when he saw Junhoe nod in agreement in the corner of his eye.

"I really am. I even surprise myself sometimes."

"That's understandable. You're very surprising."

"'Tis true."

"So...thank you. For this," Jiwon said a little shyly, not very used to saying those words since he wasn't really the type to accept help from anyone. Junhoe knew that for sure because he looked very frozen when Jiwon said that. "This was hella helpful. And maybe I'll still make the wrong decisions and continue ruining my life but you've helped me far more than you know, so thanks. For everything."

"I know I'm the least likely person for a talk like this but I did quite well, right?" Junhoe asked and Jiwon nodded. "So just tell me all of those feelings from now on, 'cause now I _know_ stuff so if you think about it, you can't exactly stop or switch me out. I can be your man on the inside, you get me?"

"Dude, you're not even a man, you're just a ki-"

"Fine, foghorn-man-hybrid thingamajig on the inside, whatever."

Jiwon snickered, cabbaging Junhoe's fist-bump and he didn't even feel any inner cringe over it. There was something about this all that comforted him immensely, more than hot chocolate and blankets would, maybe even more than a hug from his mother would because talking to _this one person_ in particular like this had not only secured his feelings and stopped his mind from being a mess, but it was the last step.

It was the last step Jiwon needed to finally get over Junhoe.

~~~

It was late afternoon when Hanbin found himself in the common room, cuddling a bag of marshmallows 'cause he didn't need no man, pfft. He felt all cosy, half-listening to what Jinhwan was talking about with small inputs of nods and hums every now and then. He wished the others were there too so they could have a huge, loud get-together and maybe he could swap out the marshmallows for Jiwon because he knew the guy was a good cuddler. Those ten seconds in his bed were _nowhere_ near enough, anyway.

"You know, Bin, I seriously thought that ice hockey was going somewhere until I got slammed into the side of the rink," Jinhwan said matter-of-factly, currently nursing a few fractured bones. Hanbin just wanted to tell him to _stop_ with all the sports, what was even the point? "It was literally a guy on my team who did it? Do I look like _that_ much of a target?"

Hanbin looked at Jinhwan with no sympathy and said a flat, "Yes."

Hanbin bore the marshmallow that was thrown at him because it was totally worth it.

"WELL, _WHAT_ DO WE HAVE HERE?!" a loud voice bellowed from the other side of the room, making Jinhwan nearly fall off of the couch but Hanbin was remarkably too calmed to feel scared, muttering, "The loud ones always have such bad timing."

Hanbin forced himself to wake up a little when he registered Jiwon jumping next to him which wasn't much of a surprise, but he was a little more shaken when he saw Junhoe go to where Jinhwan was and hesitantly sit down next to the elder, sending him a half-bow which had Jinhwan grinning. Hanbin wasn't sure if he'd ever seen Junhoe be in this room before...

(Junhoe had once said to him 'but I'm too uncommon to go to a common room, hyung' and Hanbin had face-palmed.)

"So what's the occasion, if you guys are joining us?" Hanbin asked curiously and Jiwon only shrugged.

"No occasion. I just wanted to come here and Junhoe was with me."

"I guess you guys actually _are_ close, huh..."

Jiwon looked at Junhoe and Jinhwan who surprisingly seemed to be immersed in some sort of conversation, and Hanbin was about to look too before he was suddenly pulled into a quick, warm kiss and the bag of marshmallows got sandwiched between their chests. Jiwon had already pulled away before Hanbin could even register it, his mind dizzied with stars. "W-What was...that for?"

"I wanted to," Jiwon mumbled, looking like he was reprimanding himself on the inside. "I'm sorry, I should've asked-"

"It's okay, it's fine, it was just all a little too...sudden? Public?"

Jiwon shrugged, smiling a little when he felt Hanbin slip a hand into his like it was such a normal thing. "I tried my best to be careful."

"Well, I guess I can't really complain...it's too nice that you're here, I don't want to fend you off so early." Hanbin brought their hands towards him and kissed Jiwon's a few more times than once, relishing in Jiwon squirming and trying to pull his arm back but the weakness in his tries clearly showed that he didn't mind it. "Besides, you actually got Junhoe out of his dingy dorm? I've never felt prouder."

Jiwon looked at Junhoe and caught his eye for a brief moment, both of them exchanging smiles and Jiwon had never felt more at ease.

"Well, I've got my powers."

 


	14. jester

**Lesson * :** _I'm just using this as a diary now, I don't care, don't @ me_

 **— notes:** _I'm wondering if I should stop this lesson stuff before we get ahead. What if I'm serious about the stuff I feel about Hanbin? What if I accidentally blurt out 'you're so beautiful, let's run off into the sunset together' in the middle of a kiss?_

_It was easier when I was crushing on Junhoe. He wasn't crushing on anyone else (I think) and the whole process was just me giving him heart eyes from afar, mostly because Junhoe would get the fuck out of a place once he saw the troll that was I. But I'm good, totally still not salty about that._

_I'll just have to push down all these confusing emotions. Maybe avoiding him completely for a while will be a good idea, no matter how much I don't want to do that._

_— Bobby_

—

"Junhoe, what's your type?"

"I seriously don't think I have one," Junhoe answered, sounding a little amused at the question even though he was struggling to open a bag of seaweed. "I've crushed on all types of people, lean and hot, tall and sweet, cute and confident, my most recent was actually somehow all _six_ of those, and I'd go for small guys too because I'd compensate for both of us. I tend to lean towards taller but you never really know."

"Okay, that was... _way_ more detailed than I needed," Hanbin replied with a slight grimace, taking Junhoe's seaweed and tearing it open in seconds. "Look, dude, there's a line right there. You're not supposed to _pull_ the thing."

"Why don't all bags open the same way? This is a darn democracy, when did I vote for this monstrosity?!"

"The way that sorta rhymed took away from the fact that you're a big old drama queen, but doesn't deplete it," Hanbin grinned, ignoring Junhoe's glare when he took a piece of seaweed.

"Well, you're a nerd."

"Yeah, true, but so are you."

Junhoe didn't answer and Hanbin snickered in triumph. Junhoe was kind of smart, but also so stupid sometimes that it was ridiculous; maybe that was just when it came to him and Hanbin arguing, but it was hilarious all the same. Maybe Hanbin teased him so hard that Junhoe had given up on fighting back?

Actually, that sounded quite depressing. Hanbin felt bad now.

"It's been a while since I've properly seen you. Seriously, what do you gain from staying in your dorm 24/7?"

"Happiness and peace," Junhoe replied serenely and Hanbin rolled his eyes. "Besides, friends come over sometimes, Jiwon-hyung visits a _lot_. So I'm not always alone or anything, you don't need to worry about me."

"Alright, alright...so, you say Jiwon-hyung visits you?"

"Yeah..."

"Does he ever, I don't know, talk about me?"

Junhoe almost choked on a piece of seaweed but he quickly swallowed it (even though his eyes were close to watering because he hadn't chewed it properly but he wasn't sure anyone cared), looking the other way so his face couldn't say anything that his mouth didn't. "Uh, nope, not as far as I know."

Hanbin felt just a tiny bit disappointed at that answer but he tried his best not to show it. It would probably just give the wrong message and Junhoe was good at picking up on things when he wanted to be.

It had been a good while since he had last seen Jiwon (which was odd enough in itself) and whenever Hanbin would pick up his phone and open the elder's contact, he didn't know what he would _say_ if he were to text or call him. And now that he had left it so late, he was scared that the lessons and, more importantly, his budding friendship with Jiwon might just fade away.

"Okay. I just haven't seen him in a while, that's all."

"I know- I mean, _hey_ , a butterfly!" Junhoe quickly covered as he pointed at the mammoth graffiti butterfly outside and Hanbin snorted, pushing Junhoe's arm down.

"That's been there for forever, idiot."

"Really?! Wow, I _never_ noticed."

"We made fun of it every day for a year."

"Uhhhh, I think you've got the wrong Junhoe, I don't recall-"

Hanbin was still trying his best to listen, but it was hard when suddenly in the corner of his eye, he caught sight of Jiwon lethargically walking somewhere. He looked somewhat...empty, and Hanbin couldn't help but feel worried which was why he slapped Junhoe's arm.

"Ow!"

"Look, I can see Jiwon-hyung...is it okay if I go talk to him for a second?"

Junhoe widened his eyes in slight panic, seeing Jiwon too but when he saw the determined look in Hanbin's eyes, he simply gave up and sighed, "Yeah, go ahead. Hopefully it won't do _too_ much harm..."

"What?"

"Nothing, just leave already!"

"Okay, gosh-"

"Why aren't you gone yet?!"

"Junhoe, _chill,_ " Hanbin said in alarm, getting up and patting Junhoe's head carefully like he was a rabid dog before he was off on his way. It wasn't hard to catch up with Jiwon (the guy was walking slower than a _snail's_ pace ) and all he had to do was tap his arm to get his attention. "Hey, hyung."

Jiwon blinked, stock still for a moment before he turned around and blinked yet again. "Hanbin."

"It's been quite a long time, huh?"

"You call a week a long time? Didn't see you as the type to be needy, babe," Jiwon said with a small smile and Hanbin smiled back, almost in relief because he had been so worried that there was something going on but if Jiwon was joking like normal? It couldn't be that bad.

"I'm not, I'm just saying, you usually find a way to get to me before twenty-fours have gone. Hm, maybe I _am_ needy..."

Jiwon looked to the side before loosely taking hold of Hanbin's wrist, moving the opposite way to where he was going before. "Let's get somewhere a tiny bit quieter."

"But why would...alright."

They didn't go that far but the intense look Jiwon gave him when they were back to being still had Hanbin's hairs standing on end. Jiwon softened it quickly though, clearing his throat before muttering, "What's up?"

"I guess I've missed you a little," Hanbin said, trying not to be shy but that all fell to pieces when Jiwon tugged him closer by his sleeve and dropped a kiss into the younger's hair. Hanbin distantly felt something inside his chest squeeze and there was nothing he wanted to do more than hold Jiwon's hand and kiss him until they both felt numb. He wanted too much. "What was that for?"

"I don't know...I'm just really tired. I haven't been feeling myself lately," Jiwon muttered feebly and Hanbin frowned, about to express his concern before the elder continued quickly, "but I'm fine! Don't you worry about it, I'll get back to normal in no time, I've just been...keeping my distance from people for a while, for the better. Everyone except for Junhoe- _wow_ , that's an odd premise."

"I hope you get better soon, hyung-"

"I'm not _sick_ or anything, I'm just...there's really nothing wrong. My emotions are just a little bit of a mess." Jiwon tried for a smile and Hanbin couldn't smile back this time, accepting the other's words with a heavy heart. He took Jiwon's hand for the sole purpose of doing something, swinging them slightly and he almost melted when Jiwon took hold of his other hand too, sweater-pawed softness and all.

"Can't I help somehow...?"

"Bin, I'm okay, seriously. It's weird having someone worry so much."

"It's not weird to care-"

"Maybe. But sometimes instead of being weird, it does harm," Jiwon mumbled, looking down and Hanbin felt more than a little alarmed at how Jiwon had just deflated in seconds. _Gosh, there really **is** something wrong..._ "Look, I gotta get to my apartment, text me or whatever if you want something-"

"No, no, right now I want _you,_ " Hanbin said urgently, holding onto Jiwon's hands tight to keep the elder from moving and he didn't manage to catch the way Jiwon winced at the words, or the way his breath hitched and his body stiffened. Sometimes, people could miss the most important little things. "I want to be there for you, can you just let me?"

Jiwon wanted to lash out at Hanbin, he wanted to yell 'why the _hell_ can't you just leave me alone, can't you see how bad I have it for you?!' but then that just got him to a breakthrough that he didn't want—it was official, he truly had a stupid, blind crush on Kim Hanbin. It wasn't just a mess of feelings building up inside him anymore, it was actually something recognisable, something you could _name._ It was a crush.

He was crushing on someone who was in love with someone else.

_Time to say hello to fucking heartbreak again._

"And I want to go home, can you let me do _that?"_

"Look me in the eyes and tell me I can't stay with you, go on."

"What...? I'm not gonna-"

"Do it."

"Can you stop being so irritating, please?

 _You can call me irritating all you like but this is the tactic I use when my little sister's mad and it's **gonna** work on you, mister,_ Hanbin thought smugly, almost grinning but he caught himself just in time. _Just wait and see, you're almost cracked._

Jiwon wondered why Hanbin was silent for a moment and he thought he had _finally_ got to him until the younger said, "Look me in the eyes and tell me I'm irritating again-"

"Oh my _God_ , fine!" Jiwon groaned in indignation, almost tearing his hair out while Hanbin perked up excitedly but still felt a little cautious.

"Fine what?"

"Fine...come to my apartment at six. Spend the night with me, or however long you want or can if you've got late classes..." Jiwon trailed off when he saw the happiness shining in Hanbin's eyes and he just wanted to give up. What was the guy even getting so hyped over, the fact that he had worn Jiwon down until he had accepted his company? This was such a bad idea, it wouldn't fix the matters of his heart at all but...if it would make Hanbin happy, then...

"You will _not_ regret this, this...this will be the best hang-out of your life, I promise you and that might be a tall order but I _will deliver-_ "

"Just shut up and kiss me, you idiot," Jiwon sighed exasperatedly, almost joking but Hanbin still leant in and pressed their lips together, staying soft and dulcet as Jiwon smiled so big that he almost couldn't kiss back. But of course he did, letting himself get lost for a moment as his head spun, kissing deeper and faster when the latter pulled him closer and that was that - he was spellbound.

"Wait, wait, people could see us," Hanbin breathed out just when Jiwon was about to pin him against the wall, "so m-maybe we shouldn't."

"I don't really care who sees but, fine," Jiwon agreed a little reluctantly, dipping down to trail feather-light kisses down Hanbin's neck a few times and he felt a little speck of pride when Hanbin melted into a soft sigh, a hand gripping on Jiwon's shirt loosely. "You know what? I think I've missed you too, doll."

Hanbin brightened at the familiar nickname and he really wanted to hug Jiwon then but he figured that the elder might not appreciate that, so he decided to follow the path of sarcasm instead. "What, so I had to kiss you to make you realise that? Typical."

Jiwon shook his head, grinning as bright as the sun as he squeezed the one hand that had remained in his before letting go. "So can I go home now, pretty please? Don't be that one teacher who keeps the kids in for like ten minutes after the bell rings."

Hanbin and Jiwon grimaced in unison, both knowing the feeling.

"Okay, fine, but look forward to me showing up with a life-sized teddy-bear. Trust me, I'll get my hands on one!"

"Mhm, I don't doubt you one bit," Jiwon hummed sarcastically, walking Hanbin back into the direction that he had come from. "Now go back to- is that Junhoe?"

"Ye-"

"YAH, KOO JUNHOE!"

Junhoe jolted from where he looked like he was falling asleep and looked their way, yelling back, "WHAT?"

"WE STILL ON FOR FROSTING DAY TOMORROW?"

"WHY WOULDN'T WE BE?"

"I DON'T KNOW."

"WELL, WE ARE."

"ALRIGHT."

"Yeah."

"LOVE YOU, MAN!"

"DUDE, SHUT _UP-_ "

"Okay, just go, my heart's getting broken enough here," Jiwon sniffed, nudging Hanbin (who was trying _so_ hard to stifle his laughter) forward a little. "See you later, yeah?"

"See ya," Hanbin said happily, pecking Jiwon's lips quickly before running off, and Jiwon stifled a grin when he saw Hanbin yell a out war-cry before piling onto Junhoe who groaned like he was disappointed but not surprised.

When Jiwon thought about it, his love life was the saddest thing. If it was under any other circumstance, Jiwon would be quite utterly convinced that Hanbin was into him. There were so many signs, like how comfortable Hanbin was with all the touching and the kissing, or the way Hanbin cared about him, or just how Hanbin _acted_ and Jiwon wanted to jump out of a window.

This wasn't fair anymore.

Fuck happy endings. Jiwon just wasn't supposed to get one of those, was he?

"Yeah, I'm gonna go home," Jiwon mumbled to no-one as he started walking off, hunching his shoulders a little when he heard the distant sound of Hanbin and Junhoe's laughter ring in his ears. It almost felt like they were mocking him and maybe he _deserved_ to be mocked.

A lovesick jester never wins in the end, after all.

 


	15. guardian angel

"Look, dude, you've gotta help me out here," Jiwon sighed into his phone as he distractedly swiped a cloth over his messy kitchen counter. "You've always been good at helping me with stuff like this."

"I'm still not over the fact that you're crushing on another person so soon. Like, I feel bad for Junhoe and I don't even know the guy."

"Chan, this isn't what I call helping!"

Chanwoo laughed in reply, making Jiwon's frown grow deeper. "Hyung, you're a hoe."

" _CHANWOO-_ "

It had been a good while since his ex-roommate had moved out to live with his boyfriend and Jiwon seriously missed the guy like crazy. Chanwoo had never left the apartment once, thus immediately becoming Jiwon's go-to support stool and counsellor and he probably knew every single thing that had been going on in Jiwon's life. He was the only one Jiwon had ever told about Junhoe, so it just made sense to tell him about Hanbin too. Even if the guy was freaking Satan sometimes.

"Look, this is quite the dilemma. It's probably the most unfortunate thing ever that you fell for him."

"Ugh, I _know_ that...it really sucks."

"Okay, so this is the advice I can give you," Chanwoo said matter-of-factly and Jiwon waited in anticipation because Chanwoo was honestly one of the smartest people he knew. "Try and see how compatible you two are. If it's seriously something special then you _have_ to go for it, hyung, even if your guy's in love with someone else. Does the other person love him back?"

Jiwon frowned in thought, not sure about that. "I don't think so. I'm not usually around them both at the same time, but Jinhwan doesn't give me like _any_ hints."

"Hm...does the guy you like talk about him a lot?"

"You know what, he actually doesn't. But that's futile, our whole arrangement is just to get him with Jinhwan."

"Personally, I think it sounds fishy," Chanwoo muttered, sounding like some kind of cool psychologist. Jiwon wished he was there in person, just so he could see how all of the gears were whirring in Chanwoo's head. "I've never read a story like this but I can clearly imagine it laid out like one."

"I bet I'd be a stupid villain, the guy who's just destined for a bad ending while everyone else runs off into the rainbow," Jiwon grumbled, sitting down at kitchen counter but then Chanwoo spoke up, "That's strange, 'cause in my version, you're the protagonist. Maybe I'm biased because I only know your side of things but hear me out—you've got you, the sad, funny, lost boy who's been done wrong and _has_ done wrong in the past but he's trying to fix it all, and then he gets reeled into something he didn't expect and goes too far. And then there's your love interest, an innocent boy who's racing against everything including love and he's sick of it so he recruits you to help, but the tables turn."

"Chan-"

"And then you've got the extras but vitals—Junhoe, the ex-crush who's relevant for a ton of your character reformation and development, and now he's your glorified helpful, sort-of-dumb, but loyal best friend."

"Oh my God-"

"Jinhwan- that was his name, right?"

"Yeah, but-"

"Jinhwan, the love interest's best friend and who his heart's taken by, and to make it even more complicated, he's good friends with _you_ too. You love him even though he should be your mortal enemy, so even if it makes you jealous, it just makes you more sad."

Jiwon's eyes widened at that and he suddenly realised that Chanwoo was spot on. He hadn't even thought about that side of things at all...now he wanted nothing more than to just hug Jinhwan to pieces. Now he thought about it, he hadn't spoken to his hyung in weeks; was this Hanbin thing actually tearing them apart without either of them knowing?

"Dude, please, it's starting to get too real-"

"And Chanwoo, the trusty confidante who's both hella rich so he could bail you out of jail and smart so he helps you with all your problems. He's the goldmine extra of the whole story, but generally and unfairly overlooked. Mostly because no-one knows who he is."

Jiwon rolled his eyes, even if it was true. Chanwoo was honestly the goldmine of friends. "Where are you going with this?"

"Well, I think this is the kind of story where _everyone_ gets a happy ending—there doesn't seem to be any ultimate evil lurking in the shadows. If you're the protagonist, then you'll get the guy."

"I wish that could happen," Jiwon murmured, smiling a little as he thought about it. "But what about Jinhwan-hyung?"

"Pffft, I don't know...maybe he'll get with that Junhoe guy, an extra for an extra, a best friend for a best friend."

Jiwon instantly burst into laughter at the mere thought of it, shaking his head wildly. "Oh my _gosh_ , that would be the most hilarious thing- I kid you not, they have like a twenty centimetre height difference. And they'll literally just get angry at each other all the time if they were to date—they're barely even friends right now."

"Not to mention that you'd probably get a little upset if Junhoe dates someone else."

"Shut up. But yes, that too."

Chanwoo snickered a little and Jiwon couldn't help but smile even though his heart was in such a vulnerable place. It was so, so stupid.

"You're the protagonist in my version of the story, and do you know what protagonists get?"

"...happy endi-"

"Happy endings! You're gonna get your happy ending."

"Not _all_ protagonists get happy endings, Chanwoo," Jiwon sighed heavily, leaning his head against the counter. "Even when they deserve it. And I _don't_ deserve it, so there's no way I'm getting one."

"Oh my God, shush, you're so getting one. I can foresee it. Maybe it's an ending _without_ your crush."

"Uh, no," Jiwon refuted instantly, furrowing his eyebrows. "If my happy ending doesn't have Hanbin in it then fuck it, I don't want it."

"Okay, hold your horses, I'm not here to dabble in whipped culture."

"No, Chan, just, I'm not lying, he..." Jiwon heard a knock on his door and his eyes widened as he instantly rushed to the door and opened it, only to see the topic of his heart all dressed up in a bear onesie, unfamiliarly blonde hair peeking out of his hood, a beautiful smile on his face and bags in his hands as he looked up at Jiwon.

"Hey!" Hanbin said with a dopey smile, sounding a little breathless and Jiwon instantly slammed the door shut on him before going back to his conversation with Chanwoo, saying softly, "He's my soulmate. I'm not even kidding, not one bit."

"Got it, hyung," Chanwoo replied and he sounded almost proud. "So I'm assuming he's here?"

"You assume far too well. Love you, jerk."

"Love you too, idiot. Take it easy - we'll talk later." And then Chanwoo hung up and Jiwon was free to open the door again, grinning when he was met with a confused look.

"Why did you close the door on me?"

"Don't worry about it, just come inside," Jiwon said with his smile still in tact as he pulled Hanbin inside by his...paw. "Well, don't _you_ look fancy."

"Yeah, I actually couldn't find a life-sized teddy bear," Hanbin mumbled a little shamefully, the ears on his hood flopping as he hung his head, "so this is the best you'll get. I'm sorry."

"It's okay, I love it," Jiwon replied, grinning toothily as he held his arms out and Hanbin's face lit up before he barrelled himself into Jiwon, making the elder laugh a little as they wrapped their arms around each other. Jiwon felt soft and for a moment, he didn't even think about love and soulmates and happy endings. Hanbin was just a nice, warm bear-person who Jiwon adored and was hugging, and that was enough.

It was enough for now.

~~~

Hanbin was actually dead-tired, even though he tried very hard to hide it. Straight after he finished his last class at four, he had rushed to the nearest shopping complex to get there in time for his hair-dying appointment and look for a teddy bear - he got some groceries too while he was at it. Sure, now he was a smoking hot beacon with his newly blonde hair but he had probably _never_ been as sad than he was when he couldn't find a single humongous bear after searching the whole place. Tragic.

At least he picked up some things to bring with him on the way, like ice-cream and chips and carrots and all sorts. The carrots were mostly because Hanbin wanted to see how Jiwon would react to them and how much of a bunny he really was (yes, it was stupid but Hanbin needed to do it).

Then he had frivolously bought a too-large bear onesie, almost throwing his money at the clerk before he raced back home to stock it up with groceries which got him a surprised but happy hug from Jinhwan but he flailed to get out of it, yelling, " _NO,_ HYUNG, I'VE ONLY GOT FIVE MINUTES TO BECOME A BEAR' before he changed in record time, grabbed his snack bags, then ran out of the door. And if you thought it was over there, oh no - by then, he realised it was only ten minutes until six and he almost screamed, realising that he couldn't walk like usual so he ran to catch the bus and do you _know_ how draining it is in itself to be stared at when you're an out-of-breath idiot in a bear onesie on a bus?

Be glad that you don't.

And then he was running (yet again) to Jiwon's apartment, sliding into the space before his front door _exactly_ a minute before six because yes, he was completely a legend. And it was the best thing ever to be greeted with Jiwon's face after all that - but then the guy just had to close the door on him and by the time he had opened it again? It was _6:01._

Hanbin had nearly exploded, and it was so hard to keep his irritation hidden even though he managed it. _The fucking audacity._

"You okay?" Jiwon asked him as he scrutinised Hanbin from across the counter, leaning forwards on his elbows and he reminded Hanbin a little of the Cheshire cat. "You look a little red."

"I'm fine," Hanbin replied heavily, resting his bags on the marble surface which he couldn't help but appreciate for a moment. This apartment was seriously cool. "Just a little...rushed?"

"Oh? Hey, you didn't need to get here at _exactly six_ , I wouldn't expect that from anyone-"

"I just wanted to," Hanbin said with a shrug, trying to sound nonchalant but Jiwon's amused smile showed that he obviously wasn't fooled.

"Okay, sure."

Hanbin was in the process of worriedly checking if he had brought the carrots when a warm presence came up behind him, arms wrapping around his waist tightly as if to make sure that Hanbin couldn't slip away. The touch was softer than usual, less seductive and it was more like Jiwon was being...sweet. Clingy, but sweet, and Hanbin was melting into his onesie.

"Hey," Jiwon whispered in his ear, making Hanbin's eyelashes flutter for a moment, "thank you."

"For what?"

"For coming. For existing."

Hanbin had to cover his mouth, almost embarrassed at how wide that had made him smile even though Jiwon couldn't see him. He turned around in Jiwon's arms seconds later, grinning at the elder as he said pointedly, "That's rather vague."

"But it still says everything I want to say," Jiwon mumbled desolately, bowing his head a little which made things a lot easier when Hanbin went to kiss it, pressing his palms on either side tenderly.

"You really don't seem okay, hyung. Please, be okay."

Jiwon shook his head gently. "Hanbin, it's nothing-"

"I'm here now, I'll be your guardian angel, your bodyguard, your whatever, and I'll try and make you feel better."

Jiwon suddenly felt tears prick his eyes and he quickly tried to send them away, knowing that Hanbin would only get more sweet and clueless and amazing if he started crying and then that would just make him cry _more._ He couldn't help but think of that one thing that Chanwoo had said.

_"You're gonna get your happy ending."_

"Do I deserve a happy ending?" Jiwon croaked out before he could stop himself and Hanbin blinked, a little alarmed by the question but he took it in his stride as he brought one hand up to run through Jiwon's hair soothingly.

"Of course you do, hyung."

And Jiwon broke down into tears then, all of the insecurities and worries that he had bottled up all his life suddenly pouring out of him and ruining his walls he had taken such care to build for so long. But Hanbin was there to pick up the pieces as he pulled Jiwon away and towards his bedroom, not saying a single word as he kicked the door shut and drew the elder into another embrace. He mumbled a small 'shit' when he realised that he was about to cry too.

"W-Wait, you do-don't-"

"Shut up for a moment and just cry," Hanbin said quickly and Jiwon nodded, breathing heavily through his tears and Hanbin could outright hear his own heart breaking.

~~~

"I'm sorry," was the first thing Jiwon said when he came to, having slept for a whole five minutes after he got too emotionally spent from crying for too long. He was lying on the bed with one foot hanging off while Hanbin leant against the wall, watching Jiwon warily. "I don't know what...it's just so weird, I haven't cried for like, months. And I haven't cried like _that_ in years."

"I thought as much. A breakdown is just inevitable if you keep things in for too long."

"Stop being a smartass, I'm a mess right now," Jiwon grumbled and Hanbin smiled a little.

"Sorry."

Hanbin stayed on alert when Jiwon slowly sat up, pushing himself up by his hands as he winced at how much his head hurt. "Jesus...this wasn't what I expected tonight to go like at all."

"What did you expect?"

"I don't know. Something. Just not this." Jiwon let out a loud sigh when he finished speaking, looking ready to sleep again but then he called out, "Hanbin?"

Hanbin stood at attention. "Yes, sir!"

Jiwon's lips just about curled into the ghost of a smile and Hanbin felt so fucking proud of himself. "Come here, I want you here."

Hanbin did so, wondering how Jiwon could literally make a request sound so _cute._ He sat between Jiwon's legs and let the elder pull him closer, not telling him to stop once their chests met, not asking him to stop when their noses brushed. All Hanbin could focus on was how Jiwon's eyelashes were still wet with tears that were clinging onto them, so he brought his hand up to brush them away. Jiwon shut his eyes out of instinct and fell into Hanbin's touch, wanting it to stay there forever.

"How's my guardian angel doing?"

"He's feeling worried about you," Hanbin answered, sticking with third person as he rested his hand delicately on Jiwon's face. "He wants you to get better."

"But that's difficult."

"He knows you can do it."

Jiwon was floored by that answer and Hanbin only smiled, feeling Jiwon's face get warmer underneath his hand. "You really know what to say to everything, don't you?"

"I'd call it one of my charms if it didn't make me seem a little scary sometimes."

Jiwon hiccuped a laugh before he realised something kind of mind blowing. Hanbin hadn't asked him what was wrong once, not asking him to explain at all but only helping without knowing anything. What kind of person was like that?

"Aren't you curious, about why I'm, well, like this?"

"No, because I figured out the outline of it 'cause I'm smart like that," Hanbin said matter-of-factly and Jiwon almost rolled his eyes, though he suddenly felt a little scared.

"What do you mean, you fi-"

"You've got way more self-esteem issues than you let on, don't you? And when you asked me if you deserved a happy ending, it all fit together—you want a happy ending but you can't get it because you're not letting yourself think you're worth it. You think that a sad ending for you will mean the best outcome for everyone else."

"Fuck you, Hanbin, what did I tell you about being a goddamn smartass, I hate it!" Jiwon groaned, throwing his head back against the headboard. "Why is everyone better at emotions than me? Was I sick the day they taught it at school?!"

"No, no, I'm sorry, hyung, I take Psychology," Hanbin said quickly, sounding genuinely apologetic for his existence and Jiwon glared at him.

"You're _kidding._ I hate Psychology students, darn kids think they can psycho-analyse me all the time, uh, no. I don't appreciate. And that's what you just did."

"No, I didn't mean it like that," Hanbin said desperately, shaking his head. "I just want you to know that I'm trying to understand. That's all I can do right now, understand and help."

"Well, if it helps, you're spot-on," Jiwon mumbled, still a little irritated but he didn't have the heart to be angry at Hanbin, let alone a droopy, blonde, bear Hanbin, "and I'm right, I know I am. One person always needs to get a bad ending in stories, and that person's-"

_"I think this is the kind of story where **everyone** gets a happy ending—there doesn't seem to be any ultimate evil lurking in the shadows. If you're the protagonist, then you'll get the guy."_

Jiwon swallowed the lump in his throat, and suddenly he was wishing that he had never talked to Chanwoo. He was making him question absolutely everything, and it was actually getting difficult for Jiwon to keep thinking of himself as a villain.

"Hyung?" Hanbin asked softly, tilting his head to the side and Jiwon stared at him so openly that he was just _asking_ to get enchanted. He was lost in Hanbin's impressive eyes in seconds, his heart thumping hard against his chest when he properly realised just how close they were in a way that felt so right. "You kind of zoned out-"

"You're so beautiful," Jiwon breathed out and thankfully before he could get to the sunset part, he already had his lips on Hanbin's because the younger decided to meet him half-way. This time, Jiwon needed something strong and Hanbin seemed to understand since he pressed so insistently that he got Jiwon pinned to the headboard, slipping a hand absent-mindedly under his shirt and Jiwon shivered at the contact.

"You want an impromptu lesson, babydoll?" Jiwon whispered almost inaudibly between kisses, smiling lazily when Hanbin broke apart fully to nod. "Keep kissing me, then."

Hanbin didn't need to be told twice, dipping his head straight back to take Jiwon's lips in his. Jiwon let that be for a second or two, relishing in how soft and soothing Hanbin's lips were before he pried them open with his own, getting a subdued gasp in return.

"What-"

"Shh," Jiwon hummed before he licked his way into Hanbin's mouth, tangling up a hand in the younger's hair so he could tug on it to angle his head for deeper access. But Hanbin wasn't easy to manoeuvre and before he could even register it, Hanbin was pushing Jiwon down to lay flat against the bed, gently tilting Jiwon's head up using the fingers splayed across his jaw.

Jiwon couldn't really complain because even though he was really not used to it, it felt nice to be kind of dominated even if it _was_ by a newbie. He slid a knee in between Hanbin's legs and arched himself upwards, getting all light-headed from Hanbin's soft little gasps and noises that were so adorable, too adorable for what they were doing. But Jiwon couldn't stop, wrapping his tongue around Hanbin's and sucking gently until he drew out a breathy moan from the younger that was so loud and pretty that Jiwon groaned a little, pulling Hanbin down until they were flush against each other.

"W-Wait," Hanbin panted desperately as he broke the kiss and rested his head in the crook of Jiwon's neck, breathing copiously. Jiwon nodded and his grip on Hanbin loosened as he littered close-mouthed kisses down Hanbin's face and his neck, feeling like he had to do _something._ Hanbin still had a hand under his shirt and Jiwon winced when it brushed across his abs, involuntarily arching into the touch a little but he pulled himself back down quickly.

"You okay, baby?"

"F-Fine," Hanbin muttered, stuttering at the nickname. "That was...did- did I do okay?"

"Hey, that's not a question that you ever need to ask. But you were perfect."

"And you're okay?" Hanbin asked, his eyes still worried as he raised his head to look at Jiwon who smiled up at him, idly carding a hand through the younger's hair. Hanbin really did look like an angel with his blonde hair, ethereal and majestic. "Earlier, you-"

"We just had a make-out session - a hot one at that - and you're still stressing about me?"

Hanbin instantly flushed red, biting his kiss-swollen lips and just looking at them made Jiwon's mind go places. "I...it's not like I can _help_ it. You were crying, you were hurt."

"Wow, thanks for reminding me," Jiwon mumbled, feeling a little miffed as he tried to sit up but Hanbin's hand spread out across his bare chest to stop him, making him stiffen. "Fuck..."

"What would be your happy ending?" Hanbin asked, staring straight into Jiwon's eyes and the latter felt helpless underneath him. The word 'you' was right on the tip of his tongue but he couldn't say it, he would never forgive himself if he ruined what was at the moment his bliss. So he just smiled softly, a smile full of bittersweetness as he replied, "Don't worry about me, doll, just focus on getting yours."

"That's not a good enough answer," Hanbin grumbled and Jiwon rolled his eyes, about to answer but then Hanbin took hold of his chin and leant down for another kiss, delicately parting their lips but their tongues didn't meet this time. It was a kiss with meaning, with soul and Jiwon's heart felt at peace once Hanbin slowly pulled away.

"You're a pro at this, kid. You don't need me anymore."

Hanbin's eyes grew wide at those words. He felt compelled to disagree, mostly because he couldn't imagine a life where he wasn't kissing Jiwon but then he began to remember what this was all for. So he could kiss Jinhwan and do it so well that he'd make the guy fall in love with him.

But when was the last time Hanbin felt his heart flutter around Jinhwan?

When was the last time Hanbin felt jealous when Jinhwan called another guy hot?

When was the last time Hanbin's gaze lingered on Jinhwan more than deemed normal?

_Oh no._

"I'll need you however long I say I need you," was what Hanbin decided to say and Jiwon laughed a little bit.

"You're so goddamn endearing when you try to be bossy. I mean, you're really _good_ at it and it kinda turns me on but still."

"What do you mean, 'turns you on'?" Hanbin asked confusedly and Jiwon stared at him, absolutely flabbergasted.

"Jesus Christ- I take it back. You really, _really_ need me."

Life was difficult, and it wasn't like Jiwon was trying to make it any easier for himself. But he couldn't help but think that he really _wasn't_ the antagonist in this messed-up story, not when he was cuddling his love interest who clearly didn't find him repulsive.

He wanted everyone to be happy, he wanted Jinhwan to keep being his bright moody fairy self and find the love he deserved, he wanted Junhoe to realise all of his talents then date someone and spew his beautiful poems at them, he wanted Chanwoo to stay amazing and be able to marry his boyfriend one day, he wanted Donghyuk to get his dance scholarship and become the most famous sweetheart in Korea, he wanted Yunhyeong to get recognition for his efforts and become some sort of high-end fashionista actor entrepreneur thing, even if he hadn't seen the guy in a while.

And he wanted Hanbin to show everyone how incredible he was and get his happy ever after in any way possible.

"But then where does that leave me?" Jiwon whispered later on in the night, when he had a sleeping Hanbin tucked into his side. "Am I supposed to wait for it all to happen, or should I do something? But what?"

"Hyung, shut up," Hanbin grumbled sleepily, reaching out blindly to put a hand over Jiwon's mouth but the elder caught the hand, laying soft kisses on each finger.

"Okay, keep sleeping, doll."

Hanbin nodded in satisfaction, burrowing deeper into Jiwon's side. Jiwon held on tight to his hand and he couldn't help but think that it was already pretty much like him and Hanbin were dating. For now, this pretence just had to be enough because Jiwon knew he wouldn't get any better than this...maybe it _could_ be enough if Jiwon fooled himself well enough.

All he knew was that Hanbin was perfection, Chanwoo was incredible, and he really needed to talk to Jinhwan.

 


	16. dance

**Lesson Five(?? I'm not really counting any more):** _Sensuality and Harmony // Dancing_

 **—notes:** _do you see how sophisticated of a teacher I am, DO YOU SEE_

_Okay but it's also kinda for my gain because, don't judge me on this, I've always wanted to go dancing with someone, especially to this one place since it accepts lgbt+. And now that I've got the knowledge (don't ask how) that Hanbin can dance, as well as first hand experience that his hips don't lie (I'm sorry kill me now I just had to), this is the ultimate opportunity. Time to teach the essensuals (did you seE WHAT I DID THERE)_

_I'm sorry, I had like five energy drinks this morning because of exams and the fact that I saw Hanbin walk out of the shower dripping and half-naked and I couldn't even do anything about it and okay, just, life is stressful_

_It's stressful but I'm kinda, just kinda loving it right now?_

_— Bobby_

—

Hanbin and Jinhwan were by the fountain in the university grounds late in the afternoon. Jinhwan was trying not to cry over the hella painful hit he had got to his abdomen and Hanbin sat by him, an arm around the elder's waist gently as he tried to be the best support that Jinhwan could get.

 "I-I don't feel well," Jinhwan sniffed and Hanbin nodded, letting the elder rest against him. "I thought Ji was going to be there so I could make him protect me...I miss him so much, Bin, where is he these days?" 

"Ji?"

"Jiwon. Him and Song, both disappearing all the time, it's so sad. And honestly, this injury wasn't even my fault this time! But maybe this is just a sign. Sports isn't for me."

"I'm sorry, hyung," Hanbin said, trying very hard to bite back a yell of 'this is what I've been TELLING YOU FOR MONTHS-' "Don't put yourself down, though. You really _are_ good at sports, except for a fair few, but you just keep getting hurt."

"I just wanted to have something that I loved, you know? Something that makes me happy, something that makes me hyped. You've got rapping and boxing, Donghyuk's got dancing and so do you, the others also have their own thing."

"Wait, _that's_ why you've been doing it?" Hanbin asked in surprise and Jinhwan nodded morosely.

"Stupid, right?" 

"No, of course it's not stupid. You've tried so many things before, have _none_ of them resonated with you?" 

"None of them." Jinhwan drooped, crossing his arms and Hanbin frowned because he had never realised that Jinhwan had been feeling like this. Hanbin knew how much he himself loved his hobbies so it was kind of really upsetting to see his best friend yearning for something that seemed like such a familiar, in-reach concept, but it clearly wasn't that way to Jinhwan. "But it's okay like, it's not that big of a deal, if you think about it."

Hanbin tugged Jinhwan's hood down and hugged the elder's head to his chest warmly, making Jinhwan laugh in surprise. "Bin, it's fine-"

"Noooo, it's not fine 'til I say so, you keep grieving," Hanbin ordered, pressing a fat kiss on the side of Jinhwan's face which had the latter groaning in disgust as he wiped it away.

"Get _away_ from me-"

"Never! Unless you want me to."

"I do!"

"Hm...still never," Hanbin retorted smugly as he cuddled Jinhwan tightly and the elder just let out a sigh, falling limp in Hanbin's affectionate hold. "And look, you're great, okay? If you want to find something so bad then...keep searching. I'm sure that you'll find what you love and you'll be so so good at it and we'll all be jealous of you and proud and you'll take over the world, end of."

Jinhwan let out a breathy laugh, pulling back a little so he could then fully wrap his arms around Hanbin in a hug and the younger smiled softly, hugging Jinhwan back while trying not to hurt him. He was luckily successful and they pulled away, giving Jinhwan the chance to grin at Hanbin. "I always think you're a sucky friend and then you do something like that."

"Wha—hey! I'm a beautiful friend. More beautiful than nature."

"How weirdly-worded." 

"JINHWAN-HYUNG!" someone yelled desperately and the two jolted, looking around confusedly but then Jinhwan stared straight ahead and blinked in alarm.

"Oh my God, _Bobby-_ " 

"I'm so glad I found you, oh my gosh, we really need to talk," Jiwon said breathlessly as he fell to his knees right in front of Jinhwan and the elder's eyes widened. He looked at Hanbin in bewilderment but the latter just shrugged because he didn't know any better than the other did. 

"Why?"

"I just, I really want you to know that I love you so much and you're the bestest and you'll always be such an amazing hyung and I haven't been avoiding you at all, I've just been stupid and all tired recently and I can't even judge you for being moody anymore because I really understand it now and I appreciate you and we _really_ need to hang out more because I miss you," Jiwon blurted out all at once before taking a deep breath and Jinhwan ogled at him in amazement, frozen for a moment and Jiwon raised his head to look at him worriedly. "Was that...was that too much or too weird or, or should I just leave-" 

"It was adorable, don't ruin it by running your stupid mouth," Jinhwan said instantly, looking so heartfelt as he reached out to drown Jiwon in the biggest bear hug he could manage. Jiwon didn't quite drown but he embraced Jinhwan back, smiling elatedly when the elder rested his face on his shoulder. Jiwon caught Hanbin's very confused look and shook his head, mouthing 'don't ask' at him. "I actually kind of thought that you were avoiding me, I really did..."

" _No_ , hyung, I would never. You're great."

"I freaking _love_ you, man."

"I know, I know. So do I." 

Jiwon sighed out in relief as Jinhwan let go of him and he was able to take a seat next to Hanbin, casually resting his arm around the younger's shoulders. "That felt so good. I should profess my love for my friends more often, it's such a wholesome feel-"

"PEOPLE _PEOPLEEEE_ PEOPLE PEOPLE!" Donghyuk yelled from afar, racing right towards them from the other side of the grounds with dragging an ill-looking Junhoe. It got worse when Donghyuk jumped over a hedge and Junhoe had to scramble to follow him, groaning loudly and wishing so hard that he wasn't there. "I COME BEARING NEWS AND A KOO JUNHOE!"

"Junhoe!" Jiwon said excitedly, standing up while Hanbin and Jinhwan gave each other knowing looks. Donghyuk was always in charge of their weird friendship meetings and it was probably the jackpot for him that they were already together because he usually didn't bother otherwise. Thus another reason why Jiwon and Hanbin had never been able to be in one together before now, or they'd have known each other a little better before their...arrangement. "And Donghyuk, what's going on?"

Junhoe lit up at the sight of Jiwon but almost screamed when Donghyuk made them come to a screeching halt right in front of the other three. "I'm gonna die, I'm gonna freaking die before I find love and turn thirty."

"Stop being a baby, you're not important right now," Donghyuk said and Junhoe frowned, tearing his arm out of his hold before sulking off to Jiwon who was much more welcoming. "Is everyone here?"

"I guess...except for Yun," Jinhwan said sadly, before suddenly looking angry. "But he hates us anyway so it doesn't matter."

"Come on, he doesn't _hate_ -"

"Have any of you seen him in the last two weeks? Go on, tell me."

No-one answered and while Jinhwan looked satisfied but still very angered, Donghyuk's eyes flitted between everyone worriedly. "Um...guys. I've got a low-down on the song."

"Which song?" Hanbin asked confusedly and Donghyuk gestured to Jinhwan.

"What he was talking about. Our song, Song Yunhyeong."

Everyone held their breath at that moment, becoming wide-eyed.

"You _actually_ have news about him?!"

"I really do."

It was no secret that Yunhyeong hadn't been walking the uni with his ultimate fashion and quirks recently, talking to basically none of them while he was gone and they had all been worried; even if it hadn't been the ultimate focus of their minds, it was on all of their consciences. But Jinhwan was a person who had been worrying about it constantly and he stood up in distress, staring Donghyuk down.

"Oh my God, explain right now, is he being held at gunpoint? Where's the ransom note? Why did they send it to _you_ instead of me?!" Jinhwan yelped, getting more and more heated and Hanbin tried to hold him back, asking in shock, "Have you already started drinking today?"

"He's not being held at gun point, hyung, but...he's sick! That's why he hasn't been coming here, he's been festering at home. He doesn't hate us or anything nor has he been kidnapped."

It was like a rush of relief ran through all of them at that moment, even Junhoe as he happily shook Jiwon's arm in victory. Hanbin and Jiwon both looked at each other with a grin while Jinhwan looked better, but still concerned. "Sick? Why didn't he tell any of us?"

"Well...he thought none of us would care," Donghyuk mumbled, looking ashamed and none of them could look at each other then. "Isn't that something?"

"Look, when he comes back, no teasing from any of you," Jiwon piped up, giving everyone a stern look which was a very odd thing for him. "All we do is pile onto him to show our love, you get?" 

"We get, but Dong, who's looking after him?"

Donghyuk perked up as he quickly started scrolling through his phone and then finally found what he was looking for, showing it to everyone. "Read this, just do it."

 

**you**

_oh hyung ): we love you. i swear_

 

**songbird**

_Sure_

 

**you**

_if you're sick, is there anyone looking after you?_

 

**songbird**

_Yes_

 

**songbird**

_My boyfriend_

 

After a few minutes of everyone relentlessly staring, looking very numb, Donghyuk decided to helpfully say, "Yunhyeong-hyung has a boyfri-"

"Yeah, we got that, genius!" Jinhwan snapped as he took the phone and everyone crowded around him, looking longer like they hadn't seen it enough already. "Did you find out anything else about it?" 

"Oh yeah, just read on."

 

**you**

_MDCDVDVFCZZAEFJONFD_

 

**songbird**

_???_

 

**you**

_don'T ACT ALL FLIPPANT WITH ME M I S T E R_

**you**

_SONG YUNHYEONG HAS GAME, PEOPLE FCCCDCDBBKK_

**songbird**

_Yep I really didn't miss this_

 

**you**

_hoW lOnG_

 

**songbird**

_About a year...?_

 

**you**

_MOTHERTRUCKER DUDE_

**you**

_YOU DIDN'T CARE TO TELL ANY OF US??? I'M SO?? FREAKING!! BETRAYED???_

 

**songbird**

_You're betrayed because you don't get to tease me for ANOTHER thing?_

 

**you**

_i know that you're sick and that's why you're being so brutal but i'm gonna cry in a minute and you don't want that_

 

"A year," Hanbin said, breaking the overwhelming silence. "A year, he's been hiding this from us—if they've even been dating for a year, that literally means he's been hiding the love of his _life_ from us!" 

"Do you think he loves this dude more than he loves us?" Junhoe asked hesitantly and an uneasy feeling fell over all of them, like they'd eaten something terrible. But they all flinched when Jinhwan spun around and walked off like a machine, his fists clenched and back straight and Hanbin made to go after him.

"Hyung, wait-"

"Hanbin, no, I need to go," Jinhwan almost snarled and Hanbin froze, deciding to only watch him go with a frown. 

"What if he does something stupid...?"

"He wouldn't," Jiwon said, sounding very certain of himself but Hanbin barely felt reassured. "That's not what he ever does. Dong, did Yunhyeong say when he was going to come back?" 

"No." 

The others all deflated.

~~~

"Thanks for letting us have a lesson today, hyung," Hanbin whispered and Jiwon nodded as he sifted through the younger's wardrobe.

"You're welcome, I thought we should try and take our mind off things."

"I still don't know why you're choosing my clothes though..."

Jinhwan was leaning against the side of the doorway, stabbing a lollipop at his lips a few times before he actually put in his mouth. He looked like he really had a thundercloud above him, a shadow over his face as he stared at the ground and wouldn't look up once. Hanbin and Jiwon were both worried about him but the guy didn't want to go anywhere, he didn't even want any company. 

"Nice that you guys are gonna go off and have fun."

"You don't want to leave!" Hanbin yelped exasperatedly and Jinhwan sighed, pulling his lollipop out and tapping it against his lips. He seriously looked beautiful doing that and Hanbin felt awed. 

"I know, I know. I _do_ want you guys to have fun." 

"Thank you," Hanbin huffed, crossing his arms and Jiwon covered their faces with a shirt so he could press an amused kiss to Hanbin's cheek. Hanbin's anger melted at that and he gave Jiwon one back, grinning when Jiwon flushed a little before he literally dived back into searching for clothes. 

It was probably the best thing in the world when fifteen minutes ago at Hanbin's door, there had been an impeccably well-dressed, well-styled, gorgeous-looking Jiwon standing there. He was wearing a black silk shirt with a soft red tie as well as fitted dark trousers and Hanbin had pulled him into the apartment faster than he had ever done anything, instantly kissing him and Jiwon had laughed against his lips. Jinhwan had also done a double-take when he saw him, jaw almost to the floor as he asked confusedly, "You actually have the ability to look presentable?"

"So like, are you guys dating yet?" Jinhwan asked idly as Jiwon put his chosen clothes into Hanbin's arms but the younger almost dropped them in shock. "That'd be cute. Haven't seen either of you date in years, too." 

Jiwon and Hanbin stared at each other, knowing well that they both had _very_ different reasons for not dating anyone in so long, and just when Jiwon was going to deny Jinhwan's claim, Hanbin teased, "Come on, hyung, don't force your own wishes onto us." 

"Shut up, I don't need no man!" Jinhwan yelped, finally leaving the room with a few more unnecessary growls on the way. Jiwon tried to speak again but Hanbin was disappearing into the bathroom with the clothes, kicking the door shut and Jiwon had no-one to talk to.

He didn't know how he was supposed to feel, not when Hanbin had recovered too quickly after what Jinhwan had said and when he himself wished so, so bad that the elder was right, that they _were_ dating. It was such a terrible thing to think of but he yearned for it like it was all he wanted. 

He didn't even notice Hanbin coming out and slipping his hands into the elder's, holding onto them tight and Jiwon looked at him in surprise. Hanbin only smiled back at him, voice soft as he said, "So, do I look okay?" 

"You...you look perfect," Jiwon said in awe, smiling dopily as he looked Hanbin up and down. He looked so good, with a red dress shirt that matched Jiwon's tie and black skinny jeans. A dark choker laced his neck (which wasn't relevant but Jiwon couldn't help himself), and red pearls decorated his ears. It was something special as much as it was simple and the dimpled smile on Hanbin's face topped it all off. "I'm the best clothes-chooser-thing _ever."_

"You are, I think I actually look _pretty_ cool," Hanbin said proudly, straightening out his cuffs as he let go of Jiwon's hands. Jiwon wished he hadn't. "Still gotta style my hair and stuff if we're going somewhere special."

"Don't, it's nice how it is," Jiwon said truthfully before biting his lip, feeling stressed and Hanbin caught onto it.

"Is anything wro-"

"Why didn't you deny it when Jinhwan-hyung asked if we were dating?"

"Why would that bother you?" Hanbin asked straight away instead of falling silent like Jiwon thought he would, and the elder was the one at a loss for words.

"I just...I...it _didn't_. I'm just wondering because, well, we're not."

"But he was right about something," Hanbin said, raising himself up a little as he took a step forward, so close that Jiwon couldn't breathe, and then he wrapped his arms around Jiwon's neck and let their noses touch. "It _would_ be cute if we were dating."

And it was absolutely awful, the sickeningly radiant hope that bloomed in Jiwon's chest even though he _knew_ that he wasn't one of Hanbin's options and he'd never be, but he couldn't stop it from growing as he gently captured Hanbin's lips in his. Hanbin kissed back slowly, unravelling Jiwon's heart until it was barely holding together anymore but he was more than okay with it.

He'd only not be okay once this illusion faded away from him completely. 

~~~

Dancing was one of Hanbin's specialities and it had been for a long time. It wasn't that he had ever had a specific affinity for it, he just showed up at the wrong first class when he was five and was confused as to why he was being taught step changes instead of karate kicks. But in the end, he liked it too much to drop it so he stuck with it and just forgot all about his short-lived infatuation with martial arts. That could just stay Junhoe's thing, Hanbin didn't need to get in on that. 

Dance became a stress-free extra to his life and Hanbin didn't take it seriously, meaning that he kept on seeing people surpass him and move on but he also never stopped. And as far as dancing for fifteen years goes, Hanbin was pretty incredible now. So it was just a pleasant surprise again when they walked through a humungous building and finally reached a door, and behind it? An incredible room filled with just as incredible people, all there to engage in the art of dance.

"Oh my God," Hanbin gasped quietly in amazement, clutching onto Jiwon's arm tightly before simply hugging it to his chest. "It's so _pretty_ , oh my God...and we're gonna...oh my God-"

"I thought you'd like it, Junhoe told me that you were into dancing and this just seemed too perfect not to slip into a lesson. D'you know what sensuality means?" 

Hanbin tensed up a little but nodded, looking at Jiwon with wide eyes. "Yeah, of course..."

"I thought it could be something for you to get to know better, just for future reference," Jiwon said, pulling his arm out of Hanbin's hold. "We're here at a certain time, it's really late so it's gonna get kinda provocative in here..."

"So like, sexy?"

"God, that word's weird coming from your mouth."

Hanbin grinned before resting a hand on Jiwon's shoulder, pulling himself up to whisper, "I can do sexy if you want me to."

Jiwon scrunched up his nose, pushing Hanbin's snickering face away from him before grabbing his hand. "It's not really _sexy_ per se anyway, we're not quite at a club. Just, intimate. But come on, let's get some drinks, I'm so thirsty." 

"How, I kissed you like a billion times at my dorm?"

Jiwon almost choked, spluttering out, "Not thirsty like, like _that_ -"

"Sure," Hanbin said brightly, smiling at Jiwon too innocently for his devilish ways and Jiwon wanted to punch him so hard that he'd see stars or kiss him, well, so hard that he'd see stars. Yet Jiwon just growled silently and dragged Hanbin towards the refreshment table, but then the younger went and kissed their intertwined hands which _did_ soften him up a little.

"You're cute, hyung."

"Yeah, well, you're blind," Jiwon sighed wearily though Hanbin squeezed his hand and grinned, knowing instantly that he had made Jiwon smile too.

~~~

Hanbin didn't quite know what had happened.

One moment, they had entered the dance floor after two drinks and met halfway almost right before the next song started, leaving a small window of time for Hanbin to lightly rest his hand on Jiwon's back while the latter laid one on Hanbin's shoulder hesitantly. He had seemed almost nervous at the start like he regretted everything but all Hanbin had to say was "If I put my hand on your waist, would you kick me into oblivion?" for Jiwon to relax and even laugh a little.

"Nah. You're leading, anyway."

"I _am_ ," Hanbin said happily, looking far too hyped and Jiwon docked his forehead.

"Don't be weird about it."

"I'm not! I'm the unweirdest, don't call me weird, that's a false." 

"I'd advise you to stop talking."

"You know, that's good advice."

Jiwon rolled his eyes amusedly but they widened when the music started and Hanbin instantly pulled him in close while acting like it was absolutely nothing out of the ordinary. And Hanbin guessed that that was where it all started because he wanted more in an instant, and he didn't know anymore if it was just the dancer inside him speaking or if he just wanted _Jiwon_ , wanted to feel all of him to the point where he couldn't think anymore. Only a short amount of time had passed but Hanbin suddenly felt so strong as their bodies almost touched as they moved, somehow, in sync.

"Y-You're too good at this," Jiwon just about managed to say, almost struggling for air as each dance move left him breathless for a moment and it wasn't even that taxing, it was just so strange. They couldn't call what they were doing dancing, not when Hanbin was so easily moving like the epitome of elegance and Jiwon was just pretending like he could follow. Hanbin raised an eyebrow at him but his eyes were sparkling all the same. "I'm so glad the lights are low. I'm a freaking mess."

"Maybe my opinion doesn't matter, but I think you're beautiful right now," Hanbin said and his voice sounded so sincere, like he actually thought that. And that was a second turning point as Jiwon smiled shyly and burst into laughter when he let Hanbin twirl him around then back into his chest. "See? You're the most graceful swan."

"Ugh, shut up. Why do I always let you ruin my image?"

Hanbin shrugged nonchalantly, swiping his tongue over his lips as he looked down and adjusted their position a little. Jiwon felt enamoured as he looked at the other and just followed whatever he was doing, and that was the third turning point because in a blink of an eye (or after a few minutes and a build-up in the songs they were dancing to), they were breaking into perfect harmony. Hanbin's fingers dug into the elder's hip as Jiwon rested his head in the crook of his neck and groaned softly when Hanbin ran his other hand down his side. They couldn't even speak anymore because of how ragged their breathing had got.

Yep, Hanbin really didn't know how all of that had just happened.

"H-How long...how long have we been dancing?"

"No idea," Hanbin breathed out almost inaudibly. "I really hope people aren't staring."

"Oh hell no, some people do far worse."

Hanbin let out a raspy, surprised laugh as Jiwon brought his head back up and let out a deep breath, shaking his head. And then they both looked at each other, properly stared for the first time that night at the sweat-slicked skin, mussed-up hair and hazed expressions. Hanbin was the first to blink away the daze as he gave Jiwon a certain look and the elder furrowed his eyebrows in confusion when he noticed it. "What are you gon- wait, woah, _woah_ , NO-"

Hanbin had swept Jiwon into a low dip and kept him there instead of pulling him straight up, smiling cheekily while Jiwon clutched onto him as tightly as he could. "Hanbin...Hanbin, honey, do you know how close my body is to the floor right now, do you fucking _know_ -"

"Oh come on, I've never had anyone do it to me before but I'm sure it's not that bad," Hanbin said with a smirk and Jiwon had never felt more betrayed.

"You're a fucking sadist."

"Hyung, stop swearing already, you're fine-"

"Oh my _God_ , I can already feel the blood rushing to my head- fainting occurring in one, two-"

"You suck, that could've been so great," Hanbin grumbled as he pulled a very dazed Jiwon back up. "Dream-ruiner."

"Sorry," Jiwon said a little dizzily, giving Hanbin a sloppy peck on the cheek. "Very sorry. Don't hate me."

"I don't," Hanbin murmured, heat rising to his face as well as a smile when Jiwon closed his eyes and made their foreheads rest against each other. Hanbin analysed him, realising that he didn't seem that tired but maybe a little out of his comfort zone. "Maybe we should stop." 

"No...no, I don't want to..."

Hanbin's eyebrows raised in surprise before Jiwon opened his eyes and gave him a bright, toothy smile. "Doll." 

"Yeah?" 

"I'm just saying. You're a doll. You're my doll."

Hanbin's heart lifted and for once, he wasn't ready with a witty remark or a whine of complaint because of the cheesiness. He just felt out of breath as goosebumps rose on his skin which felt more sensitive than it had ever been. And by the time he recovered, it was too late; the moment had passed and Jiwon didn't look like he wanted to dance anymore.

~~~

Hanbin and Jiwon decided to make their way to one of the restrooms to cool off afterwards, feeling far too warm with all the other people there in the room adding to the heat.

"Wow, wasn't that just great?" Jiwon asked with a grin, messing with his hair as he looked in the restroom's mirror and Hanbin felt glad that he was okay. He had been worried for a moment. "It felt so _good_ , now I just wanna-" 

Jiwon froze when his eyes fell onto Hanbin and his jaw dropped a little. The younger was unbuttoning his shirt, stopping halfway and it slipped past one of his shoulders revealing milky skin and a large, elegant tattoo sketched into him. The boy closed his eyes, breathing slowly but heavily as he tilted his head back and rested his palms gently against the taps counter in front of them; his skin simply glowed with sweat and sheer _brilliance_ , so erotically beautiful that Jiwon couldn't help himself when he moved up behind Hanbin and wrapped his arms around the younger's waist, watching curiously as Hanbin stiffened.

"You were amazing on the dance floor," Jiwon whispered, husky on purpose so more of his breath would hit Hanbin and the younger shivered a little, nodding quickly before he started to move, murmuring, "I-I gotta wash my face-"

"No, wait," Jiwon said, still curious as he tugged Hanbin back and the younger didn't put up much of a fight, only closing his eyes again. Jiwon swallowed as he looked at Hanbin from behind, just staring for a moment before he _so_ lightly pressed his lips to Hanbin's neck and the sharp intake of breath that he got in return answered his curiosities. 

"What's got you so sensitive, baby?" Jiwon hummed, kissing the same place before hissing softly at the heat of his skin. "You're _burning_ hot."

Hanbin couldn't answer and Jiwon flicked his eyes to the bathroom mirror, watching the way Hanbin's lips were licked pink with his bottom one caught between his teeth, eyebrows drawn together and his hands digging _hard_ into the counter. Jiwon winced, trying his best to fight the wave of arousal crashing into him but he wasn't strong enough this time as his lips pressed deeper into Hanbin's neck, moving further and further down as he gently kneaded the skin and Hanbin turned into jelly in his arms, subconsciously angling his neck more towards Jiwon's mouth as soft moans left his own.

"So pretty," Jiwon mumbled breathily as he slowly slipped his hands under the hem of Hanbin's pants, smirking a little at the scandalised gasp that left the younger's mouth which only melted into a low rasp when Jiwon nipped lightly at his neck. His hands didn't wander any further down, only massaging the scalding skin under the hem but it was more than enough to make Hanbin whimper sharply, tipping his head back against Jiwon's shoulder. "So fucking sensitive...you're so precious."

Hanbin whined softly at the praise, looking up at Jiwon with wide, desiring eyes and Jiwon gulped, muttering a squeaky 'shit' and that was all it took before Hanbin spun around and pushed Jiwon into one of the cubicles without giving him a second of warning.

"K-Kiss me- _fuck_ -please," Jiwon implored breathily, cursing involuntarily when Hanbin shoved him against the flimsy wall on the side of the cubicle which shook a little. Hanbin still looked as glowing and taken as before but his eyes now held fire, raking over Jiwon shamelessly and the elder felt so oddly helpless under his gaze. It was such a foreign feeling and he pushed himself upwards a tiny bit to feel more present, latching a hand onto Hanbin's shirt. "Please, Bin-" 

"Why do you have to ask," Hanbin asked in a hushed voice, tilting his head innocently to the side as he leant right up into Jiwon's space, "when you can come get it?"

Jiwon didn't think when he instantly surged forward to get to Hanbin's lips but he whined brokenly when Hanbin leant out of his reach just in time, holding him down strong enough that Jiwon couldn't easily break out of the grasp to try again. "You mean _fucker_ -" 

"Oh, I'm _so_ sorry, I really am," Hanbin murmured honey-sweetly, pressing a decisive hand into Jiwon's chest while the elder only glared at him. "You tease me all the time, it's my turn."

"What?! No, I do _not_ , you egg, I always let you take fucking control-" Jiwon dissolved when Hanbin finally let their lips touch. It was the most familiar thing in the world now, with Jiwon's hands reaching out to grab Hanbin's hips while Hanbin's went up to entangle itself in Jiwon's hair, tugging on the soft strands gently as they curled around his fingers.

"You...really like to...swear when you get heated," Hanbin panted through kisses, not letting Jiwon's tongue get past his lips. "You should really clean that mouth out, hyung.” 

"Clean it for me," Jiwon suggested with a smirk that raised even more goosebumps on Hanbin's arms, "if you remember anything about last time." 

"I hate you, Kim Jiwon, I really do," Hanbin sighed heavily as he pulled back completely, breathing through his nose. "You're so...we need to go home. It's so late."

"Okay, we can go," Jiwon said flippantly even though he clearly remembered just how sensitive Hanbin was feeling and decided to unbutton the younger's shirt completely (there weren't that many buttons left to go anyway). Hanbin let out a sharp gasp as the cool air hit the rest of his bare torso but it was a complete 180 when Jiwon's warm solid hands rested on his chest, running up and down lightly and Hanbin was really out of his mind as he reached out to guide Jiwon's hands lower. Jiwon looked at him in surprise and stilled, not letting Hanbin move him. "Fuck...I _was_ trying to teach you sensuality today but, I didn't think it would get you this turned on, I didn't think things would turn out like _this_. I didn't even plan for a single kiss."

"You did well, hyung, I'm feeling hella sensual," Hanbin whispered lowly, looping his arms around Jiwon's neck to pull them closer. Jiwon regarded him with amusement, trailing kisses only down Hanbin's collarbone (he didn't dare go any further but the sweet moans he kept hearing were telling him otherwise) before he stopped, not suddenly but he just detached his lips and continued dancing his fingers across Hanbin's torso.

"You still wanna go?"

"W-We should," Hanbin breathed out almost painfully, his eyes half-shut and hands trembling where they lay on the nape on Jiwon's neck. It was hard, sometimes, for Jiwon to remember that Hanbin was _not_ a pro at this. "I'm...tired."

"Alright then," Jiwon said softly, leaning back but then Hanbin gathered him up into his arms to kiss the elder lightly, a tranquil, close-mouthed kiss to cool them down. Hanbin's tension visibly disappeared during it while Jiwon felt like he was floating, sighing a muffled breath every now and then. They kept on kissing as Jiwon started buttoning up Hanbin's shirt, his fingers quick and knowing before he pulled away and smoothed the shirt down. "Let's go, doll."

Hanbin nodded, looking dazed now and Jiwon linked an arm with his before pushing the door open and looking left to right. They were too lucky that it seemed that no-one had come in while they were there.

"God's sake, I look like a hot mess," Hanbin laughed hoarsely as he checked his appearance in the mirror, tugging on his shirt collar while Jiwon only stared wide-eyed at his own reflection.

"How the fuck do you have the ability to mess my hair up _this_ much?"

"Yep, definitely didn't clean out your mouth well enough," Hanbin muttered teasingly under his breath which only got him an annoyed grumble in return, but Hanbin felt too happy to let anything affect him. His heartbeat had slowed down considerably now but it still skipped a beat, no matter how cliché, when Jiwon looked at him through the mirror. His eyes were soft, his lips were curled up into a gentle, almost-smile, and he looked like a fallen angel with his dark clothing paired with the bright lights illuminating the room. Then he held out his arm, and Hanbin snapped out of his trance.

"Should we leave?"

"Okay," Hanbin agreed, letting Jiwon envelop his hand with his warm fingers and he held on tight. So tight that Hanbin probably wouldn't be able to let go if he tried and he didn't want to. He never wanted to.

And he was starting to realise that he didn't know what this all meant.


	17. junhoe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is an extra chapter of sorts, and junhoe-centred! he's a super important guy and i really thought he deserved his own chapter so get ready for junbob and junhwan and junbin and typical junhoe. also happy 3rd ikon anniversary everyoneeee, it's not quite there yet where I live but I'm still just as hyped 
> 
> after this chapter, I'm afraid you can expect much slower updates :') work and school is killing me and this is the last of my chapters that are pre-written. but this is actually my favourite chapter of this entire story yet 
> 
> have a nice day!!

Junhoe was an odd specimen and everyone knew that. Hanbin had him almost completely figured out but all the others found him strange, as if he had a million different sides to him that were just as confusing as the last and maybe that was true. He was intricate and special in ways, sometimes he was picky and sometimes he'd go for something right away, sometimes he'd rise to a challenge and sometimes he wouldn't bother trying. He lived for himself but still helped others in some way. He stayed in the moment but still hovered over the past.

Junhoe was intriguing, but untouchable. And because of that reason, he had never had someone try so hard to be his friend until Jiwon came into his life.

"Junhoe, we need to talk," Jiwon said frantically the instant he entered the younger's dorm the next morning and slammed the door shut. Junhoe from the kitchen replied calmly, "Well, I'd expect so, how are we gonna smother our lives in frosting through _silence?"_

"We probably could."

"Point taken."

Junhoe was sitting cross-legged on the counter while eating something straight out of the tub when Jiwon walked into the kitchen. Jiwon regarded him with suspicion while Junhoe stared back blankly. "What?"

"Did you start without me?"

"Of course not, this is from last time. I'm not a monster."

Jiwon nodded in satisfaction as he shrugged his bag off of his shoulder, setting it on the left counter and taking out his containers filled with baked goods while Junhoe looked at him a little sulkily, shoving a spoonful of vanilla into his mouth. "I'm really miffed that you ditched for Hanbin yesterday."

"Wait, seriously? Ugh, Junhoe, I _said_ I'm sorry-"

"I'd expect _anyone_ to ditch me but you, you've never missed a frosting day!"

"I still haven't, we rescheduled for today!"

"Blasphemy," Junhoe grumbled under his breath, trying to get off of the counter and Jiwon went to help him. "But, I'm also guessing that yesterday is what you want to talk about."

"Kind of...if it makes you feel better, I'll try my best never to ditch you again. I really did feel bad about it," Jiwon said apologetically, trying to give Junhoe the best 'I'm sorry, I should totally absolutely be obliterated' look he could give and he lit up triumphantly when Junhoe gave him a reluctant smile, holding out a spoonful of frosting.

"Peace offering."

Jiwon felt so immensely touched as he ate the frosting, perking up immediately. "Ooh, I loved this one."

"Alright, before we begin, give me the lowdown on your thoughts," Junhoe ordered, patting the counter behind him decisively and Jiwon nodded a little worriedly, leaning back against a cupboard. "Are you dying? Please don't. Is Hanbin dying? Is _Jinhwan_ dying? It's a little morbid but it would still give you a chance-"

Junhoe yelped when Jiwon punched him in the arm. " _Idiot_ , I regret telling you that Jinhwan-hyung's his crush. No-one's dying!"

"No-one? Yunhyeong-hyung is."

" _Stop_ that, he'll be fine. I just...remember when I told you about me and Hanbin's weird arrangement a few days ago?"

"Ew, yeah," Junhoe replied with a grimace, spoon-feeding Jiwon more frosting just to shut him up for a moment. "Makes me weird thinking about it, but completely explains how you fell for him so quickly. But it's _so_ stupid, hyung. It's so goddamn stupid and I don't even know if it's healthy."

"But, it makes me happy...teaching him stuff, being with him. It gives me an excuse."

"It also doesn't help your feelings for him at all. You're gonna get so hurt and I'm scared."

"It's alright because guess what? I'm prepared and braced," Jiwon answered like his heart _wasn't_ falling apart—that should be a new thing. Casual heartbreak. "I know it's gonna happen, but it's worth it."

" _Is_ it though? How do you know that?"

Jiwon shrugged, tapping the counter idly. "Because it just is, I love spending time with him so much. Like oh my God, we had the best time together last night."

Junhoe retched instantly and Jiwon quickly tried to defend himself. "No, not like _that,_ freaking hell—we just went couple dancing."

"Woooow, so my advice was useful?"

"Of course it was, your advice is always useful. Except when it's not."

"Why would you raise my hopes like that-"

"It was incredible, Junhoe, you don't even know how much I loved it," Jiwon sighed, a wistful smile on his lips and Junhoe grabbed the lid of the frosting to fan the elder aggressively with it.

"Stop melting like that, it's _gross._ But I'm glad you had fun."

"He's so good at dancing, and he's just so beautiful. Perfection, Junhoe, _perfection_ is right under my nose but I can't get it."

Junhoe frowned, feeling bad for him but all he could say was, "Hanbin's really not that great."

Jiwon shrugged, staring at the ground and the line pattern which he hadn't really noticed before. "He is to me."

"Okay, before you get all depressed on me, let me show you the new flavours I bought!" Junhoe said excitedly, grabbing Jiwon's hand and racing towards the dining table. Jiwon could only follow him helplessly and try not to trip over every movement of his feet, but they stopped fairly quick enough and Jiwon didn't need to worry anymore.

"So, there are five of these, aaaaall unique and beautiful and I love them so much," Junhoe sniffed, leaning down to hug all the tubs of frosting and Jiwon rolled his eyes amusedly at him, sitting in one of the chairs. "They're all borne from offers or me doing nice things for people and they keep on offering something from their store, tch, they're just gonna get bankrupt that way but it benefits us so I'm all for it."

"How very touching," Jiwon said sincerely (since it wasn't like he _wasn't_ just as crazy about frosting) as he reached out and took one of the tubs, searching for the flavour. "Raspberry meringue... _Jesus,_ Junhoe, where'd you even get these from?"

"I took a lil trip to Daegu a few days ago, wasn't a big deal."

"Just for our frosting?" Jiwon asked in alarm and Junhoe nodded immediately, looking very defensive as he barked, "They have really nice stuff in Daegu, I just wanted to branch out with our options! I'd do it anytime, frosting days are literally the most serious I get about anything, and I _have_ to up my game if I want to cheer you up about Hanbin."

Jiwon shook his head in utter disbelief. "You know what, Koo Junhoe, I might just love you to death."

"You're gonna love me even more when I tell you about what you've got there. So you know meringues?"

"I know meringues."

"Well, when you first open the tub, it's literally complete liquid. But get this, once you blowtorch it, it becomes more solid and almost crispy at the top, like a creme brûlée or like a _meringue,_ and it's literally the best thing you'll ever taste!"

"Holy- HOLY SHIT!" Jiwon yelled, jumping up the instant Junhoe pulled out a blowtorch from a cabinet under the table. "JUNHOE, YOU HAVE A _BLOWTORCH-_ "

"I HAVE A BLOWTORCH!" Junhoe yelled in glee, jumping around in a little circle. "I CAN BURN MY DASTARD ENEMIES AND TURN FROSTING INTO FUCKING MERINGUE! Oh no, I swore, I don't usually do that."

"Who cares, _YOU HAVE A BLOWTORCH-_ "

"I DO!" Junhoe cheered brightly, jumping up a little more before instantly stilling as he raised the blowtorch to the sky as if he was a superhero and that was his weapon. "Jiwon-hyung, I will go burn Jinhwan to a crisp for you so you shall get your damsel. I will avenge. I will _rise._ "

"You're making absolutely no sense and I love it but put down that blowtorch before you actually kill someone."

"I would, if it would make you ha-"

"Burning Jinhwan would do nothing, nothing can do anything," Jiwon sighed, shaking his head as he opened the raspberry meringue frosting and saw the soft pink liquid. "Look at this, Junhoe. These are my feelings for Hanbin, and it doesn't matter if it seems like he's my soulmate or whatnot, I just need to burn them so I can move on and reach where I need to be in life. To become the best meringue I can be."

"You'd be very pretty as a pink meringue," Junhoe said morosely, looking considerably sadder and hopeless and Jiwon smiled a little as he reached over to pat Junhoe's arm.

"So would you."

"Tell me, hyung," Junhoe said, his voice softer as he took a seat opposite Jiwon, "do you love him?"

Jiwon bit his lip, wishing he could drown in all of the tubs of frosting. "I really don't know."

" _I_ love him."

"Junhoe, I don't know how that's relevant-"

"I'm just trying to tell you something. Don't ever tell him that I said that I love him but, we're close, and I've known him for so long. When you get to know someone, you realise what all of their actions mean even when it's subtle. I know you, and it's so clear you're in love. But I know Hanbin too, and I don't think he's in _love_ with Jinhwan. It seems like he loves the dude like I love Hanbin, you know?"

"Wait wait, hold up, go back a bit," Jiwon said confusedly, feeling like he hadn't taken in _anything_ that Junhoe had said. "Can you justify like, any of that?"

"I don't know, it's just a feeling," Junhoe mumbled, looking as worried as if he was releasing top-secret FBI information. "Jinhwan's definitely not in love with him, I think, he's even hit on me before. Jokingly, of course, but it was cringy and I hated it."

Jiwon felt a little pale when he thought back to when Chanwoo said that Jinhwan and Junhoe could end up together. "You...interested?"

"Not really. Don't know the guy."

"You've spoken."

"Yeah, in awkward run-ins and classes where I'm basically forced to speak to him to be polite."

"Okay, forgive me if I'm confused but I don't know how this works. Hanbin's known both of you since forever, so how and why aren't you _all_ close?"

Junhoe looked from left to right before beckoning Jiwon closer, his eyes wide. Jiwon raised an eyebrow but leant in as close as he could, waiting for Junhoe to go on.

"You see...Hanbin's my friend because he's always gone to my school. Jinhwan and Hanbin are friends because their mothers are best friends, and they had play dates all the time. I never bothered to get to know Jinhwan because I didn't have to and I guess that line of thinking has stuck with me. Besides, sometimes it's like he wants to get to know me, someimes he's cool, sometimes it's like he hates me and sometimes it just seems like a competition to see who gets to Hanbin. And Hanbin would always choose him over me, _always_...Jinhwan, he...he seems a little two-faced, to me, I'm sorry for saying that. But I don't want any more friends either way ever, I'm good with how I am."

"Junhoe, you properly accepted me into your life like, four months ago and you were content then too. You didn't need me. And sure, you were cold to me at first but now we've got this far. Why did you agree to hanging out with _me_ more if you won't with other people?"

Junhoe didn't look very bothered by the question, which was strange. "You're just different, I guess."

"No I'm not, we're all humans-"

"There's literally no reason, I just thought that a guy who calls me up at three am when he had six am classes just to desperately blurt out 'we need to hang out more' must  _really_ want to hang out more."

Jiwon instantly flushed a little red, averting his eyes as he muttered, "Shut up. Don't remind me of that."

"You loooooove me," Junhoe teased, poking Jiwon with the end of the spoon and the elder glowered at him as scarily as he could muster. "You think I'm great. And I am great. I'm a _god._ "

"That's not how it works."

"Waiting for feelings to leave when you're head over heels and engaging in a lot of intimate relations with said person is not how it works either," Junhoe replied casually and Jiwon winced, feeling like he had been shot straight through the heart.

"That was the touchést touché _ever._ "

"Your face is touché."

"Touché."

"Maybe touché can be our always."

"Shut up."

Junhoe only grinned in reply as he pulled out the blowtorch again at lightning speed and Jiwon almost screamed. "Time to scorch some bitches. And by that, I mean beautifully hand-frosted-by-us cupcakes, let's go!"

Jiwon nodded happily and then they were off, ready to revel in another iconic frosting day. And it was only later on in the day when he was eating some chocolate hazelnut frosting and staring a little sadly into space when Junhoe came up to him and whispered, "You believe in God, and they say He always does things for a reason. I believe in fate, and fate made you fall in love. And then there's always logic which deems you and Hanbin perfect for each other down to a t, and intuition which got you into this mess in the first place and it'll get you out. You'll be okay."

Jiwon had to wait until Junhoe left before he could even breathe again.

~~~

**you**  
_you know what junhoe is? a gem. try harder, you spineless swine_

**nanonani**  
_okay you what now_

**you**  
_be his friend. I didn't care this much but now I care because I'm not worthy enough to have him as a friend_

**nanonani**  
_you're not making any more sense than you did the first time_

**you**  
_great. be his friend_

 **nanonani**  
_aren't I already his friend?_

**you**  
_pffffffft 'aReN't I aLrEaDy hIs fRiEnD?' he says_

**you**  
_and let me change my command. be fuxking nicer to him_

**nanonani**  
_where the hell is this coming from?_

**you**  
_hanbin's great. but so is junhoe, and you never got to know that because you've been giving the dude a bad impression your entire life_

**you**  
_he thinks you're two-faced. I'm not surprised_

**you**  
_don't treat hanbin as a prize. it's not some competition between you and junhoe for the best friend spot_

**you**  
_besides you've got it already. you and hanbin are close as heck and stay that way because NO-ONE is taking junhoe away from me, he's my best friend now and anyone else has lost their chance_

**you**  
_don't confuse him. you're a very confusing person in general so I get it but he's a sweet kid_

**nanonani**  
_I know_

**you**  
_do you know how upset it made me feel that he thinks even a little bit lowly of you? I wanted to fight him for a moment but then I didn't because he's kind of justified_

**you**  
_gnani releASE YOUR CHARMS ALREADY_

**nanonani**  
_I really didn't know that you liked junhoe this much. I thought you two were distant_

**you**  
_he's my rock shut your mouth_

**you**  
_jesus i see him across the corridor abort mission JUST BE NICER AND NO COMPETITION_

**nanonani**  
_you're a mystery ji, I would never think it but you're probably the nicest person I know_

**you**  
_IF YOU'RE EVER MEAN TO HIM I'LL FUCKING RIP YOUR FACE OFF OKAY BYE_

 **nanonani**  
_well then_

~~~

"Have you ever thought about getting a roommate?"

"Wait, you want to room with me?" Junhoe asked in surprise, giving Jiwon a look. "Why? Your apartment's great and I just live in a dorm-"

"Yeah, but I don't mean _me._ I know I visit a lot but still, I don't want you to be lonely. You don't really make a lot of friends and you barely even talk to the ones you have. Apart from me."

Junhoe frowned a little, shaking his head. "But I'm perfectly fine with that. It's how I wanna live my life, because I'm not good with people. I don't like the majority of them."

"I get that," Jiwon sighed, "and I don't want to push you. You know I don't."

"Yeah."

"If you need anyone then I'm here but...what if I'm _not,_ what if I can't be?"

"Then I'll look after myself. That's what I've been doing for years," Junhoe replied curtly, staring straight ahead while Jiwon looked at him worriedly, not satisfied with that answer at all. But all he could do was drop it as they reached the common room and Junhoe stood there, waiting for Jiwon to go in so he could leave.

"I know that it seems like all I care about is Hanbin and my feelings for him," Jiwon said hesitantly, carefully guising Junhoe's reaction, "but that's not true, and I don't want this to be one-sided. You can tell me things that bother you too, if you want."

Junhoe swallowed, feeling so out of place, out of context. "Hyung, I don't...I really don't know how this works. I've never really properly had a...'best friend' before, if that's even what we _are._ I don't know what's right or wrong, I just wanna help you and make you happy."

"See, that's exactly it! I also want to help _you_ and make _you_ happy—I've never had a proper best friend either but I guess that's how it works, having mutual goals. We can do this."

"This is so strange, just leave already," Junhoe groaned, pulling one of the doors open and Jiwon snorted as he went through it while sending Junhoe one final salute.

"I'll see you!"

"Yeah, okay."

Then Junhoe closed the door and Jiwon was officially gone. He was now free to leave and he did, walking off and all he could hear in the quiet of the almost-night was his own footsteps- wait, were they doubling up? Was someone else coming after him, or was he just hearing things...it was probably the second one. He had once thought that Brad Pitt had come to him in a grade five maths class and he said (in _perfect_ Korean, it was incredible) that numbers were for simpletons. Junhoe had said 'but I am a simpleton, Brad Pitt' and Brad Pitt had face-palmed before disappearing in a mist of pink smoke. Junhoe started liking the colour pink after that day.

But the footsteps started getting more out of sync with his and eventually, a hand tapped his shoulder and Junhoe instantly jerked away without feeling that surprised. "Don't touch me."

"Oh shi- I'm sorry. I didn't mean...sorry."

Junhoe instantly recognised the voice and he closed his eyes in annoyance before opening them and turning around. "Jinhwan."

"Hey," Jinhwan said, smiling at the fact that Junhoe had acknowledged him when in all truth, Junhoe wanted to be anywhere but there. "You going to the dorms?"

"Clearly."

"Can I come with?"

"If you wish."

Jinhwan grinned happily before rushing to catch up with the younger who had already started walking again. "You talk funny, like you're way older than you are."

"Not without exception. Only when I'm immensely unbothered with what I'm doing."

"Oh," Jinhwan replied, not really sure what else to say. Junhoe spared him one scrutinising glance before looking ahead again and turning the corner. Jinhwan almost walked straight into the wall instead but he scrabbled to follow Junhoe, feeling a little overwhelmed. "Hey, could you...walk a little slower?"

Junhoe had to bite back a grumble of 'I didn't _ask_ you to walk with me, midget' but he slowed down. Jinhwan seemed satisfied but he was still ready with something else to say, and Junhoe was almost already sick of his voice. "Why have you been talking to me less in our classes?"

"We never talked that much."

"Maybe so, but we still _did._ We've talked, we've laughed. I thought that maybe you didn't mind me that much, and..."

"And what? You thought you were special since I usually seem to 'mind' most people?" Junhoe asked with irritation lacing his tone and Jinhwan nodded warily.

"I-I don't mean that in a bad way or anything, I just thought we were-"

"Okay, newsflash, shortcake, we are _not_ friends," Junhoe growled as he stopped to whirl on Jinhwan who stared back at him in shock. "I just talk to you because you're older and I need to be polite but to be honest, I'm really not a big fan of you."

"What...what the hell have I _ever_ done to you?" Jinhwan asked confusedly, his voice raising a little but the fierce, sharp-edged glare that Junhoe sent him made the short-lived anger crumple in his throat.

"What have you ever done to me, hm? Did you know that until recently, Hanbin was pretty much the only friend I ever had because I was closed-off, people barely liked me, I was just that emo kid who was angry at everything? But Hanbin accepted me for who I was and I really liked him, and he actually liked me too. But how do you think I felt when everytime we hung out, all it would take was one call from you for him to drop everything and everyone for you, including me? I could call Hanbin my best friend but I'd never be his because that was _you,_ it would _always_ be you. One minute, I'd have an amazing friend and the next, I'd have nobody. I had no-one growing up, my family didn't understand anything and it was like everytime you found out that I was with Hanbin, you'd whisk him away just like that with your pixie charm. And now I know that you've had Jiwon-hyung and Donghyuk and Yunhyeong-hyung this entire time too?! It's bullshit. I could hate you but I don't, you just make so _angry._ Maybe I just wish that I have what you do, friends, likeability, an apparently nice personality but I don't really feel jealous at all. I've lied to Hanbin before, told him that I want to be friends with you just so things don't get complicated but let me be the first person to say this to you - _I don't like you._ "

Jinhwan was staring at him with wide eyes which held some shine, hurt swimming in them and that made Junhoe feel good for a moment because he _wanted_ him to hurt, he _wanted_ the guy with the perfect life to know that there was someone who didn't appreciate him.

"Oh, and one more thing - I had the biggest fucking crush on you when I was thirteen, I thought you were beautiful, and nice, and fun even though I didn't talk to you that much. But then on my birthday, all I wanted to do was spend the day with Hanbin and then I get a text that you got bad grades and Hanbin was going to stay and comfort you. He didn't even sound like he remembered what day it was. And then it just hit me like, _wow._ Compared to you, I was just as unimportant as a white colouring pencil and nothing mattered, not even my birthday. That was when my crush and liking for you completely shrivelled up and don't you _dare_ bring it up again, I'd never be into you anymore."

"Junhoe, none of that's my fault-"

"Oh, of _course_ it's not your fault, of _course_ you'd say that and maybe it isn't. But I've completely written you off as ever meaning anything to me so just keep to yourself and I'll do the same thing. Are we clear? I don't care if we're not. I'm leaving."

Junhoe instantly turned around and started moving, almost rage-walking as he didn't bother checking if Jinhwan was following him. But he slowed down a considerable amount as he got out his phone and texted Jiwon. He needed someone.

**you**  
_hey hyung when you're done can you come to my dorm_

 **kiji**  
_OH MY GOD WHAT'S WRONG WHAT HAPPENED WHERE'S THE FIRE WHO DIED_

**you**  
_what the heck_

 **kiji**  
_just lET me be worried okay, you never need me and I'm short-circUITing_

**you**  
_you're so weird but can you?_

 **kiji**  
_oh shit oh shizzles oh no_

**kiji**  
_I was gonna meet up with Hanbin tonight oh nooooo_

Junhoe could have nearly cried and it wasn't just because Jiwon wasn't coming since he wasn't so sensitive that he'd cry over that. It was just happening again, he was being left behind for someone else because he was never someone's first option. Never.

**you**  
_that's cool. i'll see you whenever i see you_

 **kiji**  
_nO NO I'LL COME I'M SURE HANBIN WON'T MIND_

**you**  
_what? but what if he does?_

 **kiji**  
_who cares you're my bro and I love you, bros before hoes, Junhoe do you not knOW this_

 **kiji**  
_I mean, not that Hanbin's my hoe_

**you**  
_mhm_

 **kiji**  
_shut up you know what I mean_

 **kiji**  
_if he minds then I'll tell him that I'm with you, and if he still minds then fuck him. look, new best friend code - ditch anyone else for each other, yeah!_

**you**  
_wooow_

 **kiji**  
_I'm kiddinggg. just hang in there I'm coming I promise i love you you'll be okay!_

**you**  
_stop telling me you love me!! the lack of commas is terrifying, and you don't even know what's wrong yet_

 **kiji**  
_but I still know that something's up because you NEED someone, and I'm going to be that someone! I feel rather chuffed, you know_

**you**  
_aw_

**you**  
_finish your work before you come_

 **kiji**  
_AWWW BUT MOOOOM I WANNA GO PLAY_

**you**  
_sON NO go work_

 **kiji**  
_okay okay okay, take it easy and don't drink or eat your feelings. I'll come in ten minutes after making sure that Hanbin doesn't end up going to my apartment and stand knocking for hours_

 **kiji**  
_I feel like he's the type of person who'd do that_

**you**  
_he definitely is, it's rather sad really_

 **kiji**  
_indeed. I have absolutely no idea what I see in him_

**you**  
_AHEM that's what I've been teLLING you this entire time_

 **kiji**  
_I know smh_

**you**  
_excessive smh_

 **kiji**  
_see you soon!!_

**you**  
_yeah okay_

Then Junhoe turned his phone off and put in his pocket, smiling a little while feeling very unsure that the whole encounter had actually just happened. Did someone...actually just choose _him?_ That never happened. He was only supposed to be an extra, someone who was never the top option and maybe not even considered as a choice in the first place. But here was someone he had never considered in his simple, detached equation of life. Kim Jiwon, the nice, cool weirdo who fell in love with people he didn't think he had a shot with. But he did. Junhoe _knew_ that Jiwon and Hanbin would be the most perfect couple ever, and it was the most annoying thing that Jinhwan had to be in the way. Again.

Even as he thought that, he was still so happy that he barely even minded when he got a call of 'Junhoe!' Wow, Jinhwan sure took his sweet time if he was going to come back.

"Shortcake, I thought I'd have scared you off _forever_ by now," Junhoe groaned, turning around slowly and raising an eyebrow at Jinhwan who looked very determined.

"Don't call me shortcake-"

"I'll call you whatever I want-"

"I don't want you to hate me."

"I don't. I said that I don't."

"Okay, but you dislike me. That's just as bad."

"Jesus, get _over_ yourself," Junhoe sighed, rolling his eyes as he crossed his arms. "Everyone can't like you, okay? Don't be one of those gross people who go like 'no, I'm gonna make it my goal for you to like me because everyone likes me and I'll implode if there's one exception!'"

"My voice does _not_ sound like that."

"I'll have you know that it does."

"Look, Junhoe, I like you."

"Well, that's very nice of you but I'm afraid it's unrequited like. Don't go getting Hanahaki disease now, sweetheart."

"Wait, Hanahaki...do you read fan fiction?"

Junhoe stared at Jinhwan in surprise. "Do _you?"_

"Okay, this is an odd thing to find that we have in common."

"Ugh, shush, stop trying to become my friend. I have all the friends I need."

"Let me be one of them."

"Ew, no."

Jinhwan was the epitome of a sad emoji, his face completely drooping and Junhoe felt so tired of this. Believe it or not, he didn't really want to milk making someone upset and Jinhwan obviously wasn't _that_ bad if Hanbin and Jiwon liked him so much. Junhoe just...couldn't bring himself to do the same. He wanted Jinhwan to accept that and not feel too bad about it.

"I'm gonna go now," Junhoe said, actually sending Jinhwan a smile which seemed to surprise the elder a lot. "Have a nice night."

"Junhoe-yah, I'm sorry for everything," Jinhwan murmured, his voice soft and so candy-sweet with his face downcast. Junhoe actually felt goosebumps rise on his skin and he wondered if Jinhwan's voice was cloying like the type that you'd get sick of easily, or if it was set like a perfect melody you could listen to forever. "I never meant to take Hanbin all for myself, I really didn't. I'm sorry for not properly seeing that you were there too."

"I don't accept the apology, sorry. Doesn't sound sincere and you didn't word it right," Junhoe said nonchalantly and Jinhwan's face fell.

"Then how am I supposed to-"

"But I'm glad we had this talk. You coming to the dorms or what, shortcake?"

"O-Oh, yeah," Jinhwan said in a wobbly voice and Junhoe nodded, turning around once more to start walking and he could hear Jinhwan following him, keeping a wary distance. "You know...shortcake is kind of a cute nickname—not saying it's accurate! But cute."

"Oh _heaven_ forbid," Junhoe teased, rolling his eyes. "Think of it that way if it'll make you happy."

"It kinda does-"

"Still don't care!"

"Fine..."

Junhoe wasn't slowing down at all but Jinhwan really seemed to be making an effort to keep up with him. It was almost endearing in a way, it reminded Junhoe of his dog, but Jinhwan was in _no_ way as cute as a dog.

"This is your dorm, right?" Junhoe asked as he stopped by a door and Jinhwan blinked in confusion, slowly getting his key out.

"How do you know that?"

"You live with one of my...friends. I'd know."

"Ah," Jinhwan nodded as he pushed the key through the door and got it open, about to disappear behind it but before he could, a soft, "Hey," stopped him dead.

"All these years we've known of each other, have you ever thought of trying to be my friend?"

Jinhwan didn't reply, his mouth open like he really wanted to but his silence was already answer enough. And Junhoe was just about to turn and leave when a bright voice yelled behind Jinhwan. "JUNHOEEEE!"

"Hey!" Junhoe replied only a little less enthusiastically as Hanbin made his way over to them. "You good?"

"Ooh, I'm great. Except for the fact that Jiwon-hyung's ditching me for you," Hanbin grumbled mockingly, poking Junhoe's arm while the younger's eyes widened.

"Oh _yeah_...wait, I should tell him that he doesn't need to anymo-"

"From what I know, he's already planning for both of you to spend the night binging on food and yelling at corny movies. Tch, boys."

Junhoe couldn't stop smiling at the thought of that, it sounded perfect. "You're a guy too."

"Oh come _on,_ you've got more testosterone yourself than me and Jinhwan-hyung combined."

Junhoe eyed Jinhwan which actually made the latter blush a little. "Yeah, true. Anyway I gotta go 'cause Jiwon-hyung doesn't have a key and he might just punch the door in."

"He would-"

"No-one asked you," Junhoe said with a subtly evil smile, patting Jinhwan's head without looking and the elder glowered at him, silently festering in anger. Hanbin looked between them a little curiously. "Right, bye."

"See you!"

Junhoe nodded and went on his way, pulling his own dorm key out of his pocket before twirling it in his fingers. He felt calm, almost, even though underneath that was still the overwhelming rage that had fuelled his outburst earlier. He felt vulnerable and stupid for exploding like that because now the jerk knew everything he had always felt, even knew about that idiotic crush. But he couldn't help but feel lighter, and a tiny bit content. Now there was literally nothing he had left to hide, and it felt great.

~~~

 **unknown number**  
_I've always been bad at emotions_

 **unknown number**  
_but my heart did really break when you said that you've written me off completely_

**unknown number**  
_don't_

 **oh look it's shortcake**  
_I'll work this out somehow, I'll make you forgive me 'cause I want you to )):_

 **oh look it's shortcake**  
_please don't shut me out I'm going to try my best_

**you**  
_fuck you jinhwan. go back to the ugly biscuit tin you came from_

 


	18. galaxy

Late nights would always be Hanbin's thing.

He could feel his life sapping away slowly the more time went by, and nowadays he was staying up late more for the sole sake of it than to finish off work or study for finals. He knew it, now, that he wasn't winning all of his races against the world anymore. Once upon a time, he was a boy who knew himself inside-out, knew what he was going to do with his life, knew who he was in love with, knew where the finish line was. Now he was falling behind but the time wouldn't stop ticking, leaving the time-bomb fit to burst the weaker he got.

Once upon a time, he was barely winning. Now he was barely keeping on the right track.

Late nights meant serenity and ignorance. Hanbin hadn't turned his phone on in a good five hours so anyone could have tried to contact him, but he didn't care. He just had one hand though his hair, one hand around a soda can, and his eyes downcast as he tried not to think about anything. But that never worked.

Jinhwan was just in the other room, beautiful and calm and hopefully asleep. Hanbin had seen the elder off before he slept, kissed his forehead before he went off to dreamland.

And Jiwon was just a floor down at Junhoe's dorm, making pizza and yelling nonsense and laughing with that amazing laugh that Hanbin loved, even if he couldn't hear it. He shouldn't love it so much, but Jiwon had become so incredibly special to Hanbin in the past few months that he couldn't help it.

Two options.

Why were there suddenly two, when Hanbin wished there would just be none?

Nothing made sense.

He jolted when there was a long, mournful whine of 'Hanbiiiiiiiiiiin' from the other room followed by stumbling footsteps and Hanbin had to clutch onto the table to stop himself from laughing.

"What, hyung?"

"Well, for, for one thing...Yunhyeong's better. He's coming in tomorrow."

Hanbin grinned, his mood instantly lifting a little at the news. "That's great."

"And he's clearly coming back with a bang because he sent an email throughout the entire school system that he's having a party this Saturday. I actually can't with him."

"Oh my _God,_ my first uni party," Hanbin gasped, eyes wide as Jinhwan looked at him with unimpressed raised eyebrows. "I'm gonna scream karaoke like a king and I'm gonna ace all the games and I'm gonna eat tons of food-"

"What do you think people do at adult parties?"

"I actually have no idea. Talking about things I don't know, why are you here?"

"Can't stay asleep. You sleep, then I'll try," Jinhwan muttered, amused at the change of topic and Hanbin snorted a little, feeling instantly soothed when he felt soft hands on his shoulders, thumbs rubbing circles into them gently. "Deal?"

"No deal. I'm not sleepy."

Jinhwan frowned, letting out a huff of annoyance in reply and Hanbin grinned, raising a hand behind him to rest over one of Jinhwan's. "What's keeping you up?"

"Quite a few things, but, mostly Junhoe. Ugh, the little _bugger,_ you know we sit next to each other in Organic Chemistry and today he made a barrier between us with books? He hates me. He hates me to death."

Hanbin shook his head, more amused than anything because even though he was confused as to why Junhoe was acting so weird towards Jinhwan, it wasn't that uncharacteristic of the frost giant either. "I'm sure that's not true-"

"Hanbin, he _outright_ said to me that he doesn't like me."

"Wait...what? When?"

Jinhwan didn't answer straight away, only letting go of Hanbin and pulling out the seat from next to the younger, sitting down in it heavily. Their shoulders brushed and they were so close but Hanbin didn't need to ignore any fuzzy, uprising feelings filling him from the contact because there weren't any. But Jinhwan looked upset, exasperation and weariness set clear in his face and Hanbin didn't like it one bit. Junhoe was the cause of this, really?

"Am I selfish?" Jinhwan asked completely out of the blue and Hanbin instantly shook his head, purely shocked by the question.

"How could you even-"

"Do you prioritise me?" Jinhwan questioned, turning to face Hanbin who froze up, wide-eyed and confused. "Have you always put me above everyone else? Your other friends? Over Junhoe?"

Hanbin swallowed, averting his eyes to the ground but he could still feel Jinhwan's gaze pressing into him insistently. "I...you're my best friend, hyung."

"Wasn't Junhoe one of your best friends too, while we were growing up?"

"Of course he was. But he never showed when he needed me. He seemed like he had the world in his hands and he seemed so strong and it was really hard to be there for someone like that and to be honest with you, I would've spent my whole life breaking him down to get him to depend on me. I still regret not doing that, but I didn't because of you. You needed a friend too, you needed me, and I couldn't put all my effort and heart in one place. You and Junhoe are both polar opposites, and it was always obvious when you wanted me...I guess I just found it easier being your best friend, being with you. Things just turned out that way but it's not like I meant it."

"Hey, I didn't start this to make you feel bad," Jinhwan said apologetically, taking Hanbin's hand and holding on tight. "He does depend on you, he loves you. You've been there for him because you're amazing, and the only times you weren't were because of...me."

"Okay, what the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"All these years, I've always stolen you from him. I've always taken you for granted, taken _Junhoe_ for granted by not thinking about him." Jinhwan frowned, getting up when he finished talking. "I'm so dumb. All this time, I've been dumb. He's clearly one of those people who cherishes relationships built off of years of time and experience-"

"Not true, look at him and Jiwon-hyung."

"Fine, but I've always been there. _Always._ I'm not a new person who hasn't given off a long-lasting impression already. I never tried to do anything, and now I'm finally facing the consequences for ignorance."

"Hyung-"

"I'm going back to sleep," Jinhwan mumbled, letting go of Hanbin's hand even though the younger was trying to hold on, and then Jinhwan was getting up and leaving. Leaving with all of these thoughts in his head that Hanbin had no idea about, and now he just felt terrible because of all of these things happening around him. First, it was Yunhyeong getting sick. Then it was Jiwon getting depressed. Now his two closest friends were having some kind of dispute that might be to do with him too?

Time was ticking faster than ever.

Hanbin ran a hand through his hair as he muttered, "I hate this", and he wanted at least _one_ chance to be able to forget about all of this for a few hours. That was how a thought came to his mind of the special person who had made him so happy as of late, but was only bringing him confusion along with everything else going on. Maybe if he let Jiwon go for good, things would be better for both of them.

"Baby steps," Hanbin whispered as he searched for a marker and paper, feeling optimistic yet desolate at the same time. But this way, Jiwon could flourish and date others without being held back by Hanbin and he himself could take all he'd learned and finally make a move on Jinhwan. Maybe everything would go wrong, but there was still a small chance of happy ever after and at the end of the day, small chances were good enough.

Hopefully.

~~~

"Maybe it's poisoned."

"I doubt it."

"Maybe it's not from Hanbin at all. Maybe Jinhwan sent it to kill me."

"Didn't you literally say that Hanbin gave it to you to give to me?"

"Yeah, well, neither of us know what Jinhwan's capable of! He could be the devil for all we know!"

"He's not the devil-"

"And how do you know?!"

"Because-"

"Exactly! You _don't._ "

"Jesus, Junhoe..."

"Yes, you're right. Jesus is on my side and he agrees with me."

"What even...?"

Junhoe and Jiwon were both staring from a reasonable distance at the item on the desk that was supposedly from Hanbin, and it most probably actually was. It was honestly beautiful, maybe some kind of climbing plant that was like the opposite of sunflowers, coloured purple and blue like the galaxy with the petals of the flowers being so prettily designed, and there was a folded note settled on top of the soil. Jiwon had fallen in love with it immediately but he still had his suspicions, thus leading to his pointless scrutinising with Junhoe.

"Oh yeah, if you didn't know, Hanbin really likes flowers," Junhoe mentioned after a few minutes of silent staring and Jiwon nodded, mentally noting that down. "He can name so many. I've got no idea why he's giving you some, though."

"Maybe it's time to actually check it out," Jiwon said, very wary as he inched closer to the plant and Junhoe followed him cautiously so he could be ready to act like a bodyguard at any time. Jiwon took hold of the note first, shaking off the few spots of soil before unfolding it, batting Junhoe away since he was trying to look over Jiwon's shoulder.

_Dear Jiwon-hyung,_

_It's Hanbin! Yeah, it's me. Disappointing. I know. It's been a while, hasn't it? Well, kind of, I've just been studying for finals and all that stuff and I'm sure you have been too. I know we still see each other every now and then but we haven't properly hung out or had a lesson in like two weeks, which is a very long time, and I do miss you a whole lot._

_This is just an official statement (because I'm so utterly professional) saying that:_

_I, Kim Hanbin, thoroughly thank you, Kim Jiwon, for your services these past few months. Services meaning being my friend, making me happy and of course, teaching me how to kiss. But I'm afraid that I am to terminate our imaginary contract as it is sadly time to discontinue our lessons from here forthcoming. You have been a delightful asset and you will be missed._

_Phew okay, official statement over, that was stressful. Don't be sad! I'm kind of very sad, actually, but let's ignore that one tear in my eye because you're not here to see it so you don't need to know it's there. I just want you to know that you're so incredible and I've adored spending all this time with you, but I do think it's time for me to let you go because I'm holding on too tight._

_I got you these dendrobium cosmic orchids not just because they're gorgeous and unique (like you) but because a galaxy of stars is waiting out there for everyone in any shape or form, and I want you to get your whole galaxy. I've seen you progress and get a few stars here and there, one of them being your mojo which you lost a bit after you stopped being a player but now you've got it back, one of them being Junhoe since everyone needs a best friend, one of them being your emotional capacity because that day that you cried, I know you gained more connection with your feelings than you ever could have otherwise. I guess it's just a sappy metaphor that I'm trying to portray, and I'm also saying that I need to let you go for you to fulfil your galaxy because I'm not one of your stars. I'm just holding you back and I'm holding myself back too._

_But really, thank you, hyung, for everything._

_And as a prolonged means of gratitude, if you're free, can you meet me at ten pm on campus? I'll be waiting under that tree where we made out for the first and only time in public - ugh, we really do have so many memories. I never want to forget any of them._

_So I'll see you at ten and if not, I'll see you at Yunhyeong-hyung's party. Maybe. Have the best day!_

_Love, your anchovy boy/your doll._

"You okay?" Junhoe asked worriedly (he had _definitely_ been peeking over Jiwon's shoulder) when Jiwon didn't talk for a while, just reading over the note that made him feel so many things at once that it was overwhelming. He knew that this was coming, that there would be a time that Hanbin would stop the lessons but now that it had actually _happened?_ Jiwon could feel his heart curling up into a ball, only straying from disintegrating completely because of all the sweet things that Hanbin had littered throughout the letter.

"I'm...I'm okay, it's just-"

"Hard to take in?"

"Yeah."

"It's alright, you know. You can have a moment. And you know that you don't have to see him at ten if you don't think you can-"

"Junhoe, go away for a second. I can think for myself."

"I- wow. Fine."

"No, wait, I don't mean it like that," Jiwon sighed, irritated at himself as he took hold of Junhoe's wrist to stop him from leaving. "You're great but I think I need to be alone for a moment. I literally feel like I've just been broken up with but like in the sweetest way possible and I'm so confused like how am I supposed to react? I think I might have to see him today, but I don't know, but I _want_ to-"

"Then go, I just don't want you to get hurt."

"It's not _him_ that hurts me, it's just...me. None of this is his fault."

"It's not yours either, okay? Look-" Junhoe walked over to the sofa and picked up Jiwon's jacket before throwing it at the elder who clumsily managed to catch it. "Bar for drinks or a convenience store for more frosting, your pick."

A smile slowly crossed Jiwon's face as he started putting his jacket on. "It's always gonna be a convenience store, Junhoe, come on."

"I know, it just makes me sound less like a dictator if there are options. Now let's go frost your feelings into submission!"

"Dear lord, _everything_ you say makes you sound like a dictator."

Junhoe only rolled his eyes in reply, already leaving the dorm and Jiwon had to run to catch up with him once he realised. But before he left, he skim-read the note one last time before folding it up and putting it in his pocket that he zipped up for good measure. There had been one phrase in it that had hit him so hard and made a crater through his whimsical fantasy world towards his reality.

_'I need to let you go for you to fulfil your galaxy because I'm not one of your stars.'_

That one line- in fact, pretty much the whole metaphor had almost brought Jiwon to tears. He knew that Hanbin was good with words and lyrics but that had taken it a step too far because somehow, just that one phrase spilled out a whole ton of sadness and hard-hitting reality. Hanbin was already one of his stars, once shining so bright but now his light was flickering, dying out because he was never meant to be in Jiwon's galaxy. And Jiwon would never be in Hanbin's.

Wow. A sappy metaphor indeed. A sappy metaphor that made Jiwon have to keep a scarf over his face for ten minutes while he was out with Junhoe because if he let go, he might just cry a river.

~~~

Hanbin was sitting idly against the tree trunk, an overgrown daisy (that he was supposed to give to Jiwon but then he got too nervous) in his hand as he picked off the petals one by one. One petal, _he won't come._ Another petal, _he will come._ One more, _he doesn't care._ And the last petal, _he does care._

Jiwon wasn't even late. Hanbin had simply gone there twenty minutes early but there was just that sense of uncertainty since Jiwon hadn't actually texted him or indicated in any way to say he was coming _or_ if he wasn't. There was a possibility that Hanbin was sitting there for nothing but he couldn't ignore how nice it felt to be lit up by a beautiful moon and ruffled by a crisp breeze. Hanbin was usually scared of the night, but not right now.

"Ba- ah, I mean, Hanbin? You here?"

Hanbin's eyes widened as he quickly scrambled to get up, hitting his head on a branch and he let out a silent gasp of pain as he rubbed his head irritatedly. He forgot about Jiwon for a split-second which was a mistake because he got the shock of his life when the elder was suddenly next to him with crossed arms and a smirk on his lips. "Hyung-"

"You're early."

"No, _you're_ early.

"Touché," Jiwon replied, his smirk blowing into a full grin as he took a step forward and slung an arm around Hanbin's waist casually, making the younger have to bite his lip to hold back his own smile. "But, still a pleasure to make your acquaintance."

"Yeah, I sure hope so. I was starting to think you'd stand me up."

"Well, _technically_ I didn't say yes or no."

"Are you seriously using that as an argument right now?" Hanbin grumbled in annoyance, swiping the back of Jiwon's head and the elder winced, rubbing the spot morosely.

"Okay, I'm sorry, I'm sorry! And I-" Jiwon hesitated, his hold on Hanbin tightening before he muttered, "I didn't contact you because I wasn't actually sure if I was coming until, well, pretty much the last minute."

Hanbin frowned, bringing a hand up to curl his fingers gently through Jiwon's hair which was getting tousled by the wind, and he saw Jiwon visibly soften a little at the action. "Why?"

"Because...because I'm so attached to you, Bin. And I know I shouldn't be because what we were doing was supposed to be all casual but even, even just as a friend, you're special to me. And I know what this is, it's some kind of grand goodbye gesture fitted into some sort of date but I don't want to say goodbye. I know you want to get rid of me but I just, I want more time. More time with you."

Hanbin was so conflicted as Jiwon looked at him with the saddest eyes in the world, sadder than any kicked puppy. Hanbin had been consumed by logic before, thinking that this was all a process towards making Jinhwan his and making everyone happy and part of it was setting Jiwon free but now emotions were involved, and it was so _difficult._

_Also, sidenote. I didn't know hyung liked me that much._

"You're right. This _is_ supposed to be like some kind of goodbye but I still didn't want you to think that. I didn't want you to feel like I was pushing you away."

"How am I not supposed to feel like that when that's exactly what you're doing? Yeah, I can psycho-analyse too if I want to. I can know stuff. I'm not dumb."

"I know you're not. You're smart and funny and incredible and sweet-" Hanbin cut himself off, taking a deep breath as he realised that he was getting ahead of himself. There was no point listing off all the reasons he adored Jiwon so much because it just made everything worse. "Hyung, let me have this night with you. You're holding onto me right now so please don't let go, not yet."

"Gosh, this is dramatic, isn't it? I feel like one of us is about to die tomorrow or something."

"Yeah, that's sure what it feels like," Hanbin murmured as he pushed Jiwon up against the tree trunk and pressed their lips together almost desperately, tangling his hands up in Jiwon's hair tightly; and meanwhile, Jiwon was the exact opposite, nonchalant as he ran a hand gently up and down Hanbin's side to soothe him a little as he broke the kiss in fear of it being too much, instead pressing feathery kisses down Hanbin's jaw and his neck until the younger felt completely warm and loved.

"Time's ticking on tonight, tiger. It's your move," Jiwon muttered huskily against Hanbin's neck and the younger squeezed his eyes shut, clutching onto Jiwon as tight as he could. "Are you sure you want to say goodbye to me?"

"F-Fuck. I can't," Hanbin whispered stiltedly, leaning in for another kiss but Jiwon stopped him only to say, "Then don't."

"But then I don't know what I'm doing anymore."

"You don't always need to know everything, doll. Life isn't a convenient plan that follows your wishes, it fucks you over every chance it gets. You always end up losing every race against life."

Hanbin bit his lip at the last sentence, hating how it hit so close to home. He was so torn and so done with all the desolation as he slowly brought his hands down to rest on either side of Jiwon's bitter face. One brush of a thumb against Jiwon's red lips and one soft gaze was enough to filter some of the elder's negativity out as he sighed heavily, resting his hands lightly on Hanbin's hips.

"I haven't decided yet, if coming here was a mistake or not but I still think I should leave."

"No-"

"You're beautiful and I adore you," Jiwon hummed, moving in close so he could peck Hanbin's parted, spent lips. "And you need to keep being beautiful and adorable. You can make anyone fall for you, even a stupid, insensitive ex-playboy like me, so work your charm on Jinhwan-hyung and you'll have him head over heels in no time."

Hanbin's eyes widened, instantly zeroing in on the phrase in the middle of the sentence that was making his head spin dangerously but before he could question anything, Jiwon kissed him again but it wasn't a peck, it was slow and intoxicating as he nipped at Hanbin's lips lightly that made the younger whine and push the elder further into the tree, slamming their bodies together which had Jiwon moaning into his mouth; one of the best sounds in the entire world.

Hanbin realised in one crystallised split-second that he couldn't imagine a life where he wasn't kissing Kim Jiwon.

"Don't-"

"You started it."

"I-I know but-" Jiwon finally found the strength to break away from Hanbin, letting go of the boy completely and it was incredible how much colder he got in less than a second. "I gotta go. I need to. I'm being so stupid."

"Hyung, what did you mean by-"

"You heard me, okay? You heard me right and that's all, that's enough because I don't want to make this anymore painful than it already is. Yes, I like you, yes, I know you don't like me back, yes, I've known this for weeks, and yes, I'm terrified of my feelings for you. Looking at you smile just makes me happy so go seek out your own happiness because you're mine and I've needed to put a stop to it but I was too weak before. Yet I guess now that we're finished, it'll be easier so bye, Hanbin."

And Hanbin couldn't say a word in reply.

He was stuck there, helpless and dumbfounded as all he could do was watch Jiwon walk off until he just seemed like a random silhouette in the moonlit darkness. And then Hanbin sank to the ground, muttering open-ended questions of insecurity and confusion to himself like, "When?", _"Why?"_ and "How come?"

How come this happened when Hanbin did nothing to deserve it?

How come Jiwon, literal walking perfection, fell for _Hanbin_ who was infatuated for someone else, leaving it bound to end in disaster?

"It's over. We're over."

And Hanbin cried just a little under that tree that night because he knew that he had broken someone's heart, and Jiwon, someone who Hanbin had honest-to-God ended up loving, was never going to speak to him again. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> right. oh my gosh, finally, I actually updated 
> 
> I'm so sorry for the long wait, everyone. I know it must've been irritating to go from getting daily updates to not getting one in almost a month; I'm actually so sorry, I've been busy and stuff has been happening and inspiration and motivation for this story literally plummeted for a while. I started getting comments asking where updates were and it was making me feel so bad so I decided to just sit down last night and write this and it was actually the happiest I've felt in a while. but, at the same time I didn't get any normal work done which really backfired on me lmao. but I do think it was worth it
> 
> I don't know when I can update next but I do know that my motivation is back, so I really really don't want to leave it as long as I did this time 
> 
> don't worry, the story's not finished! though, well, it might be drawing to an end now that the climax has been touched but I honestly don't know how long I'll drag this out since I don't plan my stories (which is probably a mistake...). we'll see though. thank you for reading, you're the best and I'm really sorry just if this wasn't worth the wait and simply for the fact that you had to wait - again, you're the best


	19. drunk

Jiwon wasn't broken. As far as he knew.

When feelings you've had bottled up for so long finally come out, it's natural to feel terrified, yet relieved? Jiwon hadn't stuck around for Hanbin's reaction since that would've been too heartbreaking for him to handle but it was amazing, this feeling of finally not keeping something so important behind locked doors. And even though he wasn't broken, he was clearly not okay; but he was trying to be. The worst of it all was when he ended up breaking down in front of Junhoe when telling him what happened but it got better after that, with Jiwon consuming himself in coursework and the snacks that Junhoe had bought him (in excess, definitely in excess) before he had to go to work. And now, a few days later, here he was studying in the almost empty common room early in the afternoon though the smell of coffee still lingered and Jiwon was swathed in the biggest hoodie he could find.

"Ugh, honestly," a familiar voice huffed as they slammed their bag down on the empty part of the desk Jiwon was working on and the latter jolted. "I hate catching up on work. I'm off for six weeks and literally no-one cared enough to get me work except for Jinhwan-hyung, but he's only in what, two of my classes? I'm failing uni, that's just a thing that's going to happen now."

Jiwon grinned as he pulled his hood down and turned to his side just as the guy sat down next to him with a sigh. "Hey to you too, stranger. It's been a while."

Yunhyeong gave him a tired smile but it was still bright, like always. And Jiwon made the startling realisation that he had missed it a _lot._ "Sure has been. I had to give Jinhwan-hyung and Donghyuk a huge greeting but I thought you didn't need that."

"Oi, are you saying I'm not important enough?"

"No! But you're more chill. I could just say hi and you'd be satisfied."

"Eh...I guess. But it's still been over a month, okay, I want more than a 'hi'."

"Alright, fine." Yunhyeong pulled his bag off of the desk and spun his chair around so he was positioned to look straight at Jiwon, resting his elbows on the desk and his chin in his palm. "I'm all yours."

Jiwon rolled his eyes, grinning wildly from the embarrassment yet familiarity. "You'd think that Chanwoo would have affected you by now but you're still exactly the same. Why were you gone for so long? Just sick?"

"I mean, sick kinda works. Surgery."

Jiwon's eyes widened, ready to fuss over the other for an hour but Yunhyeong quickly clamped his hands on the former's shoulders to stop him. "Look, don't make it that big of a deal. I rested up for six weeks, I'm feeling better and I just don't want anyone to worry too much."

"Are you joking? This is massive, dude, you can't just-"

"I'm not hiding it, Jinhwan-hyung knows. I'll tell the others if it comes up."

"Jesus...and all this time, I've been an idiot who's only focused on _my_ problems," Jiwon muttered, a wave of self-loathing almost drowning him. This was becoming a common occurrence, to forget about other people because of all of his feelings, first with Jinhwan and now with Yunhyeong. Jiwon hated himself for it. "Why the hell didn't you tell me?"

"Well, I don't know...I guess I was too worried about it and I didn't want to make it worse by getting you guys all worked up too? I mean, it's sad because I've been so uninvolved in your lives this whole time but it's okay, I've heard that so many things have been happening while I'm gone so I guess you'll all be like 'Yunhyeong who?'"

"No, no way, that's not it at all-"

"Are you alright?" Yunhyeong interrupted gently and one look at his face made Jiwon deflate, his eyes lowering in shame.

"So you know."

"Chanwoo told me most of it. Only 'cause you said he could, apparently."

"I'm fine," Jiwon muttered, shying away from Yunhyeong's sympathetic gaze. "I really am! Or, I'm getting there. I don't need romance to be happy, I've got all the stars I need right now."

"Stars?"

"Oh...ignore that. But, about Chanwoo. Have you two got married yet? I'm still best man, right?"

"Wha- when were you _ever?!"_ Yunhyeong squawked, looking so properly offended that Jiwon couldn't help but laugh and wow, it had been a good few days since he had laughed without faking it even a little. "We've never talked about this!"

"Okay, fine, but I was wondering when you'd tell the others about the dating news."

"Yeah, well, it didn't really come up. I swear to God, you're pushier than my mother and she's the biggest love fantasist."

"Yeah and so are you!"

"So what?!"

Jiwon only snorted in reply, looking down at his books which were so uselessly thrown out across the desk, his terrible handwriting scrawled over them because he was trying to study, trying to make something for himself when he barely even knew who he _was_ anymore. What was his identity? He didn't know what his qualities were, good or bad, and he had gone through so many façades over the years that he had know idea what was the 'real' him. Was he a nonchalant player? Was he a hardcore rapper? Was he a lovesick idiot? Maybe he was simply meant to be nothing, and he was going to keep living a life that was meaningless.

"Yunhyeong, who am I?"

Yunhyeong furrowed his eyebrows, confused but on alert. "What do you mean?"

"I don't know who I am. I don't find comfort in myself, it's like- it's like I'm a stranger. I don't know what I'm like. I don't know what I'm supposed to do, or be. For years I've felt so confident in myself when what I had pride in ended up being a stupid, empty shell. I'm hollow."

"Woah, that's...that's deep."

"No shit."

"You know what I'm seeing, though? Progress," Yunhyeong said pointedly and Jiwon looked at him curiously, listening hard. Yunhyeong smiled when he saw he had the younger's attention but he composed himself in seconds, continuing, "Look, you've always been a strange guy from however long I've known you and you leave yourself vulnerable to dilemmas because of how open you are to...well, change. You change yourself and your feelings all the time, don't you see that? And right now, you're going through and you _have_ gone through a lot of things and so you're learning how to become yourself and how to become comfortable in your skin. To do that, you also need to question yourself which is what you're doing right now, because you say you don't know who you are?"

"Yeah."

"That's because you haven't got there yet. You haven't got the emotional breakthrough you need to be able to feel, you know...at _one_ with yourself again, I think. Am I making sense? Basically, you've been knocked down and it's going to take something to build you back up but you'll still do it. I know you will."

"I feel dizzy now," Jiwon mumbled, resting his head on the desk and squeezing his eyes shut, running too many words over and over in his mind but one stuck. Change. It made sense, with the way he would throw himself into scenarios without thinking about the future, about how he would change his identity and emotions the instant he was sick of it or if he didn't think it was working out. Just before Yunhyeong had come five minutes ago, Jiwon had been ready to change himself from a hopeless romantic to cutting romance out of his life forever. "Life journeys are so difficult, and painful. When will it end?"

"Oh, I don't think anyone knows the answer to that."

Jiwon made a little whiny noise in reply like a tired puppy and Yunhyeong held back a laugh, rubbing Jiwon's back lightly. There were no words left to say anymore since there were no open solutions, no direct leads to a breakthrough, and no conclusions. The one thing left was the fact that only time could tell.

"Are you still coming to my party? It's tonight but you really don't have to go if you don't want to."

Jiwon grimaced a little but he still raised his head to nod. "Yeah. But my aim is to get as wasted as I can before Hanbin gets there, and then all will be good with the world. I'm gonna _party._ "

"Alright, sounds like a plan," Yunhyeong agreed amusedly and Jiwon smiled a little, feeling a rush of gratitude overwhelm him. He didn't deserve friends like this. "Now, are you busy or would you like to accompany me on an excursion to a café?"

"I've missed you, you grandpa," Jiwon snorted, punching Yunhyeong lightly in the arm but he stated packing up his stuff before giving Yunhyeong a hand up. He saw the elder wince when he managed to stand up and Jiwon's heart grew heavy as he wrapped an arm around Yunhyeong's shoulders for support. "Ae you sure you're ready to be back?"

"Absolutely! They said once the hospital discharged me, I could go back to how life was before the surgery...more or less."

"What do you want to do? Name anything, we'll do it."

"I just want you to have fun tonight."

"Ugh, Yun-"

"You can do that for me, right?"

And Jiwon decided not to argue in the end, only sending Yunhyeong a half-fake smile as he nodded. "Sure. Just for you."

~~~

Hanbin didn't even know how he had lost such an incredible amount of time awareness in the last week. Three days ago, it had been six am when he got up and then he fell onto the couch, doing absolutely nothing but mentally note down depressing song lyrics and melodies but when he looked at the clock, it was almost two pm. The day after that, he missed six out of ten classes and was late to the other four because he simply wasn't in tune with life. And then the day before today, he lost his glasses and searched for it for what seemed like ten minutes until Jinhwan unhelpfully told him that it had been three hours. And he still never found them.

Now he was running horribly late to Yunhyeong's party, even though it wasn't like he actually had to be there 'on time' but still. It had started a few hours ago, with Jinhwan leaving after being all excited and gorgeously dressed up and telling Hanbin to finish his work soon so he could come too, and now Hanbin felt like a terrible friend.

He had just been so...out of it. Sadness always _had_ affected him greatly and this time around, he didn't want to leave the dorm, he didn't want to eat, and he felt helpless. He could barely even bother getting up when he heard a hard, incessant knocking at his door but he did in the end only to withdraw back a little in fear when he was met with a towering, belligerent-looking Junhoe.

"Ju-"

"What the fuck are you doing? Why are you still here?"

"Wait, what-"

"Do you think I don't know what's been going on, Hanbin?" Junhoe asked wryly, walking forwards into the apartment and Hanbin backed up even more. "I know _everything._ And right now, you're being pathetic."

Hanbin swallowed thickly, lowering his gaze as he quickly moved behind the kitchen counter so there could be some kind of barrier between him and his childhood friend who could probably rip Hanbin in two if he wanted to. "I-I don't know what you're-"

"Why the heck are _you_ sad? How can you have the audacity to wallow in your pity when no-one did anything to you to make you legible to be pitied?! No, 'cause obviously you're just the nice guy who's apparently been thrown into a mess where you did nothing wrong even though _you_ created that mess and someone else's heart got broken yet you're still sympathising with yourself. He's doing better than you, idiot, he's trying to heal and find himself while you're stuck here, out of sight and out of mind- holy shit, why are you crying, what-"

"No, I'm fine," Hanbin quickly said, waving one hand dismissively as he raised his other arm to wipe his face with his sleeve. Gosh, it was stupid, he shouldn't be crying, Junhoe was so right and he was being the biggest idiot known to man but he couldn't _help_ it. Getting a reality check while you were in the middle of a state of depression didn't go well together. "It's just...I'm just welling up, no tears yet, I'm- I'm good, you can keep going..."

Junhoe looked incredibly concerned yet stiff, like he wanted to do something to help but he both didn't know how to and didn't want to because he was still mad. But the fire in his eyes had dissipated because Junhoe really couldn't help but soften up at the sight of tears. Having family and friends who were always so strong made crying all the more rare and special.

"Hyung," Junhoe said quietly and Hanbin froze up a little. Junhoe never ever called him hyung, and it suddenly seemed like the most comforting thing in the world to hear it from him. "Just, come on, go to the party with me. I know that you were planning to so don't call it off this late, if not for me then for Yunhyeong-hyung? He's wondering where you are, we all were. And sure, Jiwon-hyung is at the party but the last I saw of him, he was well on his way to being off his face."

"What?"

"Drunk, hyung. He's very drunk."

Hanbin didn't quite know how to react to that. "Oh."

"Yeah so come on idiot, get dressed!"

"I don't know what to wear!"

"Literally anything! I swear to God, you're so _useless-_ "

"You'll drive me, right?"

"Yes. Because you're useless." Then Junhoe was linking an arm with one of Hanbin's and dragging the elder to his room, holding him up since Hanbin was very much zombie-like right about now. "You're useless but that's alright because I'm here to help."

And so they were heading off to the party in no time - well, after Junhoe dissed basically every single one of Hanbin's outfits before finally approving one, then hastily doing Hanbin's makeup and hair that included a lot of 'OW' and 'shut up, I'm making you look beautiful!' before Hanbin slapped him away and decided to go mostly natural. Though there was a moment where Junhoe caught sight of a ton of papers on Hanbin's desk and he picked a few up, reading 'case subject: Kim Hanbin' and Junhoe was about to question it before Hanbin quickly pulled them out of his hands and tore the papers apart before throwing it out in front of him extravagantly. "That was nothing, okay?! Nothing. Didn't mean anything."

Junhoe looked at him strangely before nodding, slowly turning to walk out of the room. "Okay..."

And then they were in the car.

Hanbin didn't want to take anything too seriously, maybe staying for a while, but parties weren't his thing. He was almost scared of what he was going to end up doing, both because of the 'unknown' factor and because if he ended up doing nothing then he'd be so annoyed, but he didn't want to get drunk and do something dangerous.

"Junhoe," Hanbin muttered halfway through the drive there and Junhoe looked at him curiously for a moment before his eyes were back on the road.

"What?"

"Why do you hate Jinhwan-hyung?"

Junhoe visibly tensed, hands clenching a little on the steering wheel. "I don't hate him. He's just definitely not my favourite person."

"Is it because of me?"

"....no..."

"He was talking to me earlier about-"

"Oh, of _course_ he was, can't keep his gab shut-"

"Hear me out first, you bulldozer, I'm trying to say that if you don't like him then you should hate me. It's not fair otherwise."

"I have no idea what you mean."

"I've always ditched you for him; isn't that the problem? That I focused too much on him even though you were my friend too?"

"I mean...it's related but no, that's not really the problem. I honestly don't think you've done anything wrong because Jinhwan is your best friend and I'd drop anyone for Jiwon-hyung too. But it's just a little different because, well, I used to see you as my best friend but I wasn't yours and that was hard to take. Jinhwan has you under his spell, I guess...makes sense that you've been in love with him this whole time."

Hanbin winced, casting his eyes down at the floor. "So you know about that now..."

"No, hyung. I've pretty much always known, Jiwon-hyung just confirmed it. You don't look at someone like you've looked at Jinhwan without adoring them to the point of infinity. But hey, maybe that look doesn't mean what I think it does and I also don't know a thing about love so let's just ignore me."

And that was probably supposed to be an undetermined end the conversation but Hanbin didn't want it to end, not when he still had barely a grasp on what was going on. "What's that supposed to mean?"

Junhoe breathed in through his nose, a little reluctant to speak as he muttered, "I don't know. I said ignore me."

"Junhoe, tell me."

"No."

"What is it? That I look at Jiwon-hyung that way too? You trying to convince me that I'm in love with him?"

"Stop it. Stop doing that, stop aggressively reading between the lines," Junhoe replied, an edge to his voice like he was actually angry. "That wasn't what I was going to say, and _you_ saying that makes you sound like an absolute jerk."

"Then tell me. What is it?"

"There are three things I could say. One, that you don't look at Jiwon-hyung like that, because it's different. You look at him like he's your world, he looks at you like you're his soulmate, all sappy stuff. Two, you used to look at Jinhwan like you literally worshipped the very ground he walked on. Three, you don't look at Jinhwan like that anymore. That's all."

"Then how do I-"

"I said, that's all!"

And Hanbin decided to keep his mouth shut, noticing how uncomfortable Junhoe looked with his shoulders hunched slightly and his brow creased. And maybe this had always been a thing - maybe Junhoe was just as observant as Hanbin was and always had been, tapping into different emotions and experiences that the people around him were going through, but he had kept it under wraps while Hanbin would always actively try and work things out. Junhoe hated talking about emotions yet maybe that was because it was all the guy thought about.

"I really don't know you as well as I think I do, do I?" Hanbin asked in amazement after a minute or so and Junhoe smirked a little, full of derisive awareness and veiled sadness.

"Not really. I've just found someone else to hang out with and now I've changed a little bit, and you haven't been around to see it."

"I'm sorry, I- no seriously, I am. I love you."

" _Ew,_ " Junhoe whined and Hanbin grinned. "But yeah, I know. You kind of suck and Jinhwan very much sucks but I'm over it. If you two end up together then that would be...actually quite gross but I'll be happy. For you."

Hanbin couldn't hold back a smile, and he really wanted to hug Junhoe right now - but something didn't settle right and Junhoe looked far from happy. "You liar. You won't be happy at all."

"Only because I don't think it- you know what, no, I'll shut up. Too much talking for one day. We're here, I'm gonna drink, you do whatever the fuck you want, now farewell."

Then Junhoe was getting out of the car and walking off without another warning and Hanbin scrambled to get out too and follow him, so unready to leave the warm comfort of the car even though icy Junhoe had been anything but warm. The thought of tons of people, overwhelming scent of alcohol and puke, a heavy heart, mess...dear lord, this was going to suck.

~~~

"HANBIN!"

"Hyung!" Hanbin cheered back over the loud music, stumbling a little from Yunhyeong's enthusiastic hug that he captured the younger into. "How are you?"

"I'm fine! I'm so glad you came, I almost sent out a search party- well, I kind of _did_ since we sent out Junhoe to get you. But he succeeded so all's good!"

"Yeah..."

"We can catch up another time, just go do whatever for now. Party!"

"Okay, but how did you afford to rent this out?" Hanbin asked in awe, looking around the venue which was positively massive, so much space that it couldn't possibly all be filled, even with all the people there. "It must have like, six floors? What the hell?!"

"My boyfriend's a multi-millionaire," Yunhyeong said casually like it had no meaning before walking off and Hanbin's eyes bugged out of his skull at the words. He snapped out of his shock and tried to go after Yunhyeong to grill him for more even though the guy had disappeared into a sea of people, but then he was distracted by arms wrapping around his neck, small hands patting him lightly.

"Oh, Hanbin, thank God, I thought something could've happened...and _woah,_ you look great! You actually dressed up for this?"

"Yeah, Junhoe picked the outfit, kinda," Hanbin said shyly, tugging at the hem of his shirt. Jinhwan pulled back from him and Hanbin frowned when he noticed how stressed the elder looked. "Hey, what's wrong?"

"No it's nothing, just- Ji got super wasted, I don't know how or why it happened and it was hilarious for the most part but then it got too hazardous so I tackled him into a bedroom and I sobered him the _tiniest_ bit so he's somewhat staying on the bed but he's out of his mind and has absolutely no filter and he's saying the worst things, I actually-"

"I'll go look after him," Hanbin said quickly, desperate for having something to do, especially something where Jiwon might not hate him for the moment in his state. "I'll make sure he doesn't do anything stupid."

Jinhwan looked at him in surprise, lost for words for a second. "Wha- Hanbin, you just got here, you don't need to-"

"Please, _pretty_ please, I really want to..."

"God, you're weird. But fine, he's on the top floor, just go up all the stairs and then you'll find him in one of the rooms. Ugh...I wanted you to have fun, idiot."

"Maybe this will be fun!" Hanbin chirped, pressing a chaste kiss to Jinhwan's temple before rushing off and the elder rolled his eyes, walking forward before he bumped straight into something warm and hard and he froze.

"Oh gosh, I'm sorry-"

"Get out of my way," the familiar hostile voice growled and Jinhwan instantly moved to the right, watching Junhoe stalk off like the big cat he was. Jinhwan couldn't quite decide if he was a tiger or a house cat pretending to be one, though he probably shouldn't tell Junhoe the second one or the kid would hate him even more.

Hanbin was having a tough enough time getting up the stairs, squeezing past all the people with winces and mutters of apology. He could see their eyes on him and the scent of alcohol was overwhelming but Hanbin got through most of the way until he stumbled on a stray foot and fell backwards, but then he was pushed back up by a group of people before he toppled over which was rather sweet. He picked up his pace a little after that before spilling out onto the top floor, out of breath and frantically checking the numerous rooms before he finally reached the one right at the end of the corridor which had a guy out on the bed like a starfish while burbling on about something to do with sloths taking over the world. The room was beautiful which got Hanbin distracted for a moment but he got back on track in seconds.

"Hyung?"

The guy fell quiet instantly before raising his head at the speed of light, staring at Hanbin with wide, unblinking eyes for a good while before gasping so loudly that Hanbin thought his eardrums were going to burst. "HI!"

"Heyy," Hanbin cheered weakly, walking further into the room and looking around a bit more, running a hand along the white wall which even _felt_ expensive. "So, you got wasted, I hear. Good for you."

"Noo, don't get mad at me," Jiwon whined, struggling to sit up before just collapsing back onto the bed, and Hanbin looked at him curiously.

"I'm not mad. I'm glad you got to have fun."

"I-I did have fun, and, and then Jinhwan-hyung nearly threw me out of a window," Jiwon giggled, swinging his legs off the bed without raising his torso and Hanbin quickly rushed over to stop him from falling to the ground. "Yeah...yeah, _he_ was mad. I don't know why! But he cute when mad so iss'okay, you get me-"

"Hey hyung, you gotta stay on the bed, okay?" Hanbin asked gently, smiling when Jiwon rolled over obediently yet so comically, flopping limply when he reached the middle of the mattress. "Good boy."

"Come, come here," Jiwon slurred, beckoning messily with his hand and Hanbin decided to comply, thinking it might make things easier if he was on the bed with Jiwon. So he let himself get up onto it, hovering over Jiwon for a moment but then the elder was pulling Hanbin down so he had to quickly lay a hand over Jiwon's mouth, shaking his head all the while. "Nothing like that, hyung. You're drunk."

Jiwon's eyes were wide again, filled with despondency and disappointment as he mumbled underneath Hanbin's hand, "But, I want-"

"Want what?"

Jiwon grew even limper as he pushed Hanbin to the side and the younger fell into the space next to him. "I-I wanted, _wanted_ , t-e-d, you know, to get with someone tonight 'cause you know me, I'm a miserable sucker fucky...nono, sucky fucker. Yeahhh there's the one. Too same. I wa' _lonely_. I'm always, you know, lonely." Jiwon pointed at himself wildly. "I never gets the guy. Doesn't happen. So I wanted to take my mind off...it...so, I nearly kissed someone, but then I didn't want anymore."

"Why?"

"I can only kiss one guy. But he don't want to kiss me."

Hanbin closed his eyes for a moment, too weighed down to reciprocate before he slipped a hand through one of Jiwon's motionless yet warm ones. Jiwon seemed to spring back to life at that, rolling over a little to face Hanbin with his eyes still wide and hair incredibly messy but he was still so gorgeous. Hanbin really did want to kiss him. Jiwon was wrong about that.

"Do you know who I am, hyung?"

"Of _course,_ " Jiwon replied loudly, sounding overly offended by the question. "But you're no' what I _want_ you to be."

"What do you want me to be?"

"Mine," Jiwon muttered, tugging Hanbin closer to him and when the younger heard the answer, he honestly felt his heart flutter.

"You smooth, upsetting fucker."

Jiwon giggled quietly into Hanbin's hair and according to his mumbling, he seemed to be reminiscing about 'sucker fucky'. Then he fell quiet after a while, and Hanbin couldn't help but say, "Junhoe says you've been doing okay."

"No. Nononono. _No._ But yes. I'm trying. I know I'll be okay if I keep goin' but-" Jiwon sniffed before laughing again, but it was half delirious, half bitter. It was such a cold sound. "Today...this shows that I'm not doin' okay yet, I'm really...really...no'..."

"I'm so sorry."

"Don't be! Iss'my fault...I was weak. I let myself fall in love." Then Jiwon started tearing up, his lips trembling and Hanbin's eyes widened in worry and he was ready to hug Jiwon close and tell him sweet, meaningless words like 'everything's okay' and 'no, you're not weak, you're the _strong_ est' but Jiwon wasn't done. "I love, I love Hanbin but he doesn't love me...because who- _who_ would love me? I'm not even a real person. I am _nothing._ I'm hollow."

"No, hyung, I-I do. I do love you," Hanbin whispered because he had made the split-second realisation that it was true. It'd be blasphemy if he didn't call what he felt for Jiwon love, and Jiwon had lit a spark in him that he didn't think could exist. Jiwon had become one of his unconventional stars, and Hanbin needed to stamp his light out but he was too cowardly, too weak to do it. "You're so amazing. I don't know what you mean by hollow but you're just not, you're filled with things that make you you, things that I really love. Other people love them too, because a lot of people love you. You're great. You're the bee's knees. You take the cake. You're the cherry on-"

" _Shhhhh_ ," Jiwon hushed ironically loudly, smushing a finger against Hanbin's lips. "Too much speak."

Hanbin smiled fondly, moving Jiwon's finger away. "Okay."

Hanbin was tired now, tired of everything, of this mess that was going on. He knew that he wouldn't be able to handle it if Jiwon asked him any big questions or things to do with feelings because all of this was just making him question what he felt for Jinhwan and if he was making the wrong decision. Hanbin was smart most of the time, he aced Psychology, so recently he had been psychoanalysing a new subject: himself. He had been doing that a lot this past week and it was consuming him whole. One of his hypotheses were, was he sticking with Jinhwan because he was the comfortable, familiar choice, and was he pushing Jiwon away because he was an unknown element and not supposed to be part of the plan?

Hanbin was snapped out of it when he felt Jiwon roll into him and by one look, Hanbin was certain that Jiwon had passed out or something since his eyes were closed, his breathing was slow and he wasn't moving anymore. So Hanbin just stayed cuddled up into his side, an arm around him because he wanted to be close to Jiwon, even for just one night. This could be the last chance he could ever get and he needed it. He didn't want to let Jiwon go yet, even though he already had but this couldn't be how they ended.

Hanbin really truly loved him, but he didn't know in what way.

At one point, Junhoe walked into the room and Hanbin looked at him, still lying next to Jiwon and Junhoe raised an eyebrow but decided not to comment on it. "I can watch over Jiwon-hyung now, if you want. You can go hang out with Jinhwan, maybe even finally kiss him because parties always give off that _vibe_ , don't they?"

And Hanbin thought about it for a moment, thinking that he _did_ come here to be at a party and he might have fun if he went downstairs, but then Jiwon stirred a little and pressed up closer to Hanbin, shifting his head into the crook of the younger's neck as he murmured Hanbin's name quietly and so sweetly, and that decided where Hanbin's heart lied at that moment.

"It's fine. I'll stay with him."

And Junhoe was quiet for a second before saying, "Really? You're choosing hyung over-"

"Please, Junhoe, don't read into it like that."

"Fine. But I really hope you know how confusing you're being."

Then Junhoe left with long, angry strides, irritatedly mumbling something under his breath and Hanbin turned his head slightly and bit his lip before pressing a delicate kiss to the side of Jiwon's head, holding his breath when Jiwon grunted very softly. Then a few hours or so passed of serenity, only the music booming distantly from the lower floors, and Hanbin was well on his way to nodding off before Jiwon laid a hand under Hanbin's chin and gently tilted his head up so the two were looking at each other. Hanbin saw how much clearer and sadder Jiwon's eyes were. He must've sobered up a little while he rested.

"You broke my heart," Jiwon murmured in a cracked voice, shattering Hanbin's resolve, "so why are you still here? Why are you torturing me?"

"I'm sorry," Hanbin said like a broken record, tearing out of Jiwon's grip on his chin as he laid his head on Jiwon's chest, clenching his fists tightly. "I'm torturing myself too, okay, I just...I don't know how to stop."

Jiwon didn't answer for a second before he carded a hand through Hanbin's hair, stroking it so gently and Hanbin honestly almost purred. "This is the last time. We're done after tonight, okay? You've got to promise me, please."

Hanbin squeezed his eyes shut, swallowing the lump in his throat because no matter how badly he would want to say no, he couldn't do that to Jiwon or himself. "I promise."

"Raise your head, doll?"

"No, don't- don't do it, don't goodbye-kiss me, don't make this even more depressing-"

"Bin."

"No."

"I'll kick you."

"Do it, I'll just kick back."

"Baby..."

"Don't call me that, hyung."

"Just look at me. You can trust me."

Hanbin huffed a little in annoyance but he still lifted his head, glaring at Jiwon but he faltered when he saw all the adoration swimming in Jiwon's eyes. They were literally glittering. Hanbin wondered if his eyes did that too when he looked at Jiwon, and he wouldn't be surprised if they did.

"I'm still a bit out of it but you look as pretty as ever. Of course you do."

Hanbin grimaced, feeling angry at the blush painting his cheeks. "Ugh, don't-"

"We've had a good run," Jiwon said, eyes shining with a different emotion now as his hand kept on messing with Hanbin's hair, curling the strands around his fingers prior to letting go before a second passed, then starting all over again. "Haven't we?"

"Yeah. The best one."

"I wish we could just, I don't know, be friends. But I can't do that."

"I know," Hanbin muttered, his voice catching so the words almost didn't come out and Jiwon softened as he tugged gently on one strand of the younger's hair. Hanbin winced, not because it hurt but because it was like Jiwon was trying to hold onto him even as he faded away. So Hanbin looked up, straight into Jiwon's eyes and said, "Come a bit closer. Just a bit."

Jiwon looked wary but he complied and when he did, Hanbin took the elder's face in both of his hands and leant up only to kiss Jiwon's forehead, a soft brush of his lips on skin that had no electricity, no passion but it held overwhelming meaning. He felt Jiwon fall complacent against him, almost melting into him as he wrapped his arms around Hanbin loosely. "I love you."

"No, I love _you,_ " Hanbin defied, kissing Jiwon's nose and feeling warm when Jiwon beamed at him, sparkling eyes crinkling. "You're the cutest."

"Yeah...I'm still quite fucking drunk, doll."

"How articulate."

"I'm afraid I'm still rather intoxicated, my prince, I'm _ever_ so sorry."

Hanbin's eyes sparkled at the sarcastic remark as he pressed up closer to Jiwon, resting his head on the pillow as he stared right back into Jiwon's eyes that still had their glitter, still had their fire even though it was waning. "Holy anchovies, hyung, I'm gonna miss you so much."

"No! You don't need to."

"But I still _will_. I can't turn off emotions. If I could, I'd be dating Jinhwan-hyung right now because I would've turned off fear. If I could, I wouldn't be such a fuck-up who pulls innocent people into messes I make."

"Hey...just sleep for tonight, Bin, don't think about anything like that. Don't make yourself so unhappy, it's not healthy, alright?"

"I know, I know but-"

"Shh," Jiwon murmured just like he had a few hours before but it was more controlled now as he pressed a finger to Hanbin's lips softly, like a feather-light touch. "Go to sleep. I'm here. Try to think to yourself that everything is okay, because it is. It will be."

Hanbin wanted to believe him. Maybe that desire for ignorance was what actually overwhelmed him for the last time as he closed his eyes, instantly feeling exhausted once he started giving himself up to rest. And he still had Jiwon by his side, breathing quietly and playing with Hanbin's hair every now and then, and that meant that he wasn't gone yet. Sure, he was _going_ to go at one point but future Hanbin could deal with that. Present Hanbin was drained and in need of love, so this was all he wanted to settle for at this very moment.

Maybe it wasn't enough.

But beggars couldn't be choosers.

 


	20. this person

Jiwon woke up to emptiness. It was emptiness that he had expected, emptiness that he should be welcoming but he hated it so much. He hated how when he opened his eyes, he saw nothing but a massive, empty room and messy sheets that once held another warm body that had presumably left during the night. Jiwon felt cold. He felt lonely.

"Time to rise and shine?" a questioning voice asked from outside and Jiwon blinked, sitting up and rubbing his eyes and when he looked up, he saw a grinning Chanwoo peeking his head through the door. Jiwon's happiness suddenly increased tenfold and he almost fell out of his bed to try and get to the latter.

"Chanwoo, my _guy,_ " Jiwon all but sobbed, stumbling over to the younger with the sheets still wrapped around his body and Chanwoo raised an eyebrow but still smiled, patting Jiwon's back when the elder just flopped his head onto his shoulder. "Holy hell, it's been so long since I've seen you...were you here last night?"

"No way, this isn't my scene. Yunhyeong-hyung said you stayed overnight so we rented the place out a bit longer, me and him will probably spend the day here. You're welcome to as well if you'd like."

"Right..."

"Come on, let's get you something to eat," Chanwoo said helpfully, linking an arm with Jiwon who nodded, wrapping the sheets tighter around his shoulders. Things seemed better with Chanwoo there, and his heart lifted when they neared another room in the massive palace of a place and he heard the unmistakable sound of Yunhyeong and Junhoe bickering about something stupid. After being so low, it was remarkable how easily his friends could make him at ease, and Jiwon wanted to hug them all.

"It literally says how to use it _right on the label-_ "

"Why the heck does this place even have such a stupid toaster?!"

"It's not stupid, it's state-of-the-art-"

"No, my _face_ is state-of-the-art, this is just ludicrous and you know it, it's just trying to brainwash you."

"Oh my God...Junhoe, I'll just make you your toast!"

"No, I don't want it anymore," Junhoe grumbled childishly, slinking away from the toaster to sit down at the counter in a sulk and Yunhyeong sighed, looking like he had aged ten years but he raised his head when Chanwoo and Jiwon walked in and he waved at them, straightening up immediately.

"Hey, guys, everything okay?"

"Oh, yeah, totally," Chanwoo replied while Jiwon ruffled Junhoe's hair, laughing when the younger tried to bat him away irritatedly. "Is all the breakfast done?"

"Yep!" Yunhyeong said happily, sweeping a hand over the plates around him. "Pancakes, rice, bacon, soup, waffles, all sorts of galore. Only thing we don't have is toast because...well, I don't want to get into that."

"What are _you_ doing here?" Jiwon asked Junhoe curiously, wrapping his arms around the younger's shoulders from behind and Junhoe shrugged, patting Jiwon's arm as he muttered, "Someone's gotta take you home."

"You had fun last night, right?"

Junhoe sighed heavily in reply, looking down and he seemed so done with everything. "Something happened. Something bad. I need to talk to you later, and I think you need to talk to me too."

"O-Oh, yeah, of course-"

"Stop cuddling and sit down," Yunhyeong teased, tapping the counter with his spatula and Junhoe flushed pink while Jiwon instantly sprung away from him, muttering a small apology as he took a seat on the other stool. But Junhoe still sent him a smile a moment later and it was the exact thing that Jiwon needed to lose all his feelings of numbness and emptiness, because he was more than what Hanbin made him. He had a chance to start again like he had so many times before but this time, he was going to change for the better and not let himself be washed up into another mess that he didn't deserve to be in.

"If you want to know, Hanbin left because Junhoe kicked him out at four am," Yunhyeong said, leaning over the counter and handing Jiwon a plate of waffles and bacon. Jiwon raised an eyebrow at Junhoe who looked away.

"It was the right thing to do!" Chanwoo called out from where his head was in the fridge. "If you woke up to him then you would've had that typical epiphany thing about how soft and cutesy and domestic it all was and you wouldn't have been able to let go."

"That's...yeah, that's really true. Thank you," Jiwon murmured, nudging Junhoe who only shook his head in a 'don't mention it like seriously don't, it's embarrassing' sort of way. "You guys are honestly the best, I feel like we're one small family right now and it's great."

"So Junhoe's the kid and Chanwoo's the stepdad who's trying his best to gain his affection?" Yunhyeong asked amusedly just after Chanwoo tried to offer Junhoe milk and the latter completely blanked him, leaving Jiwon cackling at how perfectly it fit. Chanwoo frowned at Yunhyeong in hurt, leaning into his side so Yunhyeong pecked his lips for compensation, petting his head. "It's okay, kids always come around eventually."

They all started eating breakfast then, and the atmosphere was warm and touching as Junhoe fought with Yunhyeong over the salt and Chanwoo kept on asking Jiwon questions about how life was going and Jiwon realised that he hadn't really been thinking about much other than Hanbin until recently. So he told Chanwoo that he was trying to find his purpose in life and the younger nodded, pointing his fork at Jiwon as he said, "I've been trying to tell you to do that for four years."

Jiwon smiled sheepishly. "I know."

"Can I ask a question? It's something that I've been curious about."

"Of course you can."

"Are you angry at Hanbin for not being able to love you back?"

And Jiwon's heart just dropped to his stomach. Chanwoo only looked at him, all stoic and professional and suddenly Junhoe and Yunhyeong were listening too, both of them looking very concerned but they clearly wanted to know the answer too. So Jiwon gathered his wits, taking in a breath as he looked down at the table, clenched his fists, and cleared his mind. There was only one way to answer this question even if it hurt him.

"No."

"No?"

"You think I could possibly be angry when Hanbin's been in love with Jinhwan-hyung for years, _years_ on end? Do you really think I could rival that when I've literally only known him for a few months? I don't know the inner workings of Hanbin's mind but it's only normal to assume that he's loyal, he wouldn't sway that easily and I would _never_ blame him for that. He deserves better than me anyway. If I'm angry then I'd be even more of a terrible person."

"I've raised you well," Chanwoo said in satisfaction, eyes sparkling as he dodged Jiwon's half-hearted lunge at him. "The only thing I regret is not showing you that you _are_ worth it, and also not meeting Hanbin? I wanna know his side so bad."

"You know what, so do I?" Jiwon realised, feeling confused at his own thoughts. "He doesn't tell me much. It's just me who keeps going on about my feelings like, he hasn't mentioned Jinhwan in ages, the only thing that's clear is that he wants nothing to do with me anymore."

"Maybe he's confused too, hyung. Maybe he also needs a friend but I'm guessing that he doesn't feel like he has anyone to talk to."

"It's true, I went to his dorm yesterday to talk to him and I think that was the most progress he's had in a while with his emotions," Junhoe pointed out and Jiwon furrowed his eyebrows, now feeling even worse. Was Hanbin really suffering too? But why?

"The plan worked," Jiwon muttered, eyes downcast as a light sense of forced acceptance settled inside him. "I taught him how to kiss, now he's going to get the guy. In the end, isn't that it? Isn't the story over?"

"No, _his_ story's over. But yours isn't. You'll make more memories and make some right decisions too and then you'll finally get an ending you deserve," Junhoe said before anyone else could speak and Jiwon blinked at him as well as the others, all surprised. Junhoe looked burdened by the attention and closed his mouth, clearly not about to say anything else but then Jiwon was hugging Junhoe's arm tightly, resting his head on Junhoe's shoulder.

"Thank you."

"I didn't do anything-"

"Shut up. You're the bestest friend ever."

Junhoe grimaced but only to hide his blush and how badly he wanted to smile, but then the moment was ruined by Yunhyeong cooing at them and Jiwon had to hold Junhoe back from throwing the salt-shaker at him while Chanwoo spread himself out in front of Yunhyeong like some kind of shield. One small family indeed.

~~~

Hanbin was walking back to his dorm early in the night, so tired that he was basically dragging himself up the stairs at this point. His hair was messy and his face was almost all covered by a turtleneck and glasses and he had a guitar on his back that hated him so much that it was trying to make him topple over. He had decided to just skip Psychology class since he was planning to drop it anyway, the subject gave him too many bad memories now, but he froze at the top of the last flight of stairs when he heard a very familiar voice say, "I'm sorry."

That was Jinhwan.

"I hate you."

Oh God, that was Junhoe.

"I know you do-"

"Like I physically hate you now. No dislike business, I actually harbour _loathing-_ "

"Stop making the wound deeper, I know!"

"If you knew then why would you kiss me?"

Hanbin's eyes widened, and suddenly it was like all the life had been sucked out of him just for a split-second as he rested against the wall, his breath stuttering before it came back full force and he almost choked on how hard his lungs wanted him to breathe. But he didn't feel like breathing for the moment, not until he realised that he had to hear more.

"I...look, I wasn't thinking, it's not-"

"I told you, shortcake, I straight up _told you_ that I'd never be into you anymore. Or again, I don't- I can't remember what I said but I'd just never want you to kiss me, end of!"

"Was it that repulsive?"

" _So_ repulsive. Disgusting. Horrible. 10/10 would not recommend. Rinsed my mouth out after."

"Jesus, it was barely even a peck..."

"Why did you do it, though? Why the hell would you do that after all I've done to try and put you off me in every way possib-"

"Because you're beautiful, alright? And I really _wasn't_ thinking, I was a bit tipsy, you looked like some kind of angel and I just really like you and I've told you that tons of times and for once, I couldn't control myself and it just...happened. How many times do I have to say I'm sorry?"

And then Hanbin couldn't help it anymore as he pushed himself off the wall, turning the corner before standing still and calling out, "Maybe you guys shouldn't be so loud. Someone could hear you."

Junhoe caught sight of Hanbin first, his eyes widening as he quickly opened his mouth only to not know what to say, and then Jinhwan was spinning around and Hanbin could barely bear to look at him for a moment. Jinhwan looked upset and embarrassed but it wasn't anything to do with Hanbin. It wasn't like he had cheated on Hanbin, it wasn't like they were ever, _ever_ going to be together anyway.

Hanbin could see it now.

"Hanbin, how much did you hear? It's not what it seems like," Junhoe said, looking so ashamed of himself but Hanbin ignored him, only looking at Jinhwan who was laughing nervously. The sight made Hanbin feel a little sick in the stomach.

"He's right, Bin, it didn't mean anything. I know it'd be awkward if it-"

"We were never going to be something, were we?" Hanbin asked, eyes shining with unshed tears as he lowered his guitar to the ground, never breaking eye contact with Jinhwan. The elder furrowed his eyebrows, about to speak but Hanbin stopped him with a hollow laugh. "God, why do I always get my hopes up? Why did I even think that there was a possibility that you liked me back and that was why you haven't dated someone in so long? Why do I make decisions that always come in the way of my own happiness? Why am I just always, always wrong?"

"Get out of the way, midget," Junhoe growled at Jinhwan when the elder in his confused state tried to go towards Hanbin to maybe hug him and Hanbin probably would've let him, too vulnerable to do anything else but in the end it wasn't Jinhwan hugging him but it was Junhoe, wrapping Hanbin up in his arms almost fiercely and Hanbin hugged him back shakily, digging his hands into Junhoe's jacket as he breathed in and out deeply but silently. Junhoe was rubbing his back, muttering, "It's okay, hyung, please, it's okay-"

"I'm fine, Junhoe-"

"No, shut your mouth. I'm so sorry, I just...I should've been more careful. I should've kept as far away from him as possible and I just- it's okay if you hate me. _I_ hate me right now and that takes a lot to do."

"Do you even know how good of a friend you are?" Hanbin asked as he leant up to whisper in Junhoe's ear, voice raspy as his eyes filled with tears and he didn't want to make them stop. He wanted to cry himself dry. "I know you're only pushing him away because of me and that's so fucking sweet but you don't have to. You can have him."

"No, hyung, seriously, I'm not into him one single bit-"

"I want both of you to be happy. Are you sure the kiss you were talking about didn't mean anything?"

"No. All I was thinking about was _you_ and how...how much you'd hate me if you found out but you still needed to know and I wanted to tell you but you've been so MIA today and last night I had the chance but you were with Jiwon-hyung and you looked, you looked too content. Could've even told you this morning but I wanted you to leave with a clear mind and I wanted you to have at least _one_ day where you'd be happy. You deserve it, at the very least, and now it's just been ruined and I can't say sorry enough."

"Oh my God, can I just date you instead? Why are you so perfect?"

"Shut _up,_ " Junhoe whined, punching Hanbin lightly in the gut and Hanbin laughed, hugging Junhoe tighter before the younger whispered, "Is Jinhwan still there?"

"Oh, uh..." Hanbin looked over Junhoe's shoulder to check and no, there was no sign of Jinhwan. Hanbin didn't know how to feel about that, and he wondered when and why Jinhwan left. "No. He's vanished."

"Thank God. Flipping despise the guy. Now do you want to get ice-cream and laugh at ducks falling into the lake or-"

"Junhoe, I'm absolutely in love with you right now but...I think I need to talk to Jinhwan-hyung. Please don't be mad," Hanbin pleaded as he let go of Junhoe, smoothing the younger's jacket down since it had got a bit dishevelled in Hanbin's hold. Junhoe looked at him curiously before slowly nodding, but before Hanbin left completely, he remembered something. "And, uh, when you said you'd never be into Jinhwan-hyung 'anymore'...did you like him once?"

Junhoe winced like he hated the memory so much. "Many, many, many years ago under materialism and false pretences. In short, I was young and hormonal and dumb."

Hanbin grinned, sniffing a little as he said with a joking but slightly cracked voice, "You two'd be cute."

Junhoe had never looked more offended (which was saying something) as he just stood there, mouth open and brow so furrowed that it was as if it would curl in on itself and Hanbin only smiled bigger, patting his back before walking off lugging his guitar and going towards his dorm that was just a few doors down, struggling to open the door before it just opened by itself and he was being tugged inside which he allowed to happen, not fighting back at all. And then Hanbin was (almost) face to face with someone who he had believed was the love of his life for six long years, someone who was so beautiful, someone who wasn't meant for him.

"Hi," Hanbin said after a moment, a soft smile on his face as Jinhwan said just as breathlessly, "Hey."

"So..."

"We need to have a well-overdue talk, don't we?"

"I think that's the truest thing I've ever heard."

Jinhwan took hold of both of Hanbin's hands and brought them up to his face, pressing them together as he closed his eyes, looking so small and burdened. Hanbin watched him, swallowing in fear of what was about to come but he didn't really expect Jinhwan to breathe out, "I should've known. You've never been the best at being subtle."

"Yeah. Junhoe told me that yesterday."

"You know I love you," Jinhwan whispered, pressing a soft kiss to Hanbin's knuckles and Hanbin wanted to break down into tears all over again. "Honestly, I love you more than you'd ever know. You're my best friend, you're my world, I'd do anything for you. And this...this just makes me so sad because you're worth so so _so_ much more than pining after someone like me."

"Hyung, don't say that-"

"I'm not putting myself down, I mean I am a little but I also mean, you don't deserve to be a victim of unrequited love.

"Well, funny that..."

"Think about it. Are you completely certain that you like me?" Jinhwan asked seriously, staring right into Hanbin's eyes and the moment was too intense while Hanbin just wanted softness, he just wanted to cuddle and watch a movie and be ignorantly happy for a while. Didn't he deserve that after all this stress? "If it's been a long time coming then maybe it faded and you're just kidding yourself. Or I'm wrong. Either way we can work this out because I don't want you hurting anymore."

"Do you like Junhoe?"

Jinhwan froze, red rising up from the base of his neck and Hanbin almost laughed. "I mean...just...he's a prick but a really cute prick, you know? And seeing him be such a darling to you and Jiwon, it just warms my heart and I get all jealous 'cause I wanna know what it would be like if he didn't hate my guts and- okay, we're not talking about this!"

"No, no but we should. Isn't this the type of thing best friends talk about, you know, cute people we have crushes on and stuff? Eww, can't believe I just implied that Junhoe's _cute..._ "

"Jesus Christ, Hanbin, I love you so much," Jinhwan sighed with a relieved, disbelieving grin as he squeezed Hanbin's hands tightly and Hanbin raised his eyebrows at the non-sequitur but squeezed Jinhwan's hands back. "I love you, I love you because even when you're in pain, you're understanding and funny and you don't _need_ to be, I can leave you alone for however long you'd like if it would help-"

"Don't do that. I just...I just feel like I went through years of yearning and heartbreak for nothing, I went through months of preparation and turmoil for nothing, I hurt another amazing guy for _nothing._ "

Jinhwan furrowed his eyebrows, questioning so Hanbin led him to the bedrooms just so they could sit down and have a comfortable atmosphere, sitting cross-legged opposite each other on Jinhwan's bed with hands still intertwined, and that was when Hanbin closed his eyes and just told Jinhwan everything. About what him and Jiwon really got up to when they were out late together, the lessons, how Jiwon had fallen for him, Junhoe's talk with him, the night before at the party, how he had wanted to curl up and die for the past week because he didn't know how to deal with everything. And while he spoke, his hands shook and his eyes filled up again and his breathing grew laboured but he couldn't stop. He couldn't stop pouring his heart out because he loved Jiwon so much and this might just be the last time that he could ever express it. The _amount of times_ that he had told himself that he was letting Jiwon go, and it just never happened. His heart wouldn't let him.

And when he was done, he was so lost and his head was off in space but the soft, amused look that Jinhwan was giving him brought him back down to earth as he said shakily, "W-What? Am I stupid? Am I pathetic?"

"No. It's just funny how you think you did all of that for me."

"What?"

"You love the guy, Hanbin."

"I know."

"No, I mean-" Jinhwan got up and went over to Hanbin's side of the room, searching through an unpacked box at the side of Hanbin's bed which held the younger's treasures. Hanbin blinked, looking at him in confusion but then Jinhwan made a small 'aha' noise before he was bounding back over to the bed with a white book in his hands. Hanbin's eyes widened at the sight of it since it was probably the most special thing he owned, a scrapbook of sorts that held all kinds of things that had just sprung to his mind ever since he was nine to now. Junhoe and Jinhwan were the only two who had seen every page, even working with him on some of them, so Hanbin felt ridiculously scared when he saw Jinhwan flicking through the book determinedly to find a certain page. Bringing up his cringy thirteen-year-old poems would do _nothing_ to help, nor would looking at photos of fun ice-cream dates with his sister. "Oh, I got it!"

"Okay..."

"Here," Jinhwan said excitedly, smoothing out the pages before turning it upside down so Hanbin could read it, eyes narrowed and mind processing his fifteen-year-old writing and doodles. But then his mind was clearing and his heart was fluttering because on it were words that had always stuck with him, resonating loud in the back of his mind even as he grew and put things behind him, but some things just never leave you. The title of the entry was 'this person'.

_'One day, I'm going to meet a girl or a boy who will be my soulmate!_

_I'm always running so much that I get out of breath every second, racing against time and life and it's getting harder and harder to keep winning; but this person will cheer me on or run with me every step of the way, and when that happens, winning won't be important anymore._

_This person will complete my galaxy and shine the brightest of them all._

_This person will make me happy with one look, make me laugh with a few words, make my heart burst with one kiss? Hopefully I'll be able to do all of that to them too._

_Maybe I'll never see this person for who they are, and they'll never see me._

_Maybe we'll miss the timing and skip over each other completely._

_Maybe things will be complicated. Maybe things will be easy. Maybe both._

_But it's all still love._

_One day I'm going to meet a girl or boy who will be my soulmate, and if things turn out right, I am going to try my very best to love this person so much for the rest of our lives.'_

"Do you know who this person is, Hanbin?" Jinhwan asked, a beam on his face as he watched Hanbin scan his eyes over the words over and over again. "This person isn't me. Love is a journey, and everything you just told me was a journey and a _half._ This person is Kim Jiwon and it could never be anyone else."

Hanbin slowly tore his eyes away from the book to look at Jinhwan, feeling weak, exposed and bewildered. "What did you just-"

"It's all on the paper, it's all in your fifteen-year-old words. You're not seeing him for who he is. You don't see that he fits this description perfectly, and that's why you're about to miss the timing. You're about to let things turn out wrong and you're going to miss the chance to love your soulmate for the rest of his life while he loves you for the rest of yours. Or, whoever dies first, I don't know."

"Hyung-"

"Am I wrong?" Jinhwan asked with narrowed eyes, surging forward and taking hold of Hanbin's hands firmly and Hanbin gulped, deciding to shut up. "Have I ever led you astray? Have I ever read you wrong?"

"No but-"

"Remember how he makes you feel, Bin. From what it sounds like, he can make all your dreams come true but also dash them in a second. That's true love."

"And I let him go," Hanbin murmured, still so confused but he was starting to understand, then he yelped when Jinhwan hit him round the head.

"No you didn't, idiot! Letting someone go only works when your feelings are in line with that decision but literally _all_ your business and feelings are unfinished. Why are you so clueless..."

"Junhoe said that yesterday."

"Well, he's absolutely right. You made Jiwon, the poor guy suffer for weeks just because you couldn't get your feelings in check? Fucking hell, Hanbin, you're trash," Jinhwan tutted, looking a mixture of ticked off and so amused and Hanbin could only laugh, then laugh _harder_ because after so much denial and complications, there could only be hazy hysteria at finally having everything sorted out. Things weren't messy anymore, and there was a chance, a very, _very_ minuscule chance that things would turn out right.

_Hanbin's eyebrows raised in surprise before Jiwon opened his eyes and gave him a bright, toothy smile. "Doll."_

_"Yeah?"_

_"I'm just saying. You're a doll. You're my doll."_

Hanbin's heartbeat was racing so fast but his thoughts were calm as he whispered to himself, just for him to lock up and keep in his heart, "I'm his doll."

The storm was over. Only cloud nines remained.

~~~

Jiwon was in the midst of cleaning his apartment that night, headphones on his ears as he twirled around with his broom, either pretending it was a person or a guitar or a microphone. He wasn't really getting enough _cleaning_ done but he didn't care enough to notice. He was in the middle of sweeping across the floor on his knees with his hollering, probably ear-splitting rendition of 'We Will Rock You' but then he just about heard the doorbell ring and he shut up, suddenly incredibly embarrassed.

"They wouldn't have _heard_ you, it's okay," Jiwon muttered to himself, laughing nervously as he threw the broom to the side and got up, switching his music off. "Besides, this is a free country! If a postman gets irked by incredible rockstar screaming then what hope is there for the rest of us?"

Jiwon was cautious as he neared his door because he honestly didn't expect it to be the postman, not at nine pm or whatever time at night it was. He tried to rack his brains for who it could be, a friend, a murderer, and his options were limited and he didn't really have anything to lose so he went for it and opened the door. "Hi-"

"Hyung, I know you said last night would be the last time," a wretched but still beautiful voice said and Jiwon's voice completely died in his throat as he watched the love/bane of his life on his doorstep again. When he thought it was all over. "But I'm about to break that promise because I've finally figured it all out. I'm finally not clueless anymore."

Jiwon was holding his breath, eyes wide as he was unsure of where this was going but then in a blink of an eye, Hanbin was pressing up close to him, wrapping his arms around Jiwon's waist as he pulled the elder into his chest and Jiwon's heart and breath and pulse and everything stuttered as he stared at Hanbin in disbelief and he knew, he _knew_ that this had to be a dream. But Hanbin was so warm and solid against him as he raised a hand to trace his fingers gently along Jiwon's cheek, soft and affectionate and so apologetic, and Jiwon was having a hard time staying conscious.

"I want to love you, your mind, your body, your heart, every inch. I want to love you and if you let me, it'll be the best thing that I'll ever do."

Jiwon had so many questions. _What about Jinhwan? When did this happen? **Why** did this happen? Am I dreaming? Are you actually a devil coming to taunt me? Did I die, am I in heaven? Are you trying to make me faint? What is the meaning of life? Is my life just a movie and it's going to end after this? Why are you making me question my existence?_

But amidst it all, the one thing he decided to do was tug Hanbin even closer and kiss him hard, pressing their lips together desperately in the urge to believe that this was actually real and Hanbin wasn't going to disappear the instant their lips met. But he didn't, no, Hanbin kissed _back_ as he kicked the door closed behind him and pinned Jiwon to the wall gently and that was a dealbreaker for their kiss as it grew lighter, more broken, soft-lipped and tender because they were too overwhelmed to let any kisses last longer than a second.

"I can barely remember how to kiss you anymore but it's still like I'm in heaven," Hanbin murmured between soft brushes of lips, a fond smile growing when they pulled apart because Jiwon couldn't help but laugh. "Jesus, you're beautiful, hyung. So beautiful. Why was I stupid enough to nearly let you go?"

"Come on, baby, I think we need to talk because I'm so confused-"

"No, _no_ more talking, I've done enough of that today to last me a lifetime," Hanbin whispered, still eyeing Jiwon's lips before chasing them, kissing him again and Jiwon felt his legs go weak as euphoria became his headspace. "We'll talk later and I'll tell you everything but tonight, can we just be happy and intimate and in love like nothing was ever wrong?"

Jiwon grinned, nodding as he stroked the side of Hanbin's jaw, still unsure that he was real. "That's all I've ever wanted."

 


	21. class dismissed

They were lying on Jiwon's bed at three am, the curtains open and moonlight shining through the curtains even as hazy wisps of white light were starting to break through to show signs of dawn. The lamp on the bedside table was the only other source of light as Hanbin lay on top of Jiwon, kissing the elder gently as his hands cupped his face as lightly as he could and Jiwon was holding onto him loosely, arms around the younger's waist with their legs tangled up in each other's and chests pressed together so their hearts were so close. Jiwon would feel a sense of fatigue wash over him every now and then but whenever Hanbin told him to sleep, he'd shake his head and kiss the younger's beautiful lips before stirring awake again because Hanbin was the best alternative for caffeine.

"I'm not dreaming, right?" Jiwon whispered once they broke away for what seemed like good, and Jiwon's eyes fluttered shut when Hanbin kissed his temple. "You're not going to disappear at the stroke of midnight?"

"It's well past midnight, hyung, so I'm pretty sure I'm here to stay."

"What happened in the space of, what, twenty hours? One minute you wanted to leave me behind, and the next...this."

Hanbin sighed, starting to move so he could get off of Jiwon but the elder started holding on tighter, raising a hand to the back of Hanbin's head and pulling it down gently so it could rest on his chest. Hanbin exhaled heavily, closing his eyes as he listened to Jiwon's calm heartbeat for a moment before saying quietly, "A lot of things happened."

Jiwon nodded, understanding, then hesitating before he said, "Do you know that something happened between Jinhwan-hyung and-"

"He kissed Junhoe. I know."

"Yeah," Jiwon muttered, stroking Hanbin's head apologetically and even though Hanbin didn't want nor did he deserve pity, he let Jiwon do it. "Junhoe told me about it earlier today. He's been acting funny since the morning, in such a grumpy mood but when we talked he actually looked like he wanted to cry. You know Junhoe never cries."

"What did he say?"

"He just told me that he was terrified that you'd hate him and your friendship would be over and it'd all be Jinhwan's fault, you know, the usual."

"Jesus Christ, I would never. I always believe every word that Junhoe says, he's the most trustworthy person I know. Jinhwan-hyung really likes him..."

"Wait, he does? Like _seriously_ seriously? That's so stupid."

Hanbin only shrugged in reply, closing his eyes again as the soft material of Jiwon's shirt rubbed gently against his cheek and it was the perfect thing to make all of this seem more real, less fantastical as if it was all in their heads but it _wasn't_ and the thought made Hanbin's heart just want to explode. After so long, everything might end up okay.

"When did you realise you liked me, hyung?"

"Ah...that's quite a question," Jiwon said quietly, dropping his hand away from Hanbin's head and then the younger reached out and took it in his, intertwining their fingers. Holding hands was kind of a foreign concept for them and it made Jiwon smile shyly, raising his head to peck Hanbin's lips once. "It was a few weeks ago. It just kind of came to me, I realised I adored you a little too much, you made me happy in an instant, I felt all sorts of fireworks and sparks, you lit my heart on fire. And I'm not the type to ignore or deny that kind of thing...I just accepted it and waited to get my heart broken."

"Why didn't you just stop this earlier? Us?"

"I...I just, I was too in love with you," Jiwon muttered, looking so ashamed of himself. "I couldn't bear to. I was selfish, I wanted you just for a bit longer no matter the circumstances."

"No, no you weren't selfish, if anything _I_ was. I wanted you too even though I thought I liked someone else-"

"Uh, no, that's only because I'm irresistible so you couldn't help it," Jiwon countered, sounding dead serious and Hanbin grinned as he snuggled up more into Jiwon's chest. "Look, I think we both did some things that we don't know the reason for, or that we're ashamed of, or both. It's been a long ride."

"All I know at this point is that I love you so much," Hanbin murmured, raising his head as he rested his hands on either side of Jiwon's face, the skin warm and soft underneath his hands. Jiwon looked up at him admiringly but shyly and Hanbin was smitten, overwhelmingly distracted for a moment as he stared at the beautiful man beneath him who was tugging at his heartstrings, and Jiwon had to nudge him to snap him out of it. "I love you and you're my endgame, it was always you."

Jiwon bit his lip, laying his hands over Hanbin's and his eyes were glassy and voice shaky as he said as bluntly as he could, "Hanbin, you- I don't think you know just how much you've hurt me. How much I've been hurting."

Hanbin's breath hitched, his heart squeezing painfully as he broke a few fingers free from Jiwon's hold, stroking them gently across Jiwon's soft lips and the elder smiled tearfully, pursing his lips to press a tumble of kisses to Hanbin's fingers. "Bin, I love you too. I've loved you for so long but I felt like, like I wasn't allowed to. You made me question my existence, my significance, my role in life- so much happened because I fell for you. You were right that one time you said I have more insecurities than I let on, because I'm always changing what I don't like or can't settle with and so I haven't known who I am for most of my life. I don't know if I've been living a lie, or behind a mask, but...you were someone who made me feel real. Worthy. Thinking that it was all a lie made me want to fall apart."

"It wasn't. It wasn't a lie," Hanbin whispered helplessly, hating himself so much as Jiwon gently shook his head.

"But neither of us knew that."

"I never wanted to hurt you."

"I know, baby."

"You mean the world to me. I always knew that I adored you and that you were special but I didn't want to think past that, I wanted to stay in my comfort zone and keep crushing on Jinhwan-hyung. But I was slowly realising that you were changing my plans, I began to see that you were shaking up my heart and my thoughts and it was _scary_. You made me lose the race. You made me run the wrong way. But now I don't care because I never needed to win it in the first place, I just needed to get to...you. You're my finish line."

"Is this an inside metaphor I'm missing out on?" Jiwon asked confusedly and Hanbin shook his head, muttering a small 'don't worry' as he leant down to peck Jiwon's lips again.

"So we're...we're okay? If you want me to suffer in any way because of what I've done to you then just name your terms, I'll do it."

"I would do something like no kisses for a month but then that would be torturing me too," Jiwon snorted, feeling fond as Hanbin smiled bashfully and dipped his head a little. "I don't know. I'm just so elated that you're here with me, and maybe you've suffered enough already."

"No, nowhere near what you have."

"What kind of person would I be if I wanted you to hurt as much as I did? I'm in _love_ with you, Hanbin, you're not an enemy I need to get back at. I never want you to be in pain."

"You're too nice," Hanbin sighed, not wanting to accept being this happy with no consequence. But then Jiwon was pressing up and kissing him slowly, running his fingers gingerly up and down Hanbin's back and the younger just let himself be undone in his arms and fall deeper into a place of intoxicating love, a place where he was meant to be. "H-Hyung, you know- Jinhwan-hyung, he's the reason I'm here. He made me realise that I liked you and not him."

Jiwon blinked up at Hanbin in surprise. "Wow...the guy's my new saviour."

"I realised, when I saw that he kissed Junhoe, that he didn't like me, he never would and he deserved happiness but just not with me. And then we had a long talk about my feelings and love and I finally worked things out."

"What did he say?"

Hanbin shrugged. "He put me on a new track, because I've been running on one for years that turned out to be wrong. He just brought up old memories, of me at fifteen trying to craft my future soulmate. Me at fifteen trying to predict you."

"I'm your soulmate?" Jiwon asked, eyes wide and stunned and Hanbin nodded wildly like he never wanted Jiwon to doubt it, pressing fluttering kisses into the elder's neck as he murmured, "You're my soulmate, the love of my life, my one and only, I can't think of anything else but you, you're just _it_."

Jiwon sighed softly, happily, his eyes slipping shut as he pulled Hanbin closer to him. "You don't...you don't even know how much I've needed this. Affection. Validation that I'm worth something. No matter how cheesy it is, I just need it."

"I'll give you that, I'll give you all of it and more."

"I know you will but I'm still having trouble believing it, I just- I don't know. I gotta stop doubting or I'll end up sabotaging this for myself."

"Do you still think you're dreaming?"

"Honestly? Yes."

"Then..." Hanbin moved back, leaning his hands on the bed either side of Jiwon as he pushed himself up, hovering over the elder whose arms slipped off Hanbin and he looked at the younger confusedly, but his eyes darkened a little when he saw Hanbin lick his lips slowly. "I don't know if I'll do it right, but...let me do something. Something that'll leave a mark."

"There's no right or wrong, doll," Jiwon murmured, reaching up a hand to use his nimble fingers just to undo the top button of Hanbin's shirt, maybe for no reason at all, maybe for so many reasons, and the younger blinked, his breathing rate increasing way too fast. "Do whatever you want."

"Can you kiss me first?" Hanbin asked a little helplessly, still hesitant and Jiwon smiled amusedly, nodding as he pulled Hanbin's face down and fit their lips together, slowly. It was soft, maybe too soft for the circumstances but that helped Hanbin to not get too lost in it as he slowly broke away without his lips leaving Jiwon's skin, by kissing down to his jaw where each brush of his lips were soft drags and light touches. He could hear Jiwon's breath hitch, his hands curling shakily at the curves of Hanbin's waist, and Hanbin pecked his lips one last time before focusing on his neck, taking a moment to breathe as he looked at the milky stretch of skin, unmarked, untouched. He wanted it but he was too reluctant, knowing very well that he didn't have much idea of what to do but then he realised that people who did this never followed textbook rules, so Hanbin decided to just do whatever he wanted while remembering what Jiwon had done to _him_ before in the back of his mind.

" _Fuck_ ," Jiwon hissed as Hanbin attached his lips to the base of his neck and moved up it, his kisses leaving a trail of heat as he nipped gently at Jiwon's skin, not too interested in leaving marks but then Jiwon was quietly moaning into Hanbin's ear and all sensibility left his mind. He dragged his lips across the smooth skin, obsessed with how it felt underneath him and how Jiwon was reacting as he darted his tongue out to give soft kitten licks up his neck as he moved upwards, laughing when Jiwon almost tried to stop him before simply collapsing back against the bed, giving in. Hanbin wondered how much pleasure he could possibly be giving him; probably none.

"Your skin's so soft," Hanbin murmured, kissing it less hotly but fondly, and maybe Jiwon would have answered but then Hanbin was sucking gently on his collarbone and Jiwon's voice was limited to light gasps. Hanbin felt like a sadist but the soft mark that his lips left looked somewhat beautiful on Jiwon and even as he wondered if it hurt, he dragged his lips tenderly across and tried to make more, biting down and he bristled in surprise when Jiwon groaned loudly, trying to angle himself more towards Hanbin's mouth and the younger blinked, completely mesmerised for a moment as he watched Jiwon's half-closed eyes, his pretty pink lips parted and taking soft breaths in and out, the sweat forming and Hanbin had the obscene urge to lick it off.

"D-Don't stop," Jiwon whispered, his voice scratchy and spent and Hanbin felt his heartbeat speed up just from hearing it, and when Jiwon cracked an eye open to look up at him, it all just went even crazier, his mind, his soul, his heart. "What's wrong?"

"You're just- you're beautiful."

Jiwon flushed red, averting his eyes as he mumbled defensively, "Shut up-"

"You're stunning," Hanbin praised, ignoring Jiwon's words as he started unbuttoning the elder's shirt, leaving Jiwon gasping out in surprise. "Gorgeous. Mine."

"Baby," Jiwon whined softly, the word leaving his mouth quietly, breathily, like a ghost of a plea as Hanbin stopped for a moment to run the pad of his thumb gently over the marks he made, in awe as he watched Jiwon's porcelain skin moving up and down because of his breathing. "Please..."

Hanbin nodded immediately, completely spellbound by Jiwon that he'd probably do anything he said as he quickly tried to finish unbuttoning, his fingers fumbling a little and tripping over each other so Jiwon gently rested his hands over them and pushed them away, finishing the job himself and Hanbin's heart stuttered when he was done, quickly swallowing the embarrassing noise that could have left his mouth. "Oh gosh, hyung..."

"I know," Jiwon teased, winking up at Hanbin but his smile melted into a shaky breath as Hanbin's warm hands travelled down Jiwon's torso as if he was possessed, gently digging into ridges and curves as he simply marvelled at what was below him and Jiwon was getting borderline impatient, his hand reaching up to Hanbin's arm so maybe he could flip their positions around but in an instant, soft, wet lips were trailing across his chest in hot open-mouthed kisses and Jiwon winced, completely gone as he clawed helplessly at his blankets, clutching them tight between his fingers. Hanbin looked at him once, maintaining fierce eye contact that had Jiwon flushing even more red while Hanbin smirked, leaning down once more to lick a hot stripe up Jiwon's abs for a reason that the logical part of his mind didn't want to fathom, but the way Jiwon arched up and keened so beautifully screamed 'worth it'.

"I love you," Hanbin murmured, pressing the words into Jiwon's skin in hope that they'll stay there, dragging his lips gently across Jiwon's waistline, his kisses becoming more profound, adoring and when Jiwon tugged Hanbin's head up, it was almost sweet relief when their mouths fell together silently, tired lips against soothing ones as Jiwon felt the need to roll over so that Hanbin could lay beside him now, both of them facing each other but eyes closed and bodies, lips, hearts locked.

"Let's sleep, doll," Jiwon said quietly, brushing his lips over Hanbin's jaw and his cheeks and his nose and his forehead and the younger grinned, letting his eyes flutter closed as he pressed up close to Jiwon, laying a hand on the elder's bare chest. "Thank you, for everything."

"No," Hanbin muttered, shaking his head firmly even though he was already so close to being asleep. "Thank _you_. You've made my galaxy the brightest one in the universe."

~~~

"Hey," Jiwon said cheerfully, swooping into the space beside Junhoe who looked up from his phone to grin at him. Jiwon grinned back, forgetting for a moment that he was there to pick up Hanbin because he was still elated that he had the power to make Junhoe smile at him so easily. Things had come such a long way. "What are we talking about?"

"Nothing. I'm not talking. Ask _them_."

"I tried to get him into the conversation but he's been blanking us, so I decided to leave him be," Hanbin sighed, throwing a pen up and down while Jinhwan didn't say anything, looking a little meek as if it wasn't his place to chip in. Junhoe scrunched his nose up at him for a split second which would have Jiwon laughing if he didn't have a _bit_ of a moral compass.

"Why are you even here if you aren't gonna talk?"

Junhoe shrugged. "I was here first. Shortcake joined. I'm lazy. The end."

Jiwon snorted at the typical answer, reaching out to pat Junhoe's head and completely ignore the guy's glower as he said louder, to all of them, "I've got news-"

"You guys _are_ together, right? I keep trying to badger Bin since, you know, he didn't come to the dorm last night and all but whenever I ask, he keeps on dissolving into smiles and blushes and sappy stuff," Jinhwan suddenly piped up, looking considerably happier at the subject change and Hanbin flushed, pushing Jinhwan away from him like he was a parasite but before anyone could answer, Junhoe was one step ahead to bite Jinhwan's head off.

"Why would you care? It's not like you _knew_ anything, it's not like you didn't-"

"Junhoe," Jiwon interrupted gently, resting a hand on Junhoe's arm warningly. "He's the reason me and Hanbin are okay now. Lay off a little, I owe him so much."

Hanbin nodded, wrapping an arm around Jinhwan's shoulders. "Very, very true."

Junhoe blinked at Jinhwan, a hint of surprise in his eyes while the elder looked at the ground, shyly avoiding his gaze as he grumbled a small, "It's not like I did anything but kickstart your stupid brain." 

"Yeah, and it gave me happiness. Something that you two deserve, trust me," Hanbin said pointedly, looking between Junhoe and Jinhwan and one just rolled their eyes while the other smiled, elbowing Hanbin lightly as he said, "Of course but sadly, not with each other."

"Why would you even _mention_ that?" Junhoe asked Jinhwan in horror, his face disgustedly curled up and Jinhwan sighed in disappointment as he waved a hand. 

"Forget I said anything."

"You know, Donghyuk called," Jiwon said, mostly to cut through potential messy one-sided quarrelling. "He might kill me for telling you guys the news myself but, him working his ass off these past few months has paid off, no matter how much we haven't seen him. He got his dance scholarship. 90%. He's going to America." 

"Holy shit," Jinhwan breathed out while Hanbin and Junhoe stayed silent, not sure what to say. Then they were all looking at each other, a sense of congratulation and cheer but confusion in the air. "Should we celebrate? Why is this so anti-climactic?"

"Because we're growing up," Jiwon said, sadness hidden away by the smile on his face. "And we know it. We've matured a little, and we're finding our own lives. We don't spend as much time together as we used too, I barely see some of you anymore. Hyung, you're going to graduate soon. Donghyuk's gonna leave too. There's a chance I'll drop out of uni and from what it sounds like, Yunhyeong might drop out with me. We were never a squad per se but we were one in spirit and now we're all growing up and leaving it behind."  

"Ji, what the fuck-"

"It's true. It's so unnecessarily deep but true," Hanbin muttered, looking withdrawn. "We're _old_. We're in our _twenties_. Meaning, we're starting to get our shit together and things aren't staying the same as they used to. We're mature now or at least matur _er_  which is scary, but it's true." 

"I miss it," Jinhwan said, eyes wide and glassy but he wasn't about to cry. "I miss being young. I'm still _trying_ to be young. I try to see you guys, I try to keep the squad together even though it hasn't been working, I even kissed a guy three years younger than me who acts like the biggest kid ever."

Junhoe looked starkly offended. "Um, excuse me-"

"Okay, I think I'm gonna steal Hanbin away from you guys before this gets any more out of hand," Jiwon said quickly, reaching out a hand and Hanbin took hold of it tightly. "I wasn't trying to start anything, I just—you know. I'm highlighting the differences. I'm seeing the bigger picture now. But I love you guys, including the ones who aren't here, and I'm willing to hope that's one of the only things that won't change." 

"Go on your date before I cry like a baby," Jinhwan sniffed, raising his leg to kick Jiwon's and the elder yelped in pain as Hanbin laughed, hopping up and sticking to Jiwon's side. "Have fun and stop being so _depressing_." 

Jiwon snorted, rolling his eyes before Hanbin was kissing him and pretty much every other thought left his mind. And before the others could chase them out because of too much  PDA, Hanbin was dragging Jiwon (who was basically a sickeningly lovesick bunny gazing after him) out of the hall, leaving Junhoe and Jinhwan alone.

"Did you mean it?"

Jinhwan blinked at Junhoe one too many times, unsure whether to be confused or happy. "Three questions—one, are you talking to me? Two, mean what? Three, are you _seriously_ talking to me?" 

Junhoe sighed irritatedly, already looking like he regretted this but then his features smoothed out, and he didn't look so angry. This was probably Jinhwan's favourite Junhoe, the contemplating, calm one. "The thing about youth. Did you really kiss me because it made you feel young?" 

"I mean...it's just a theory. I think so."

"Is that the only reason?"

"I already told you, Junhoe, you looked really gorgeous. An angel under hazy party lights."

Junhoe nodded slowly but now this was getting Jinhwan's brain whirring, his heart beating just a little bit faster as he said, "I think, if...there was _any_ possibility that I had a crush on you, then you shouldn't worry about it anyway. I'm not gonna try to pursue you. I've already almost given up on my promise, to make you forgive me, because I can tell that you really hate me. And that's okay. I can be okay with that. Or maybe I really can't, but I'm willing to kid myself that I am to make this a little easier. What am I trying to say anymore? I don't know, I just- I should go."

"Sometimes I forget," Junhoe blurted out, making Jinhwan jolt, "why I hate you. Because you're sweet. I deplore it, but you are, and you made Jiwon-hyung and Hanbin happy so I don't want to _hate_ you anymore. But I'm still a master at holding grudges and I'm never going to just let this go."

"I know. I really do."

"But the people I abhor the most are those who don't keep to their word," Junhoe said before he stood up, slinging his bag over his shoulder as he looked down at Jinhwan still on the floor, the expression in his eyes a mixture of cold and something akin to perhaps lighter fluid. He was waiting for someone, Jinhwan, to set it on fire. "Giving up on making me forgive you doesn't irk me in itself, but giving up on something you said you'd do, in all confidence? Atrocious. You might as well be dirt on my shoe."

Jinhwan felt an array of things. Hurt, confusion, inspiration, hope, and he smiled up at Junhoe as he said, "You truly do talk funny sometimes. I love it." 

"Farewell, peasant," was Junhoe's reply as he turned on his heel and left, and the words didn't even sound haughty for some spectacular reason, it was like they were _made_  to roll off his tongue. Jinhwan really wouldn't be surprised if secretly, behind closed doors, Junhoe was a prince who was only pretending to pose with ordinary people but it didn't work, he still stuck out like a sore thumb. And in the worst ways possible, he made Jinhwan giddy, he made Jinhwan want to grin so hard for hours, he made Jinhwan's heart race but that all had to be ignored, because Jinhwan could never allow himself to crush on him.

Though maybe, just maybe in his dreams, it would be okay. 

"Look," Jiwon said to Hanbin, raising his phone as they walked down the hallway together. "This is too cute."

It was the newest post on Yunhyeong's instagram, a picture of Chanwoo with his arms around Yunhyeong's neck from behind as he kissed the elder's forehead while Yunhyeong was tilting his head back, trying to grin up at him as his hands held onto Chanwoo's arms loosely. The post was captioned _'first pic with the boyfriend, where we ended up taking forty selfies with his grumpy uncooperative face before this one just happened without any problems at all'._

"Look at that. Yunhyeong-hyung's own means of growing up."

"Up, up and away." 

"You've really taught me a lot, you know," Hanbin said as he stopped them right by the broom cupboard, and Jiwon raised an eyebrow when he noticed. "About much more than I first wanted you to. You taught me love and pain. Passion. Wonder. You made me able to see the exquisite parts of life that I never knew existed." 

"I let you see them, but you're the one who customised them, situated yourself in them. I'm only a small pawn in your grand scheme of life."

"You saying you're not a big part of my life is like saying that the sky doesn't exist," Hanbin retaliated, sounding too offended and Jiwon smiled amusedly as he leant back against a wall, reaching out for Hanbin's hips to tap his long fingers slowly against them, teasing for a moment before he tugged back so their bodies pressed together, maybe a little too close but neither of them cared as Jiwon peppered Hanbin's neck with loud kisses and the younger laughed brightly, looping his arms around Jiwon's back to keep their distance as small as possible. Jiwon smiled at him gently, hearts dancing in his eyes as he kissed up to the younger's lips that gave him a direct ticket to bliss, murmurs of sweetness and honeyed breaths mixing in with cloying kisses. 

"So," Jiwon said as he leant back, pushing some hair out of Hanbin's face lightly. The younger suddenly felt shy at the one, open-ended word that could propose too many questions and answers. 

"So..."

"We're kind of a thing now."

Hanbin elbowed Jiwon's gut, making the elder yelp. "You're really no Shakespeare, hyung."

"I'm just saying, we're, you know, _doing_ stuff. We've got it sorted. We can go anywhere we want from here."

"Anywhere we want?"

"Anywhere. Metaphorically. Going to _actual_ places like Alaska might not be the best way to go-"

"Boyfriend," Hanbin blurted out before freezing up and Jiwon fell quiet immediately, staring at Hanbin in anticipation and encouragement and the younger fell over his words as he tried to speak, to elaborate. "I just, I'm, I've never _had_ one of those. I've never dated and I just- I've watched all those films and read all those books and I still don't know how to do this and how to ask or how to even begin to ask, or how to know if it's the right _time_ to ask and I, I know absolutely nothing about any of it but I just know that...if you don't end up my boyfriend, I've failed in every single way." 

"Kim Hanbin," Jiwon murmured, smiling so enchantedly as he stroked Hanbin's cheek gently with soft swishes from his fingers and the younger stared at him, eyes sparkling and wide and a beautiful pink dusting across the bridge of his nose. "My favourite bin in the world. May I be your boyfriend?"

Hanbin bit his lip, nodding so frantically and Jiwon grinned, literally feeling like the happiest man on earth as their lips met again, intoxicating energy filling their minds before past lessons from so long ago burst forth from Jiwon's memory and he was smiling so big that he _had_ to pull away and Hanbin looked at him curiously. "What?"

"Sir Kim Jiwon dismisses you," Jiwon said in a low voice, his massive smile dissipating into what used to be his signature smirk as he caressed Hanbin's jaw and let his breath ghost the younger's lips, their bodies fitting together so perfectly that it was almost agonising. "You have reached your goal, now the prestigious _Kissing 101_ will collapse as it has come to its ultimate, final end." 

"You, Sir Kim Jiwon," Hanbin said, looking disbelieving and impressed and amused all at once, "are the biggest dork I've ever had the pleasure to know."

"Likewise, doll," Jiwon replied without a beat of hesitation, winking as he pulled Hanbin into the broom cupboard and closed the door behind them, like there was no trace that they were ever there. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guys. yes. this is finished I'm- I know, okay, I'm emotional. okay this is gonna be a long note but bear wiTH me 
> 
> so this, this has been a rollercoaster and a half
> 
> I started this book back in may, that is five months that this book has been in some sort of existence, oh christ. I've had my lows during it because I keep on writing endings to chapters that make me go like 'WHAT THE HECK DO I DO NEXT' because I was stupid and didn't plan anything out, like this ending was literally fabricated last night while writing it, I'm a disappointment to storywriters everywhere. and though writing this book has been incredibly hard, I've loved every second even though it's not that great, and I'm sure it's ridden with plot holes, but you all give me the sweetest comments and all of kudos and even hits make me feel good about this story even though it's one I'm so insecure about. I'm just so glad that I was able to write and finish this story and let people read it and enjoy what I've written, because that feels like a miracle in itself
> 
> I WILL be writing at least one bonus chapter, which will be junhwan, and there's probably a big chance that I'll write one or two bonus chapters for double b too, I'm not sure yet. SO DON'T PUT THIS FIC OUT OF YOUR HEADS JUST YET i mean unless you want to 
> 
> so last off, thank you. for everything. this book blew up more than I ever thought it would, so many people talk about it, I get comments that make me want to cry sometimes and I'm actually so so thankful and amazed that I was able to make somewhat of an impact? I don't know how or why but, you guys seem to believe in this story so maybe I should too.
> 
> have a nice day, everyone. for now, you're all dismissed from Kissing 101 ((: 
> 
> \- hiraeth


	22. bonus - praising you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MATURE CHAPTER 
> 
> BEWARE 
> 
> TIS M A T U R E 
> 
> before I write the junhwan extra, I've had people asking about some nsfw scenes so I decided to do that, so brace yourself! also I've got more than you think planned for upcoming bonuses so I'll see you then ^^

It had all first started, or maybe it wasn't the start but the first time Jiwon had properly realised a change, when him and Hanbin were making out like normal after a long day where soft kisses and skin on skin was a welcomed solution for happiness. Hanbin was straddling Jiwon's waist while cupping the elder's face in his hands, straying away from Jiwon's lips sometimes to kiss his nose or his cheeks and Jiwon would smile dumbly whenever he did that, his hands at Hanbin's hips which would tighten or loosen every few seconds, for no reason at all. The thing that got Jiwon the most heated, though, was when Hanbin would litter soft words of admiration into his skin and Jiwon couldn't get enough of it, moaning gently whenever Hanbin would stroke his ego and call him beautiful, hot, perfect.

"W-Why are you..."

"Hm?" Hanbin asked, his tone lazily questioning as he kissed Jiwon again and the elder felt his mind go dangerously blank for a second. "What am I doing?"

"You're, you're complimenting me a lot."

Hanbin flushed a little, furrowing his eyebrows in worry. "Should I stop? Is it weird? I just really like doing it...I used to just do it in my head but then you said you wanted me to make you feel validated and now I can't stop, I _really_ want you to know how amazing you are and-"

"No, doll, shh," Jiwon murmured amusedly, pecking Hanbin's lips and the younger fell quiet as he looked down, now shy, and the duality that Hanbin had was crazy. "You don't have to stop, it's just surprising. It-" Jiwon held his tongue because saying something like 'it turns me on' would probably ruin everything. "It makes me happy. I love it. I love you."

Hanbin smiled brightly, looking so pleased that it made Jiwon's heart flutter. "So I can keep doing it?"

Jiwon snorted a little, nosing Hanbin's warm neck as he hugged the younger close to him, nodding, and when they were back to kissing, Jiwon tried to pretend that his loudest moan wasn't when Hanbin was marking Jiwon's torso with grazes of teeth and deep, harsh kisses before murmuring in admiring disbelief, "Christ, hyung, I would say God bless you but you're so fucking fine that it looks like he already did."

Jiwon did _not_ have a praise kink. No way. He just liked Hanbin, he liked his voice and, anyone would like a pretty voice telling them how great they were, right? Right.

~~~

The first thing Jiwon had noticed when Hanbin had come over was that he was stressed. He had let the guy stay at his apartment since Jinhwan was meeting up with an old friend, and Hanbin looked like the epitome of misery as he just lay on Jiwon's bed, wound up like a, well, doll. Jiwon would have made that joke if he didn't get the feeling that Hanbin might not appreciate it that much.

"What's wrong?"

Maybe not the right question to ask. Hanbin instantly let out a forlorn whine, sitting up to punch a pillow with alarming power before falling back onto the bed with a thump. Jiwon blinked, realising that he probably wasn't going to get an answer after all of that so he got up and went over to Hanbin, laying down next to him and when Hanbin turned and pouted at him, Jiwon pouted back. "How do you think _I_ feel seeing you so sad? This is stressful for me too!"

"Shut _up,_ " Hanbin groaned, trying to turn the other way but Jiwon held onto him, not letting him move.

"Look, just tell me."

"I hate life."

"Hey..."

"I quit Psychology," Hanbin muttered, looking so upset that Jiwon instantly wrapped him up in his arms, pressing a soft kiss to Hanbin's jaw. "And then my dad found out and he got really angry. And, and because I've quit it, now I need to write a 30 page thesis to mark my end, like how- why? Why the hell?!"

"Did you actually _want_ to quit it? It wasn't just because of me, right, because you can psycho-analyse all you want, I really couldn't care less. Whatever makes you happy."

"No, hyung, it..." Hanbin trailed off with a sigh, rolling onto his back as he rubbed his forehead, looking so done. "It's a nice enough subject, but I just don't need it. I don't wanna be analysing stuff when I can just live and see, admire and dislike. All this time, I've been psycho-analysing our relationship, like the whole purpose of it and then me letting you go, so its outcomes and its initial idea and input, and then the desired output which manifested into an unforeseen one- not that's all that Psychology is but I don't want to _think_ about any of that anymore. I don't want to think about how or why anything is happening, I just want it to simply happen. I'll miss it but...eh."

Jiwon frowned, and suddenly he was hating himself a little more than usual. "So it's because of us. It _is_ because of me."

"No, and even if it was, not completely. I'm happy about it, okay? I've been meaning to drop a class. I just-" Hanbin sighed again, shaking his head as he hugged a pillow, his forehead creased in worry. He probably would have stayed like that for a while with all the intent to wallow in annoyed pity but then a warm body was hovering over him and lips were pressing against his forehead gently, kissing away Hanbin's frown lines and now Hanbin had no choice other than to smile a little, clutching onto Jiwon's jeans loosely. "What are you doing, hyung..."

"Let me take away your stress, okay? I'll help," Jiwon said gently, and Hanbin was about to weakly say it was okay before Jiwon was kissing down his neck, pinning Hanbin down to the bed and the younger's eyes widened as he suddenly realised what Jiwon meant by 'taking away his stress'.

"Hyung, n-no it's fine, I-" Hanbin was reduced to a shaky sigh when Jiwon nipped at his skin gently and the next moment, they weren't on the bed anymore, and Jiwon had such an uncontrollable urge to block out all of Hanbin's negative thoughts until only pleasure remained, pleasure that Jiwon was all the more sure he could provide as he pushed Hanbin up against the wall of his room and watched the way the younger looked undone already, unravelling under his gaze and into his arms.

Sometimes, Jiwon had to think about it. How he always restrained himself when it came to Hanbin, always let the younger set out what they were going to do because he never wanted it to get too much for him. Jiwon knew that he had _all_ the power to reduce Hanbin to shreds, to a moaning mess underneath him but then again, Hanbin had the same power over _him_ with even just a few touches which was embarrassing, but Jiwon found himself not minding so much. Kissing Hanbin was one of the best feelings in the world and with every sense of Hanbin's incredible body pressed up against him, their lips locked and never parting for more than a second, and the younger's thin fingers digging into Jiwon's hips hard through his shirt when the elder would let go of his lips and kiss down his neck again, sucking hard and eliciting beautiful moans that made Jiwon's head spin, it was the work of dreams.

"W-Why are we doing this again?" Hanbin asked, his voice a breathy, quick spurt of words as Jiwon tugged on the hem of his jeans to pull him closer, letting them touch as much as possible before he slammed him back against the wall a second later.

"Out of hundreds of kisses," Jiwon rasped, dragging his lips over Hanbin's collarbones, "so many make-out sessions, this is seriously the first time you're asking that?"

"I was stressed and you, you said this would h-help- _ah_..." Hanbin dissolved into whines when Jiwon went back to his neck, running teeth and tongue over faded marks from another time that he was more than ready to refresh, murmuring a soft, "It will."

Hanbin's hands at his waist started to hurt from how hard they were gripping but Jiwon didn't care, he was too focused on the soft skin underneath him and the lewd noises falling from the younger's lips that were making something inside him stir. Though when Hanbin tried to push himself up, Jiwon stopped him.

"Let me take control, okay?" Jiwon asked gently, unlatching his lips from Hanbin's neck to look at the younger and he smiled when Hanbin pouted, looking a little huffy even though his eyes were dark and his lips were already so red, swollen and Jiwon couldn't stop staring at them as he laid a hand on Hanbin's face and ran his fingers over them lightly. "I know you usually like doing that but, I want to make you feel good."

"Hey, you always make me feel good," Hanbin replied with a soft, amused smile, raising one hand to card it through Jiwon's hair, the strands falling over his fingers as the elder grinned at him without being able to help it, even if he tried. "See, when you smile at me like that? I've never felt better."

"Stop being sweet, the only talk that should be sufficient now is dirty talk," Jiwon teased, leaning in close again and Hanbin eyes flashed as his hand fell to the nape of Jiwon's neck, massaging the skin which burned underneath his fingers. "Then kiss me harder 'til I can't talk at all."

Jiwon's eyes widened a little, the words making him feel a little hot but he only raised an eyebrow, a grin growing on his face as he had another remark ready but then Hanbin was tugging him forward into a kiss, or more-so a way to say 'for the love of God, please shut up'.

It was a tantalising feeling, to have Hanbin's appreciating hands running down his arms and his back, taking care in memorising the strong muscles under smooth skin before they went back to Jiwon's waist, wrapping his arms around it as he whined muffledly, his lips trembling slightly as Jiwon's tongue took over his mouth and tasted every inch he could get to. His hands started wandering, smoothing down Hanbin's clothed chest and he smirked when he brushed over a nipple and the younger cursed sparsely into his mouth, shoving Jiwon away before quickly pulling his shirt over his head.

For once, it seemed to Jiwon like he, himself, didn't know what he was doing. He wasn't used to having this encounter where he was actually doing it with someone he _loved_ , someone he wanted to treat with care, where the mood could shift from Jiwon wanting to give Hanbin the most mind-blowing sex ever or simply drowning him in soft kisses, because Jiwon was so in love with him that it could go either way. In a heartbeat.

Even when Jiwon wanted to get himself into it while littering lovebites across Hanbin's chest like they were stars as he tried to make his own constellation, suddenly heady with the thought of ruining Hanbin down to nothing, there were Hanbin's cute moans, hands fisting Jiwon's shirt, shy blushes, starry-eyed glances. It was all so different, so double-sided.

"Shit," Hanbin whispered quietly but Jiwon caught it, straightening up to rest his hand on Hanbin's cheek and ask what was wrong but the younger quickly shook his head, tripping over his words as he tried to speak. "It-it's really, really nothing- I just, we should- you know, stop, I don't think-"

"Yeah, of course," Jiwon replied, a little disappointed but he tried to overshadow it, because of course he would stop if it wasn't okay. Though when he pressed closer to give Hanbin an apologetic peck on the lips, something poked his thigh and his eyes widened just as Hanbin let out a squeak. "What the...fuck, Hanbin are you-"

"Don't-"

Jiwon looked down on instinct, gaping for a second too long before yelping when Hanbin punched him in the gut. " _Ow-_ "

"Stop staring!"

"I'm just _surprised,_ I've never got you hard before- yeah, why is that? I thought it would've happened ages ago but apparently this is the first time I'm good enough-"

"You suck, oh my God, you suck so _hard,_ " Hanbin groaned, tipping his head back against the wall and breathing which he _really_ needed to do so it wasn't fair when Jiwon took his breath away again for maybe the millionth time, pressing their lips together and Hanbin knew that he was already so familiar with Jiwon's mouth, his tongue, the way it would run along his teeth, racing over ridges so quickly that Hanbin could barely savour the pleasure. It was like Jiwon was trying to keep him on edge but then he was pulling away and stroking the skin under the hem of Hanbin's shirt, staring into Hanbin's eyes as he murmured sincerely, shyly, "Can I help?"

And there was a beat of silence before Hanbin slowly nodded, not even sure what he was thinking but it seemed like the right decision when Jiwon lit up in disbelieving amazement. He moved his hands in some sort of gesture of 'really? REALLY?!' and Hanbin nodded again, lowering his head and smiling gently when Jiwon quickly kissed his nose before racing out the room like a bullet.

"Fuck, fuck fuck _fuck,_ I'm fucked," Jiwon whispered to himself, his voice straining as he tried to keep quiet while sifting through kitchen drawers before he hit himself because why the _hell_ was he even looking in there, and then he was running to the bathroom, grabbing the hand soap, then sprinting back to his bedroom and resting a hand on the doorway as he tried to catch his breath. He still wasn't sure if this was real, if anything was really going to happen until he heard high, sharp breaths and he looked up.

Hanbin was still standing there against the wall but moaning quietly as he palmed himself through his jeans, eyes squeezed shut and lips open, plush, licked and bitten dark red, and Jiwon's heartbeat stuttered too much for it to be healthy.

"You," Jiwon said, almost growling as he moved forwards faster than he thought he could and batted Hanbin's hands away from himself, making the younger's eyes open in surprise as he stared at Jiwon, blinking confusedly, still in a slight daze. "You're gorgeous. God, you...you drive me crazy. Always."

"Uh-huh," Hanbin slurred quietly, running his tongue over his lips as he rocked his hips up just a little, subtly, still desperate for friction but too shy to ask for it. And when Jiwon looked down again when he felt like he shouldn't, like it was a guilty pleasure, he made a split-second decision to throw the bottle of soap to the floor and drop to his knees, tugging Hanbin's already unzipped jeans down along with his boxers and Hanbin's surprised but torturously satisfied groan meant _everything._

"Hyung, what are you...you don't have to-"

Jiwon swiftly shut him up by taking hold of the younger's dick, pumping it boldly so to say 'I don't have to but I'm still gonna' and Hanbin instantly cried out, his feet kicking out a little which might have been one of the cutest things Jiwon had ever witnessed. His eyes grew softer as he pressed a gentle kiss to Hanbin's tip, drinking in his beautiful gasps.

"Is this a blowjob?" Hanbin whispered hesitantly and Jiwon instantly grinned at the question, nodding as he stroked Hanbin's dick gently making the younger's breath hitch almost painfully.

"Yeah, baby. Well, not yet but I'm getting there."

"P-Please, it...it feels good..."

"What does?"

"You. Everything you," Hanbin hissed, unable to make sense, unable to say anything else but Jiwon understood him as pride filled his chest and he dipped down, sucking on the head gently before licking up, tracing the vein slowly, _agonisingly_ with his tongue before taking him in whole until he couldn't anymore, stilted already by Hanbin whimpering, keening breathily in confused wondering pleasure. It made Jiwon just want to record him and listen to it over and over again.

Hanbin's fingertips reached down to curl around Jiwon's hair without thinking, pulling on the locks gently just with the thought of having something to keep him sane, tethered and not lost in paradise, and Jiwon was squeezing the breath out of his lungs with his skilful tongue sliding over his cock but Hanbin still managed to breathe out shakily, "T-Tell me if- if, I hurt you..."

"It's alright," Jiwon slurred without pulling off once, sucking hard before his tongue darted out to tease Hanbin's slit, whining quietly when Hanbin tugged on his hair harshly from surprise.

"F-Fuck you're so- so good at this, how..." Hanbin looked down, breathing hard, legs shaking but seeing Jiwon with his face slightly flushed, hair messy, eyelashes fluttering as Hanbin's own precome pooled down the side of his mouth; God, it was heaven. Someone up there must have really favoured him because Hanbin didn't think that he had ever seen something so pretty.

He dragged a hand down and brushed his thumb over Jiwon's warm cheek, murmuring, "You're so beautiful, hyung."

Jiwon opened his eyes, blinking up at him with hazy, questioning innocence while he sucked Hanbin deep into his throat at the same time and both of those things were just the right mix to make Hanbin go _crazy,_ his head lolling back against the wall and hips raising a little as he wanted nothing more than to kiss the gorgeous pink lips wrapped around his cock, but he was brought back down to earth gasping when Jiwon pulled off with an obscene pop, licking his lips before looking back up at Hanbin. "Bin, if you're not gonna fuck my mouth then keep still."

"If I'm not gonna _what?"_ Hanbin asked with wide eyes and Jiwon only shrugged, smirking a little as he went back to Hanbin's dick and gave small kitten licks to the head, from one hundred to ten from what he was doing before and he got what he wanted when Hanbin thrusted forward out of impatience that he didn't even register himself, moaning lowly when his cock hit the back of Jiwon's throat.

And no, Jiwon wasn't ready but it didn't matter, he simply went still as he eyed Hanbin with his dark lidded eyes, telling the younger without words to do it again. And, Hanbin didn't really need to be told twice.

Not even a second later and Hanbin was rocking forward, starting off shallow but Jiwon shook his head, pulling back again. "I can handle anything you throw at me, okay? Don't hold back, I'm not new to this."

"But you're already doing so good," Hanbin muttered, caressing Jiwon's face again and the elder's eyes fluttered a little at the praise, and that might be the first time that he was properly aware of his own erection straining against his jeans. "I don't...this is power, I shouldn't...abuse it..."

"But you want to," Jiwon counteracted, raising a hand to squeeze Hanbin's dick hard, the precome trailing down his fingers and he grinned when Hanbin screamed out and squeezed his eyes shut, shaking his head. "Abuse it, do anything. I can take it."

"I-I'm already close-"

"Then make me get you there."

Hanbin groaned deeply, and this time Jiwon was ready as he opened his mouth and Hanbin pushed his hips forward, thrusting along the line of Jiwon's throat and it was the most delicious torture Jiwon had ever felt. He sat there obediently, letting Hanbin tug on his hair harshly to push in further. His throat was burning delectably and Hanbin was still murmuring sweet words to spur him on even as he thrusted so hard that Jiwon was sure his dick would break, making him gag slightly, spit dripping from his mouth as he tried to keep up.

"You're doing perfect, hyung, s-so well..."

Jiwon moaned in response, screwing his eyes shut as he rocked his own hips up, desperate but his first aim was just Hanbin, making _him_ feel good. Hanbin noticed, though, eyes widening when he saw the tent in Jiwon's jeans and somehow it just made him push on harder, amazed by the fact that Jiwon was getting off from this. Jiwon was shaking now, whining out as his throat convulsed around Hanbin's cock, sending up wet vibrations that had Hanbin groaning in stilted satisfaction, pushing his dick against the airy moans caught in the back of Jiwon's throat.

He started losing his technique as his thrusts became sloppy but urgent. Slightly familiar but mind-blowing pleasure started sliding against the base of his dick and he let out a cry of warning as his orgasm finally hit and Jiwon never pulled back, grunting lowly before swallowing what shot down his throat then mouthing around Hanbin's cock, licking it clean while chasing every last drop. Hanbin breathed up and down heavily, running a hand through Jiwon's hair affectionately before slowly pushing his head away. "Hyung...thank you so much, I- God, I'm out of my mind, it was fucking _amazing-_ "

"No, no don't mention it, I'm just glad I helped," Jiwon breathed out, tucking Hanbin back into his boxers before pulling his jeans up, making the younger feel all sorts of embarrassed even though he still let Jiwon fix him up. And the instant Jiwon was shakily getting to his feet, looking absolutely shattered, broken, Hanbin tugged him close and finally kissed his tired but so beautifully swollen lips; and having Jiwon slump against him and kiss him back was sweet relief after all that.

"Let me help you now," Hanbin murmured against Jiwon's lips and maybe Jiwon would have said no if Hanbin hadn't slipped his arm between them and pressed his palm into Jiwon's crotch, making Jiwon's hips stutter as he broke the kiss, squeezing his eyes shut and biting his lip to encase a moan.

Hanbin didn't know what he was proposing. Sure, he had jerked _himself_ off before but not that much, yet now he was desperate to make Jiwon feel even half as good as he just had. He was still shy inside but his urge for pleasing and dominance wasn't _letting_ him be shy as he pulled Jiwon over to the bed, sitting down and in a blur, Jiwon was half in Hanbin's lap, squirming and whimpering as Hanbin rubbed his hand up and down the elder's dick at a brutal pace after having squirted some soap onto his hand.

Jiwon was already so aroused that it was simply easy, and Hanbin put the cherry on top by leaning forward and nipping Jiwon's earlobe, whispering more admiring praises into his ear as he kept pumping Jiwon lazily, moaning quietly himself as Jiwon started bucking up into his hand needily. It was obscene, it was dirty, it was fucking gorgeous and Hanbin thumbed the elder's slit relentlessly before finishing Jiwon off, white leaving the latter's cock with a scratchy, deep moan from his throat.

"Holy shit," Jiwon sighed quietly, slipping his eyes shut as he fell back onto the sheets, curling up into them sleepily. Hanbin felt utterly exhausted too as he swept his come-covered hand down the side of the bed before collapsing next to Jiwon, sliding an arm around the elder's waist.

"You know, you've got that thing...a praise kink, I think? When someone gets off of being praised - is that what it's called?"

"I do _not,_ " Jiwon mumbled irritatedly, his voice husky as he shuffled into Hanbin's chest and the younger laughed at the blatant lie.

"You do, you know you do. I wish I'd realised it earlier...at the least, I knew that you like being looked after. That's nothing new."

"Really..."

"We've been through a lot, hyung," Hanbin said, stroking Jiwon's hip as the latter raised his head, brushing his nose against Hanbin's as they stared into each other's eyes. It reminded Hanbin of all of the other times they had done that, whether there had been admiration in their eyes, or hurt, or sadness, or lust, or hope. But there was always love. "I remember always wanting to look after you, even when I couldn't. I remember the first time I finally could when I showed up at your house in that bear onesie and I let you know that I was there. Here. For you. Even when you were drunk and we were broken...I wanted to care for you, make sure you were okay. From now on that's all I'm gonna do, I'm gonna look after you and shower you in all the praise you deserve."

"I swear, I'm so happy you're finally mine," Jiwon murmured in awe, inching forward to brush their lips together, cupping Hanbin's cheek with his hand as Hanbin smiled gently against his lips. "You care so much and I still don't know why. You're incredible, you're everything I've ever wanted."

"That's me talking about you," Hanbin muttered shyly, eyes closing as Jiwon kissed him again, licking soft stripes across his lips which made Hanbin giggle. "I love you, hyung, I love you so much."

"How unfortunate for you."

"Shut up, you know I'd never think that."

Jiwon hummed, stroking Hanbin's face as they both looked at each other for another moment, caught up in starry gazes. A few minutes must have passed marked by the distance ticking of the clock in the kitchen until Hanbin blurted out, "You really need to teach me how to do that."

Jiwon raised an eyebrow. "How to do what...?"

"The...you know, the thing with the...mouth-"

"A blowjob."

"Yeah," Hanbin muttered embarrassedly, flushing red and Jiwon smiled adoringly.

"You're still so cute. But I thought the teaching stuff was over, doll."

"Kissing 101 is over but this wasn't quite _kissing,_ you know," Hanbin counteracted in a low voice, trailing his fingers slowly up Jiwon's chest which made the elder wince a little. "I'm gonna be learning on the job, especially since this is my first relationship. I wanna know it all."

A slow grin spread across Jiwon's face. "It's okay, baby, I'm learning on the job too. We'll both help each other."

"Is that a promise?"

"Of course," Jiwon answered, pecking Hanbin's lips to seal it. "Now, tell me. Does my favourite bin want to be taken out or should I leave it here to stink up the place?"

Jiwon cackled in satisfaction when Hanbin hit his arm hard. "I'll have a shower, asshole. Take me out to dinner after, though."

"Bossy," Jiwon teased as he sat up, stretching out his arms before grimacing at the part of the sheets which were covered in his own come. "Christ, the clean-up is the worst part of sex..."

"How about you join me in the shower, then?" Hanbin asked slyly, taking hold of Jiwon's chin and the elder's eyes widened at the thought, getting all flustered as Hanbin swung a leg over his waist and grinned up at him.

"Evil. That's what you are, honestly evil."

"You love me."

Jiwon rolled his eyes in response though it was hard to be annoyed when Hanbin was threading his hands through the elder's hair and pressing his gorgeous body up against his; Jiwon might be exhausted but he'd never be able to deny Hanbin anything. And as he was being dragged into the bathroom for some cleaning he'd enjoy, he realised that this happy ending was the best one he could have ever asked for.

Even though it wasn't really an ending at all, just embarking onto a new chapter that was called 'happiness' this time around.

 

 


	23. bonus - junhwan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay ahhh AHHH THIS IS FINALLY HAPPENING 
> 
> i'm so sorry for the long wait, my excuses aren't good enough so i won't say them :'( i'm just deeply sorry and i hope this'll be worth at least a few days of the time it took 
> 
> WARNING: this is VERY LONG. like, super long maybe four times as much as my normal length of chapters lmao, but it is split into two parts so if you wanna take a break halfway then you'll know where lol but real talk, I sure hope this is worth it? i can imagine it not being what a lot of you might have expected it to be, but i hope it's good enough

**part one: weren’t you a bit too civil, brassica oleracea?**

Junhoe was in his dorm, frowning as he stared at the parchment on his desk, a pen between his fingers as he thought about what to write. It was a lazy night, one where it probably wasn't even before midnight anymore but Junhoe was too lazy to look at the time, and he was more caught up in the overlaps of fantasy and reality than being in either one of them. That was always his mindset when he was writing poems that stemmed from the realistic part of his mind but the metaphors and words he used were more paradisiacal, distant.

 _Sometimes I think that hating is the thing that I'm most good at_  
_until I realise that I've got no time to hate._  
_If it harbours my soul then I lose track of what I love_  
_and potential hate digs a forlorn grave hindering time for doing_  
_better. What's better? I'm better than this._  
_I'm better than hatred encapsulating me._  
_If I hate you then it's my fault because life isn't that_  
_free that I can waste it like that, now I see._

Junhoe's literature teacher would find his use of enjambment quite nice. Where two lines of a poem run into each other without a pause, creating a running river feeling spanning across more of a poem, making one thought stand out more since it's not confined to a typical poem's frame. The only problem was that now this poem had got off to a good start, Junhoe had no idea how to finish it and that was probably because he didn't have any thoughts in his mind when he tried to write it. So on the back of the parchment, he started writing a list of people he hated or at least disliked. 

_\- hatred in no particular order (honest)_

_i. hanbin sometimes_ __

_ii. min sunjin_ _, homophobic asshole made my life hell once_ __

_iii. dude at the coffee shop who I_ _beg isn't ever there when I_ _go 'cause his coffee is shit_ __

_vi. kim jinhwan, utter jerk_

_v. more homophobic assholes like sunjin_ _who don't deserve their own number_ __

_vi. my sister's ex-boyfriends_

And there were more, until the list started getting too long which made Junhoe worry. But he really _had_ let go of most of these people (bar the barista and his sister's exes because holy hell, nothing sucked more than them) because he was comfortable with himself, bordering on vain if he was being completely truthful, so they didn't matter. All they were were pawns for his mind to use to build up a great poem.

But an hour later, Junhoe had fallen asleep on his book, drool seeping out of his mouth a little and he hadn't even written another word.

***

Sometimes Junhoe would remember bits and pieces from the past, and he'd realise just how different things had become over the years. Maybe it was because he cared less about some things now and cared more about others; his vision and balance had all shifted. He'd look at a stream and remember running down the bridge after school, stopping to delight in the lake underneath his feet that he couldn't fall into because he was protected, the bridge was saving him because he was _important_. Back then, he always thought he was king of the world. He'd look at a convenience store and remember his and Hanbin's trips after school to the store near their houses to buy cup ramen to eat in the park then get scolded by their parents who had food waiting for them at home (which they'd also eat anyway, they were growing boys). He'd look at Jinhwan and remember his pubescent self being enamoured by the curl of his hair and his bright, honey-sweet smile which used to make his heartbeat pick up. It had been so long since Junhoe had felt that way about him that the memory was starting to fade. They all were.

Junhoe was in Organic Chemistry now, his cheek slumped against his hand but he had to be careful not to elbow his book fort between him and Jinhwan so he wouldn't have to accidentally catch sight of the latter's stupid face. He didn't know why they couldn't just move places, he had even asked his teacher but he said there was no point and everyone already liked their seats. Junhoe knew this urge to get away from an 'arch nemesis' was so childish but he couldn't help it, he _was_ childish. He was still growing into his adolescence anyway, maybe he would never stop, and Jinhwan was hitting his sore points.

There was a light, hesitant knock on the barrier from the other side, and Junhoe narrowed his eyes before making a grunt of acknowledgement. Then a folded up piece of paper was being slipped under the fort and Junhoe slowly peered down his nose to look at it, then back at the teacher, then he snatched up the note quietly.

_do you get this?_

Junhoe thought about it for longer than he should have, before scribbling something down and sending it back under the fort.

_I'm afraid I don't._

He heard a small snort from the other side and Junhoe rolled his eyes because Jinhwan was _clearly_ in the same boat as him.

_glad I'm not alone but I kinda wanted to ask you for help_

_I write poetry. The day you see good poetry about alkanes then maybe I'll be interested._

_fair point. you're a poet, huh?_

_What are you suggesting..._

_it makes sense and doesn't but it's very cool_

_Alkane, oh alkane, you shine gloriously in your own saturated way. Your paramount tree of hydrogen and carbon should rival evergreens of Christmas, I know your splendiferous carbon-carbon bonds will be on my wishlist._

Junhoe had to stifle a laugh when he heard Jinhwan's small whisper of 'holy shit' from the other side. But then the teacher was telling them to write actual, proper notes and their own little ones were forgotten, thrown up in the dust. And Junhoe was content for a while, writing down words that would probably be completely nonsensical to him when it came to exam revision time as well as poorly scaled diagrams in pen which didn't coordinate, until it dawned on him that to keep going, he had to use one of the textbooks in his barrier fort. The top one, to be exact.

He was reluctant at first. Definitely. He just sat in silence for a moment, inching his fingers towards the book before pulling his hand back over and over again, but then he wondered just _what_ was he afraid of? The worst Jinhwan could do was spit at him and then Junhoe would finally have a rightful reason to pin Jinhwan down and put him in a headlock - win-win! So Junhoe took the book and before he could look away, he saw Jinhwan's head turn to him, his doe eyes widening and dumb mouth opening before Junhoe quickly shut him up with a firm, "I need the book. This isn't some kind of reconciliation, don't be delirious."

Jinhwan instantly broke into a grin, looking mightily amused as he nodded and Junhoe realised that that was far worse than Jinhwan spitting at him. Jinhwan didn't seem bitter at _all_. And that somehow made Junhoe feel both silly and more bitter but he felt the need to _not_ be bitter, even though he was. He hated not having the upper hand.

"You look nice today, Junhoe." 

"I always do."

"I know, I'm just taking the opportunity to say it."

"Yeah, well, feast your eyes because this is a one-off," Junhoe muttered, distracted as the teacher started spouting some more rubbish. "And for the record, you don't. You don't look nice."

Jinhwan just shrugged, as if to say 'okay, let's mildly entertain that lie', and then he was looking back at the teacher. Junhoe forgot about alkane poetry and annoying, pretty-but-I'm-saying-he's-not guys for the rest of the lesson as he felt more consumed in doodling sheep and birds fashioned from hydrocarbons on the inside bind of his folder, and his eyes slipped shut and his head lolled a few times too many. Then like always, once the class was dismissed, he waited for Jinhwan to pack up his things and leave (always pretending to be doing work or something instead of showing what he was _actually_ doing because that might seem pathetic) before he did the same thing; but then he noticed a piece of paper blue-tacked to the side of one of his books which had been exposed to Jinhwan. He just stared at it for a moment without really processing it, only looking at the cute smiley face and the neat handwriting.

 _I'll get you your 'splendiferous' carbon-carbon bonds for_ christmas _, Koo, just you wait! see you tomorrow in creative writing!_

Junhoe sighed. He was exhausted.

He put the note in his pocket, thinking to himself that the world was just never taking a break from turning around him, and Junhoe wasn't prepared for such changes while he just wished everything would stay the _same_ , and Jinhwan would go back to almost forgetting he existed. His brain was tired from this now because he wasn't a spiteful person, he was just hurt.

Jinhwan was an unwanted factor that wasn't letting him heal. 

***

Junhoe's back was _aching_. He had been out far longer than he had wanted to, considering his latest class had ended two hours ago, but shopping always consumed him and running into his mother at the supermarket was both awkward and quite nice.

"This scarf is almost as gay as me."

"Wait, you're gay?"

That was fun. 

He quickly stopped off at his dorm to grab a book (he was already about half an hour late for his class which wasn't ideal at all) but then someone in particular was bursting out of the bedroom with a loud, bright, "Junhoe!" and Junhoe groaned inwardly because now he was probably going to be _another_ half an hour late.

"Hyung, I gotta go, really," Junhoe said quickly as he threw his bags into the kitchen and Jiwon frowned, retracting back and crossing his arms as he mumbled a small, slightly mocking 'fine' and picked up his mug of whatever with more attitude than was needed. Junhoe rolled his eyes as he went to get the books he needed, quickly shoving them in his bag before he got ready to go but he hesitated just when he was half out of the door, his hand still resting on the surface. Then he was grimacing at himself and turning around - sure enough, Jiwon was already looking at him with anticipating eyes, sipping his drink casually like the fucker he was.

"Uh...there's frosting in a shopping bag in the kitchen," Junhoe muttered, scratching the back of his neck. "And chocolate. And just quite a lot of snacks. You can eat but don't engorge. I don't wanna get blamed for the cause of diabetes."

"Thanks," Jiwon replied, a slow, amused grin spreading over his face. That was something that Junhoe had got far too familiar with by now. "Have fun at class." 

"That's always a tough ask."

"Then at least try! For me?" 

"Maybe," Junhoe said, not a satisfying answer but Jiwon still seemed content as he waved at Junhoe who nodded back and finally left, closing the door behind him. He was so late when he arrived to the class but he found himself not caring, not even when the teacher raised an eyebrow at him or when Jinhwan gave him a worried look when Junhoe took the seat beside him with a heavy sigh. He started getting out his books but he paused, inwardly growling to himself when he felt a pen poke his arm ever so softly. "Junhoe?"

"What?"

"Why are you so late? It's nearly the end of the lesson."

"Reasons."

"But...okay," Jinhwan gave in, albeit reluctantly but maybe he knew that he wouldn't be able to weasel an answer out of Junhoe. "You want me to tell me you what we're doing, at least?"

"That'd be nice."

"Different sides to a story. That's the theme. Write about an experience that has happened to you because of a person but don't write in your point of view, write in _theirs_. Does that make sense?"

"Yeah. Thanks," Junhoe said as a clipped reply, taking out his pen as he rested his hand against a fresh sheet of paper, wondering what to write. He didn't have that many memorable experiences with people, the best he could think of at the moment was when he broke into Jiwon's apartment at one am to frantically ask for help with his calculus homework, and having a story like _'ugh I'm so sleepy omg Junhoe's so dumb who the fuck takes five minutes for thirteen times six'_ probably wasn't what his teacher was looking for.

And despite what he thought was lack of inspiration, he had a human embodiment of some right beside him. 

So he started writing.

 _'Kim Jinhwan',_ Junhoe wrote right in the middle of his paper, drawing a circle around it to begin his plan. He drew a line from it to write on the end _'self-absorbed'._

_'dependent, always needs someone'_

_'easily upset'_

And Junhoe would have written more out of the bitterness of his own heart until he paused and realised that he had to write in Jinhwan's point of view, and Jinhwan clearly wouldn't see himself in the same way Junhoe did. Probably. So he stemmed off of 'easily upset' and looked at Jinhwan for a moment, at the way he scribbled across the paper or tapped the end of the pen against his lips when he was thinking. What were the things that made this guy upset?

"If something happened to friends and family, that made him sad," Junhoe muttered under his breath, writing that down. "I remember that."

 _'Why do the others love him?'_ Junhoe wrote down as a separate point because he felt like he needed to understand that first, pinpoint the sides of Jinhwan that were actually _appealing_ because this story couldn't be subjective in Junhoe's favour. _'Jiwon-hyung says he's sweet. Always looks after them. Yunhyeong-hyung says he always calls him whenever he's had to go to the hospital, for hours-long talks about how he was. Hanbin says he's always trying to be strong but it's difficult for him to not break down when things happen to the people he loves.'_

Junhoe remembered everything, and he didn't know why. He didn't know if he just had an impeccable memory or if he somehow kept thoughts about Jinhwan in his head for a reason that he was yet to find out.

_He's always letting people lean on him, so maybe Hanbin was the person that **he** leant on._

Screw the story. Junhoe had better things to do.

"We need to talk," Junhoe said, starkly, louder than he should have but no-one seemed to heed mind except for Jinhwan himself who paused mid-write, staring at Junhoe with confused eyes but they held a spark of hope.

"We do...?" 

"Properly," Junhoe said before reiterating, "Civilly."

Jinhwan's eyes grew wide. "You won't get angry at me?"

"That's on the rocks but...I'll try my best."  

Jinhwan looked at the clock at the front of the room before back at Junhoe, still seeming completely dumbfounded. "Well, um, this ends in five minutes so I'm down, unless you don't want to do it today then-"

"Today's fine, but we're doing it at your dorm," Junhoe said firmly, averting his eyes when he saw Jinhwan's fond grin. Jinhwan wasn't allowed to be _fond_ of him, only friends got that pleasure.

"And I guess that I don't have a say in it?"

"Not one."

"That's fine, I'll tell Hanbin that I'm having an old friend over," Jinhwan muttered before biting his lip and pressing his palms on the desk in front of him, looking like he was trying to hold back a massive rainbow of happiness from erupting out of him. It was a matter of seconds before the teacher was dismissing them and Jinhwan let out a small noise of excitement that Junhoe didn't quite catch. And for the first time in a long time, Junhoe didn't lag behind as he packed up his stuff because Jinhwan was grinning at him with his welcoming, charming smile that made all the people fall for him and all of a sudden they were walking side by side, in step with each other, elbows brushing every now and then, and Junhoe didn't know how they had got here. He didn't know how to feel about any of it.

"How was your day?" Junhoe asked hesitantly, his voice getting quieter throughout the question but Jinhwan beamed at him, looking so happy which made Junhoe _not_ regret his pleasantry.

"It was quite nice, actually. I tried cricket for the first time and I think I kind of like it?"

"Very enlightening."

"I've been trying out different sports all year to see if any suit me but I haven't really found one yet...I think volleyball was my best bet but I got hurt really badly. To be honest, I've got hurt really badly in _every_ sport I've tried."

"Oh no."

"I just want a hobby. I get really bored...and lonely. I'm sick of being lonely."

You should try living my entire life, Junhoe thought. "You have Hanbin and the others."

"I know but they're not always there," Jinhwan muttered, playing with the straps on his bag. There was a sense of wistfulness in his voice that was touching Junhoe's own emotions and he didn't like it one bit. "They have their own lives, their own friends. I don't have anyone but them."

"Me neither," Junhoe murmured, so quietly that Jinhwan couldn't have possibly heard and hopefully he hadn't.

They were silent as they walked out of the university, into the dorm complex, up stairs. Junhoe didn't realise that he was walking far slower than usual until they were on the right floor, and he turned to the side to look at Jinhwan for a split-second before they both heard sniffling and bashing and Junhoe was blinking while Jinhwan was pushing his arm, hissing, "Hide behind that wall, hide!"

Junhoe nodded jerkingly, his instincts a beat slow as he tried swooping behind the wall quickly and Jinhwan quickly composed himself before rushing over to Hanbin who was mindlessly stabbing his key into the door, nowhere near the keyhole and he looked so miserable and stressed out that Jinhwan's heart broke in two as he wrapped his arms around one of Hanbin's, tugging on it gently. "Hanbin, what's wrong?"

" _Hyung_ ," Hanbin whined, falling onto Jinhwan in a hug and Jinhwan frowned, stroking Hanbin's back gently. "I d-did it, I- I quit...wah..."

"You need to lie down and calm yourself, Bin, it's okay," Jinhwan soothed, hugging Hanbin tightly as the younger buried his head into the crook of Jinhwan's neck, having to bend down a lot. "It'll be okay, it will be." 

"I don't even know why I'm so upset, I just- ugh, hyung, please look after me, I- I hate _everything_."

"Oh, Hanbin, I was going to have someone over...but no, it's fine, you always come first-"

"What's going on?" a familiar scratchy voice came from down the corridor and Junhoe almost squeaked as he hid himself more behind the wall but it was to no avail since Jiwon had already caught sight of him. He raised an eyebrow and Junhoe only gave him a small, sheepish wave but amazingly, Jiwon waved back. Of course he did.

"I heard my baby sounding upset, that's not getting past me," Jiwon said firmly but his tone held worry as he walked towards Jinhwan who pulled back slightly to stand next to Hanbin but still kept his arm around the younger's shoulders. Hanbin sniffed, turning away a little but then Jiwon was coming in close and resting a hand on Hanbin's hip and the other on his face, letting his fingertips curl gently against Hanbin's skin as he murmured, "What's wrong, Bin?"

"It's nothing," Hanbin sighed, scrunching up Jiwon's shirt in his hands and the elder pressed a kiss to his cheek, pulling Hanbin closer as Jinhwan's arm fell away.

"It's definitely more than nothing."

"Can...can I stay with you tonight?" Hanbin asked shyly, closing his eyes as Jiwon brushed his lips against his forehead gently. "Jinhwan-hyung's a meanie and he's having a friend over."

"Hey, I _said_ I'd ditch for you!" Jinhwan yelped, though he felt so overwhelmingly soft by the sight of Hanbin and Jiwon that he couldn't get much power into his voice. Jiwon sent him an amused grin before he pulled Hanbin into a kiss, stroking his thumb across the younger's face gently as he whispered against his lips, "Of course you can stay over."

"Thank you," Hanbin murmured muffledly, already calming down under the spell Jiwon's kiss was casting. The elder pulled away eventually, reaching down to slip his hand into Hanbin's as he nodded at Jinhwan.

"Have a nice night, hyung, who's the friend?"

"Oh, uhhh...just someone, you don't know them," Jinhwan answered, grinning nervously in hope that he had answered well and he slumped in relief when Jiwon nodded again, seeming a little doubtful but he still waved goodbye as he pulled Hanbin away who wailed a forlorn farewell too. Junhoe was wondering at this point whether he should even keep hiding and the answer was no because Jiwon only grinned at him brightly as he left, saying, "The chocolate was beautiful, I owe you one and I'll call you later," and Hanbin let out a forlorn farewell times two, not even questioning why Junhoe was there.

"Junhoe?" a wary voice called out and Junhoe peeked out from behind the wall, smiling.

"Still here. There was really no point of hiding."

"No, there was...just so they wouldn't think that you were with me," Jinhwan replied slowly, so dazed by Junhoe's smile for a moment before he quickly snapped out of it and looked away, opening his dorm's door with ease. "You coming?"

Junhoe nodded, walking over with lazy, slow strides and Jinhwan raised an eyebrow at him, leaning against the doorway. "You're not even gonna _try_ and pretend that you want to do this?"

"If I don't need to, I won't," Junhoe muttered, coming to a stop right in front of Jinhwan so he could tower over the elder for a second and feel like he was in power. But Jinhwan stared back at him steadily, challenging Junhoe with his dark doe eyes that in all (if any) animosity were still warm. His eyelashes curved over perfectly, the same eyelashes that would rise and peek out like small feathery fans when he smiled, and the way the light hit his irises made them soft, mellow, and Junhoe wasn't quite sure what was happening and why he was feeling breathless in such a way. Just by looking into someone's eyes.

Jinhwan was quite pretty.

It had been a while since Junhoe had properly thought that.

"Tea?" Jinhwan asked quietly, patting Junhoe's sleeve with his small hand and Junhoe didn't jerk his arm away.

"No thanks."

Just like his poem said, Junhoe knew that it was time to let go of some of the hatred in his soul.

***

It was quiet for a while and Junhoe found himself not minding, even if he was a utilitarian person who always wanted to get to the point as fast as possible. He'd taken a seat on the sofa while Jinhwan went to get changed, and he hitched up his legs to sit cross-legged while playing with his socked feet, not sure if he was nervous or just bored. Maybe neither. 

"All my jumpers are in the wash and it's _freezing_ ," Jinhwan whined irritatedly from his room, making Junhoe jolt in surprise. "Why don't I have enough clothes..."

"Just hurry up, shortcake, honestly."

"Aha!" Jinhwan said happily, and Junhoe wondered if he had found a jumper. "I was _wondering_ when that nickname would come into play."

"Don't call it a nickname. That's too affectionate of a term," Junhoe sighed, leaning back against the sofa before looking up when he heard Jinhwan coming in. Jinhwan's hair looked so much softer and messier than Junhoe remembered, and the clothes hanging off of him seemed massive. They were probably Hanbin's. No jumper, though, and Junhoe felt uncomfortable being in such a heavy coat himself. "Hi, stranger."

"Okay, I'm sorry for taking so long but there was more than one dilemma," Jinhwan muttered, looking between the few places he could sit before he hesitantly took the seat next to Junhoe, making the younger groan inwardly _especially_ when Jinhwan started grinning at him sleazily.

"What?"

"Can't believe I got Koo Junhoe to come back to my place."

"Shut _up_ ," Junhoe growled and Jinhwan laughed in satisfaction, raising his hands in surrender and Junhoe rolled his eyes, flushing an angry red for a second as he looked away, regretting this for the first time. Until his sleeve was being tugged gently by nimble fingers.

"Look, um...you can start. If you'd like. I don't know how you want this to go."

Junhoe looked at him, surprised but why _should_ he be surprised? "Me neither, honestly. Just...can I say some stuff? Ask you some questions?"

Jinhwan nodded, wrapping his arms around himself. "Sure. Within reason but I'm sure anything's fine."

Junhoe really didn't know how to start. But then he was looking at Jinhwan who looked so small and nervous, nibbling on his lower lip as he quickly averted his eyes away from Junhoe's gaze, and suddenly Junhoe was able to pluck good enough words from the recesses of his mind. "I have been starting to realise, lately, that I feel very strongly."

Jinhwan looked back at Junhoe now, blinking confusedly. "Okay..."

"I mean, I'm sensitive. I don't emote in the same way the people around me and the people I know do and...I don't know," Junhoe mumbled, ashamed of his rambling as he shrugged off his coat and threw it around Jinhwan's shoulders. "I'm trying to say that I think I've got this a bit wrong. I haven't given you enough credit where it's due. I've just held a grudge for so long that I thought that it'd just _always_ be there, and I'd always dislike you. Even if I forget why I did in the first place."

"You know what that reminds me a lot of? Hanbin's crush on me," Jinhwan pointed out, having shaken out of the initial surprise of being given the coat and Junhoe realised that he was right. Hanbin's crush was weird in Junhoe's opinion, he found it strange how Hanbin could have been so _clearly_ in love with someone else but still stick with Jinhwan, but maybe...maybe it was understandable. If the 'love' part was replaced by distaste. "It's hard for you to move on. But it's different, 'cause you...you know. You honestly have grounds on hating me."

"I don't hate you-"

"Whatever, I just find it kind of okay that you dislike me. I already told you, I've accepted it. I'm not gonna try anymore."

"No but _why_ do you find it okay? Do you seriously think you were that bad?"

"I...I guess so, I don't really know?" Jinhwan answered, looking incredibly dumbfounded and Junhoe sighed in irritation, running a hand through his hair before he held up his hands like he was presenting some sort of situation.

"Look at it this way - what do you think you've done to me?"

"I've hurt you."

"Directly?"

Jinhwan didn't answer and Junhoe nodded. "Exactly. So tell me, how have you hurt me?"

"I...made you lonely."

"It's my problem that I only had one friend."

"I forgot about you."

"You didn't need to remember."

"I stole Hanbin away from you."

"It's not like I ever owned him."

"Why are you trying to fight me on this?" Jinhwan asked, eyes wide and tone raised like he was so confused that he just wanted to yell at Junhoe, and the younger only raised an eyebrow.

"I'm trying to be objective. I'm really _really_ bad at it but I'm trying."

"It's not objective to justify everything I've done."

"No but it _is_ objective to look at both sides. I'm starting to see them now."

There was a beat of silence then. Silence that wasn't welcomed, silence that was far too heavy and Junhoe hated it more than anything.

"So who are you blaming now?" Jinhwan asked quietly, and he didn't sound condescending or animous. There seemed to only be pure curiosity and Junhoe looked at him steadily.

"You don't get it, do you? The whole point is to _not_ blame someone. 'Cause it's just...not nice. I don't like keeping bad feelings, I like doing that thing where it's like ripping off a bandaid and then it's all done and over with but this has been going on for so _long_. I don't like it."

Jinhwan's eyes were twinkling, gently. He looked so pixie-like with the massive coat he was draping tighter over himself and the small, almost proud smile on his face that instilled slight (very slight) warmth into Junhoe's veins. "So, what? What are you proposing?"

"You're still unlikeable and smaller than my thumb but...did you ever hate me?"

"Never."

"Did you ever take Hanbin away knowing he was with me?"

"I don't think so."

"Did you ever have it out for me? Did you ever want me upset?"

"No," Jinhwan replied instantly, shaking his head as he kept his eyes on Junhoe, then he reached out a hand from the coat to pat Junhoe's knee and the younger jolted a little. "I never wanted that, and I _still_ never want that. I promise."

Junhoe nodded, leaning back and closing his eyes as he breathed through his nose, in and out, washed over by a wave of poignant feelings which were wavering his mind's stability as well as his heart's. It was calming as well as ridiculously relieving, like amassments of weight had left his shoulders, and his voice was small and raspy as he said, "Okay. Grudge broken."

Junhoe had said what he wanted to say. All he had left now was to leave this all behind, a lighter soul in him without being bogged down by some more unnecessary hate, and he didn't need to see Jinhwan's reaction which would probably be something stupid like wide eyes, gasps, gushing, icky stuff. Junhoe _hated_ that kind of stuff, one of the main reasons why he wasn't big about dating.

Love sounded amazing, sure, but he really wasn't up for clichéness and adoring stupidity that made you out to be a moron, 'but oh no, it's okay 'cause it's all in the name of love!' _Ew_. Not to mention the heartbreak...

"Junhoe?" someone asked and Junhoe snapped out of his mini hatred session (he had those a lot) and looked at Jinhwan, furrowing his eyebrows so hard that it could have made a dent when he saw Jinhwan holding his arms out. The coat was slipping off and pooling around his waist but he was still grinning like a clown and Junhoe was disgusted and confused.

"What do you want?"

"A hug. Isn't it obvious?"

"Not really because why the _hell_ would I hug you?" Junhoe asked in unease, inching closer to the end of the sofa nervously and Jinhwan pouted, flapping his arms sadly. Junhoe almost laughed, almost.

"Hugs make you feel better?"

"Only five people can hug me, you're not included." _Family, Jiwon, Hanbin._

"Okay, fine," Jinhwan said but he somehow looked smug as he got up, throwing the coat back at Junhoe and the younger caught it as he watched Jinhwan warily. "If you won't hug me then we'll settle for alternatives."

"What are you-" Junhoe's words died on his tongue, his eyes bugging as Jinhwan went up behind him and leant down to hug his head, wrapping his arms around Junhoe's neck while resting his own head on top of Junhoe's. Junhoe felt attacked by the enemy in a way that he wasn't _really_ being attacked by the enemy because everything Jinhwan was doing felt so _soft_ \- his touch was light, his skin was so smooth, his presses were hesitant, and Jinhwan wasn't the enemy anymore. He was something else. Something new.

"Get off me," Junhoe grumbled, tugging on Jinhwan's arms but the guy was stronger than he looked, tightening his hold the instant Junhoe retaliated and the fact that he seemed to want to do it so bad made Junhoe fall short. He stopped fighting it. "Shortcake."

"That's me," Jinhwan replied gently, cuddling Junhoe's head so hard that Junhoe felt overwhelmed by it, it was _definitely_ the same feeling of when his dog actually decided to like him once in a while and lie on him. 

"This doesn't mean we're friends." 

"Fine." 

"Doesn't mean we're acquaintances, even."

"Sure."

"It doesn't mean a lot to be honest."

"No, no, _that's_ where you're wrong," Jinhwan said firmly, pulling Junhoe's head back so the guy was forced to look at Jinhwan upside down, and he held back a gasp when Jinhwan pressed his small hands on his cheeks - firstly, Junhoe had _not_ given consent to this and where the hell did Jinhwan get the idea that this was appropriate to do to anyone? Junhoe didn't know how to bash him on the head and run, because then Jinhwan was kneeling down and his face was so rosy and glowing and close that maybe they could have kissed.

Again. 

 _Ew._

Junhoe already wanted to rinse his mouth out again, but a bit less so than the first time.

"Don't you see it? I didn't break the promise, I've made you forgiven me. You don't need to 'abhor' me anymore because of that because I _did_ it, I kept my promise for you, Junhoe," Jinhwan said, eyes sparkling as Junhoe blinked at him in amazement. "Doesn't that mean something?" 

"What do you want, a prize? A certificate of commendation?" 

"No, I just..." Jinhwan trailed off, thinking for a moment before he just rested his face in the crook of Junhoe's neck, squeezing the younger's shoulders and Junhoe rolled his eyes even if his heart was racing a mile a minute. This was so weird. "I'm happy. Really happy. That's all. Can you say it, like properly say it to confirm it because it'll actually make my week?"

"I...yeah, I forgive you," Junhoe muttered, wincing when Jinhwan made a squeaky noise of elation and hugged him harder and Junhoe finally found his will to fight it off until Jinhwan was off of him which was a very good thing. It was like having an affectionate leech on you. Leeches suck your blood. Not good. 

In a flash, Junhoe was by the door, hair messy now and cheeks slightly pink in the way that wouldn't go away, and Jinhwan was in front of him with all of his fairy charm. Junhoe coughed, looking down as he held onto his coat tightly. "I'm going to go."

"I know."

"This was something."

"Sure was."

Junhoe nodded, turning around to go before he hesitated then turned back again. He did that a lot, he realised, because he always did things insufficiently the first time around. But he'd always fix it eventually. "Um, I'll see you tomorrow in Culinal Arts...I won't glare at you if we meet when gathering ingredients or at a fridge."

"I think that's one of the best wins I could think of," Jinhwan said gratefully, grinning in triumph. Finding something like that _triumphant_ was just sad, in Junhoe's opinion. "Have a nice night."

"Mhm," Junhoe mumbled, clearing his throat before turning to actually leave this time, already getting a few steps down the corridor before his name was being called and he froze. "What..."

"Thank you," Jinhwan answered, his voice quiet with a level of emotion that Junhoe didn't want to understand. "For today, for all of this. I didn't think for the _life_ of me that we'd work it out in a civil way but it was really nice." 

Junhoe nodded, looking down instead of looking back. "Good, I guess."

"So do you think-"

"Tomorrow, shortcake. I need to go so we can talk more tomorrow."

Junhoe finally started walking away again, around the corner and up the stairs without a single thought in his mind. 

###

 _"FAME! I'm gonna live foreeeeeeever_ _,"_ Junhoe yell-sang as he washed his dishes in time with the music, twirling around to get to another plate and the soap suds flew, _"I'm gonna learn how to fly - HIGH!"_

He was in a musicals mood, he had just finished the entire soundtrack of Mamma Mia and Junhoe honestly couldn't tolerate washing dishes without music or it would be the most boring, annoying thing. He was in the midst of nodding his head and rubbing a plate aggressively while listening to a song from Hamilton when it was cut short by someone calling him and he yelped, scrabbling to get to the phone before it dropped and fell into the sink and he very almost screamed.

"NO, _FUDGE-_ "

Junhoe shoved his hands inside, quickly searching around before he managed to pull his poor phone out and cry over it with no tears but all the sentiment, throwing off his gloves angrily which only backfired because they splashed water on him. 

But, luckily, the Caller ID brightened his whole mood and he left the rest of his dishes there as he retreated back to his bed and answered the call, shaking off the wetness of his phone but he didn't mind that much. At least it was still working.

"Hyung, hey." 

"Junhoe, dear specimen, hello!" Jiwon cheered back happily and Junhoe grinned, laying down onto his bed. "How are you?"

"I'm good, I'm good, you?"

"I'm perfect," Jiwon sighed, his voice sounding disgustingly dreamy and Junhoe grimaced, even if his smile still stayed in place.

"You got laid, didn't you?"

"Shut up, he's right there and sleeping!"

"Is this on speaker?"

"Yes...?"

"Idiot, get it off!"

Jiwon squeaked in reply, sounding incredibly stressed out which made Junhoe snort, giggling to himself and a moment passed before they were both calmed down and Junhoe had rolled onto his back at a weird angle, his head hanging off of the bed. "So..." 

"I did _not_ get laid."

"Liar." 

"Hey!"

"I want to tease you but Hanbin's involved and that's gross so let's leave this."

"Am I happy about that...?" 

"How much of my stuff did you end up eating, by the way? I haven't checked yet."

"Uhhh..."

"Next frosting day's cancelled."

"JUNHOE NO, THAT'S NOT _FAIR-_ " 

"Repay me then," Junhoe challenged, grinning as he tugged on the blanket to cover him a little, making himself comfortable as Jiwon scoffed.

"Communism...name me something you want?"

"I don't know, run something by me." 

"Can't I just blackmail you? I'll stop calling you every night." 

"No nono _please_ don't do that, this is the highlight of my day," Junhoe said quickly before he could shut himself up like usual and his ears tinted pink as he heard Jiwon's mix of laughter and adoring cooing over the phone that made Junhoe want to throw himself out of a window. "Oh my God, shut up shut _up_ \- fine, you don't have to do anything but-"

"No, I have my honour! I'll take you out to dinner somewhere super fancy sometime soon, how does something that's _not_ a small budget meal sound?"

Junhoe's mouth dropped open. " _Hyung._ "

"Junhoe," Jiwon replied, mimicking Junhoe's shocked tone and Junhoe's heart was taken.

"I _love_ you." 

"Woah, woah, hold your horses, we haven't even had the first date yet!"

"No but you're just- you're _just._ "

"I'm just?" 

"I don't know how to finish the sentence. You're just the best? I think that suits the most. You can't dare toquote me on this, though." 

"Trust me, bestie, I _definitely_ will," Jiwon answered gleefully and Junhoe scrunched up his nose, suddenly regretting his own voicebox's existence which he honestly didn't do a lot. "Oh, you say that you don't like my hugs? You say I'm weird? Well you think I'm the best so those words are null, you _cabbage._ "

Junhoe raised his eyebrows. Jiwon was torturously lame sometimes, and Junhoe didn't know why he loved it. Maybe because he was just as lame too. "Cabbage?"

"I can't think of good insults that quickly," Jiwon mumbled sadly, probably hanging his head in shame like a scolded puppy, Junhoe could imagine it so clearly. "But I don't want to insult you anyway so you can be the pretty Latin name which is...lemme search...brassica oleracea?"

"And that's better than just saying 'cabbage' because...?"

"It sounds pretty!"

"Of course." 

"You're my brassica oleracea, Junhoe," Jiwon said very seriously, and Junhoe had to painfully swallow a laugh, "and you always will be. Never forget that."

Junhoe pressed a hand to his heart. "I never will, hyung."

"So I didn't get to ask - did you have a nice day?" 

Junhoe thought back, trying to mull over the last thirteen hours or so that he had been awake. All in all, maybe it _had_ been a nice day because he had managed to shop and see his mother which made him happier than he'd like to admit, and Jinhwan. That was great. That was really, _really_ great. Junhoe didn't even know what was so great about it but he felt so light and when he saw his hatred list, he was able to cross out Jinhwan's name and it had made him so happy. He was reaching his goal of limiting his hatred, he was actually trying to be as civil as possible. He remembered his elementary school teacher taking about _enlightenment_ in religion and maybe Junhoe wasn't that religious but he understood his teacher, he did feel a speck more enlightened. He felt free.

"I did."

"Well, I'm very glad," Jiwon replied and he _did_ sound very glad which made Junhoe smile, a bit shy as he rested his face on his pillow. "That's all I want, you know?"

"What?"

"For you to have nice days and stuff. Your happiness. You can't be upset on my watch or I'll feel terrible."

"Hyung, ugh, stop it, you already make my life better. I'm okay, alright? And you're okay too. We're all okay." 

"Okay," Jiwon mumbled, sounding pensive. Junhoe adored this man. "Good. Love you, Junhoe."

Junhoe winced but after a long, despondent whine from Jiwon saying that if he didn't say it back then he'd cry a river, right before they said goodbye, he managed to get in, "Love you most."

"AWWWW-"

Junhoe hung up. 

 

\-- 

 

**part two: stop seducing me with a lollipop, pretty eyes**

It was later than Junhoe thought it was. His bones were weary but his mind wasn't, it kept going through millions of things that Junhoe couldn't even keep up with but he drew out one from all of the thoughts and he set out his desk, taking out his hatred poem, and reading over it again. It had been a week since he had started it...God, he _really_ had no idea how to continue.

 _"If I hate you then it's my fault because life isn't that free that I can waste it like that, now I see,"_ Junhoe muttered, running the last sentence of the first stanza over his tongue and his head. Junhoe wanted to finish this poem. He didn't know why but it would mean so much to him, it was a poem that his heart had already latched on to without his permission and it would be _so_ annoying if he was too dumb to finish it.

Anaphora. Maybe Junhoe had to use anaphora here. The repetition of words to create a sonic effect, where the theme and the flow could all be altered just by these words that would become the focal point of part of the stanza and when Junhoe started picking at his brain, the first thing he could think of was 'hating you'.

 _Hating you is a curse from the depths of my soul, hating you_  
_so vibrantly, unnecessarily, hating you thinking 'you deserve it'._  
_Hating you is like picking petals from the prettiest of flowers_  
_where the pollen cries gossamer but I heed no mind._  
_If hating you can do such harm in a way that is not seen_  
_then I'll stop. I'll stop and see the petals and think 'oh how pretty'_  
_but then I'll walk straight past, so others can think the same._  
_I heed mind to your tears now, of gentleness and kind so_  
_I shall walk away and live without hating you in turn._

"Ugh, it _sucks,_ " Junhoe sighed heavily, rubbing his temple as he let his pen clatter onto his desk. "But at least it's something. I tried."

Junhoe knew he was writing about someone in particular at this point but he didn't know who. Maybe it was more that he didn't _want_ to know who, because perhaps it was pretty obvious. Though, he went to sleep with no more thoughts left in his head, like usual, and he didn't have any regrets or worries to keep him up for even a second.

***

It had been a while since him and Jinhwan had...reconciled, if he could call it that. His first line of order was that at their next lesson where he usually put book barriers up, he did it like usual which had Jinhwan frowning sadly but then Junhoe brought his fist down onto it, causing the books to fall apart and Jinhwan jumped. "There. The Fort Law has officially been eradicated."

Jinhwan's mouth dropped open a little, his tiny hand slowly going to rest over his heart and Junhoe braced himself as Jinhwan said the worst thing ever. "You're so _cute._ "

"If you say that one more time, I'll skewer you."

"Noted but no promises."

Junhoe grumbled something under his breath, ignoring Jinhwan's cheeky smile as he went back to his work that he still didn't understand and probably never would. He didn't notice the fact that he was blushing a little nor the way Jinhwan stared at him for a moment, amazed, before his gaze let Junhoe go and they were two separate entities once more.

Something that Junhoe had realised was that he missed Donghyuk. Holy hell, he missed Donghyuk _so much._ Sure, he found the guy overly angelic and annoying and far too moralistic but Junhoe had really taken him for granted until he had moved to America, a _whole different continent_ for a dumb scholarship and the last memory Junhoe had of him wasn't that great, because it was just Junhoe yelling at him, "ARE YOU SAYING THAT A STUPID SCHOOL IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN _ME?!"_

Donghyuk had said no, _never,_ but Junhoe didn't believe him. If that was true then Donghyuk wouldn't have left, and Junhoe wouldn't have to miss him in such an irritating way. Junhoe had never really had to miss people before, not further than missing his family when he left for university but they were literally down the street somewhere. Even when Hanbin left for Jinhwan, Junhoe wouldn't miss him, he'd just feel a bit empty.

At first, Junhoe had too much pride for face-times. He found them tacky and desperate and insufficient. But as he was going to a class, he was suddenly tugged to the side by an excited Jinhwan who Junhoe just stared at for a moment before looking back in the direction that his class was in then back at Jinhwan confusedly. "Do you wanna walk to class with me or something...?"

"No, we're going to skip it," Jinhwan said brightly, absent-mindedly reaching for Junhoe's hand but the younger jerked his arm away immediately, overwhelmed.

"S-Sorry, um...don't do that. Just, why are we skipping? What happened?"

"Nothing. But Donghyuk's free right now so I'm gonna face-time him, come on," Jinhwan said, gesturing for Junhoe to follow him as he started walking off and Junhoe stayed still for a moment, frozen except for his blinking eyes. Time to weigh out the pros and cons. Cons, he'd have to stay in close vicinity of Jinhwan for more than he'd like to, which would be too awkward for him; face-timing wasn't real, it was like some kind of mirage and it just made Junhoe sad because no, Donghyuk wouldn't _really_ be here. Pros, he'd actually get to kinda see the guy he had missed more than he'd admit. That was it. But that pro still overpowered all and any cons, and then Junhoe was hurrying after Jinhwan who smiled at him when he noticed.

"Okay so he should be connecting soon..."

"Are we just gonna do it out here?"

"We can stay behind that pillar if you would prefer."

"I would."

"Are you guys gonna have sex or something? Why are you calling me, then, don't let me interrupt," a teasing voice said from Jinhwan's phone and Jinhwan yelped in excitement while Junhoe flushed bright pink, eyes wide, completely disgusted or was it just shock?

"Donghyuk! Oh my God, idiot, why did you have to make _that_ the first thing you say to us in ages?"

"Yes. It was not ideal," Junhoe said too, sounding incredibly robotic and Donghyuk simply laughed at him while Jinhwan smiled at the ground, blushing just a tiny bit. Junhoe wasn't looking at him though, because he was too taken by Donghyuk's laugh because holy crackers, that used to be a thing that he heard every day but now it had been, what, a few weeks? Junhoe couldn't keep track of time, but he knew it _had_ to have been a while if his ears were perking up and he suddenly felt like smiling too. "Hey, man."

"How's life going without me, Junhoe?"

"Significantly less brighter."

"Awww," Donghyuk cooed, sounding both astonished and touched at the same time, and Junhoe rolled his eyes. "I miss you too. Honest, it's weird without you all."

"But rewarding?" Jinhwan asked like some kind of peacemaker and Donghyuk nodded.

"Definitely! But you know, friendship stays with you always."

"How's America? Los Angeles, right?"

"Right! It's so cool, being plunged into a different language all day every day is difficult but I'm learning so much, and a few of the guys here know Hanbin-hyung! He came here once, I swear, and some of them worship him and I'm like 'you and me both, dude' and sometimes the food is great and sometimes it sucks, I don't really think there's an in-between, but it doesn't really matter. I think I'm quite happy. Just missing you guys a lot."

Junhoe nodded, smiling as he let Jinhwan do the speaking. Donghyuk meant a lot to Junhoe, really. He was the person who knew all of his secrets. He was the person that Junhoe used to talk to about the crush he once had on Jiwon (God, those were _dark_ times), he knew about Junhoe's dreams and aspirations, Junhoe would share his poems with him, and they always had breakfast together. Never once had they missed one in an entire two years, until Donghyuk went to America...stupid America. Junhoe was better than America. America could _fight_ him. America would lose. Junhoe would not. Hell yeah.

"So why are you both here?"

"We've got the same class now, I decided to catch Junhoe before-"

"Wait, you're _skipping?_ Hyung..."

"Hey, you're worth it, alright? I didn't want to toss up a chance like this."

Donghyuk sighed, looking mightily disappointed in them so Junhoe decided to crack a lame joke that had no relevancy and was so dumb but Donghyuk laughed, and Jinhwan did a small smile-snort thing too, and everything was great. Junhoe felt accomplished and it was these kinds of things that made him feel like he _was_ a good person, in truth.

"It's early in the morning there, right? What are you doing today?"

"Me and Jiwon-hyung are going on a date," Junhoe said without thinking before quickly elaborating when Donghyuk's eyebrows shot up and Jinhwan stared at him like he was absolutely absurd. "No, no wait, I mean! Ugh, _he_ keeps calling it a date so that just came out...we're just going out to dinner, he needs to repay me for some food he ate like last week or something."

"That's actually the funniest thing, you guys are going on a date before him and Hanbin are," Donghyuk snickered and Jinhwan joined in too, jokingly nudging Junhoe in the arm but that only made Junhoe feel a little uncomfortable.

"I bet I could take you on a better one, I've got tons more money than he does!"

"It's not about the money, it's about the person. You don't fit my criteria," Junhoe mumbled, looking away and suddenly the atmosphere grew tense as Jinhwan blinked at him, hurt shining in his eyes as his smile faded—but the rain clouds started clearing when Donghyuk laughed without having any knowledge of the tension, calling out a high-pitched, "Junhoe, why are you so _meeeeean,_ " and Junhoe cracked a smile.

"Ugh, if I knew I was skipping class, I would have slept in instead of this. It's flipping seven am."

"I have faith to believe that you want to be here, you can't change my mind."

"You're annoying."

"You love me."

"I don't love anyone."

Donghyuk shrugged. "Touché, I guess. But you do _like_ people."

"Eh...do I..."

"Speaking of, Jinhwan-hyung, did you do something? Junhoe doesn't seem as repulsed by you anymore."

Jinhwan blinked in surprise at being called out and Junhoe looked away, crossing his arms and pretending like he wasn't awaiting Jinhwan's answer.

"I didn't do anything, actually. We just talked it out, things took a turn for the better."

"Well, you did do _some_ things," Junhoe said and as Jinhwan turned to look at him, Junhoe looked back into Jinhwan's pearly eyes that he shouldn't be looking at, not when they clearly seemed to have _some_ sort of effect on Junhoe that he still hadn't figured out. "You clarified stuff. You were really nice. I don't think I ever got to say thank you."

Jinhwan looked absolutely astounded, like he had never expected such words to come out of Junhoe's mouth. He probably hadn't. "Are you _kidding?_ You don't have to say thank you, Junhoe, seriously, I don't deserve that-"

"I've been horrible to you for ages, please can you just get angry for once? Or like _some_ kind of negative emotion? I'm the one who doesn't deserve never-ending patience and warmth and kindness so don't give it to me, don't give the devil water, it'll just all burn up. Evaporate. You fight fire with fire so _give me some fire,_ Jinhwan."

Jinhwan couldn't answer, it seemed. His mouth was open and his pupils were shaky and Junhoe couldn't bear to look at him, leaving him sending Donghyuk a curt goodbye before he turned on his heel without another word, walking off in what he sure hoped was a cool way. He knew it, he knew that it couldn't all all over, he _knew_ that there wasn't a possibility that him and Jinhwan could get over everything so civilly. Junhoe was burning up and he didn't know why, it was like empty rage that he was throwing at an unknown source and it was just bouncing back at him, making him want to tear his hair out because this wasn't _fair._

_Why was I made the way I am? Why do I get so angry? Why am I so horrible?_

_Why can't I just be a good person like everyone else..._

***

Junhoe was in Hanbin's apartment, his face in his hands as he waited for his biology folder that the elder was supposed to return to him. Honestly, he wouldn't quite mind if the thing got lost forever but his grades would mind, meaning he'd end up minding _eventually_ which was so irritating that Junhoe was back to wishing that his biology folder would get lost, or better, torn up in a shredder. That would be a win-win because Junhoe would be free from the harrowing thing and he could beat Hanbin up because it'd be his fault! The only sad part was that Hanbin would probably fight back...okay, Junhoe needed to start to _not_ think about things that would never happen.

"Where's Jinhwan?" Junhoe found himself asking when Hanbin resurfaced from his room, folder in hand. Junhoe hadn't seen Jinhwan since he had stormed off which made sense, but he still couldn't help but care a bit and hate himself a little because he hadn't needed to be such a jerk when Jinhwan wasn't doing anything wrong in the moment. It hurt Junhoe to think that he himself didn't have the capability to patch up his own problems. He was weak, that was why. A stilted, jaded adolescent.

"He's in his room. He's not doing much, why?"

"Just wondering," Junhoe mumbled, looking to the side. "He hasn't told you anything, right...?"

"What? No, nothing. Wait, did something happen?" Hanbin asked worriedly as he neared Junhoe who looked away.

"Not really. Not much out of the ordinary. I was just stupid."

"Ah, not out of the ordinary indeed. But please, I thought you guys made up and I can't handle it if you're angry at him again-"

"Can I go see him?" Junhoe asked, making Hanbin recoil slightly in surprise. "Just for a moment. I'll say hi, then bye, then I'll leave. Is that okay?"

"Well, I mean...Jinhwan-hyung has these mood swings. They're really bad, actually, and I don't think it's great for _anyone_ to talk to him right now. He needs his alone time."

"Mood swings?"

"Yeah. I don't like leaving him alone when they're happening, like I know that contradicts what I just said but I won't leave the dorm, I'll just let him stay in solitude if he needs it. Then try and make him happier otherwise. And stop him from eating too many lollipops."

"Did he have them when he was younger too?"

"As far as I can remember."

"Oh," was all Junhoe could say. Maybe this made sense. Maybe this could fit into the plot that the story of his life seemed to have. Jinhwan was Hanbin's best friend, and Hanbin cared about him immensely so maybe these mood swings was one of the reasons that he'd leave Junhoe for Jinhwan. Maybe Jinhwan needed him more than Junhoe did, and Hanbin knew that. Junhoe really liked lists so at that moment, he made up a list in his head.

**reasons not to hate jinhwan**

_\- pretty eyes_  
_\- quite nice_  
_\- nice handwriting_  
_\- cute hands_  
_\- doesn't hate **me** , so_  
_\- sweet smile_  
_\- mood swings, not his fault_

"I'm going to go see him," Junhoe decided, ignoring Hanbin's warnings as he went to the only bedroom other than Hanbin's. He hesitated for a moment, wondering if he should knock before he didn't because he wasn't going to stay long, perhaps ten seconds max to say a simple 'hi, sorry, see ya', so he just pushed open the door to see Jinhwan stretched out across his bed. A permanent frown seemed to be etched onto his face as he sucked on a lollipop and read a book, and he was clad in a shirt and shorts that for the first time ever made Jinhwan's legs look too long as Junhoe gulped, suddenly being reminded of how _utterly_ gay he was. He had never looked away from something quicker.

Junhoe decided to knock then, two raps on the door even though he was already inside, and then Jinhwan looked up. They made eye-contact. Nothing happened for a second, and Junhoe was opening his mouth before Jinhwan full-on glared at him and Junhoe accidentally said, "Oh shit."

"Why are you here?"

"Biology...folder- never mind, I just wanna say hi."

"Go away," Jinhwan grumbled, going back to his book and his lollipop and Junhoe raised an eyebrow.

"Okay, don't stoop to my level. I want to apologise, don't make this harder than it has to be."

"I don't want the apology, just _leave._ "

Junhoe had no idea how to react. This kind of reminded him of the time that Jinhwan had been angry about Yunhyeong but this was still so different. "Shortcake..."

"Don't call me that."

"Accept my damn apology, I swear to-"

"Then say it first!" Jinhwan yelled, sitting up and throwing his book to the side which made Junhoe wince. "Say your fucking apology, let's see how good it is."

Junhoe swallowed, suddenly a little terrified and disappointed in himself because his apology wasn't good at all. "It was...it was just going to be 'sorry for being a jerk' but-"

"I'm sick of you thinking you can push me around, you know? I'm really sick of you disregarding my feelings," Jinhwan said, narrowing his eyes as he got up, lollipop still in hand and Junhoe had absolutely no idea how he looked so menacing. "Maybe you were right, maybe I have been too nice. Sometimes I don't think you deserve nice either."

Junhoe held up his arms in surrender, backing up a bit as Jinhwan walked forward. "That's totally cool, you can feel that way, I'm fine with that-"

"Like why the fuck were you angry at _me_ instead of Hanbin, anyway? I'm not the one who did anything."

Then Junhoe froze, because he wasn't fine with it anymore. Now he was seeing red, and Jinhwan in his intimidating lollipop glory had started up something he shouldn't have. "Stop targeting your best friend, he did nothing wrong."

"What the heck are you talking about-"

"Whenever I actually _needed_ him, he was there for me. He made me laugh, he made me happy, he was and is a good part of my life but that's not all a best friend is, right? A best friend is there with you always for good reasons or stupid reasons or no reason at all...me and Hanbin were never best friends so it was okay if we didn't fit into that criteria. That was you guys. He was just my friend. A good friend. If you call him out like that again then I'll fucking mess you up, midget."

"O-Okay, I'm sorry," Jinhwan muttered, looking like he wanted to still be cross but he was taken aback, and Junhoe was glad. "I'm just angry, alright?"

"Then _yell at me,_ " Junhoe said, raising his voice himself to get it started and Jinhwan blinked in surprise. "Do it, like you were before, just yell, _do it-_ "

"MAYBE I WILL!" Jinhwan shouted, clenching his fists and his jaw and Junhoe nodded, taking it in his stride.

"GOOD!"

"I'M MAD AT YOU! I'M SO FUCKING MAD AT YOU BECAUSE I WANT YOU TO TREAT ME LIKE I'M A NORMAL HUMAN BEING AND IT'S JUST _PAINFUL_ WHEN YOU JUST- YOU KNOW, BLANK ME OR...look at me like, I'm dirt," Jinhwan sighed, trailing off and sticking the lollipop back in his mouth when his words came to the end and Junhoe frowned because he had been _really_ ready to have a well-deserved screaming match. "This is stupid. I'm going back to bed, show yourself out."

"Come on, don't be a coward," Junhoe said with the sole intention to rile Jinhwan up and maybe it worked, maybe it didn't, but it still got a reaction as Jinhwan moved forward swiftly and pushed Junhoe against the wall, keeping him there and Junhoe didn't fight it because he knew he wouldn't get hurt or anything. Jinhwan didn't say anything for a moment, he just stared at Junhoe and this was the first time that Junhoe saw negativity in Jinhwan's eyes but no matter what, they were still beautiful. Glassy, emotion-filled, and Junhoe didn't want to look away.

"If you don't have anything worthwhile to say," Jinhwan said, his voice low as he slowly pulled the lollipop back out with a small pop and it was glistening, just like Jinhwan's red lips were, just like Jinhwan's eyes were. Junhoe felt trapped in more ways than one. "Then get out of my sight, Koo Junhoe."

Instead of doing that, Junhoe did the stupidest thing he had ever done.

He curled an arm around Jinhwan's waist and pulled him into a kiss.

Fireworks exploded somewhere for a second. Nothing seemed wrong for a second, everything seemed _right._ Jinhwan kissed back, which made Junhoe's mind take even longer to realise that this was very very not right, but Junhoe was being mesmerised by plushness and the strong taste of strawberry that it was three seconds, three _whole_ seconds before he finally came to his senses and shoved Jinhwan away, making the elder yelp.

"O-Oh my God," Junhoe breathed out, swallowing as his hands started shaking, he suddenly felt so close to tears and he didn't even look at Jinhwan once before he ran out, past a concerned Hanbin and down the corridor, up the stairs, straight to his dorm that he almost ripped off the hinges of as he tumbled in, so out of breath but he didn't care, he just needed to get to his bed. He tripped over something, he bumped into another, but it was like his pain receptors weren't working as he powered through everything in his messy dorm before collapsing onto white, unmade comfort.

"No," Junhoe whispered to himself, squeezing his eyes shut as he reached out for his pillow, hugging it close to his chest. "No, no...that didn't happen, that _didn't-_ I'm so-" He started coughing, erupting into a fit as he curled up into a ball, bashing on his duvet to try and get it to stop but it wouldn't, his throat was _burning._ It was tears that he was swallowing, he knew it was.

His heart was burning too. God, his heart was burning so _much_ that it felt like it couldn't possibly only be metaphorical. He didn't know why everything was hurting so much but this wasn't how anything was supposed to be, no, this would ruin everything.

His breathing calmed down soon and it didn't take long for his heart to burn himself down to sleep, like a candle.

***

"Junhoe?"

Junhoe was still in bed, half-asleep as he slowly swept his hand back and forth from where it was hanging off of the bed. Maybe it had been a few hours, he didn't really know since he hadn't looked at his phone or pretty much anything since he had got back since he was virtually dead. But at the voice calling out for him, he froze and was suddenly much more alive. "Oh no..."

He scrabbled to sit up but he wasn't fast enough to do much else before a familiar bunny was already peeking into his room, smiling gently when he saw Junhoe. " _There_ you are."

"Hyung I'm so sorry, oh my God, I swear I was really looking forward to the date but then- then something happened, I forgot, I'm so _so_ _sorry-_ "

"I think you're already forgiven just 'cause you called it a date," Jiwon said with a grin and Junhoe realised with a start that he didn't look angry at all, nor disappointed. That was not something that Junhoe deserved from _anyone_ at this point. "It's okay, honestly, I figured that something was up when you didn't reply to my texts."

"I don't even know where my phone is," Junhoe sighed, slowly slinking back into his bed, feeling more weary than ever but he felt so happy that Jiwon was there now. It was the perfect thing he needed. "I really _was_ looking forward to it...I'm sorry..."

"Hey, if you can't get to the date then the date comes to you," Jiwon said brightly and Junhoe blinked, furrowing his eyebrows before jolting a little when Jiwon was taking a seat on his bed and plopping bags of food right in front of Junhoe's face. Junhoe could _smell_ it and his happiness levels were going through the roof once again. "Takeaway. And some other stuff. I know it's not as good but I still wanted to get _something-_ "

"No, hyung, it's great," Junhoe said, reaching out an arm blindly to pat Jiwon's leg but then Jiwon was taking his hand which was nice. "Thank you."

"You know I almost hired a suit to see how you'd react, I'm sure glad I didn't now."

Junhoe dug his nails into Jiwon's hand in reply which made the elder squeak and Junhoe felt satisfied.

"You wanna talk to me?" Jiwon asked a few moments later, tearing into one of the bags as Junhoe shuffled around so he still had his head on the pillow but he could see Jiwon now, that stupid guardian angel. "I've got all the time in the world, really, but it's definitely your call."

"I kissed him, hyung," Junhoe murmured, falling back into his despondent abyss of self-hatred and disappointment as Jiwon looked at him curiously. " _I_ kissed him this time, and I-I don't even know why, like what the hell was I thinking because only like what, three weeks ago he kissed me and I was _repulsed_ by that, so why, why the hell would I instigate it like the biggest idiot and hypocrite in the world and this isn't right, this wasn't supposed to happen, I hate it, I _hate_ it-"

"Breathe," Jiwon soothed, running a hand over Junhoe's head and the younger paused to do so, closing his eyes too as he breathed in and out, following the pace of Jiwon's strokes through his hair. "Say 'ah'."

Junhoe did that too, and then Jiwon was putting something sweet in his mouth and Junhoe sighed in contentment, instantly placated even more. It was definitely some sort of chocolate and Junhoe wasn't even all for desserts but this was one of his favourite flavours and it made him want to smile, even though his mess of emotions were far from allowing him to do that.

"So who is this?"

"Jinhwan...this is like the third time we've kissed, right?"

"Second."

"Still ew. I wanted him to yell at me, because I felt like he needed to do that, for some kind of release and closure but then it ended up with me kissing him like- how? What? That doesn't check out, it _shouldn't_ check out."

"Jinhwan-hyung's very pretty," Jiwon contemplated as food for thought and Junhoe nodded morosely, mumbling 'no shit'. "Maybe he bewitched you."

"Hyung, he kissed me back," Junhoe said, his voice trembling more than before as he squeezed Jiwon's hand tighter and the elder looked at him sympathetically, frowning as he stuck a fork into a prawn and offered that to Junhoe this time around.

"I'm not surprised, Junhoe-yah, he kinda fancies you."

"But it confused me so _much._ Because we were both reciprocating this time, because I...I started it and, it was...nice? Because most kisses are nice, I think. And it messed with my head, all of it did. I'm just so _confused,_ " Junhoe groaned, thrashing around in his bedsheets for a moment and Jiwon yelped, holding onto the food for his dear life. "This is like the worst fanfiction ever. Falling for an enemy. Or, ex-enemy. Still bad! I don't want this, I don't want any of this, I don't need romance I just want to go back to how my life was before _everything._ Maybe even before you. You deserve better than looking after me when I'm like this."

"You know that this is what best friends do, right?" Jiwon asked with a raised eyebrow, still pressing with the prawn and Junhoe finally ate it, shyness making him curl up a little. "I'm gonna listen to all your ranting, each word, and I'll care for you while I'm at it. And I _want_ to."

"But...but you could be with Hanbin, or-"

"You know Hanbin's angry with me right now?"

Junhoe stared at Jiwon in amazement, and the guy didn't look any less brighter. "You what? What did you do? Why are you here instead of making it up with him?!"

"Because...of you? Duh? I'm not about to ditch you for him. And besides, I stand by my argument. It'll make you happy! Or maybe it won't. I think it'll make you happy and quite sad, actually."

"It includes me, doesn't it?"

"How did you GUESS?!" Jiwon gasped theatrically, throwing his arms out in mock-surprise and Junhoe rolled his eyes, not bothering to stifle his snort. "And Hanbin's not like, _angry-_ angry. I don't think we can bear to be angry at each other for another twenty years, honestly."

"That makes sense."

"He's just very not amused. But I'm right! I know that doesn't seem plausible but you know me, when I'm right, I'm right."

"Everyone's right when they're right, hyung."

"This is subjective, though."

"It's not that I don't believe you."

"So you're giving me the benefit of the doubt?"

"I always do."

"Aww," Jiwon cooed, resting a hand on his heart. "You're sweet, you know. This is why I like you so much, it's why you just- I don't know. You _complete_ me."

"Isn't Hanbin supposed to do that?" Junhoe asked doubtfully, opening his mouth again and Jiwon grinned as he fed Junhoe some noodles. "You and I have been friends for quite a while now, sure, but I've got no impact. You're in _love_ with him. You've known the others for _years._ I'm just here."

Jiwon frowned, shaking his head in heavy disagreement. "Do you even _know_ why Hanbin's mad at me?"

Junhoe shrugged which was actually quite uncomfortable to do lying down. He didn't really want to know in the end because it probably wasn't any of his business anyway, until he remembered that he was involved in it somehow. Even then, it didn't seem that important. "I don't."

"I said I like you more than I like him."

Junhoe froze, and he was pretty certain that his heart skipped a beat, and maybe another, maybe a few too many for it to be healthy. He could sense Jiwon scrutinising his reaction, hovering anxiously like he wanted more than anything to know what was running through Junhoe's head. So the younger blinked and threw out an arm to grab a drink he could see in the corner of his eyes before bringing it to his lips, downing half of it in an instant and saying in a choked up voice, "That was some good whatever that was."

"It was water."

"And it was _good._ "

Jiwon smiled then, in that way where his teeth showed but his lips didn't quite curl up a lot and his eyes crinkled and smiled more than his mouth did, and he looked about ten years younger in a second. Junhoe realised that Jiwon understood him, even without the use of words that would make this all awkward. Because what Jiwon had said meant the entire _world_ to Junhoe after so many letdowns, so much loneliness, and he would never be able to reply in a way which would justify everything he wanted to say.

"I know you didn't ask why but I want to tell you anyway," Jiwon said like the all-answering, all-seeing angel he was and Junhoe looked at him warily. "You just mean a lot to me. That's all it is. I don't think there's anything I prize more than family and friendship, you know, I'm one of those people. And sometimes...bear with me here, I'm going to get very platonically romantic."

"By all means."

"Sometimes a certain person comes into your life in a way you're not expecting them to," Jiwon said, looking down as he seemed to be thinking very hard about his words, drawing all of the meaningfulness from the corners of his brain. The sight was so endearing that Junhoe felt this urge to just hug Jiwon to _pieces._ He hadn't done that before. "And this person...they make an impact. They make an impact proved by how they've been _there_ for you. Maybe when no-one else was, or maybe they were just simply there in the first place and lived up to taking care of you? You can't remember life without them."

"You can't be describing me, hyung. You can't," Junhoe stated firmly like he was trying to tell Jiwon to _please_ think otherwise because there was no way that Junhoe was that great. But Jiwon only smiled at him apologetically.

"Sorry to disappoint, but I am."

Junhoe could feel his heart fighting between the prospects of sinking and floating. He couldn't deal with this, not yet, not when he didn't think that he was worth anything Jiwon was saying. He was only there when it was _convenient._ He never even did anything of purpose, he just existed, he just patted Jiwon's head sometimes or nudged Hanbin in the right direction. In metaphoric summary.

Junhoe was lost for words. He had no idea what to say but maybe he needed to try. Just to compensate for a fraction of his feelings.

"Thank you," Junhoe muttered slowly and Jiwon's smile grew bigger, his eyes going all glittery. "I should be saying all of that to _you,_ I'm- you're the one who's always keeping me company."

"You're the one who's always helping me."

"You're the one who brings the cakes."

"You're the one who buys the frosting."

"You're the one who instigated this friendship."

"You're the one who let me," Jiwon said, sending Junhoe a pleased grin when the younger fell quiet, not knowing how to fight back anymore. "You let me plague your life and I'm _thankful,_ that's all I'm saying. Stop fighting me on this!"

Junhoe let out a breath that was almost shaky as he held onto the water bottle and Jiwon's hand so tightly that they may have both broken if he pushed further. For once in his life, he felt so venerated and the worst part was that he was so unused to it that he wasn't sure how to react, and he hated himself for it. The only people who were supposed to love him were his family who were the only people he was supposed to love and he stood by that, completely, forever...but in the end, he did say 'I love you' to Jiwon even if what actually came out was, "Eat something, hyung."

It still meant love all the same. Junhoe really did love his dorky messiah of a best friend.

Someone who was now his family too.

"I will, I will! But...you wanna call Hanbin to clear stuff up, _orrrrrr_ make him even more annoyed?" Jiwon asked teasingly, taking out his phone and Junhoe laughed as he nodded, resting his head on Jiwon's thigh and the elder patted his head lightly as he typed in Hanbin's phone number.

"Dang, hyung, you memorised it?"

"What can I say, I'm whipped."

Junhoe grinned, finding the answer cute before Jiwon whispered to him, "I know yours too, idiot."

"Does that mean you're _platonically_ whipped for me?"

"Wow. I think so."

"I'm very not surprised."

Hanbin finally came through a moment later, saying a bright 'hello' that made Jiwon grin, and Junhoe found it sweet to see how the guy's eyes sparkled. "Hey, baby, whatcha doing?"

"Hanging up-"

"No, don't! I love you!"

"Well, do you know who you love MORE?!"

"Sisters before misters, Bin, I'm sorry," Jiwon said casually and Junhoe stared at him.

"Did you seriously call me your 'sister'?"

"Well, I can't say bros before hoes in front of him, you get me-"

"I CAN HEAR YOU, YOU FUCKER!"

Jiwon screamed, dropping the phone by accident and Junhoe might have just cackled his lungs out, making Jiwon mock-glare at him as he went to retrieve the phone. "I think my eardrums have burst, holy _shit-_ "

"So Junhoe's there too?"

"Yep."

"This on speaker?"

"Yep!"

"Hello, homewrecker," Hanbin seethed in a low, menacing tone and Junhoe instantly burst into giggles, punching Jiwon's torso in his fit which made the elder gasp in pure _hurt_ through his own laughter. "I'm sure you like fraternising with my man now but I _will_ find you. And I shall...choke you to death with streamers."

"I am so scared. Oh my goodness. How on earth will I survive."

"You SHALL NEVER!"

"Ahhh," Junhoe called out robotically, waving his arms and he felt very smug at how hard Jiwon was laughing at him, even though Jiwon laughed at literally everything. "So _frightened._ "

"Yo, I've still got your folder, by the way."

"Oh, I'll get it tomorrow. Thanks."

As they all talked, Hanbin said nothing about the scene with Jinhwan, and Junhoe was glad for that. Hanbin knew him, and he knew very well how Junhoe liked settling things when it came to his own problems and that included only doing it with the party involved and not having any menial confrontations from onlookers which would get him nowhere. Junhoe was very utilitarian when it came to his own problems until it got out of hand but even then, he tried to find the quickest solution. That was one of the reasons why this stupid Jinhwan grudge thing baffled him so much...it had _really_ gone on for so long.

"Boyfriend?"

"That's me," Jiwon answered dreamily, resting the side of his face in his palm and it was so gross that Junhoe had to poke him with his knee. "Can you say it again?"

"Boyfriend," Hanbin repeated amusedly and Jiwon sighed contentedly, blowing a kiss to his phone. "I'll see you tomorrow, right?"

"Of course! I love you, doll, don't ever forget it."

"Not until your star burns out," Hanbin replied gently, and Junhoe was holding his breath since he really didn't want to ruin the moment in any way. "I love you too, to pieces. Bye, homewrecker!"

"Bye, hoe!" Junhoe replied brightly, reaching out a hand to press the 'end call' button before he could hear Hanbin's probably very yelly reply. Jiwon was snickering, stroking Junhoe's head again as he said, "You're honestly the best. You're like my own big, savage cat. The _best_ cat."

"Well this cat is hungry, feed me!"

"Of _course,_ my coochie coo," Jiwon said in an overly saccharine voice, scratching behind Junhoe's ears and the latter grinned toothily up at him, opening his mouth like posh fat cats probably actually did and Jiwon giggled as he twirled some noodles around a fork, feeding Junhoe who felt incredibly content. He _better_ be a luxury cat in his next life or he'd sue God. For sure.

Time passed where they filled their stomachs to the brim, Junhoe fell in and out of sleep a few more times, him and Jiwon watched a few shows and dramas that they just picked out the plot-holes for like they were the pseudo version of smart people, and Jiwon downloaded a game on his phone that had them both enthralled for a good hour or two. Then Jiwon was doing some much needed coursework in the main living area while Junhoe was lying on his back again, drowsy as he stared up at the ceiling but he raised his head slightly when he saw Jiwon peek his head through the door again, like déjà vu. "Someone's here for you, sir."

"I should give you a raise, assistant."

"You don't pay me, sir."

"Yeah I agree, that's more than enough anyway."

Junhoe broke into a sleepy grin when Jiwon laughed at his terrible humour, but then it was getting serious again. "Should I let them in?"

"Who is it?"

"Um...oh it's just...Jinhwan-hyung...?"

Junhoe's breath hitched for a second and he froze, weighing his emotions out. For once, his rational side won. "He can come, it's fine."

Jiwon looked surprised, and Junhoe sure didn't blame him. "Really?"

"Yeah."

"Alrighty then."

Jiwon was slipping back out and Junhoe closed his eyes but a moment later, he heard, "If you hurt him, I'll honestly get you castrated," and Junhoe smiled to himself. Why had God blessed him with a Kim Jiwon?

There were three soft knocks on his door, even though it was ajar, and Junhoe only grunted in reply. He kept his eyes closed even as he heard Jinhwan slowly pad in, walking around, then hesitantly sitting down on his bed. Junhoe found himself actually not minding, even if it was strange, but his eyes shot open when he felt Jinhwan touch his cheek gently. "Woah, woah, _don't_...don't touch the face."

"Sorry," Jinhwan said amusedly, and Junhoe looked up at him for a moment. He was glowing like always, but he looked tired. His hair was messy and his clothing choice was weird but Junhoe was no fashionista anyway, he couldn't judge. "So...hi."

Junhoe didn't say anything back but then the silence got too long so he thought he should. "Hi."

"You look peaceful."

"I am. Did you finish the lollipop?"

"Yeah, it was nice."

"Must have been. Strawberry," Junhoe said without thinking before wincing at himself because fuck, _obviously_ he had only known the flavour because he had kissed Jinhwan. And clearly, the way that Jinhwan's face touched up with soft summer red just like the lollipop showed that he had realised it too. "Ignore that. Please."

"I'm sorry for yelling at you-"

"Dude, I _wanted_ you to do that. Can you get that through your head? It was what I wanted, you to go off on me because you deserved that pleasure and I deserved getting the brunt of it."

"It still makes me feel bad."

"Oh wow, do you want an 'I Have Morals!' award?"

"No. I just want to stop feeling like a shitty person," Jinhwan mumbled, looking down and poking the mattress, and Junhoe softened. The subtle pout on Jinhwan's lips made his heart twang a little and - keep this in mind, Junhoe was very sleepy and high on salt - he tugged on Jinhwan's shirt, saying, "Come under the covers with me."

"Wait, _what?"_ Jinhwan squeaked, completely perplexed and it looked like he was _sweating_ but Junhoe was casual. He was just too tired to have a filter, in all honesty.

"Contrary to how I come across, I like cuddling! Well, usually only with people that I really really like but I feel like I don't need to be picky today. Also, I'm cold. Come warm me. That's an order."

Jinhwan bristled, and Junhoe closed his eyes again and rolled to the side as he wondered if Jinhwan really _would_ take him up on this once-in-a-lifetime offer. Maybe Junhoe regretted this already, which was fast. But it was too late since Jinhwan was actually pulling on the covers and laying down, very cautiously, but then Junhoe was turning to the side to quirk an eyebrow at him, their noses almost touching. "Maybe you do have guts after all."

"You ordered me!"

"I didn't _actually_...never mind."

Jinhwan was beautiful, and Junhoe didn't feel ashamed about thinking that for once. He leant forward a little, resting a hand on Jinhwan's hip and the elder seized up. "Can I tell you a secret?"

"Sure...?"

"You have to _promise_ not to tell Jinhwan. He'll get all bigheaded, we can't have that."

Jinhwan grinned, sweet and laughing. "I promise."

"You're really hot," Junhoe blurted out like a man with no tact or class but Jinhwan ruffled with pride like a peacock, his pretty eyes glimmering.

"Took you a while to realise."

"You're nice, too. Very nice. Please stop crushing on me."

Jinhwan's smile dropped. "Well, that's sure something else."

"When I kissed you, I felt terrible," Junhoe said, his voice catching a little and Jinhwan frowned sadly as his hand went to Junhoe's chest absent-mindedly, rubbing it gently and Junhoe felt like a cat again. "I wanted to throw up but not like last time, not because it was gross. But it was like I was leading you on, and it happened for no reason at all which is so stupid, I only kiss people I _fall_ for. People I really like."

"You also only cuddle with people you really like."

"Shortcake, I said this was an excep-" Junhoe paused, contemplating something before he looked back at Jinhwan who looked adoring, like Junhoe was something that deserved to be _adored_ and Junhoe let out a loud, stark, "Wait."

"Nope, sorry," Jinhwan said which Junhoe was very thankful for because he didn't even know _what_ he was going to say. "Look...do you wanna start this thing again?"

"Start again? No, I don't want to do that."

"Then...what?"

"Let's try something," Junhoe said, taking hold of Jinhwan's wrist. "Let's experiment. Ask me out, do it."

"I...o-okay," Jinhwan stammered out before swallowing down his nerves, licking his lips before looking straight into Junhoe's eyes and there was the confident Jinhwan from before who was glistening in every way. "Go out with me."

"Sure- wait, I told you to _ask_ me out, not just tell!" Junhoe yelped and Jinhwan laughed, pure and bright and Junhoe didn't feel annoyed by it. Such progress. "Well, yeah. I will. Text me, you've got my number."

"I can't believe this is happening," Jinhwan said in a breathy tone, his small hands curling into fists and Junhoe said a blank, "Yes. Me neither. But this better be a good date, okay? I'm not giving you a free pass in having all of _this,_ I'm very valuable."

"That's more true than you know. But wait, ugh, there's a problem."

"What's that?"

"I promised to never kiss you again, remember?" Jinhwan pouted and Junhoe snorted, shaking his head as he kissed Jinhwan's cheek gently and Jinhwan made a funny noise, his face heating up so much that it looked like he'd explode.

"I'm sure we can get round that. I'll just always kiss you first."

***

 

_An Ode, of Hatred to Something Else_

_Sometimes I think that hating is the thing that I'm most good at_  
_until I realise that I've got no time to hate._  
_If it harbours my soul then I lose track of what I love_  
_and potential hate digs a forlorn grave hindering time for doing_  
_better. What's better? I'm better than this._  
_I'm better than hatred encapsulating me._  
_If I hate you then it's my fault because life isn't that_  
_free that I can waste it like that, now I see._

 _Hating you is a curse from the depths of my soul, hating you_  
_so vibrantly, unnecessarily, hating you thinking 'you deserve it'._  
_Hating you is like picking petals from the prettiest of flowers_  
_where the pollen cries gossamer but I heed no mind._  
_If hating you can do such harm in a way that is not seen_  
_then I'll stop. I'll stop and see the petals and think 'oh how pretty'_  
_but then I'll walk straight past, so others can think the same._  
_I heed mind to your tears now, of gentleness and kind so_  
_I shall walk away and live without hating you in turn._

 _We're born anew now. Is the hatred behind me, or still in my soul?_  
_I don't know, I can't know but your smile has imprinted_  
_on my heart so perhaps that's not so. Your eyes glimmer with all the_  
_stars of your galaxy and I find myself wanting to join them._  
_My feelings may entangle but your small hands unwind_  
_them until I don't understand my confusion since you're all I see._  
_I'm learning. I'm learning how to love, I'm an amateur in that art but I shall try, and_  
_try and try again until hatred perishes and love lives long in my heart._

 

_Thank you, Kim Jinhwan._

**_\- Koo Junhoe_ **

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so
> 
> aHhHhh?
> 
> i think that just might have been the last chapter of this book...?
> 
> oh my god i am- what are these FEELINGS
> 
> i don't really know what else to say, but i hope this was good enough. i hope you've enjoyed reading this story. have a nice day, everyone! see you on the other side 💙


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